His 'hobby' strikes again - when do mums get to have fun??

[ArtemisBean]

DH has just shoved off for another full day doing his hobby. It's not every week but it's a pain in the arse being left for 14+ hours alone with a toddler and pregnant while he swans off enjoying himself. I'm keeping count of the days he owes me to go off and enjoy MYself (ha!) but I genuinely don't know what I'd do all day given half the chance, especially in these times when lots of places are closed. Anyone else feeling like a hobby widow and would like to commiserate? I know there's plenty of us out there. And ideas for fun ways to spend all these days off I'm due would be much appreciated so I can plan my revenge (lighthearted, sort of 😛).

You really think men are totally inadequate I think a lot of them are though, they stop maturing at 14 and opt out of being adults even when they have children.

and somewhere on Mumsnet at the time I bet his exhausted wife was getting told "well it's IMPORTANT for him to have a hobby, why don't you take up road-racing too?"
Because obviously the best thing is for the whole family to have zero interests and hobby time based on the fact one person doesn't have any interests of their own.

It baffles me on here that there are posters who seriously think it's unreasonable for both parents to have hobbies and interests beyond the family. It smacks of martyrdom in a 'I couldn't possibly have any interests because I'm such a devoted parent / the whole household would end if I had an evening a week at choir/yoga... so DH is obviously wrong to want to go for a Saturday morning bike ride/afternoon football training' . They know there's enough people of the same mentality that they can rant on mumsnet, get a pat on the back, enjoy the usual pile on about how all these men with hobbies must be terrible husbands/lazy fathers and then continue their normal life, no change and continue having children with these men (whilst also continuing to never pursue their own interests).

If my DH carried on the way some posters on hobby threads do then I'd be seeking a divorce.

OP,

14 hours!

What a selfish arse.

Absolutely no way I would have tolerated this bullshit when I had young children.

I sure as hell wouldn't have continued on having children with a man who thought it was ok to bugger off on his pregnant wife for 14 hours, leaving me with a toddler.

He is extremely selfish.

We teach people how to treat us.

This wouldn't happen in my house because my husband knows bloody well that I wouldn't accept such selfishness and anyway he isn't a man that would behave in such a selfish way.

OP,
You need to place some value on yourself.
Because your husband clearly isn't.

Raise your relationship bar OP, or you are in for years of the same sort of behaviour from a husband who puts his needs ahead of his pregnant wife.

He's really no prize.🙄

I've always been a hobby type person. When DS2 was 6m and could manage a couple of hours in my absence (bottle refuser) I began the slippery slope that is known as C25k... a year later I did my first half marathon...

It is hard in the pregnancy/ new baby stages. In late pregnancy with DS1, I was only physically capable of playing computer games and watching tv. A vile combination of SPD and carpal tunnel syndtome removed anything remotely physical or co-ordinated like crafting or even holding up a book to read. Then postnatal revovery and bottle refusing babies do not make for easy "me time"
But it's important to realise that that rut is temporary and start to carve out time for yourself. One friend used to go out with her book to a coffee shop on a Saturday morning because it was a break from the house and easier to concentrate.

Because obviously the best thing is for the whole family to have zero interests and hobby time based on the fact one person doesn't have any interests of their own.

Yeah, I’m sure the only reason that SAHM of three under-4s whose husband had an incredibly time-consuming hobby wasn’t also taking up road-racing is because she was just a really boring person and should have learned from her more interesting husband. Well done you cracked it!

@Darkestseasonofall

Ask him to have your dc tomorrow and go shopping and meet a fiend for lunch. Problem solved.

Ask him? Wtaf? Tell him you are going out. This imho is the main issue, women are seen as the default carer. Best thing I ever did was stop asking for time and just took it instead.

@GoldenOmber

Because obviously the best thing is for the whole family to have zero interests and hobby time based on the fact one person doesn't have any interests of their own.

Yeah, I’m sure the only reason that SAHM of three under-4s whose husband had an incredibly time-consuming hobby wasn’t also taking up road-racing is because she was just a really boring person and should have learned from her more interesting husband. Well done you cracked it!

Especially as time consuming hobbies are well known for being incredibly fascinating to everyone else, as opposed to being boring as fuck to anyone who doesn't share that particular niche interest.

My issue isn’t with men having a hobby. It’s the timing of said hobby. Why always when children are babies/toddlers? There’s no way mum is going to be able to indulge in a similar 14 hr hobby of her choosing at this time because.....oh yeah......someone out of the pair of parents needs to be around to change nappies/feed/stop toddlers braining themselves on the furniture.

