I just want my dd and my STBEH to move out.

[Spongebobs]

I know I’m going to sound awful but I’m just emotionally drained. Dd1 is mid twenties. I just want to be left alone with my other two younger dc.

I called time on my marriage about six weeks ago because I realised DH took the piss out of my life so much. Lying, lazy unpredictable. The day after dd1 had to move back in.

I really struggled in Lock down and I think I’ve got mild depression. I’m also trying to set up my new business which involves a ridiculous amount of paper work. Kids are off school for two weeks - I’m frazzled.

Dd1 eating disorder has reared its head again which I think it’s due to her work issues. I’ve spoken to her about it but she denies there is an issue and will not see a councillor which I will pay for. So she is over eating then bringing it all back up then an hour later eating again and so on. She’s hiding it well but I know the signs well. She’s very highly strung and I cannot say anything to her that is not pro dd as she accused me of having a go at her or being patronising. She’s hostile with the younger dc to the point she can be quite oppressive and they are avoiding her.

I’ve been trying to get her out of the house as much as I can by inviting her out on walks with my friends but she can be quite hostile to me for example -

She was taking selfies of her self whilst we were out with friends. Fair enough. But they were posed pouty shots, coat hanging off one shoulder, pulling the fur from her hood up around under her jaw like we was on a modelling shoot. I took some pics but I quietly said ‘ok enough now it’s a bit embarrassing’. She said really loudly ‘No YOUR embarrassing and walked off. My friends didn’t know where to look. She came back stoney faced and refused to talk to me the rest of the afternoon which was really awkward.

I don’t know how to bridge the gap. I feel like I shouldn’t have to keep pacifying a 25 year old when she is so hostile to me all the time. She’s had a great life. I don’t feel like I deserve this shit. I feel like both of them are treating me like a dickhead when in reality I’ve done fucking everything for them both.

I know I sound horrible but I just feel done today.

@WokesFromHome

A 25 year old woman staring down an 8-year old is bullying and I wouldn't have it.

I agree. It was a particularly bad moment as younger dd was having a few issues with a girl in her glass so was getting it at both ends. When I spoke to dd1 about it privately she just will not accept that younger siblings are annoying, silly and loud but she actually felt younger sibling had a vendetta against her.

We’ve had times where she has come of SM but she always goes back on them. Her job is in marketing so she uses SM a lot.

Thank you for all the supportive posts. I’ve read them all

@DishingOutDone

There is so much information available now about bulimia, FFS Freddie Flintoff made a documentary about it that was only shown on V a couple of weeks ago - so why do people still think that sufferers should just pull themselves together?! Its incredibly hard to get treatment for it - especially if you don't have anyone on your side supporting you. "Acting like a spoilt teenager"?

Sad but true but even Freddie was in denial about his bulimia and didn't want to address the issue until he was ready. Until then its just part of the bulimics routine and the more its mentioned the more defensive and secretive the bulimic will become.

I wish people would RTFT or at least the OPs posts! The photo shoot thing on the walk is very strange behaviour from a 25 year old and not really socially appropriate. I think a better response to that could have have been 'you look beautiful, but we need to carry on with our walk now'. Although I'm saying that sitting at home having had time to think it through, it's impossible to always say the right thing at the right time!

From everything you've written here you sound like a lovely, supportive mum and nothing you've said sounds like you've 'caused' her ED ffs 🙄.

Have you tried calling a helpline for people with eating disorders? They would probably be better placed to advise.

OP, you say she isn't your STBEH bio child so maybe there is some history which is causing her to abuse herself. She is obviously unhappy, but all you can do is let her know you will financially support her with seeing a counsellor when she is ready to do so. She may not see it as an issue (ie she feels in control of it) but constant bingeing and vomiting can damager her body so I'd ask for a 2nd opinion from GP as to what else there is to support her locally. You can then signpost her there, but if she refuses to engage, then you have done your bit.

More here if you haven't already visited www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk

As to the selfies, if she was taking them, then I'd leave her to it and walk off. If she wanted you to take one or two, that's fine, endless ones until she is happy and having everyone else waiting for her is not. No need to say it's embarrassing, just need to say that you want to get now with walking and then go. Don't engage in an argument about it - she's entitled to take as many of her photos as she wishes and you're entitled to enjoy your walk with your friends.

@movingonup20

Eating disorders are exhausting to deal with, many here don't realise - I really understand (it's not eating at all in our case) I have had to send my dd to my dms on occasions because I was at my wits end trying to coax her to eat constantly (my amazing mum always get her out of the downward spiral ). As for h's make him make plans but don't rush the process as it can make things worse and build further long term problems. We took 5 months to actually live separately but all is actually good

Im going to speak to him tonight about his moving out plans as he is actually a burden and makes me feel worse.

