Should I be “that parent” about Star of the Week?

[LittleRa]

I’m a teacher myself and it totally goes against my better judgement to comment/complain on inconsequential little things to do with the general running of clubs, groups and school etc. DD age 6 has been attending a dance/drama club on a Saturday for over a year now (started September 2019), and they award a Star of the Week each week. They make a big deal of it- singing the star of the week song at the end of the session, certificate handed out and photo taken and posted on their Facebook page. Each week she was so excited to see if she’d win Star of the Week but as time ticked on she became resigned to not winning and I’d pick her up and she’d say yes, she’d had a good time but no, she wasn’t Star of the Week again. Of course we talked about how you can’t win all the time and to be happy and clap hands for those that do win- she is honestly really lovely and isn’t bitter about it, just sort of resigned to it. She’s noticed children who’ve been Star of the Week more than once, and also a little girl from her class at school who joined the group one week and was Star of the Week the following week. As a teacher myself I keep a list of who has won different awards to ensure that each child gets a turn at some point through the year- not for arbitrary reasons but just to make sure everyone has a turn eventually. Since Covid the group have returned to smaller bubbles so she’s now in a a group of 15 so I felt sure she’d get it soon, but as we approach half term, still nothing. I’d say she definitely one of the quieter kids amongst the group, but joins in with everything, is a good singer, practices songs and moves at home, has been in the Christmas show and Spring fundraiser, has bought the group’s logo T-shirt to wear each week etc etc. As I say it’s really not my usual sort of thing to say anything about this but.... Any thoughts?!
PS I would probably do it by dropping the leader an apologetic email along the lines of “just checking...” rather than saying anything in person in front of DD or being funny about it (she has just emailed about fees for next half term so could reply to that).

Hi, @LittleRa, I'm in a similar predicament with my DD, but in relation to her school work. She really is trying she's yr 2 and attended all the face to face keyworker sessions throughout the first wave.
But increasingly I have noticed that a small batch of the same kids appear to be getting the star of the week. She hasn't had an award of any kind for over a year, I'm just a bit gutted, she keeps saying 'mummy I'm one away from winning star of the week' I just feel she needs a boost. I want to add I haven't mentioned this to her, but she jas mentioned it to me several times and it just seems to have given up a bit. I made her an award for being so good for me and trying her hardest with the at home school work whilst I was at work. I'm beginning to feel that unless I get involved with the PTA there's and start sucking up myself. She'll never get one. I was hoping with a new teacher this might change but we're heading for half term and I think she's out of luck. I determined not to be that parent, but I'm getting close.

Star if the week is earned. Not every child earns that accolade. If every child gets it whats the point.

This isn't the Tokyo olympics. The point of the club is to get childen healthy and hopefully develop a love of dance. It might be the organisers just haven't given it much thought and the quieter children are getting overlooked. No harm in politely flagging it up.

*she 🙈

I came to say don’t do it in front of the children but I think you handled perfectly well.

DD used to do a sports club after school in which the coaches would give an effort award, so every term each coach would pick a child. A new coach started and picked DD for the second time (she had first won 2 years before, coach didn’t know), one of the mums questioned it in front of the children . Coach handled it better than I would have I think, and said “actually it was toss up between DD and your DS”, opened her bag and got another trophy out and gave to the boy. I was beyond embarrassed even though it wasn’t my fault DD had been picked again, wish the other mum had at least waited until there was no else there.

Jeeeezus, you're obviously a Primary teacher!!

Keeping a list and making sure all kids get an award across the year completely devalues the purpose of awards.

THIS is why every time my kid gets one I wonder if it's just his turn or if he has been being a dick and has been a bit less of a dick that week.

Give awards to kids who deserve awards, FFS.

@WINDOLENE

Star if the week is earned. Not every child earns that accolade. If every child gets it whats the point.

cut the nonsense. Being kind, enthusiastic, working hard, helping a friend... if you cannot find a reason to congratulate a 6 year old once in a year for a little something, I would seriously question the teaching skills abilities.

@Mischance I see part of being a teacher as being able to recognise “what’s a doddle” for some and “what’s a huge achievement” for others, and celebrate achievement accordingly, and the encourage the other children to celebrate each other’s success even if not comparable to their own. For example this week in class we celebrated a boy moving reading colour bands from one colour to the next- I have plenty of other children already on that colour or higher but it was a huge achievement for him and I would’ve had words for any of the children making any comments such as “he’s only on X colour?! Well I’m already on X colour!” All of that is a learning experience too- not academic, but social. I love looking around my class when I give a certificate out and seeing the others genuinely smiling, clapping and congratulating their peers, it’s something I really value in my class.

