I just want my dd and my STBEH to move out.

[Spongebobs]

I know I’m going to sound awful but I’m just emotionally drained. Dd1 is mid twenties. I just want to be left alone with my other two younger dc.

I called time on my marriage about six weeks ago because I realised DH took the piss out of my life so much. Lying, lazy unpredictable. The day after dd1 had to move back in.

I really struggled in Lock down and I think I’ve got mild depression. I’m also trying to set up my new business which involves a ridiculous amount of paper work. Kids are off school for two weeks - I’m frazzled.

Dd1 eating disorder has reared its head again which I think it’s due to her work issues. I’ve spoken to her about it but she denies there is an issue and will not see a councillor which I will pay for. So she is over eating then bringing it all back up then an hour later eating again and so on. She’s hiding it well but I know the signs well. She’s very highly strung and I cannot say anything to her that is not pro dd as she accused me of having a go at her or being patronising. She’s hostile with the younger dc to the point she can be quite oppressive and they are avoiding her.

I’ve been trying to get her out of the house as much as I can by inviting her out on walks with my friends but she can be quite hostile to me for example -

She was taking selfies of her self whilst we were out with friends. Fair enough. But they were posed pouty shots, coat hanging off one shoulder, pulling the fur from her hood up around under her jaw like we was on a modelling shoot. I took some pics but I quietly said ‘ok enough now it’s a bit embarrassing’. She said really loudly ‘No YOUR embarrassing and walked off. My friends didn’t know where to look. She came back stoney faced and refused to talk to me the rest of the afternoon which was really awkward.

I don’t know how to bridge the gap. I feel like I shouldn’t have to keep pacifying a 25 year old when she is so hostile to me all the time. She’s had a great life. I don’t feel like I deserve this shit. I feel like both of them are treating me like a dickhead when in reality I’ve done fucking everything for them both.

I know I sound horrible but I just feel done today.

[Spongebobs]

@Pringlemonster

I had bulimia for 30 years ,I would not discuss at all for years ,I did go to the gp ,and unless you are under weight there is no help.
Gp knew ,but just offed me Prozac ,which didn’t work.

Mine started due to my parents divorce..I’m not saying that is why your dd started ..my parents were abusive ,and I’m no contact with them now ,and haven’t had contact in 20 years .

Anyway ,there was nothing anyone could of done to help me ,untill I wanted to stop.
I had to get to the point of bringing up blood from my throat and nose before I stopped.
I read a good book ,called the bulimia help method
That and wanting to stop is how I managed to stop.
I have to say ,I have a degree ,and I struggled passing my driving test ,but stopping bulimia was way way harder .

Maybe she needs some space ,maybe let her go out with her own friends.
I have a daughter myself now ,who stills at home ,when she should of flown the nest a long time ago.
I do have to grit my teeth , a lot ,and we do get on each other’s nerves .
But you have not got long till November x

Thanks for sharing.

How did you stop the urge for binging if you don’t mind me asking? As we need to eat to live. How did you manage to control it?

Yes the GP really didn’t even want to discuss it with me.

She sees her friends most weekends then spends through the week in bed watching tv.

[bethany39]

"I could understand if she’d had any kind of terrible up bringing or trauma that’s what I meant",

"She won’t admit it’s no ok to bring your food up."

Please just keep in mind that her ED is a mental health problem. She's not doing it to piss you off or be ungrateful for the "great" upbringing you gave her. She probably doesn't fully understand why she's doing it herself.

I may be way off, but I had bulimia, poor mental health (anxiety etc) and my mum used to describe me as "highly strung", very sensitive to criticism etc. What I actually had was Aspergers that was only diagnosed when I was a bit older than your DD. Once I'd come to terms with and learnt to cope with that my MH got much better. Is there any chance there's something like that going on? EDs are very common in girls with ASD.

taniaannmarshall.wordpress.com/2013/03/26/moving-towards-a-female-profile-the-unique-characteristics-abilities-and-talents-of-asperwomen-adult-women-with-asperger-syndrome/

[helloNCagain]

@unmarkedbythat I guess I just think, while having to take photos of your daughter could be embarrassing, it's not necessarily the end of the world. If it's genuinely really embarrassing, there's always the capacity to not bring DD on a walk or try and have a "No Tech" walk with friends or something. Or honestly, just put up with it for the sake of her mental health, if I'm being truthful.

[helloNCagain]

** I just think her MH issues are always going to have negative / uncomfortable side effects, but if it's not actively harmful (as the photoshoot wasn't) then it's sometimes best to let people do what they need to do to get by - though obviously this isn't the case for the aggression with the younger kiddos.

[Spongebobs]

BloggersBlog I think it’s because she’s afraid of admitting it and it will ruin the image she has created of herself.

[Keeping2ChevronsApart]

Are any posters here in their 20s? If you are, would you demand to do a photoshoot and disrupt a walk with other people? Thought not.

[helloNCagain]

@Keeping2ChevronsApart Most twenty-something year olds aren't suffering with an eating disorder and a family divorce though ...

