What truth will you (sadly) take to your grave?

[Iwonder777]

Mine is my rape ☹️ hurts me still. Though you'd never know to look at me.

I've accepted it is my truth that I'll take to the grave. No proof. Too many years have passed....

[quote flapjackfairy]@GabsAlot
It's rubbish isn't it ? Sorry you have been scarred as well.
I actually tried to voice my feelings a few times as a teenager but even so much as a hint of how I felt and my mum would go into attack mode saying I was selfish and ungrateful because my dad had worked so hard to give us such a great life and the reason we had such a nice house was down to his sacrifices etc etc so then I would feel guilty and shut up.
The thing is I didn't want a bigger house in a better area. I just wanted stability and to keep the same friends .
I really think they have no clue how it affected me and my siblings tbh and I have no doubt that they thought they were doing the best for us but if I am honest I feel we were sacrificed in some ways for my father's career which was v important to him ( nothing wrong with that of course ) and my mother basked in the middle class respect that afforded the family.
I made peace with this a long time ago now and have no anger or bitterness left but I have never spoken of it to my parents in any real sense and as they got older there seemed no point in hurting them over it .[/quote]
me too-i didnt care about things being bought for me up to a certain point fine when it came to move yet again the material things just didnt matter

@GabsAlot I kinda understand where you come from my parents moved me 2 Scotland at the end of year 9 and I left school with no gcse's or stranded grades as they call them up here family and friends said I could stay and do my exams but they said no so I had to learn 3 years work in a year and do exams on top of it all I wasn't very clever but that just made it worse and now I'm a mum of 4 with no good job and try to tell my kids try work hard at school...

I will have to do a name change for this one myself but I'm so sorry for what haunts you all.

If you want help visit your local Healthy Minds Mental Health Team for trauma focused therapy. If the perpetrator abused you when you were a child, unless they are now dead or otherwise incapacitated it may be they are abusing other children now (most children are abused by male relatives sadly) but you can discuss this in therapy if you want to explore it further without involving the Police.

OP can you ask to put a trigger warning in the title
Please? Reading about rape is very triggering for some especially as wasn’t expecting to see it.

I hope you all find peace with your past trauma.

Between 9 and 11 my 21 year old step sister used to creep in to my room and try to have sex with me, eventually it worked. I’m Male FYI.
I could never tell anyone because it would destroy my mother.

That I feel jealous and angry that my narc Mum picked my sister to favour over me. I hated my sister growing up. Literally felt like if she had never been born I would've been favoured by default. Instead, I was the weird, not bright enough, not pretty, social outcast kid and she was clever and pretty and mum made it very clear she saw me as a huge embarrassment. Even when she would introduce us, she would say "oh this is (sister) she is doing X, Y, Z". Then "oh and this is Millie". Her whole tone would change.
Even now, at near 40, with 2 children of my own, and knowing that my mum is a narc, nasty, manipulative old witch, I still can't help wishing it was me she liked and not my sister. And it's a dreadful awful thing to think. I'm still jealous of it now. I don't speak to either of them and haven't for over 20 years.
I will never feel quite good enough because of it. And I'm ashamed that it still pisses me off.
But if anyone asks me I would never own up. Not once. I put across that I don't care and I don't miss them and I don't care that she is still besties with my sister that she is worse off cos she has to put up with her. But it does hurt and I do wish roles were reversed. And I think that makes me a terrible person.

I smoked one and off throughout my first pregnancy. I would be heartbroken if DS ever found out.

My childhood was outwardly fine but.....family members jailed. Money issues. Close relative is a convicted sex offender (convicted when I was an adult but always the family weirdo). So much unspoken tension. Parents were loving but never told me they loved me. Always felt pressure to be perfect to relieve their stresses and for approval.

I'm hugely insecure. I feel like a total fraud every day. I'm not even sure who I am any more it's like I'm putting on an act like I do when I'm teaching.

I think I probably need help.

@MillieVanilla
You are not an awful person at all. Just a human one.
You deserved better from your mother. Sorry you didn't get it but don't hold onto any self hatred because of how you feel. It isn't justified x

Secrets2020 I'm in the South East and have broad shoulders and am a good hugger. Pm me if you need a cry.

Well aware that I now sound like a total weirdo . My secret is that my Dad looked for every fault he could find in me, I couldn't do right for doing wrong, result is I panic if someone tells me off. Nothing like all the brave pp to whom I send

Sexually abused by my so called cunt of a father, no contact and will jump joy when he dies. Hope it's a slow painful lonely death.

