I just want my dd and my STBEH to move out.

[Spongebobs]

I know I’m going to sound awful but I’m just emotionally drained. Dd1 is mid twenties. I just want to be left alone with my other two younger dc.

I called time on my marriage about six weeks ago because I realised DH took the piss out of my life so much. Lying, lazy unpredictable. The day after dd1 had to move back in.

I really struggled in Lock down and I think I’ve got mild depression. I’m also trying to set up my new business which involves a ridiculous amount of paper work. Kids are off school for two weeks - I’m frazzled.

Dd1 eating disorder has reared its head again which I think it’s due to her work issues. I’ve spoken to her about it but she denies there is an issue and will not see a councillor which I will pay for. So she is over eating then bringing it all back up then an hour later eating again and so on. She’s hiding it well but I know the signs well. She’s very highly strung and I cannot say anything to her that is not pro dd as she accused me of having a go at her or being patronising. She’s hostile with the younger dc to the point she can be quite oppressive and they are avoiding her.

I’ve been trying to get her out of the house as much as I can by inviting her out on walks with my friends but she can be quite hostile to me for example -

She was taking selfies of her self whilst we were out with friends. Fair enough. But they were posed pouty shots, coat hanging off one shoulder, pulling the fur from her hood up around under her jaw like we was on a modelling shoot. I took some pics but I quietly said ‘ok enough now it’s a bit embarrassing’. She said really loudly ‘No YOUR embarrassing and walked off. My friends didn’t know where to look. She came back stoney faced and refused to talk to me the rest of the afternoon which was really awkward.

I don’t know how to bridge the gap. I feel like I shouldn’t have to keep pacifying a 25 year old when she is so hostile to me all the time. She’s had a great life. I don’t feel like I deserve this shit. I feel like both of them are treating me like a dickhead when in reality I’ve done fucking everything for them both.

I know I sound horrible but I just feel done today.

[helloNCagain]

@Codexdivinchi Nope, I'm not privy to any extra information. However, I think it's pretty common to have trauma you don't tell your parents about and denying any existence of that possibility (she's had a good life, been spoiled, no reason for her to be like this etc etc) doesn't seem especially empathetic.

I can understand OP is worn out which is justified, as living with people with any kind of MH difficulty can be strenuous and painful, I'm just aware that saying things along the line of her being spoiled doesn't seem conducive to her daughter improving her health and getting help for her eating disorder (which in the long run would help out OP as well).

[Codexdivinchi]

[quote helloNCagain]@Keeping2ChevronsApart

OP may not have all the information to say her daughter doesn't have trauma though.[/quote]
And neither do you. Or do you know something we don’t?

The OP started a thread as she sounds wiped out. She said she feels like she has depression and her marriage has just broke up, she’s struggling herself. Yet posters have tried to pull her to pieces and are insistent that her dd has been abused or OP herself has abused her and caused it and OP is making light of it or ignoring it. If posters can’t objectively comment on a thread with dragging their own demons on to it they should avoid similar threads. It’s unhelpful and unfair.

[helloNCagain]

@throwaway100000 Yep! And I think it's also important to mention that trauma and maturity are not the same thing. If she's traumatised by something it doesn't make her immature.

[throwaway100000]

Most twenty five year olds aren't still affected by their parents divorcing years ago. They're supposed to be mature enough to understand that relationships break down

Lol. I highly doubt you’ve interviewed “most 25 year olds”. Where have you got your silly statistics from exactly?

I’m 23, and my peers are generally my age (including 25). I can categorically state that divorce can still affect people my age. Think people staying in useless/unhappy relationships as to not have the stigma of divorce/not being able to “hold a man down” or to not have their children raised in a broken home etc. You don’t magically get over all your childhood issues at 25 darling.

[helloNCagain]

@Keeping2ChevronsApart

OP may not have all the information to say her daughter doesn't have trauma though.

[Keeping2ChevronsApart]

[quote PolPotNoodle]**@Keeping2ChevronsApart*
Most twenty five year olds aren't still affected by their parents divorcing years ago. They're supposed to be mature enough to understand that relationships break down. Plenty of people with eating disorders manage not to act like a teenager at 25. So many people rubbing their hands with glee once the divorce and half siblings were mentioned*

I'm 30 and I'm not even close to dealing with my childhood trauma. At times it has manifested in me being a difficult adult to be around. Emotional maturity doesn't arrive in the post on your 18th.[/quote]
OP has already said she hasn't suffered any trauma, so not quite the same

[AyeAyeShipAhoy]

[quote Butterfly3105]@AyeAyeShipAhoy take it you’ve never dealt with or known anyone close with an eating disorder? It’s a psychiatric problem not just meant for a GP (GPs know shit) there are specialists (and what do you think makes people have an epiphany about her bulimia?