Yes, be that parent. I’m sick of quiet, shy children being overlooked for these awards, while the very confident kids get noticed and rewarded. I honestly think it’s because they appeal to the fragile egos of the teachers.

@GlassInEachHand

Sportsperson of the Week- for wonderful movements to tell the story of the Gunpowder Plot through dance Now that I would have loved to see, OP - sounds brilliant! (Misses point of original post, but still...)

I suppose that’s a bit outing if his Mum is on here ha ha. It’s been a really cute topic, and a nice contrast to our other weekly PE lesson which is athletics.

Keeping a list and making sure all kids get an award across the year completely devalues the purpose of awards.

so you believe that a child will never do enough to deserve an award through an entire year? Really? Not even ONCE?

There are term or yearly awards for children who deserve it. Not everyone will, and that's fine. Some children are at the top in academia, sports or both. Others are not.

But not find a reason to praise a child one week in the entire year? There would be something very wrong with a teacher who can't manage that.

I would definitely say something.

I completely lost the plot last year (not something I’d normally do). I’m convinced one of my DDs teacher had issues with her. She’s the type of child who try’s to please everyone and really puts her heart into everything she dose, she gets excited when others do well but couldn’t understand why she never got the head teachers award, something each class teacher selects a pupil for each week. Anyway I never said anything and thought she’d eventually get it. I finally lost it after the whole school did several homework assignments that went on display for the school. My DD who was 5 at the time worked so hard, filled her entire homework book, made an amazing giant, interactive fully functioning model that covered several themes within the homework options. Of course she got help, all the kids did but the work was hers. Anyway fast forward to the last day of term and she comes home all deflated, dosnt say anything. As I’m going through the school bags I find a certificate for my 7yoDD who won an award for her homework, homework I might add she half arsed and only did after being screamed at numerous times by me & DH. Normally she wouldn’t care about showing an award off or her sisters feelings but she truly felt she didn’t deserve it as much as her sister and that’s why she didn’t tell us she got it. My 5yo DD was so upset. It wasn’t just a few children that got certificates, over half the kids got them.

I was fuming, I took pictures of the displays and we were able to look through all the homework books. I wouldn’t want to take away from the children who won but my DDs work was far better than some who got an award. Anyway after several days I emailed the head, there was no clear transparency on why some children won and others didn’t, surprisingly the children who won in my DDs class were the same children who won the headteacher award each week, I made it very clear non of my DDs would be doing any more homework again and they havnt.

I tell all my kids they won’t be good at everything, and they are genuinely happy to see their friends do well but I won’t stand by and see them be passed over when I know they deserve better.

NB I know other parents who made similar complaints when their children were in that class. I’ve already seen a difference this year with the new teacher being far more transparent and open when awarding children in her class.

we celebrated a boy moving reading colour bands from one colour to the next- I have plenty of other children already on that colour or higher but it was a huge achievement for him and I would’ve had words for any of the children making any comments such as “he’s only on X colour?! Well I’m already on X colour!”

Absolutely fine (up to parents to reward their own children anyway)

AS LONG AS the hard working, quieter children don't get overlooked by the less hard working or more disruptive child who gets a reward for doing ONCE what others make efforts to do ALL THE TIME.

I am all for giving a boost to everyone, but I couldn't disagree more with rewarding the disruptive elements and forgetting about the ones doing well constantly, because sadly it happens all too often. In some classes, it's gone the wrong way round, instead of praising the top of the class, it's all about the other side. Wrong too.

Yes, I would. Actually I wouldn’t have myself because I was too shy when my kids were little but it’s the sort of thing I wish I had been brave enough to do.

cut the nonsense. Being kind, enthusiastic, working hard, helping a friend... if you cannot find a reason to congratulate a 6 year old once in a year for a little something, I would seriously question the teaching skills abilities.

Absofuckinlutely. If a child has gone through an entire year in your classroom and has not achieved anything, you, as a teacher, have failed. And the schools behaviour and reward policy doesn’t work either.