It haunts me everyday and has ruined my life. People think I have an anger problem although a lot calmer now, probably because the wine keeps it at bay. But my blood is boiling inside as he ruined my entire life, I am so sad at what my life could of been and how internally happy and calm I my have been.

I do have a good job, my own house, a wonderful child, single and dont care for a relationship but I have a rage inside me.

So sorry for everyone else in similar circumstances.

This is an important thread. I guess many of us need counselling, me too. Anonymous confession or something. I flirted back to an older married employer as a teenager ( yes he should not have abused his position of power).Then when I was in a position of power, yes I did the same to someone who needed me. I have forgiven myself but the memories still .... Hugs

I made out with my one of my best friends now husband when we were 20 and we've never told her. He hadn't met her at the time, but because I'm such good friends with both of them, 17 years later it would just be weird to tell her now.

I’ve got something that I’ll have to take to the grave otherwise it will end a very important relationship to me. I made a decision for the greater good or so I thought but I don’t think the said person would look at it like that. I’m trying to block it out

Same! I wish I didn’t know. I’m almost certain my mother will confess on her death bed and proceed to chunk me under the bus on her way out

That when I was a child my Mum used to drink in my bedroom at night to hide it from my father. I remember so many nights waking up to her snoring in the other bed, glass in hand,bottle next to her. I also remember her falling on top of my bed when drunk in the dark.
I will never tell her or anyone else all these memories. I have a good relationship with her. But I have major issues around people snoring/ noise at night/being woken.
My husband snores and wakes me and I can never being myself to express to him how it makes me feel- I revert right back to being that little girl again.

I have a secret about something horrendous I’ve done. I often feel panicky at the thought of blurting it out if I developed dementia etc. It’s why I won’t touch a drop of alcohol too.

Mine feels trivial in comparison to some of the heart wrenching accounts I’ve read but I was badly bullied in secondary school which led to depression and anxiety which were never properly diagnosed. I used to pretend I was ill every day to get out of going as I couldn’t cope but my parents just thought I was just trying to play truant and used to shout at me every morning (I couldn’t tell them the truth). It got so bad eventually that I stopped going and left with hardly any GCSE’s. I still get sad now when I hear people talking about their happy school days and feel like I missed out a lot.

Mine is that Dp had an affair 10 years ago.
I found out the night before dd was taking her exams.

My heart goes out to all of you. What awful stories . Really heart rending.

I know that a now retired elite athlete who I knew took PEDs throughout their career and didn’t get caught. They now do so much good in the community that I couldn’t ever tell anyone - it would ruin them and undo every bit of good they have done since retiring.

I will never fully open up about how I have been treated by my mums family. I was bullied a lot by them behind my mums back. My sister, cousins, uncle, 2nd cousins. Especially my aunty, my mums sister. They controlled my mum. My aunty even put words into mums mouth to say to me which I wouldn't even dream of saying to my own children. My mum has unfortunately died now at the start of this year. I can't wait until I don't need to communicate with them again. I miss my mum and I never told her the truth about what things were said to me. My aunty even told me my mum doesn't love me and that she doesn't want me when my mum was dying. I didn't want to hurt my mum when she was dying by telling her. I believe in life after death so I hope my mum can see the truth now. Sounds petty. I don't want to give out too much information, but I've had it my whole life and it really hurts especially when I was a child.

What horrible people namechange.

Your mum DOES know, and they'll get their comeuppance.

From the age 6-10 me and my sister preformed sexual acts on each other. I can't really say why or where we got the idea, but I have a blank 6 months of memory when I was 4/5, and often wonder if we were recreating something that happened during this time.

I have clear and detailed memories from before and after this time, but when I try to think about it I get and overwhelming sense of fear. I've also had flashes of memory or passed emotions, that have been terrifying but not really explainable, but I've never been brave enough to really try to remember or find out what happened.

My lovely husband will never know just how horrible my father was to be growing up. He knows some parts now that I've gone NC but really has no idea how extremely horrible he was and how it's affected me.

I was told daily that I was lazy. Slovenly and horrible despite doing most of the cooking and cleaning in the home from a very young age. Neither of my parents in the early years turned up for a sports day or school play, I used to daily turn up at school with no bag and the wrong books. I was bullied at school because of it and my father did nothing when I told him. There was violence in the later years and harsher verbal abuse but strangely that's not the part that makes me sad. It's the little girl that I now recognise as utterly neglected.

I'm even more ashamed to say that after years of listening to the narc routine from my father (I raised you single handed, I worked my fingers to the bone to keep a roof over my head, I was a single parent) I only closed the door fully this year after he made every effort to upstage me on my wedding day. I'm frustrated with myself that I invited him in the first place as he is a big shadow on my memories of an amazing day.