His 'hobby' strikes again - when do mums get to have fun??

[ArtemisBean]

DH has just shoved off for another full day doing his hobby. It's not every week but it's a pain in the arse being left for 14+ hours alone with a toddler and pregnant while he swans off enjoying himself. I'm keeping count of the days he owes me to go off and enjoy MYself (ha!) but I genuinely don't know what I'd do all day given half the chance, especially in these times when lots of places are closed. Anyone else feeling like a hobby widow and would like to commiserate? I know there's plenty of us out there. And ideas for fun ways to spend all these days off I'm due would be much appreciated so I can plan my revenge (lighthearted, sort of 😛).

From time to time I consider buying a load of fishing gear; comfy chair bed, shelter etc and finding somewhere beautiful just to read a book.

I did actually come across a couple by the canal earlier in the year. He was fishing and she was sat in a chair with a book and a glass of wine.

@AlmaBaldwin

You don't need a specific hobby- do you drive? Just drive somewhere and park up on your phone, read, watch Netflix on your phone or tablet. Go for a walk, go and sit in the park with a book weather permitting. Depending where you are and restrictions etc book into a hotel (depending on finances obviously but travellodge rooms are from £19) and have a 'holiday', watch films, read, have a long bath, whatever you enjoy.

I don't know if you do this but one thing mums (in general obviously, not all of them) need to stop doing is prioritising 'family time'. I see it all the time "DH golfs three times a week and all day Saturday I can't have a hobby because otherwise ill be gone all day Sunday which is family time otherwise we won't have any family time at all". It's not an issue for the dads why do the mums have to prioritise it.

Such a good point here.

The concept of "family time" seems to be a newish one, and one with some social media inspired vision of the "perfect family" all having wonderful harmonious, picture perfect moments together. A concept that seems to leave mums feeling guilty when this mythical special time does not occur, usually at the weekend!

Rather than chasing this idealised vision, get yourself out and leave the kids with Dad, let go and spend some time on yourself.

@Goatinthegarden your sil is a flipping genius.

Everyone should do this.

Wow, so many replies and it's not even 9am! So much food for thought here, thanks everyone It's so good to hear other perspectives.

I don't know if you do this but one thing mums (in general obviously, not all of them) need to stop doing is prioritising 'family time'. I see it all the time "DH golfs three times a week and all day Saturday I can't have a hobby because otherwise ill be gone all day Sunday which is family time otherwise we won't have any family time at all". It's not an issue for the dads why do the mums have to prioritise it.

It can be hard when you're pregnant to make long term plans for yourself. It feels short sighted or selfish to start thinking about things that you feel will be broken up by the demands of family.

These really stood out for me. I think that's exactly why I can't get excited about planning anything for myself right now - I just feel like I'm stuck until the new baby is at least six months old. I'm probably taking way too much guilt and responsibility on myself and just need to get a grip and leave DH to it for the day, as some PPs have suggested!

I love that tip about getting the kids into his hobby so they can all go together and I can take the day off - genius! Give it a few years...

PS: I would say what his hobby is, but it's so niche it would out me immediately if anyone I know is on here. I don't mean to be deliberately secretive!

@Goatinthegarden

Excellent! Once my dd was old enough I enrolled her in golf camp one school hols for exactly the same reason, it put him off going because no 19th hole!

Ask him to have your dc tomorrow and go shopping and meet a fiend for lunch. Problem solved.

Some of us are in Tier 3. No household mixing. Pubs and bars shut

MsTSwift
Fair enough. I see your point.

For me and DH it's still really important to both of us to maintain our interests outside the family. Unfortunately that comes with a few days out the home but we both don't mind because it always evens out.

[quote Fluffycloudland77]@Goatinthegarden your sil is a flipping genius.

Everyone should do this.[/quote]
Personally, I think I’m the flipping genius. DH and I opted not to have children so we can both fill all our spare time and money exactly as we please... but I agree, she has managed to make the most of her predicament.

Everyone on Mumsnet thinks their husband's hobby is niche believe me

@MsTSwift

I think it’s totally unacceptable to have all encompassing hobbies at your stage with tiny children.

Dh has a hobby he is obsessed with but only kicked off properly when youngest at school and he would get up madly early to be back by 11 and there all rest of day. Now kids both secondary I have my own hobby too and it’s 50/50. Sodding off for 14 hours leaving you with a toddler is not on.

