His 'hobby' strikes again - when do mums get to have fun??

[ArtemisBean]

DH has just shoved off for another full day doing his hobby. It's not every week but it's a pain in the arse being left for 14+ hours alone with a toddler and pregnant while he swans off enjoying himself. I'm keeping count of the days he owes me to go off and enjoy MYself (ha!) but I genuinely don't know what I'd do all day given half the chance, especially in these times when lots of places are closed. Anyone else feeling like a hobby widow and would like to commiserate? I know there's plenty of us out there. And ideas for fun ways to spend all these days off I'm due would be much appreciated so I can plan my revenge (lighthearted, sort of 😛).

I think it’s totally unacceptable to have all encompassing hobbies at your stage with tiny children.

Dh has a hobby he is obsessed with but only kicked off properly when youngest at school and he would get up madly early to be back by 11 and there all rest of day. Now kids both secondary I have my own hobby too and it’s 50/50. Sodding off for 14 hours leaving you with a toddler is not on.

It doesn't have to be with other people or out of the house. But ideally it would be long term and give you something that will grow and give you a feeling of accomplishment or pride or community over the years.

My retiree friends have discovered so many different interests which they could have been enjoying for years if they had ignored the 'I can't dance/ paint/ sing/ write .....' mantra in their heads.
Once you realise your time here is limited suddenly what others think doesn't matter.

pictish
I agree, but it's early in the morning and we are only on page 2.
Give it to page 5 and I'm sure the usual 'mum can't possibly have a hobby because the world would end and men who rise bikes are selfish gits who don't pull their weight (but for some reason are such good father material thay having several kids despite him doing nothing is a great idea)' arguments will be here.

MsTSwift
His hobby isn't all encompassing. He does a long day and it isn't weekly.

MrsT if he had a job that asked for overnights/long shifts/working away from home, that would make his absence acceptable I suppose?
I assume you would argue that work is a necessity so therefore unavoidable.
I think mental well-being, nurturing your personal skills and plain old enjoying yourself is also a necessity. I mean I know it doesn’t make any money...but it does go a long way to staving off depression and stress, keeping us mentally well and able to face the responsibilities of parenting and work.

I’m glad my dh is supportive of my hobby which eats into ‘family time’ and costs a bit for kit as well. He’s a good egg.

I am really pro hobby don’t get me wrong (spent all last Sunday with friends doing my own!) but think when you are pregnant with a toddler stage he needs to rein it in. Now is not the time for all day jaunts.

Dh was bit like this at the start when the dc were newborn he was OK but from about 4 months he went home every Saturday where he got made tea and chilled out while I was on my own. Landed back at 6 for dinner. So it nearly broke us.
Talk to him. Yes a hobby is great but next Saturday you go out as if you stay at home you will end up cleaning etc.
Travelodge idea is great! Then make things a regular occurrence. So you've a hair appointment or whatever and he works around it

My DP works away a lot (in non corona times anyway) so when he is home he knows I need my down time and is very happy for me to have a days away mooching around the shops, going for a swim and out for lunch while he has time with the DCs and also frequent lie ins (hiding under duvet on iPad) when he is here. Having a regular hobby is more difficult with the unpredictable nature of when he might be away so that will have to wait until they are a bit older but he does appreciate my need for space too!

I wonder if he’s a hill walker rather than a cyclist. Dh and I hill walk and it often means being out of the house for 12 hours or more, given travel times on top of an extended hike. We don’t go every week owing to time constraints and family responsibilities but we do go every few weeks.

Back when ours were tots I didn’t mind dh going without me, which every few weeks, he did. I had a lot of social stuff going on at that time so got my own thrills enjoying all that.
Now the kids are older we regularly go together.
It was all fine.

Or it could be fishing?

@Nancydowns

Spa day.

I think a lot of men feel family days out are for mum too. Where as they are not fun for dad, so dad needs time away to do fun things.

A spa day would be purgatory for me. I know I'm not alone here, but it's so often suggested as the obvious way for a woman to get a day off.

If men feel this, they need to have it pointed out to them in clear, simple language that 'mum' is a human being too and may also not be finding it fun. She may feel it's good for the children to have lots of time as a family, and that the children's needs come first. He should be feeling that too, but neither of them should be doormats. Both parents need a break from childcare at times for the sake of their sanity.

When my children were little, I was a SAHM and then I had a very part-time job I did from home. From time to time my husband took a day off work to look after the children while I went out for the day on my own. It was lovely. Sometimes I went shopping, other times I went to a part of London with a good park and had a walk and a nice lunch. I had my book with me and got to read it uninterrupted on the train, over coffee etc. I'd get home with all batteries re-charged. Recommended.

(Of course, I know from years on MN that some partners would sabotage a day like that - partner on day off would come home to find house a bombshell, children in tears, other partner moaning about everything - fortunately for me, mine isn't like that.)

