I just want my dd and my STBEH to move out.

[Spongebobs]

I know I’m going to sound awful but I’m just emotionally drained. Dd1 is mid twenties. I just want to be left alone with my other two younger dc.

I called time on my marriage about six weeks ago because I realised DH took the piss out of my life so much. Lying, lazy unpredictable. The day after dd1 had to move back in.

I really struggled in Lock down and I think I’ve got mild depression. I’m also trying to set up my new business which involves a ridiculous amount of paper work. Kids are off school for two weeks - I’m frazzled.

Dd1 eating disorder has reared its head again which I think it’s due to her work issues. I’ve spoken to her about it but she denies there is an issue and will not see a councillor which I will pay for. So she is over eating then bringing it all back up then an hour later eating again and so on. She’s hiding it well but I know the signs well. She’s very highly strung and I cannot say anything to her that is not pro dd as she accused me of having a go at her or being patronising. She’s hostile with the younger dc to the point she can be quite oppressive and they are avoiding her.

I’ve been trying to get her out of the house as much as I can by inviting her out on walks with my friends but she can be quite hostile to me for example -

She was taking selfies of her self whilst we were out with friends. Fair enough. But they were posed pouty shots, coat hanging off one shoulder, pulling the fur from her hood up around under her jaw like we was on a modelling shoot. I took some pics but I quietly said ‘ok enough now it’s a bit embarrassing’. She said really loudly ‘No YOUR embarrassing and walked off. My friends didn’t know where to look. She came back stoney faced and refused to talk to me the rest of the afternoon which was really awkward.

I don’t know how to bridge the gap. I feel like I shouldn’t have to keep pacifying a 25 year old when she is so hostile to me all the time. She’s had a great life. I don’t feel like I deserve this shit. I feel like both of them are treating me like a dickhead when in reality I’ve done fucking everything for them both.

I know I sound horrible but I just feel done today.

[Spongebobs]

[quote Butterfly3105]@Spongebobs even now you sound like you’re making fun of your daughter, “Thank you I was absolutely cringing” “She was so embarrassing” imagine if she could see all this or knew what you were saying?
I’m not surprised she has an eating disorder If I’m honest[/quote]
If you want to read that I’m making fun out of her then that’s on you.

Are you actually saying I’ve given her an eating disorder?

[Spongebobs]

@sage46

I think that I would be embarrassed If my 25 year old behaved like a teenager in front of my friends. Does your daughter engage with you adult to adult at any time? Maybe when you are on your own with her?

Yes when we’re 1-1 and she has my full attention.

[Spongebobs]

@marshmallow95

'ok that's enough its embarrassing' hmm I would not like it if my mum said this to me, you're calling her out and if anything you are embarrassing her by saying that. It's unnecessary and would feel like an attack to be told you are 'embarrassing' someone.

I find it sad that after 25 years of being her mother, you aren't able to be there to support her and talk to her about her eating disorder. I saw you say in a previous comment that she started binging / purging at age 18 'to lose weight'. As someone who has recovered from a severe eating disorder, I would encourage you to look further into eating disorders - they are rarely just about weight.

From what you've written here, you don't seem like a very supportive or nice mother. I bet she is just as desperate to move out as you are.

I’m not sure if you’ve read all my posts. I’ve talked to her plenty of times about it. Twice I’ve asked her to go to counselling. She won’t engage any further as she thinks I’m over reacting.

[workshy44]

People are just being ridiculous now - are there no standards anymore? We are supposed to accept any behavior in the name of being "supportive"
She isn't a child, she is a 25 year old adult. I think the op was doing her a favor, I can't imagine going for a walk with someone and them performing an impromptu photo shoot, we are not talking about quick selfies here. Narcissism in the extreme ..

[ChronicallyCurious]

If your daughter has an eating disorder then she obviously has a lot of self confidence issues and calling her embarrassing whilst she’s taking selfie’s is mean and rude. So what if she was taking a lot of photos? This is what the majority of young people do now a days.