Thank you

@Spongebobs not saying you’ve given her a disorder as such but I don’t think you’ve helped enough, have you actually tried an intervention for example? If that was my daughter I’d move heaven and earth to find her the best doctor and I’d talk to her properly not sit on Mumsnet slagging her off to strangers that don’t care about her.

When you caught her staring your other child down why not say something immediately and nip it in the bud?

All those so keen to remind OP of her responsibilities to her adult DD, fine- but what about OP's minor DC? This is an adult woman bullying children. She is 25 years old. Her behaviour to the children is not OK and cannot be excused by an eating disorder or any other type of mental illness.

She’s hostile with the younger dc to the point she can be quite oppressive and they are avoiding her.

I caught her the other day staring her eight year old sister down, she did it till younger dd lowed her eyes

[quote Butterfly3105]@Spongebobs not saying you’ve given her a disorder as such but I don’t think you’ve helped enough, have you actually tried an intervention for example? If that was my daughter I’d move heaven and earth to find her the best doctor and I’d talk to her properly not sit on Mumsnet slagging her off to strangers that don’t care about her.

When you caught her staring your other child down why not say something immediately and nip it in the bud?[/quote]
I think you should probably go back and read my posts tbh

@Butterfly3105 No point trying to find the best doctor, it's wasted time if the adult DD refuses to engage and shuts down any conversation. DD is not ready to face up to her mental health yet.

@unmarkedbythat I agree, the behaviour to the younger children is unacceptable. However, based on what has been said it seems as though this behaviour is being triggered by unhappiness (interlinking with the bulimia) and so OP being in any way dismissive / rejecting of her daughter - e.g. by telling her she's embarrassing, isn't conducive to any happy children in my opinion.

[quote helloNCagain]@unmarkedbythat I agree, the behaviour to the younger children is unacceptable. However, based on what has been said it seems as though this behaviour is being triggered by unhappiness (interlinking with the bulimia) and so OP being in any way dismissive / rejecting of her daughter - e.g. by telling her she's embarrassing, isn't conducive to any happy children in my opinion.[/quote]
She’s 25 years old. She isn’t a child. And why have I rejected her?

@Spongebobs I have read it all and it’s clearly not enough

@ayeayeshipahoy is anyone who’s mentally ill ever ready to face upto mental illness most often not, that’s why you need decent friends family and physicians

[quote Butterfly3105]@Spongebobs I have read it all and it’s clearly not enough

@ayeayeshipahoy is anyone who’s mentally ill ever ready to face upto mental illness most often not, that’s why you need decent friends family and physicians[/quote]
So what else would you do?

[quote helloNCagain]@unmarkedbythat I agree, the behaviour to the younger children is unacceptable. However, based on what has been said it seems as though this behaviour is being triggered by unhappiness (interlinking with the bulimia) and so OP being in any way dismissive / rejecting of her daughter - e.g. by telling her she's embarrassing, isn't conducive to any happy children in my opinion.[/quote]
Her daughter is twenty five years old. Nothing the OP says suggests she would meet the threshold for intervention under the MHA, so what, exactly, should OP do?

@Spongebobs She's not a child, but she's ultimately still your child.

Saying "ok enough now it’s a bit embarrassing" could be seen as a rejection, as well as creating a thread on MN wishing for her to move out (though hopefully she doesn't ever stumble across this).

"She’s had a great life. I don’t feel like I deserve this shit. I feel like both of them are treating me like a dickhead when in reality I’ve done fucking everything for them both."

I can understand that you're very worn out (and it is hard living with someone with an eating disorder) but this whole quote seems a bit martyred if I'm honest. She may have had every material object she could ever want for, but if she has an eating disorder then she hasn't had a great life. Eating disorders most often stem from pain or a need for control.

I feel for you. There is no helping someone with an ED until they are ready to accept that they have one, and are mentally able to address it. Below 16 you have more control, but above that unless they are ill enough to be hospitalised under a section there is nothing you can do. Please don't be hurt by people on here saying you haven't done enough. They have no idea how hard it is to get mental health care for an adult who is refusing to engage.

I wish you luck. If possible try to get her to take a potassium supplement to safeguard her heart. Maybe also limit her access to food so that you are not carrying the burden of trying to feed a household when food is disappearing rapidly and unpredictably.

And no you did not cause this. Blaming the mother is a very much outdated response. Your dd is struggling with something, it may not even be body image. Even she may not know what it is. EDs go much deeper than 'I feel fat', or 'my parents messed up'.