Same. There is no way I would have tolerated being left for 14 hours to solely care for a toddler on a frequent basis whilst pregnant for the sake of a hobby.

ok no hobbies as such, but I have things i enjoy doing, reading, yoga, playing the piano. and I make time for these in the week when not working or evenings. when dh is cooking dinner or clearing up. the kids see me do this and i think its great! I also love meeting up with friends in the big smoke, taking in an exhibition theatre, or restaurant. these don't eat in to "family time" and the kids hardly notice im not there (they are at school though). I just drop it in to conv a month ajead that I'm not going to be around whenever and dh(avid cyclist) deals.

I’ve never actually seen one where hobby was genuinely something very unusual.

Yes us too Lola I do agree but can be hard when kids babies

Whenever people are coy about the hobby in my mind it is fantasy role play in the woods dressing up as wizards and elves. A friends dh did this

I have a 3 year old and a baby and tbh I don't have the energy to take up a hobby. All my friends are in the same boat and we can never get child free time at the same time!

There are other ways of having time out to yourself though. Just go and sit in a cafe for a couple of hours with a book or something to start off with.

I've done a night away in a cheap hotel with my mum to chill out (and have a solid sleep) a couple of times too.

I think it's fair enough if he is only doing a day away every so often, mine is similar and it works ok.

My hobby is binge watching drama all day which is really hard to do unless my hubby takes the kids out for a day but when he does it's bliss.

I have to say if my DH did this I would immediately get myself a hobby.

I don't care what...I would find something even if it was just going to a friend's house (restrictions permitting) and pretending we were crafting while actually just drinking tea and eating cake.

What's good for the goose, is good for the gander and all that.

Is it cycling?

14 hours of cycling..?

I personally think 14 hours is a bit much and I know its not what u asked opinions on but tit-for-tat is a dangerous road to start on in terms of staying close to each other. you may find you drift apart as your hobbies consume you and the idea of "fairness" takes away from trust and generosity and respect which make a relationship work.

My partner plays golf...a lot.we also have a two year old. I made it a priority when she was little and I thought I was going to have a full on meltdown to make time for myself. Back then I would express milk then go out for the morning and just have a coffee and some cake and read a book in a local cafe. I still do this but also have taken up running which I try to make sure I do at least twice a week. I’ve been clear to my partner that I need time to myself too or else I will not be nice to live with . It might be worth sitting your partner down and explaining how you’re feeling and also explaining what you’re going to do to get some time to yourself.

14+ hours at a time? Jesus, what's he doing, re-enacting the Siege of Leningrad?

Yes both partners should get time to do something they enjoy, whether that's 'a hobby' or just sitting in the shed. But there is a reason that most mothers (and tbh lots of fathers) of young children don't take up hugely time-consuming hobbies, and it isn't because we're baby-brain-addled fools who don't understand that hobbies are okay.

I was making small talk with a colleague last year and mentioned a friend who was a SAHM to three children under four, saying I don't know how she coped, there's no way I could handle it etc. Then he idly mused that he and his wife would've had three under four at one stage "and that was around the time I took up road racing, which is very time consuming".

...and somewhere on Mumsnet at the time I bet his exhausted wife was getting told "well it's IMPORTANT for him to have a hobby, why don't you take up road-racing too?"

@goatinthegarden your SIL is a genius!

@GoldenOmber

I was making small talk with a colleague last year and mentioned a friend who was a SAHM to three children under four, saying I don't know how she coped, there's no way I could handle it etc. Then he idly mused that he and his wife would've had three under four at one stage "and that was around the time I took up road racing, which is very time consuming".

...and somewhere on Mumsnet at the time I bet his exhausted wife was getting told "well it's IMPORTANT for him to have a hobby, why don't you take up road-racing too?"

Burn.

It's a bit unfair to resent his hobby if there's nothing you'd like to do with some free time, although you are definitely due some! I think sometimes when you get used to having no spare time, it's difficult to know what you'd like to do with some!

Perhaps think of some things you'd like to do - they don't have to be full on 14 hour days. One of my greatest pleasures when I get some time alone is simply to sit in a cafe for an hour with a coffee (or two) and read a book (by the window if possible so I can alternate reading with people, watching). I love just going for a walk ony own sometimes. Although I love meeting up with my friends and my mum (more difficult now I'm in a tier 2 region and the weather is rubbish), being all own my own is such a rarity it's an absolute treat!

I also second the spa day idea and looking at a longer term hobby you might enjoy, but at least start small to make sure you're getting the head space you need and deserve.

You really think men are totally inadequate

No.

I think some men are wilfully inadequate. Whether this is the case for OP or not isn't clear.