And the difference is men put themselves first whilst the woman is thinking predominantly about the children, so the man will engage in hobby without a second thought, whereas the woman stays back & fulfils the role of childminder.

However much people argue this isn’t right, the woman should exert more assertiveness blah blah blah, the reality is that the woman will always put the needs of her children before anything else. So she sacrifices anything she would ordinarily do for herself. Especially in the early years of raising a family.

What really stands out for me on here is the amount of women saying that they don’t have hobbies or their hobby is “sitting in a cafe drinking a coffee”. It seems a shame that we as women don’t seem to have the same enjoyment of physically active hobbies as men do - I wonder if it’s a confidence issue or an expense issue (feels too indulgent to buy a £2k time trial bike like a lot of men I know do) or just a lack of having other women to go with?

Sitting drinking caffeine just doesn’t seem like the healthiest hobby or way to replenish the batteries and care for ones mental and physical health to me.

Do you have a hobby OP?

I see lots of these posts and it makes me feel awful because I think my husband must feel like this sometimes.

I have a couple of hobbies which take me out and about, classes, gatherings or all day in my workshop and my DH takes the baby. We have a "you can go out Friday night if I can have a joint day Saturday" type deal.

I think it would be much harder to accept him going to do his "things" if I didn't have any of my own to look forward to.

Amazing how having children really focuses some mens commitment to their hobbies.🙄

And women accept it.🙄

@AlmaBaldwin

You don't need a specific hobby- do you drive? Just drive somewhere and park up on your phone, read, watch Netflix on your phone or tablet. Go for a walk, go and sit in the park with a book weather permitting. Depending where you are and restrictions etc book into a hotel (depending on finances obviously but travellodge rooms are from £19) and have a 'holiday', watch films, read, have a long bath, whatever you enjoy.

I don't know if you do this but one thing mums (in general obviously, not all of them) need to stop doing is prioritising 'family time'. I see it all the time "DH golfs three times a week and all day Saturday I can't have a hobby because otherwise ill be gone all day Sunday which is family time otherwise we won't have any family time at all". It's not an issue for the dads why do the mums have to prioritise it.

Yes yes yes to the second paragraph!

Spent my whole marriage doing this whole ex h did what he wanted! Wish I'd done my own thing now!

@GoldenOmber 14+ hours at a time? Jesus, what's he doing, re-enacting the Siege of Leningrad? LMAO at this

@Ori3 *My issue isn’t with men having a hobby. It’s the timing of said hobby. Why always when children are babies/toddlers? There’s no way mum is going to be able to indulge in a similar 14 hr hobby of her choosing at this time because.....oh yeah......someone out of the pair of parents needs to be around to change nappies/feed/stop toddlers braining themselves on the furniture.

And the difference is men put themselves first whilst the woman is thinking predominantly about the children, so the man will engage in hobby without a second thought, whereas the woman stays back & fulfils the role of childminder.

However much people argue this isn’t right, the woman should exert more assertiveness blah blah blah, the reality is that the woman will always put the needs of her children before anything else. So she sacrifices anything she would ordinarily do for herself. Especially in the early years of raising a family.*

This is it in a nutshell for me. I don't resent him having a hobby, even one that takes such a stupidly long time as his does, but it wouldn't kill him to de-prioritise it for a couple of years while we navigate these difficult early years together. I know the 'tit-for-tat' argument is not very healthy, but it doesn't seem fair that so much has changed for me since DS was born, and not that much really has for him! But from what I read on here, it sounds like we're not the only couple with this issue.

I like the idea of making a list of all the things I used to enjoy in my non-mum life (seems like forever ago!). I genuinely think I've forgotten so much of what makes me me, just because I've been serving my son's needs 24/7 for so long. I used to sing, and volunteer at church, and do yoga. When the new baby is old enough I'm going to start to reclaim myself!

PS: I would say what his hobby is, but it's so niche it would out me immediately if anyone I know is on here. I don't mean to be deliberately secretive!

😂😂😂 Every woman on MN who posts about their DH's hobby thinks this, so much so that it's on the MN bingo card.

It always turns out to be cycling or golf.

I never understand why this has to become such a performance though. Just make your plans, tell him what they are so that he knows he's looking after his child at that time, and then crack on with whatever you want to do. If you don't have anything that you want to do - that's not his fault and no reason for him to give up what he enjoys doing. If he's not prepared to look after his child while you do your thing, then you have bigger problems than his "hobby".