If it were my daughter I’d send her to a specialist or make one come to the house, not sit on Mumsnet bitching about her whilst she’s chucking her guts up upstairs[/quote]
I have experience, yes, which I won't go into on here.

I know a parent cannot force any adult to comply with any health "interventions" if they do not want to engage. No psychiatrist would intervene against a patients wishes unless that person was an immediate danger to themselves to others. If your experience has been different, then perhaps explain to the OP how you managed to do it because I'm not quite sure how you would send an adult daughter to a specialist when she has previously refused to engage?

I think the best thing for the OP now is to seek professional guidance and help via the ED charities and also support for herself.

[Fcuk38]

Your door should always be open to your children unless they are physically or mentally violent to you. She has an eating disorder and you need to help her. Just being there will help her. How do you think this is going to pan out if she leaves home with no one to keep a watchful eye over her?

[unmarkedbythat]

If it were my daughter I’d send her to a specialist or make one come to the house, not sit on Mumsnet bitching about her whilst she’s chucking her guts up upstairs

Would you? How would you force your 25 year old adult daughter to go to a specialist? How would you get one to come to a house to see someone who didn't want to engage with them? So many replies to this thread are hopelessly unrealistic.

[Butterfly3105]

@AyeAyeShipAhoy take it you’ve never dealt with or known anyone close with an eating disorder? It’s a psychiatric problem not just meant for a GP (GPs know shit) there are specialists (and what do you think makes people have an epiphany about her bulimia?

If it were my daughter I’d send her to a specialist or make one come to the house, not sit on Mumsnet bitching about her whilst she’s chucking her guts up upstairs

[DishingOutDone]

I don't think OP is coming back but if she is serious about getting support to handle this as well as she possibly can for all their sakes, there is a great charity called Anorexia Bulimia Care who run a parents' helpline - they can give practical advice they don't just signpost, and you can sometimes speak to a parent in the same position who has come through the other side. Its for all ages, this is not just for parents of under 18s - some of the people who ring are parents of children in their 40s 50s etc - because an eating disorder is always there, under the surface.

www.anorexiabulimiacare.org.uk

[myusernamewastakenbyme]

I have a 17 year old daughter and as much as i love her i need time away from her or we clash....there is no way i would be inviting her along if i was with my friends.
She also would not want to hang around with me or my friends....and i think its not fair on your friends to bring your daughter....it changes the dynamic.

[AyeAyeShipAhoy]

[quote Butterfly3105]@AyeAyeShipAhoy

That’s why I suggested an intervention, show her how bad it is, the effects her behaviour is causing and the effects it will have on her future and health. Turning a blind eye to it and hoping she’ll sort herself out won’t do anything.[/quote]
The OP has repeatedly said that when she tries talking her DD refuses to engage, won't listen and instead gets verbally aggressive.

You cannot force someone to have treatment, we respect the individuals wishes to refuse treatment if they so desire, which is one reason the GP won't get involved.

Unless that person is a danger to themselves or others, and sectioning can be considered, all you can do is signpost to effective support when they are ready to accept help.

[LadyMinerva]

@lborgia

Eating disorders absolutely are one of the most serious health issues, not least because of the high mortality rate.

Your daughter needs serious psychiatric help. Not counselling, not a useful book or web link, proper psychiatric care.

Not just the eating disorder, the behaviour towards her siblings, the bizarre episode in the park, these are not nothing.

Also, you are being really linear about this.. just because you can't see why she's unwell, doesn't mean she isn't, or that she should just "grow up".

I know I'm being really unhelpful, because I cannot tell you how to get her the help she needs, I'm not in the UK, but there's a whole bundle of deeply disturbed stuff under there, and either you lean in, and keep trying to learn, and try and give her the support she needs (rather than the treatment you think she deserves), or you keep quiet, keep the youngsters out of her way, and go low contact once she's moved.

Oh, and I second the pp about neurodiversity. Again, just because she seemed ok before, doesn't mean she wasn't masking. It's incredibly common for the mask to slip after an incident (new siblings, leaving school, whatever).

This. Absolutely 100% this.

I've known people that have had what looks like and idyllic upbringing develop long term eating disorders and serious mental health issues. A number of them have taken their own lives.

I know there is a lot of pressure on you from all angles at the moment and the stress is unbearable but there is something wrong with your DD, something seriously wrong and you need to do more than suggest counselling and read a few articles. It's not going to be an easy path to take but it needs to be taken.

[AzraiL]

OP you're getting a hard time. Honestly if I had a mid 20's daughter squatting all over the place posing and demanding I take numerous photos of her when I wanted a much needed social catch up with my friends I'd lose my patience too.

And yes it is embarrassing.

Just grit your teeth few weeks more.

[lborgia]

Eating disorders absolutely are one of the most serious health issues, not least because of the high mortality rate.

Your daughter needs serious psychiatric help. Not counselling, not a useful book or web link, proper psychiatric care.