[Jojobar]

It's pretty telling that your DDs issues started around the time her younger siblings came alone. That must have been a traumatic time for her, being an only child for so long. I suspect she felt pushed out, her life changed massively and her relationship with food was the only thing she could control. Poor girl.

I do think as PP have said the way you talk to and about her isn't particularly kind. I'd never tell my DC I found them embarrassing, what a hurtful comment. Especially knowing your DDs MH issues. I had a friend who had been bulimic and then a compulsive eater, her mother would often make quite cutting comments to her about her appearance (short skirts were tarty, ditto anything other than minimal make up) and behaviour (she was too loud, embarrassing etc). It used to make me quite sad. Said friend was a difficult person but that didn't excuse her mother's actions.

[Butterfly3105]

@Jojobar couldn’t agree more with your comment!

@Spongebobs well like I suggested an intervention of sorts, tough love, I’d speak to eating disorder charity (lots have been suggested here), buy a few books to educate yourself and your DD on Bulimia, and take her to a specialist perhaps one on Harley street. Not to sound too negative but if left untreated it only gets worse and harder to treat.

[WhatamessIgotinto]

YANBU at all OP.

So many people on here seem to think you should pacify your DD at all times because she has an eating disorder. That is not in any way helpful to her. Believe me, I know.
It sounds to me like you told her the situation of her taking so many photos when you were just trying to enjoy a walk, rather than she was embarrassing, but as usual on here, people will twist what you say in order to make you feel shit. Happens all the time.

She clearly needs support and help for his disorder but this just won't happen unless she wants it herself.

[Lollee]

Just reading the first page of comments was enough for me. Disgusting how you all take the daughter's side. At 25 she is a supposedly mature adult and shouldn't be behaving like a diva and making her mother and siblings lives a misery. She sounds like an ingrate and I would be horrified if a fully mature female adult acted like that in front of my friends, it is terribly embarrassing behaviour. No wonder we are breeding a generation of snowflakes when everyone throws their hands up in horror at a mild reproof. I give up. So glad my boys thank me for not letting them get away with bad behaviour. They knew boundaries and are fantastic young men who would never treat me or I them with such disrespect.

[helloNCagain]

@Lollee I genuinely really hope your kids never have an eating disorder or mental health struggles, because you sound so unkind.

[Pringlemonster]

I haven’t
I still do
All I managed to stop was the throwing it all back up after .
The book says you have to eat what you want at each meal with out worrying about calories,so I did that for a year ,had a couple of slip ups along the way .
Maybe with some some parental help I might of stopped earlier ,I don’t know ,I was 13 when I started ,self harming with razor blades at the same time.
I got that I couldn’t stand the feeling of being full ,so even when I didn’t binge ,I was throwing up ,just toast ,or crisps or small lunch ,I’d panic and throw it up.constantly blocking the drains.
There’s ,Beat ,worth looking at ,I think that’s what it’s called ,I used to get emails

[TheQuietWoman]

Lollee eating disorders are a mental health issue. On top of this, OP's daughter has been vomiting up food, depriving herself and her brain of nutrients so it cannot be nourished and fully functioning. Her thinking is massively disordered. A lack of nutrients will also affect her mood and she will be largely unable to control this. I think OP needs to hang tight until November.

[grapewine]

[quote Butterfly3105]@Spongebobs even now you sound like you’re making fun of your daughter, “Thank you I was absolutely cringing” “She was so embarrassing” imagine if she could see all this or knew what you were saying?
I’m not surprised she has an eating disorder If I’m honest[/quote]
Agree with this.

The first time I caught her bringing food up she was 18 and trying to lose weight even though she was a size 10 I could understand if she’d had any kind of terrible up bringing or trauma that’s what I meant.

And this just shows that you don't understand how eating disorders work. I do think you're right though - you and your daughter are better off living apart.

[Spongebobs]

[quote Butterfly3105]@Jojobar couldn’t agree more with your comment!

@Spongebobs well like I suggested an intervention of sorts, tough love, I’d speak to eating disorder charity (lots have been suggested here), buy a few books to educate yourself and your DD on Bulimia, and take her to a specialist perhaps one on Harley street. Not to sound too negative but if left untreated it only gets worse and harder to treat.[/quote]
Intervention how? Tell me how your intervention would go? Where would I take her?

I’ve read many many articles on bulimia.

How can I take her to a specialist on Harley street when she won’t even go to a councillor in the north where we live. Shall I drag her in the car by her hair?

I bet it’s lovely butterflys world..

[Spongebobs]

@Jojobar

It's pretty telling that your DDs issues started around the time her younger siblings came alone. That must have been a traumatic time for her, being an only child for so long. I suspect she felt pushed out, her life changed massively and her relationship with food was the only thing she could control. Poor girl.

