I just want my dd and my STBEH to move out.

[Spongebobs]

I know I’m going to sound awful but I’m just emotionally drained. Dd1 is mid twenties. I just want to be left alone with my other two younger dc.

I called time on my marriage about six weeks ago because I realised DH took the piss out of my life so much. Lying, lazy unpredictable. The day after dd1 had to move back in.

I really struggled in Lock down and I think I’ve got mild depression. I’m also trying to set up my new business which involves a ridiculous amount of paper work. Kids are off school for two weeks - I’m frazzled.

Dd1 eating disorder has reared its head again which I think it’s due to her work issues. I’ve spoken to her about it but she denies there is an issue and will not see a councillor which I will pay for. So she is over eating then bringing it all back up then an hour later eating again and so on. She’s hiding it well but I know the signs well. She’s very highly strung and I cannot say anything to her that is not pro dd as she accused me of having a go at her or being patronising. She’s hostile with the younger dc to the point she can be quite oppressive and they are avoiding her.

I’ve been trying to get her out of the house as much as I can by inviting her out on walks with my friends but she can be quite hostile to me for example -

She was taking selfies of her self whilst we were out with friends. Fair enough. But they were posed pouty shots, coat hanging off one shoulder, pulling the fur from her hood up around under her jaw like we was on a modelling shoot. I took some pics but I quietly said ‘ok enough now it’s a bit embarrassing’. She said really loudly ‘No YOUR embarrassing and walked off. My friends didn’t know where to look. She came back stoney faced and refused to talk to me the rest of the afternoon which was really awkward.

I don’t know how to bridge the gap. I feel like I shouldn’t have to keep pacifying a 25 year old when she is so hostile to me all the time. She’s had a great life. I don’t feel like I deserve this shit. I feel like both of them are treating me like a dickhead when in reality I’ve done fucking everything for them both.

I know I sound horrible but I just feel done today.

@SunbathingDragon

You sound very much in denial OP. If your DD does eventually seek help and sees a counsellor, be prepared for her to realise how detrimental your actions and thoughts were to her wellbeing and for that to affect your future relationship.

What actions and thoughts?

Telling a 25 year old woman she was embarrassing me?

@Spongebobs
I'm not saying that any of your kids were stressful or disappointing, I'm just saying that children are able to have unlikeable traits (as we all do) but you don't outright tell them that, as it negatively affects their self esteem and sense of self.

"Great care was taken by us to make sure she wasn't emotionally damaged."

She's not a box of peaches. You can't carry her around gently and then get irritated when she becomes bruised anyway. She's a person. Maybe her ED was triggered by your behaviour, maybe it wasn't, but calling her spoiled can't help her recovery.

@Mummyoflittledragon

Justwinging You sound 28. “Just howling” is not appropriate about a 25 year, who has image issues and an eating disorder. She can’t just pull herself together because you think she should.

@Mummyoflittledragon seriously get a grip and stop making my comment something it's not. Getting personal because your over sensitive. You know full well I'm not laughing at any mental health issues I'm laughing at how the OP worded it. Sorry that at 28 I accidentally word things wrong. Drama queen

** For clarification, I'm not saying she's a child, I mean to suggest the word "children" in the sense of parent and child, not in terms of the age specifically.

[quote helloNCagain]@Keeping2ChevronsApart Most twenty-something year olds aren't suffering with an eating disorder and a family divorce though ...[/quote]
Most twenty five year olds aren't still affected by their parents divorcing years ago. They're supposed to be mature enough to understand that relationships break down. Plenty of people with eating disorders manage not to act like a teenager at 25. So many people rubbing their hands with glee once the divorce and half siblings were mentioned

I think one thing that helped me was to accept that there doesn't have to be a reason for MH issues- and conversely that you don't have to justify the right to be mentally ill any more than you need to justify having cancer. Shit happens. How can I support you now?

@Keeping2ChevronsApart I think the period of trauma / emotional issues can get extended when there's a suggestion that nothing bad happened. E.g OP says she's had a good life, been spoiled etc which probably prolongs the trauma and healing period.