Not just the eating disorder, the behaviour towards her siblings, the bizarre episode in the park, these are not nothing.

Also, you are being really linear about this.. just because you can't see why she's unwell, doesn't mean she isn't, or that she should just "grow up".

I know I'm being really unhelpful, because I cannot tell you how to get her the help she needs, I'm not in the UK, but there's a whole bundle of deeply disturbed stuff under there, and either you lean in, and keep trying to learn, and try and give her the support she needs (rather than the treatment you think she deserves), or you keep quiet, keep the youngsters out of her way, and go low contact once she's moved.

Oh, and I second the pp about neurodiversity. Again, just because she seemed ok before, doesn't mean she wasn't masking. It's incredibly common for the mask to slip after an incident (new siblings, leaving school, whatever).

[PawPawNoodle]

@Keeping2ChevronsApart
Most twenty five year olds aren't still affected by their parents divorcing years ago. They're supposed to be mature enough to understand that relationships break down. Plenty of people with eating disorders manage not to act like a teenager at 25. So many people rubbing their hands with glee once the divorce and half siblings were mentioned

I'm 30 and I'm not even close to dealing with my childhood trauma. At times it has manifested in me being a difficult adult to be around. Emotional maturity doesn't arrive in the post on your 18th.

[Butterfly3105]

@AyeAyeShipAhoy

That’s why I suggested an intervention, show her how bad it is, the effects her behaviour is causing and the effects it will have on her future and health. Turning a blind eye to it and hoping she’ll sort herself out won’t do anything.

[Codexdivinchi]

They're wasted in their current job. They know everything about the OP and her family and what's going on in their minds without even meeting them

Christ I know. So far

The dd has
probably been sexually abused
Squeezed out of her home
Comes from abusive home
Traumatised from her parents splitting up when she was three.
Traumatised at 18 for having younger siblings
Abusive mother.

Fucking weird on here sometimes.

[AyeAyeShipAhoy]

@Butterfly3105 is anyone who’s mentally ill ever ready to face upto mental illness most often not, that’s why you need decent friends family and physicians

Any counsellor will tell you that the person who needs help needs to be engaged in the process. If they refuse to attend the sessions there isn't much that can be done - you certainly can't force them! You can of course encourage, but if they don't want the help, then you must respect that (unless a danger to themselves of others of course).

[Gladysthesphinx]

You’re a human being OP and exhausted and frustrated & pulled from all directions. You must be shattered.

I don’t think concealing this - pretending everything is fine - would be helpful to your daughter. Yes she has MH issues - but she needs to know other people are humans with feelings & that her behaviour can distress others.

I would be worried about the interactions with the younger children. The aggression, obviously. Bullying a younger sibling is wrong and she needs to be told this- allowing her to perpetuate abusive behaviour is not a kindness. Plus, is there any possibility that she is modelling disordered behaviour with food to her younger siblings?

Giving the presence of younger children, I would be offering her the chance to stay, but on the condition that she access appropriate help. I don’t think it is fair on them otherwise; they are entitled to feel comfortable in their hone.

It’s a very difficult situation & I hope you get some rest.

[gainfulbeehives]

She's hurting. You can be resentful if you'd like to be about the "good life" you gave her, but she's hurting.

Some of the things she does are bad things to do, but it's the same for you. You can seek support for the difficulties in relation to living with someone with a MH condition, but you can't blame that person for having it (which judging by your defensiveness you seem to be doing) honestly.

[Keeping2ChevronsApart]

@Codexdivinchi

OP don’t engage with arm chair phycologists. Plenty of people understand where your coming from.

Here’s to a better day tomorrow.

They're wasted in their current job. They know everything about the OP and her family and what's going on in their minds without even meeting them 😀

[Happylittlethoughts]

No you don't sound awful. You sound like you're emotionally burnt out and that's okay . Can't understand why people are giving you a hard time.
She's 25 and there's little you can do to help your daughter until she accepts help. No reason for her to have whole household tiptoeing around her.
Can she make plans?

[purplechairandcat]

Having rtft I would say that it likely stems from her dad being 'a bit crap'. My dad was 'a bit crap' and it launched me into teen years from hell, and an eating disorder. A parent not being present can cause real trauma.

And- it wouldn't have been easy to watch her much younger siblings receive some form of love and care from a father figure when it sounds like she didn't have that. I'm not saying her behaviour towards them is at all appropriate, but it adds up- you say it started at 18, she's 25 now.... so roughly when one of your children were 1?

You sound exhausted and I don't blame you. Having cared for people with mental illnesses in the past, it's exhausting. But it sounds like there's a root that you're not acknowledging, either through choice or because you honestly haven't seen it yet.

Try and carve out more 1:1 time with her. Sit down with her at a computer looking at counsellors together. Even phrase it as a counsellor being good for stress, temporarily, something like that. But it sounds like she really needs you right now.