I do think as PP have said the way you talk to and about her isn't particularly kind. I'd never tell my DC I found them embarrassing, what a hurtful comment. Especially knowing your DDs MH issues. I had a friend who had been bulimic and then a compulsive eater, her mother would often make quite cutting comments to her about her appearance (short skirts were tarty, ditto anything other than minimal make up) and behaviour (she was too loud, embarrassing etc). It used to make me quite sad. Said friend was a difficult person but that didn't excuse her mother's actions.

You would never tell your adult child to stop doing something as you found it embarrassing?

Also why would having brothers and sisters be traumatic? She was a very active teenager at this point, working and a busy social life and boyfriend. The picture you have in your head really doesn’t exist sorry.

[carly2803]

Bloody hell some right judgmental ones on here tonight!

OP i suggest you get your exto get out the house sooner than later, and sorry to say - also your DD

shes 25, if she wants to move, let her - your house will be more peaceful

you are entitled to be happy and stressfree just like everyone else!

[showmethegin]

You have my sympathy OP. I don't have experience of eating disorders but I do have adult people in my family with severe mental health issues and as you be already pointed out it is impossible to get support for them when they are adults, even if they even want help. I'm sure you feel very helpless and frustrated.

[Jojobar]

Christ OP can you really not see how younger siblings suddenly coming on the scene would affect a teenager? The teen years are such an emotional time, going from being an only to 2 younger siblings coming along, your mum creating a whole new family just as you were approaching adulthood. Can't you see that would be quite a lot for a teenager to cope with?

Do you really think that because she was over 16, had a job and a boyfriend she was basically an adult and nothing you did would affect her?!

And to answer your question, no I wouldn't tell a child of mine I found them embarrassing. I have absolutely told them off when they're in the wrong, if they've damaged something at home, or whatever. But I wouldn't use those words, tbh I can't think of anything they've done I would find embarrassing. In the situation you describe i would probably have just said that'll do on the photos and let's catch the others up. I don't think I'd have found it embarrassing and even if I did, I wouldn't have felt it necessary to voice that feeling.

[Spongebobs]

@Jojobar

Christ OP can you really not see how younger siblings suddenly coming on the scene would affect a teenager? The teen years are such an emotional time, going from being an only to 2 younger siblings coming along, your mum creating a whole new family just as you were approaching adulthood. Can't you see that would be quite a lot for a teenager to cope with?

Do you really think that because she was over 16, had a job and a boyfriend she was basically an adult and nothing you did would affect her?!

And to answer your question, no I wouldn't tell a child of mine I found them embarrassing. I have absolutely told them off when they're in the wrong, if they've damaged something at home, or whatever. But I wouldn't use those words, tbh I can't think of anything they've done I would find embarrassing. In the situation you describe i would probably have just said that'll do on the photos and let's catch the others up. I don't think I'd have found it embarrassing and even if I did, I wouldn't have felt it necessary to voice that feeling.

My kids have done loads of embarrassing things.

[helloNCagain]

Kids can be embarrassing, but you don't say that to them. Kids can be annoying, stressful, disappointing etc etc (as obviously can adults) but you don't tell them this because it's a horrible thing to hear from a parent and affects their self esteem. I was definitely stressful and disappointing as a child, but being told that did me no favours - and hey, I had an eating disorder too if we're being honest.

But honestly I don't really see the embarrassment factor in taking photos on a walk though so maybe that clouds my judgement.

[Spongebobs]

@helloNCagain

Kids can be embarrassing, but you don't say that to them. Kids can be annoying, stressful, disappointing etc etc (as obviously can adults) but you don't tell them this because it's a horrible thing to hear from a parent and affects their self esteem. I was definitely stressful and disappointing as a child, but being told that did me no favours - and hey, I had an eating disorder too if we're being honest.

But honestly I don't really see the embarrassment factor in taking photos on a walk though so maybe that clouds my judgement.

Dd1 wasn’t stressful or disappointing as a child I’ve never said that. I’ve said up thread she was very easy going. She had lots of attention of us and her family. She was adored and spoiled, great care was taken by us all that she wasn’t emotionally damaged

I think what’s clouding your view is the way you were treated as a child and your assuming it’s the same scenario I’m sorry but it isn’t. So you can’t really pin dd1 eating issues on me treating her the same way your parents did you - because it didn’t happen. Or blaming her siblings coming along when she was getting ready to move in with her friend and was very busy. She wasn’t a small child struggling to find her place in her home.

[SunbathingDragon]

You sound very much in denial OP. If your DD does eventually seek help and sees a counsellor, be prepared for her to realise how detrimental your actions and thoughts were to her wellbeing and for that to affect your future relationship.

[corythatwas]

Just wondering- as the parent of another young adult dd with MH issues- if walks with your friends is really the best way of supporting her when she is having a bad turn. When dd is unwell, the effort of having to present a façade in front of relatives is enough to completely exhaust her.

I try to distinguish between dc being embarrassing because they behave badly and dc being embarrassing because of mental illness. Not always easy, and there is no doubt that illness puts a lot of strain on a family. But over the years I have got quite good at telling when dd's speech or behaviour show that she is having an episode. Worth thinking about anyway.