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Original poster

Straight women who are sexually attracted to women... but only at a distance

56 replies

HashtagLOSING · 22/10/2020 14:25

Hi,

By "at a distance", I mean a woman who is turned on by lesbian porn for example, but has no intention of physically acting on their desires, so identifies as straight.

This was inspired by a conversation with my straight friend earlier on....

Friend was over for coffee and loose women was on in the background (in the BACKGROUND! Please, no judging) and a video of Heidi Klum scantily clad, dancing provocatively came on. Now, I'm bisexual and married to a woman and whereas I have never looked at Heidi Klum and thought anything really, it did catch my attention and so I commented to friend who was mid sentence "sorry, I got a bit distracted there Grin" and said I thought she looked hot. Friend said "bloody hell, yeah" and then started fanning herself and said something along the lines of she's feeling a bit frisky now. Thing is, I wasn't actually surprised. I've often heard things like this from apparently 'straight' women.

Now I'm not saying all these women are in denial. I am genuinely just curious, as actually this used to be me!

I would have fantasies and "girl crushes" ( I now hate that expression, as what does it mean really? A crush is a crush isn't it?) but I was 100% sure I didn't want a relationship with one and saw myself as straight, but someone who had sexual fantasies about women....occasionally, but definitely nothing more. Then I had sex with one and that was that Grin

Obviously this was just my experience and I'm honestly not judging or suggesting that if you enjoy a bit of lesbian porn you must be bisexual or gay, it just genuinely got me thinking.

Interested to hear your thoughts...

OP posts:
AllPlayedOut · 22/10/2020 16:18

My SIL is married to a woman. She is straight. It baffles people regularly!

Why would a straight woman marry a woman?

SarahAndQuack · 22/10/2020 16:19

I think the idea of women's sexuality being fluid is a very unpleasant bit of misogyny/gendered biphobia, really.

Society wants to believe women's sexuality is fluid because then it suggests women can be persuaded into doing things they've never expressed an interest in. Society also doesn't care as much if women's sexuality is 'fluid' (euphemism for: if women sometimes have sex with other women), because lesbian sex isn't real sex after all, and two ladies kissing isn't offensive (unless they're not pretty or young). By contrast, men having sex with men is Serious Business, and therefore men's sexuality must not be fluid at all.

RuffleCrow · 22/10/2020 16:23

Sexuality is about who you're sexually attracted to. It's not about who you've slept with up until now.

There's nothing more than superficial acceptance of bisexual people, even within the LGBT community so of course women keep quiet, marry men and have kids. It's just easier than having to keep coming out contantly and dealing with the social cost. I'm bisexual myself so feel qualified to talk.

Redcups64 · 22/10/2020 16:26

I’m straight but have been distracted by women before or thought they were hot, but I’d never act on it. I think some guys are hot too but if they don’t have the personality to match I won’t act on it, as they too are not my type. I have a type, but still find other types ok

Legallyblondeee · 22/10/2020 16:39

I think the whole thing with watching lesbian porn if you’re a straight woman, is that it seems to be more.... intimate and gentle and “ loving” than the standard male/female equivalent.

nibdedibble · 22/10/2020 16:46

I’ve never met a woman I’d like to have sex with but I do find the idea of a relationship with a woman quite...comforting? Men are such a blight (as a species, broadly speaking). Misogyny’s not going anywhere.

What kills it for me is the politics of being with a woman. I’ve had lesbian friends say some incredibly prejudiced things about ‘the straights’ to my face, really hurtful, and a special ire is reserved for what they see as straight women playing at liking women.

I’d never discuss my thoughts and feelings with them for just this reason. Btw I used the word friends but they are quite horrible people, ex-friends I guess!

nibdedibble · 22/10/2020 16:49

Oh ffs I got distracted by teenagers.
I definitely have crushes on women but irl not so much.
I find it all too scary to contemplate because I can see there’s not a lot of time for women who aren’t necessarily about to shake off their heteronormativity but who nevertheless aren’t totally straight.

nitsandwormsdodger · 22/10/2020 17:29

I suggest friend was trying to be likeable by seeming faking or expressing real attraction either to be flirtatious or just banter
I knew friends who would get male attention in clubs by snogging each other ( totally worked) I was always conflicted by thinking it was funny cool or offensive

Original poster
HashtagLOSING · 22/10/2020 17:38

@nitsandwormsdodger, yes, I remember those days 🙄 I don't think my friend was faking or just being agreeable. She was definitely in agreement with me. She has in the past said similar things.

I'm not questioning her sexuality specifically, it just reminded me how common this seems to be, in my experience anyway.

OP posts:
EndlessWaffle · 22/10/2020 18:09

@AllPlayedOut

My SIL is married to a woman. She is straight. It baffles people regularly!

Why would a straight woman marry a woman?

I knew someone in the exact same situation. When she talked about it to me, she said that she didn't fall in love with a woman, she fell in love with a person. When she said it like that it just made total sense to me. I think that's maybe what underlies a lot of this discussion. Yes there is a spectrum, yes everyone is different and nuanced. But maybe the whole labelling of gay straight bi etc is incorrect. You just fall in love with a person. You might have preconceptions about what kind of person you want to fall in love with, so you identify with a sexuality label. But in the end you just fall in with a person, and that's it
EndlessWaffle · 22/10/2020 18:10

@SarahAndQuack you totally nailed it! Couldn't agree more

AllPlayedOut · 22/10/2020 18:24

There's nothing straight about a woman who falls in love and starts a relationship with another woman. It's like being a meat eating vegan.