It’s up to the individual and personally was a sahm when my girls tiny and I would have struggled with dh vanishing for an entire day at the weekend. As soon as they abit older and I had my own life going on - absolutely fine. But when your kids that tiny you are often not really in the hobby zone. Well I wasn’t anyway.

Goatinthegarden

My SIL has very cleverly gotten the children involved in dbro’s hobbies. Now the children are desperate to go with him whenever it’s hobby time, so when he disappears for the day, so do they

This is genius!

@Goatinthegarden

My SIL has very cleverly gotten the children involved in dbro’s hobbies. Now the children are desperate to go with him whenever it’s hobby time, so when he disappears for the day, so do they...

Now this is a good patenting tip.

Neither was I but I had made friends with other women with tots so we had mutual outings with the kids, drinky nights in our homes without the kids, camping trips and picnics and so on. My dh wasn’t really involved in any of that. That was my thing at the time.
It evened out.

It's not an issue for the dads why do the mums have to prioritise it.

They don't "have to" but it's the kids who miss out when parents go all tit-for-tat, isn't it?

Similarly when wives of useless arseholes are advised to "just go out and leave them to it". Great, until the children get hurt or go hungry while dad sits on the Xbox.

"Leave him to sort out things for school". Right, and the children who get caught in the crossfire of this lesson-teaching to grown men?

Men's failures are not women's fault, but it's women who are often left to redress the balance.

You need to agree with your DH that you both have equal childfree free time. (That means proper free time, not doing housework.)

Also get a hobby yourself. Even if it is just sitting in cafes reading books, walking or something.

DH and I are both cyclists. When we became parents we accepted we would both have to cut right back, and DC is our priority. But retaining our hobby to some extent has been brilliant for physical and mental health, especially during Covid.

So now a typical weekend might be: Sat - DH cycles in the morning, family activity afternoon
Sunday - I cycle in the morning, family time in the afternoon.

But sometimes no one cycles and we do a big family day out. I’m not having DC’s childhood revolve around our cycling.

It’s about balance. Compromise and respect for each other

I think you're getting a harsh time here OP. Two full-time jobs (I know OP hasn't mentioned their employment status) and small children just doesn't leave loads of time for hobbies. An evening a week, the odd weekend, sure. But I know several parents who are out multiple evenings a week and at least one full day at the weekend.

If both parents did that the family would spend bugger all time together as a unit. I'm not one for "family time" or "making memories", but I do think it's important to have a decent chunk of time with all family members milling about, whether just at home or out for a walk - not just the big occasions or days out etc.

I was making small talk with a colleague last year and mentioned a friend who was a SAHM to three children under four, saying I don't know how she coped, there's no way I could handle it etc. Then he idly mused that he and his wife would've had three under four at one stage "and that was around the time I took up road racing, which is very time consuming". I mean. Come on. Three small kids is not the time of life to pick up a time consuming hobby. Do something else for a few years.

Well said MarthaWashingtonsFeralTomcat.

I don’t get some of these posts, if it’s such an issue why don’t you say something? He can’t know you want time off if you don’t communicate that! I don’t understand why so many people on here begrudge men with hobbies as well, it’s either that or they moan about them moping about at home doing nothing.

My DH has a hobby where he’s gone all day, but if I really didn’t want him to go I would say. I don’t have any hobbies (we have a young child also), but I know if I did he would support me, so I support him. Maybe think of something you want to do, and say right on this day I’m doing xyz, can you look after DC.

MarthaWashingtonsFeralTomcat

You really think men are totally inadequate

In the majority they’re not any more inadequate than woman and perfectly capable of looking after there own children without them coming to harm

Occasional time away from family is fine, if you don’t have a hobby that’s your choice, but sit down and talk about how your family is going to work with regards time away and childcare

Yup...I never had an issue that stemmed from leaving my dh to get on with it. He would be insulted at the insinuation that he was some sort of liability. I never gave my dh’s capability or willingness a thought. I don’t think he did either.

The Travelodge suggestion is great. A lot of hotels are doing day rates because of Covid so you could book in and read, write, draw, craft, sleep, binge your fave show, etc. and then be home for dinner.

Only came onto this thread to read the comments from people saying YABU to talk about a “hobby” rather than say what it is, I’m really disappointed at the lack of them

I too was a hobby widow when the kids were babies, until I discovered running/cycling/swimming. Now I’m divorced and whenever the kids are with their dad I use the time to have whole days out on the bike, or doing sportives or enjoying outdoor swimming or running events in the lovely countryside. I’ve made lots of friends, got fitter, found things I love doing, and never looked back.

I’d advise you to get an active hobby & throw yourself into it headfirst. Then ensure you get exactly the same amount of hobby days as your DH. He’s probably just thinking that as you don’t have a hobby you don’t need the time back (which of course you do)

Is it cycling?

Why are ppl so cryptic?