I agree though, her behaviour seems reflective of a bigger issue and I think it would be wrong to say all people with eating disorders behave like this.

I’m not sure why posters are trying to accuse you of causing your DD purging. There is nothing to suggest you have but other women even in this day and age love to accuse the mothers.

I have a dd who works for an airline who actually checks the girls weight. Purging is very common amongst them. It’s a different world now. Young women are put under so much pressure to stay slim.

I’d have been embarrassed at the photo shoot. Maybe we missed the memo where going out for walks with a group of women involves taking staged photos of another adult over posing. I’d have told my dd to sod off tbh.

Keep pushing for the councillor it’s all you can do at this point.

However I’d really pull her up on her behaviours to her siblings. That’s not fair. MH issues or not.

[quote helloNCagain]@Spongebobs
I'm not saying that any of your kids were stressful or disappointing, I'm just saying that children are able to have unlikeable traits (as we all do) but you don't outright tell them that, as it negatively affects their self esteem and sense of self.

"Great care was taken by us to make sure she wasn't emotionally damaged."

She's not a box of peaches. You can't carry her around gently and then get irritated when she becomes bruised anyway. She's a person. Maybe her ED was triggered by your behaviour, maybe it wasn't, but calling her spoiled can't help her recovery.[/quote]
Where have I ever said I told her she was spoiled?! I’ve never said that to her. Your making stuff up now to fit how you were treated. Good night

What trauma? What are you talking about?

Thank you codex I think some posters are dragging their life in to the thread tbh.

Your main responsibility is to your young children, not to a rude 25 year old who wont accept help

I've not said you've called her spoiled to her face, but you have called her spoiled. Possible trauma of getting replaced by her siblings - when her eating disorder became prevalent. It's not a guarantee that that caused it, but the closeness in time frame seems she was affected by it on some level.

[quote helloNCagain]**@Keeping2ChevronsApart* I think the period of trauma / emotional issues can get extended when there's a suggestion that nothing bad happened*. E.g OP says she's had a good life, been spoiled etc which probably prolongs the trauma and healing period.

I agree though, her behaviour seems reflective of a bigger issue and I think it would be wrong to say all people with eating disorders behave like this.[/quote]
So the suggestion that dd1 had a good life extended the trauma of me and her father splitting up when she was three. Ok.

@helloNCagain

I've not said you've called her spoiled to her face, but you have called her spoiled. Possible trauma of getting replaced by her siblings - when her eating disorder became prevalent. It's not a guarantee that that caused it, but the closeness in time frame seems she was affected by it on some level.

Yes you did go back and read your own posts. I’m not responding to you anymore as you don’t even know what your writing yourself.

OP don’t engage with arm chair phycologists. Plenty of people understand where your coming from.

Here’s to a better day tomorrow.

The fact that you are so hellbent on the idea that she had a good life seems a little odd to me. She can have a great life and still have an eating disorder. I don't think saying she had a great is really conducive to much, IMO?

Some of her behaviour is unacceptable. I'm not accusing you of giving her an eating disorder - I'm just wondering why you can't accept the idea that she might have trauma / not have had as much of a good life as you believe is all? I've never met a happy person to behave like this.

Anyway, I'm just expressing some viewpoints. Hope it gets easier for both you and your daughter, and you have a nice night.

I had an eating disorder when I was 18, that popped up again in my mid twenties. It was not my parents fault, I had a lovely childhood. It sounds really hard for you Spongebobs, it's not your fault she's ill. You sound at the end of your tether with it all.

I’m not I’m done now codex and going to bed I don’t think I’ll be back on the thread. I just needed to offload my thoughts and I’ve had some thoughtful posts and advice back.

Kids eh !

I agree with workshy.

Eating disorders are NOT about vanity, they are frequently a response to trauma, abuse being a common one and you may not even be aware of it at this stage.

I don't have an Ed but a related condition and at your dds age my mum didn't know I'd been sexually abused by my dad.

Nobody with a charmed life develops one of the most serious mental illnesses going. Something triggered it, not saying your fault but you may well at least be unaware of the trigger.

I think you have some odd ideas about how to help and support someone with an Ed. Have you sought professional advice on this?