But maybe the whole labelling of gay straight bi etc is incorrect. You just fall in love with a person. You might have preconceptions about what kind of person you want to fall in love with, so you identify with a sexuality label. But in the end you just fall in with a person, and that's it

Personally I think that's utter nonsense. I hate the way that the idea of falling in love with a person is being used to push the idea that Lesbians should sleep with men/male bodied people, That's a whole other thread but it does feel as though women's sexuality and boundaries, whether straight, bi or lesbian, are often seen now as something to be erased, ignored or coerced. It feels as though everyone is trying to rewrite the entire dictionary sometimes.

Regularsizedrudy · 22/10/2020 18:26

I think @SarahAndQuack is bang on.

RuffleCrow · 22/10/2020 18:36

Yes @allplayedout. I happen to be one of those bisexuals who drifts in and out of being primarily attracted to men or women, but that's just me! I would never want the sexualities of 51% of the population to be assumed on the basis of my weird idiosyncracies.

ShowOfHands · 22/10/2020 18:48

I resent many of the things that people tell me about my sexuality and the perceptions of female sexuality in general. I had a proper row with somebody on here once who said women are all bi. All I could hear was available to everybody whether you say so or not. It's infuriating. But a similar amount of shit gets levelled at actual bi women. See also bi men who are gay but can't admit it Hmm

I do appreciate that SIL being straight and married to a woman is a bit of a contradiction though! Still true but not common.

AllPlayedOut · 22/10/2020 18:49

Rufflecrow There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. I have a friend who is bi and feels similarly.

AllPlayedOut · 22/10/2020 18:51

ShowOfHands

Why would a straight woman marry another woman? It makes no sense to me. Is their relationship entirely platonic?

BitGutted · 22/10/2020 19:00

My cousin was with this guy, had 2 kids and is now "a lesbian"
Children go between the "mummy and girlfriend and daddy and girlfriend"
It's all very amicable

To the point my cousin meets up with her ex secretly and still sleeps with him aswell as the new girlfriend

I asked her why she says she likes aspects of both so guessing bisexual but not great for anyone really

SarahAndQuack · 22/10/2020 21:49

@Regularsizedrudy

I think *@SarahAndQuack* is bang on.
Thank you!
JoJoSM2 · 22/10/2020 22:14

This thread is news to me. I’ve never had a crush on a woman.

LeSquigh · 22/10/2020 22:22

This is a really interesting thread.

I would class myself as mostly straight, haven’t dabbled in anything more than snogging with another woman. I wouldn’t want a relationship with a woman, mainly because we are all crazy and I can’t be bothered with it 🤣. I have a male DP and have only ever had relationships with men.

HOWEVER, without exception when I watch porn I always watch women. Usually women and men together but it’s the woman I am watching. I can’t get turned on watching a man at all and most definitely not man on man. Women are prettier and sexier and lovelier all round.

I have no idea if I am bisexual. I don’t class myself as being so but would have no problem with doing so if I was. But I don’t think I am, mainly because I don’t want a relationship with a woman. Maybe I am just odd. I have wondered if others are like me and I guess they are but just don’t talk about it very much.

noego · 22/10/2020 22:30

I've been in relationships with women who were bi curious and went from bi curious to bi sexual so I can only report their view of it.
They all said that emotional connection was needed and the sex was better when there was this connection.
The view they had on their sexuality after these encounters was in percentage terms for example was 80/20 bi.
The ages ranged from 25 - 48 and all had be curious for a while, and had, had girl crushes most of their lives.

StarlightLady · 23/10/2020 05:30

Lots of crushes and more. I see myself as “sexual”, no prefix required.

I thought l was “straight” (not sure l like that term either!) when a renaissance with another woman in my early 30s (early 40s now) taught me otherwise. It made me revisit thoughts of the “kissing practice” l did with some other girls back in my teens. We said it was to ensure we were good kissers for the boys! Who was l trying to kid?

The Kinsey Scale quiz (quick to do and easily found on line) can be quite an eye opener; l come out as right down the middle.

I haven’t seen a lot, but I think most all female porn is geared for the male gaze though.

Sewrainbow · 23/10/2020 05:44

I don't know why we always have to labels.

I have no desire to say I'm bi, cis, hetroflexible or whatever. I don't want to be put in a box and would hopefully treat others well whatever they identify with.

What I do think is everyone probably has the potential to fancy/fall in love with anyone else and they don't know it until it happens iykwim.

I was thinking earlier that other than dh there are probably 4 people in my life I have felt strongly about, wondered "what if.." and havent quite got out my head be it love, lust or hormones. 3 Male 1 female.

On a different note I can appreciate beauty in other humans (m or f) without feeling attracted to them. It's just knowing they look good or seeing why others would like them. A bit like appreciating art. Personal opinion, no right or wrong.

Sewrainbow · 23/10/2020 06:05

I hadn't read the thread when I wrote my post, reading through others'views is interesting.

In no way do I think falling in love/being attracted to a person is means of disregarding lesbians or a means of allowing misogynistic views of women to pervade.

DH and I talked about this years ago, you just dont know who is going to come into your life and make a difference. What you do about that is down to your circumstances at the time. So the woman and 2 of the men i liked (the other was pre dh) and felt a connection with didn't go further because I was married with kids and didnt want to wreck that. Had I been single then it might have been a different story.