@Al1langdownthecleghole

From time to time I consider buying a load of fishing gear; comfy chair bed, shelter etc and finding somewhere beautiful just to read a book.

I did actually come across a couple by the canal earlier in the year. He was fishing and she was sat in a chair with a book and a glass of wine.

Fishing is probably a good hobby for busy tired mums. You don't need to worry about catching any fish but you can sit for hours doing nothing in pleasant surroundings with nobody pestering you.

Just make sure you have a drink, snacks, a book and a seat and blanket to be warm and comfy.

OP, perhaps you should take up 'fishing' and you and DH have alternate Saturdays for your hobby and then do something together on a Sunday?

Get into horses 😎

At the very least he should do all the cooking for the weekend once he is back from his not at all probably niche hobby.

This is what I encounter this morning.. head down frowning as he pulled his two small children along. They were happily chatting in the buggy 😅

I though to myself

Wonder if mums a mumsnet and said ok you do your hobby but your training with the D.C. 😉

@Darkestseasonofall

Ask him to have your dc tomorrow and go shopping and meet a fiend for lunch. Problem solved.

Very apt for Halloween week!

@TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross

PS: I would say what his hobby is, but it's so niche it would out me immediately if anyone I know is on here. I don't mean to be deliberately secretive!

😂😂😂 Every woman on MN who posts about their DH's hobby thinks this, so much so that it's on the MN bingo card.

It always turns out to be cycling or golf.

It's mucking out the elephant enclosure at Whipsnade zoo, isn't it?

Have you spoken to him at all about this - how you feel you are losing yourself and would like to reclaim some time for you once the baby is born. And the impact that his hobby is having

Brilliant advice here but @ArtemisBean I think you have to do something for yourself, this weekend. What is actually stopping you from doing something on your own tomorrow? Even if it’s just going out for lunch alone or with a friend/relative, a walk, swimming etc. Or telling DH to take the toddler out for long enough for you to watch a film, have a bath and maybe ring a friend (ie all morning or afternoon)?

If tomorrow is all booked up with stuff already then make a plan for next Saturday. Martyring yourself for the next X months when the toddler is clearly manageable by one parent is unnecessary and will make you very very sad ❤️

And the difference is men put themselves first whilst the woman is thinking predominantly about the children, so the man will engage in hobby without a second thought, whereas the woman stays back & fulfils the role of childminder
The implication there is therefore those women who do manage to have hobbies mustn't be thinking of their children or don't put their children first.
I do enjoy my hobbies without a second thought . I know my DH is a decent husband and dad so I don't need to worry about going for a run. Why would I? I had interests before being a mum and its important to me not to have my identity swamped by motherhood.

Another thread recently someone argued that when they see men riding their bikes on a weekend thay they know their wives must hate them, they're lazy, avoiding the children, crap husbands and so on. Obviously the fact that they know nothing about these strangers' makes the whole invention of their home lives quite bizarre.

Of course there's some selfish men out there, but theres a lot of posters here with fairly massive chips on their shoulder and a fundamental unwillingness to achieve an equitable set up. This means they're incapable of considering a world where men and women manage to have a life outside the children.

GoldenOmber
I'm not saying it's the only reason. What I'm saying is that most of the arguments seem to rest on the idea 'I don't have any interests or hobbies so you shouldn't either'.
Even when countless posters suggest that the solution is thay BOTH parents have appropriate free time and whatever time is available is shared fairly, there's always posters who'll argue that is unreasonable or impossible.

@Ori3

My issue isn’t with men having a hobby. It’s the timing of said hobby. Why always when children are babies/toddlers? There’s no way mum is going to be able to indulge in a similar 14 hr hobby of her choosing at this time because.....oh yeah......someone out of the pair of parents needs to be around to change nappies/feed/stop toddlers braining themselves on the furniture.

And the difference is men put themselves first whilst the woman is thinking predominantly about the children, so the man will engage in hobby without a second thought, whereas the woman stays back & fulfils the role of childminder.

However much people argue this isn’t right, the woman should exert more assertiveness blah blah blah, the reality is that the woman will always put the needs of her children before anything else. So she sacrifices anything she would ordinarily do for herself. Especially in the early years of raising a family.

Exactly this! It was me who posted about the guy taking up road racing with three young children. It was the wide eyed way he said it as if it was an unavoidable coincidence that he'd taken it up at that stage of life, and not him shirking his responsibilities by spending as much time as possible away from a house filled with multiple toddlers. If I were his wife I would've killed him.