How can I support her when she won’t admit she has an issue. What more can I do? off the top of my head and with no expertise on Ed I would say

Positive comments
Healthy attitude to food and weight generally around your home, think if that's really the case
Supportive of her generally when there are things stressing her out
Complimenting her on personality traits, when she does something kind for another etc
Sympathy (seems to be lacking to be perfectly honest)
Do fun things with her that aren't diet/exercise related

A 25 year old with a serious mental illness which physically impacts growth too may well be "immature" compared to others her age who are healthy. That's not necessarily her fault

I agree intimidating the younger dc and being disrespectful isn't on, and must be dealt with but given the Ed maybe carefully so?

She’s 25 years old. She isn’t a child.

Whatever age she is she will always be YOUR child though.

I'm 48, I still turn to my mum for support at times. Don't you?

The situation with her dad sounds pretty traumatic to me! I've a dd almost 20 with a very difficult history with her dad and it's definitely affected her. She has anxiety and depression, thankfully not to a very serious extent at the moment but there's been times I've been very worried about her.

Also why would having brothers and sisters be traumatic?

Comments like this show you have little insight or sympathy for your eldest.

However well handled (and to be honest I suspect it wasn't!) a new step-parent and then new siblings is a huge change for all children, but especially in the difficult teen years the older child, however well they MIGHT seem to be coping still needs support, reassurance they are still loved and important within the family and allowed and encouraged to discuss any negative feelings.

Geez even toddlers don't always react well to a new sibling!

You don't TELL them they're embarrassing though! Certainly not in a situation relating to self image when you know they have an Ed!

She wasn’t a small child struggling to find her place in her home.

No she was a young teen who may have felt she was being squeezed out!

I left home at 17 not because that's an ideal thing to do but to escape an abusive home. I've yet to meet anyone who left home at a young age without there being some kind of issue in the home.

You're very defensive and there's lots of denying type comments, the tone makes me think there is something you know or suspect and are trying to ignore.

Often with mental illness there's a "perfect storm" situation so not one thing in particular but several things happening at once that make the sufferer feel overwhelmed.

Mental illness generally, apart from a few of the more rare and extreme types come out of the wild blue yonder.

If you were to speak to my parents on mine you'd get the impression they did nothing remotely wrong, that it was a totally unpredictable surprise etc the truth is far from that.

Others I've met with mental illness it's been triggered by assault, burglary, bullying at school or work...

But there's usually something.

Few people lead a totally charmed life anyway.

You sound overwhelmed and struggling op yes, but you also sound as if you're building up to blaming your dd for this when she is but one factor and from the sounds of things not the main one, that seems to be your stbexh who isn't shifting and should be. That's an incredibly stressful position he's put you in. I reckon if he were to move out you'd feel a lot more able to cope with the other stressors in your life.

Having rtft I would say that it likely stems from her dad being 'a bit crap'. My dad was 'a bit crap' and it launched me into teen years from hell, and an eating disorder. A parent not being present can cause real trauma.

And- it wouldn't have been easy to watch her much younger siblings receive some form of love and care from a father figure when it sounds like she didn't have that. I'm not saying her behaviour towards them is at all appropriate, but it adds up- you say it started at 18, she's 25 now.... so roughly when one of your children were 1?

You sound exhausted and I don't blame you. Having cared for people with mental illnesses in the past, it's exhausting. But it sounds like there's a root that you're not acknowledging, either through choice or because you honestly haven't seen it yet.

Try and carve out more 1:1 time with her. Sit down with her at a computer looking at counsellors together. Even phrase it as a counsellor being good for stress, temporarily, something like that. But it sounds like she really needs you right now.

No you don't sound awful. You sound like you're emotionally burnt out and that's okay . Can't understand why people are giving you a hard time.
She's 25 and there's little you can do to help your daughter until she accepts help. No reason for her to have whole household tiptoeing around her.

Can she make plans?

@Codexdivinchi

OP don’t engage with arm chair phycologists. Plenty of people understand where your coming from.

Here’s to a better day tomorrow.

They're wasted in their current job. They know everything about the OP and her family and what's going on in their minds without even meeting them 😀