@unmarkedbythat The OP isn't responsible for her daughter's eating disorder given that her daughter is an adult, but I'd focus on the issues around the younger children as opposed to if she takes some selfies on a walk or not .

You have a lot to deal with at the moment. I would try and let DD 25 stay at your house till November but as long as her behaviour is reasonable just let her do her own thing. No encouraging her to go for walks. And stop correcting her behaviour as long as its not terrible in which case I'd ask her to leave.

OP what you said to your daughter is damaging. She clearly has self-image and self-esteem issues and your comment will have been interpreted as there being shame in thinking you look good enough to take a picture (or have a 'modelling shoot' 🙄) people with eating disorders by nature have disordered thought patterns that aren't logical and 'socially acceptable'.

I had bulimia for 30 years ,I would not discuss at all for years ,I did go to the gp ,and unless you are under weight there is no help.
Gp knew ,but just offed me Prozac ,which didn’t work.

Mine started due to my parents divorce..I’m not saying that is why your dd started ..my parents were abusive ,and I’m no contact with them now ,and haven’t had contact in 20 years .

Anyway ,there was nothing anyone could of done to help me ,untill I wanted to stop.
I had to get to the point of bringing up blood from my throat and nose before I stopped.
I read a good book ,called the bulimia help method
That and wanting to stop is how I managed to stop.
I have to say ,I have a degree ,and I struggled passing my driving test ,but stopping bulimia was way way harder .

Maybe she needs some space ,maybe let her go out with her own friends.
I have a daughter myself now ,who stills at home ,when she should of flown the nest a long time ago.
I do have to grit my teeth , a lot ,and we do get on each other’s nerves .
But you have not got long till November x

@sacchariferous

I feel for you. There is no helping someone with an ED until they are ready to accept that they have one, and are mentally able to address it. Below 16 you have more control, but above that unless they are ill enough to be hospitalised under a section there is nothing you can do. Please don't be hurt by people on here saying you haven't done enough. They have no idea how hard it is to get mental health care for an adult who is refusing to engage.

I wish you luck. If possible try to get her to take a potassium supplement to safeguard her heart. Maybe also limit her access to food so that you are not carrying the burden of trying to feed a household when food is disappearing rapidly and unpredictably.

And no you did not cause this. Blaming the mother is a very much outdated response. Your dd is struggling with something, it may not even be body image. Even she may not know what it is. EDs go much deeper than 'I feel fat', or 'my parents messed up'.

Thank you for the potassium tip. I will order some shortly. I have already spoken to her about the effect on her heart every time she is sick but I didn’t know you could take potassium.

I think her dad being crap left behind some issues but his family and mine worked really hard to smother her in affection and she was spoiled to some degree. But it may well have left an imprint. Once again thanks for the potassium tip

[quote helloNCagain]@unmarkedbythat The OP isn't responsible for her daughter's eating disorder given that her daughter is an adult, but I'd focus on the issues around the younger children as opposed to if she takes some selfies on a walk or not .[/quote]
I'm sure OP would love to, but people in this thread have spent a lot of time and energy telling OP off for not wanting to pander to an adult woman demanding her mother take a number of posed shots of her on a group walk.

No traumas? Except for her dad.

That's pretty major for many people.

Disingenuous of you.

It's not a reflection on you if your daughter has suffered as a result of that. Making it about you and getting defensive is unhelpful. The suggestion that other people "spoiling" her would have counterbalanced the harm is just silly.

"...she actually felt younger sibling had a vendetta against her." Lot of issues for your DD1, I am so sorry.

I've met several people with eating disorders. It's just awful.

Is she at all religious. This is a Christian course which can help. It's very good and you do not necessarily need to be a Christian to go on it.

newid.org/

I am so sorry you are and she is struggling with this.

@workshy44

Op I don't know why you are getting a hard time. She is 25 and she is acting like a spoilt teenager, a rude one at that. I can totally get why you feel underappreciated, put upon and that your work will never be done having to still manage a 25 year old adults behavior

I know people are saying you have to help but I'm not sure what you can do if she won't help herself or accept help and accept she has a problem.
Also , totally get the selfie thing.. I would be mortified if my 25 year old behaved that way. To be honest it is something a 14 year old would do. Maybe if she was out with friends but not in the company of her mothers friends, totally inapprioate

Everything I was going to say.

A 25 year old out with mum and mum's friends, pouting and posing?! At 12 I would have been embarrassed my dds doing that - at 25 I would be walking off mortified.

She sounds very hard work and you sound understandably fed up. You have offered her counselling but she wont take it, do you know why?