I've decided to start telling her that you only get star of the week or a headteachers award if your in the right click, your on the PTA or your mum works at the school. I'm going to tell her that those children won't go on to achieve anything real or substantial in their lives, so they need a boost now.
That she'll get recognised when she's older, and she's got a few qualifications. It is starting to really grind on me that it may be the top school in East cambs, but its not the fairest.

My daughter never ever got the good behaviour award. This was despite trying to be the most helpful, staying in at breaktime and sorting and sharpening all the colouring pencils etc. She told me she was going to behave badly all week and then improve and then she might be noticed for the behavior award. Didn't work.

I'd love to see star awards banned. They caused so many upsets, disgruntlement and cynicism when my dcs were primary age. I don't think teachers can ever get this right - either the high achieving, best behaved kids get too many awards, or kids realise that teachers are going through the list so that everyone gets a chance (and what exactly is the point of that?), or there's perceived unfairness when say a kid who generally behaves badly gets an award for behaving well one week, when lots of kids are behaving well every week but get overlooked. I can't see any fair way of doing it, or that the benefits outweigh all the negative feelings it also causes.

So glad I don't work at one of those places that has "employee of the month"

@GlassInEachHand

Sportsperson of the Week- for wonderful movements to tell the story of the Gunpowder Plot through dance Now that I would have loved to see, OP - sounds brilliant! (Misses point of original post, but still...)

I was going to say this too. I would love to see this

Had similar situation with my 5 year old son's football group, I did send a very apologetic text, exactly as you said, not wanting to be that parent... and I got no reply at all! I don't know what to do now, don't really want to follow it up, or ask directly, but still had no player of the week. He wants it so much, and is so enthusiastic, alreasy twigged If he gets it this week he can keep the trophy for half term. Lots of them seem to get it on their first or second week, but he never did

Kids football teams are absolutely the worst for this. I wish to god I had never allowed my sons to join teams. My 8 year old was made to stand on the the touchline for a whole match in the pouring rain and didn't even get 5 minutes on the pitch. When I raised it with the manager he told me it was because he had missed one practice. I had no car that week and would have had to walk him with a baby and toddler 3 miles each way in the dark and rain along unlit roads with no footpath. I was told no practice no game. Of course his son and his friends sons could miss as many games as they want and still play. My second DS begged to join a team and finally we agreed There were slightly fewer issues because he was a very good player and the team needed him. But player of the week always went to the manager's son or his friends sons. If I had a third son he would never have joined a football team they are all run by delusional men who think they are Jose Mourinho and their sons are David Beckham. They destroyed my sons' love of the game.
I just hope my DS and DDIL send DGS to rugby instead.

@LittleRa

Blimey, not only is it so horribly mean on your DD, presumably you’re also paying for this!

Worth mentioning it, not just for your daughter. If a child is winning it many times and then goes through a period without it, they may not be used to disappointment and their reaction may affect others. Your daughter is coping, but would others, and would some parents be far more difficult and unreasonable than you are?

I don’t teach or run clubs but have a 3 year old and if I started some kind of star of the week I’d make sure all kids got one at some point, just common sense so yes definitely talk to the instructor about it.

I hate these sort of awards for this very reason. There's always a quiet child somewhere who gets forgotten. Worst of all though, our school does a "child of the year" award and I can't for the life of me work out what it's supposed to achieve, all it does is tell 29 other children that they weren't good enough.

Anyway, bless your poor dd I'd definitely email and mention it to them, you don't have to go in all guns blazing, a gentle nudge will probably do the trick as it sounds like she gets overlooked a bit.

Yes, do drop an email about it. I'm a teacher too & was one of the quieter ones in school as well & I think I received it once in primary school! I definitely got it more than once though at ks3 in the subject I now teach 😁 & was just lovely to have the recognition. Last year I had a head of house who kept overriding the kids I picked for prizes, either giving it to the same girl constantly (great kid but her mother was over involved with pushing the child towards certain school initiatives that she knew she'd be recognised for) or to a boy who spent form time on his phone. I actually didn't know he was getting a star & the looks on the others' faces when his name was called out in assembly were cringeworthy. It was like penny just dropped with them, that it didn't matter if you followed all the rules and so on, if you were loud, you'd always come out on top. As bad as it was to undermine another member of staff, I told the ones who asked that the star, supposedly awarded by me, wasn't from me at all. They were 13 though & old enough to realise life isn't fair & that hard work will serve them better in the long run. For a primary school child it must be gutting so yes, please do say something!!

Please do it and please update the thread when she gets it! Fingers crossed for your lovely DD!