[Spongebobs]

@DishingOutDone

There is so much information available now about bulimia, FFS Freddie Flintoff made a documentary about it that was only shown on V a couple of weeks ago - so why do people still think that sufferers should just pull themselves together?! Its incredibly hard to get treatment for it - especially if you don't have anyone on your side supporting you. "Acting like a spoilt teenager"?

How can I support her when she won’t admit she has an issue. What more can I do? She is an adult and not under weight. The GP will not engage with an intervention.

[asprinklingofsugar]

Oh FFS YANBU. I don't understand a lot of these comments. Having a modelling shoot in public is embarrassing for a lot of people. Not to mention rude, as she's holding up the rest of the party from their walk. And then to not speak for the rest of the day is really childish. It doesn't sound like OP is unsupportive - she obviously has tried to get help for her daughter in the past, and has offered to pay a counsellor. You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. In addition, she is insulting and rude to OP at home too. She's also causing issues with her younger siblings which can't be much fun for them. Just from reading the post I can picture how tense the atmosphere must be at home.

[sage46]

Your daughter sounds like she is angry and stressed out. You (unsurprisingly !) sound the same. My daughter (31) always seems to 'regress' when she is unhappy , especially with me that's why I asked whether your daughter can engage as an adult with you when she wants to. I struggle with this myself , so I haven't any wisdom to impart but here is a hand hold and hope things get easier all round for you soon.

[Italiangreyhound]

Spongebobs it sounds very tough and I am sorry your younger children are avoiding their sister because of her behaviour. And sorry you are having such a hard time.

I have a child with mental health issues and it is so hard.

Can I just suggest you try and break these issues down into the different parts, and maybe there will a way ahead that can salvage the relationship with dd1.

At the moment it sounds like you just want STBEH out and DD1 out and you think your mental health will improve when this happens. It may do.

But I think if you can get some therapy to help you process all of this you may want to see if you can do things in stages. Perhaps if your STBEH moves out (I am assuming it is your home, am I right?)

Is he is not the father of any of the children?

Anyway, I just hope you can find a way forward. I do think your DD! really needs to see someone about the eating disorder. Maybe she has found the GP not sympathetic so could she try another GP or a therapist or someone else?

[WokesFromHome]

Your DD is not a teenager, she is 25 and is very immature. She needs help with her eating disorder but the way she acts is not what I would expect from a 25 year old. It is more like a 14 year old.

At 25 she should be well on her way to sorting out her life and her future.

[Justwingingmotherhood]

I am howling at the crouching down taking selfies part OP. Totally understand how embarrassing that would be, shes 25 enough is enough. And I completely understand about her having a great life, meaning nothing could of triggered her eating disorder. I'm 28 and although I dont succumb to the pressure of social media it is really hard, we see these beautiful girls stick thin and indeed in these positions you described your daughter doing. Maybe shes feeling the pressure to look a certain way for social media.

[Eviebeans]

I'm guessing you have coped with a lot prior to posting here. I feel for you - adult children don't realise how distressing it is for parents to see them harming themselves and the feeling of uselessness that can come with that.

[helloNCagain]

So she takes some photos on a walk in ways that you find embarrassing ... It's a positive sign for her self esteem, and I think that should matter more than embarrassment or your friend's perspectives if I'm honest.

[Eviebeans]

The fact is that there is little you can do until they want to do it.

[Chicchicchicchiclana]

Yanbu to wish that your DD would try and get help with her eating disorder and be more pleasant to live with. Yanbu at all.

[Spongebobs]

@Italiangreyhound

Spongebobs it sounds very tough and I am sorry your younger children are avoiding their sister because of her behaviour. And sorry you are having such a hard time.

I have a child with mental health issues and it is so hard.

Can I just suggest you try and break these issues down into the different parts, and maybe there will a way ahead that can salvage the relationship with dd1.

At the moment it sounds like you just want STBEH out and DD1 out and you think your mental health will improve when this happens. It may do.

But I think if you can get some therapy to help you process all of this you may want to see if you can do things in stages. Perhaps if your STBEH moves out (I am assuming it is your home, am I right?)

Is he is not the father of any of the children?

Anyway, I just hope you can find a way forward. I do think your DD! really needs to see someone about the eating disorder. Maybe she has found the GP not sympathetic so could she try another GP or a therapist or someone else?

Thank you.

I actually suggested to dd1 that when he moves out she can have his part of the house. It’s pretty much self contained. But she wants to go back to the city. I know I will feel so much better when dh moves out. Dd1 isn’t his bio child but my other dc are.

I’d love her to stay here with us but she has zero respect for me and that’s makes it difficult for us to be in a relaxing atmosphere. When she is in a good mood and tries to talk to the other dc they are wary of her or avoid speaking to her which causes her to get annoyed as she sees them being as being rude so they end up getting told off.

I caught her the other day staring her eight year old sister down, she did it till younger dd lowed her eyes and now she feels on edge when dd1 is speaking to her. I I honestly don’t know how to manage the situation as I feel it’s ridiculous.

[Eviebeans]

I have a feeling that the photo incident was not a thing in itself but was the final straw

[WokesFromHome]

Is there any way she can be encouraged off social media? Surely that is compounding the eating issue. If you are uploading shots of yourself and then your self esteem is reliant on the feedback then that is a bit of a vicious circle.

Your DD really needs to grow up, but I think she needs some help from a counsellor to do so. What is she going to do when she hits 30 and still acting like this?

[WokesFromHome]

A 25 year old woman staring down an 8-year old is bullying and I wouldn't have it.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Justwinging
You sound 28. “Just howling” is not appropriate about a 25 year, who has image issues and an eating disorder. She can’t just pull herself together because you think she should.

[Fairyliz]

Nothing to add to help op other than to say I know how you feel.
I have a Dd in her mid 20’s that thinks I should always be there to support her any time of the night or the day, irrespective of what’s going on in my life.
Despite having a lovely life there is always something wrong that I am supposed to fix .
I don’t know who or what is to blame but I am exhausted with it all.

[Wishihadanalgorithm]

OP, I think I understand your point of view. At 25 your daughter is an adult and needs to be being proactive in getting herself well. You can’t make her but then neither does she have to live under your roof.

Whilst she is staying with you, I think you need to explain her behaviour with her siblings is not on and she sorts it out or she moves back to the city earlier. They need you to stick up for them and she is, quite frankly, an adult whose needs do not trump theirs.

When is STEBH going to leave? That must also be making you feel terrible.

I have a lot of sympathy for you as it seems a very difficult situation..

[EL8888]

@workshy44 exactly! Having a “photo shoot” walking down the road is rather cringey. It’s probably better hearing it from your mother, rather than someone else. It also seems everyone wants to infantilise children forever

I think everyone is being rather harsh to the OP. I also have family members who are incredibly highly strung. It’s really draining! There’s only so much OP can do about her daughters mental health / eating disorder, if she won’t accept she has a problem

[Italiangreyhound]

"I I honestly don’t know how to manage the situation as I feel it’s ridiculous."

I know how you feel. My two are very difficult with each other. I try and divide and conquer! I speak to them separately and try and get them to see the others's side. Although your 25 year old glaring at your 8 year old sound awful. I'm wondering why, does the 25 year old resent the younger child/children?

I think if you catch that behaviour again I would call it out, "Stop staring at your sister. Come on let's get this table cleared as I've got some ice cream for dessert, " or whatever...

Has your older child had any help that has worked for eating disorder?

I really hope things will get better soon.

[movingonup20]

Eating disorders are exhausting to deal with, many here don't realise - I really understand (it's not eating at all in our case) I have had to send my dd to my dms on occasions because I was at my wits end trying to coax her to eat constantly (my amazing mum always get her out of the downward spiral ). As for h's make him make plans but don't rush the process as it can make things worse and build further long term problems. We took 5 months to actually live separately but all is actually good