Page 4 | What truth will you (sadly) take to your grave?

Iwonder777 · 2020-10-13T20:45:44+00:00

Mine is my rape ☹️ hurts me still. Though you'd never know to look at me. I've accepted it is my truth that I'll take to the grave. No proof. Too many years have passed....

Secrets2020 · 14/10/2020 00:39

@Schmoozer I'm in the very south east. I'd really love to talk to somebody about it. I've called a few anonymous lines but my trauma is too much for a 10 minute phone call. I work full time for an
employee-focused company who have plenty of resources for stuff like this.

The truth is, I just want a cuddle. I'm so tense. I just want to cry and be comforted. It's the little things. I'm so used to helping my family. I don't have want the same help back. I just need a sturdy shoulder x

NorthernBirdAtHeart · 14/10/2020 00:59

That I was sexually abused, three times, by three separate men before the age of 8.

Marmalade414 · 14/10/2020 01:04

I had an abortion at 18 to make everyone happy but me. It broke my heart. The support wasn't there before, during it afterwards. I don't talk about it to Anyone now that I meet. It's a dark secret. But sometimes I think about the fact that child would be 12 now. I feel so guilty that I stopped them living.

iwishididntknow · 14/10/2020 01:47

@Marmalade414

I had an abortion at 18 to make everyone happy but me. It broke my heart. The support wasn't there before, during it afterwards. I don't talk about it to Anyone now that I meet. It's a dark secret. But sometimes I think about the fact that child would be 12 now. I feel so guilty that I stopped them living.

Please forgive yourself. I know that had to be such a decision to make, but you can let your guilt go. 18 is so young. You were just a baby. Forgive yourself and let it go.

iwishididntknow · 14/10/2020 01:51

Sorry.

SUCH a difficult decision to make.

Charlieeee76 · 14/10/2020 02:02

@Puffalicious

My best friend steals things from shops all the time. Just little things or the odd bit of food when supermarket shopping. I think it's because she can get away with it: middle class, a teacher, very respectable, always buys other things from the shops so is at the till purchasing etc, but sometimes with a stolen item in her reusable bag.

I think it's to with control but also her husband left 2 years ago and I wonder if things are tighter than she would say.

I witnessed it twice when she didn't know I'd seen. I can't raise it I just can't.

I would ask my friend. It’s not that it would bother me as such. I wouldn’t want my friend to get a criminal record or is she struggling for money and maybe you don’t know?

Lifeisforalimitedperiodonly · 14/10/2020 02:04

@Secrets2020 the sexual abuse and violence counselling service for Shropshire is www.axiscounselling.org.uk/
They will help you find someone in your area. They are brilliant. They are a charity and offer a lot of services. Make that first move. Good luck.

Tilpop · 14/10/2020 02:26

I was raped when I was 17 I'm now 39 and just had my first child....
After he finished he pissed all over me... if what he did wasn't bad enough.... he humiliated me by urinating on me

iwishididntknow · 14/10/2020 02:43

@Tilpop

I was raped when I was 17 I'm now 39 and just had my first child.... After he finished he pissed all over me... if what he did wasn't bad enough.... he humiliated me by urinating on me

How awful for you. I'm so sorry this happened to you. So horribly cruel of him.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/10/2020 02:45

Three of my cousins have a half-sibling, the product of their dad's affair. My mum mentioned it about 15 years ago thinking she'd already told me. When I reacted with shock and tried to find out more she clammed up and would say nothing and swore me to secrecy. Apparently she was the only one in the family who knew.

Their dad's dead, my mum now has advanced dementia. I know no more than that a now-grown child exists. I'm not going to dump that in their laps at this point.

flapjackfairy · 14/10/2020 03:09

Mine is tame in comparison to some of these heart breaking stories but my family moved around as a lot as a child due to my father getting promoted.
I hated building a life for myself only to have it destroyed every couple of years by moving to goodness knows where . Each move involved me losing all my friends , my school and home and obviously anything familiar to me.
It had a devastating effect on me and resulted in life long issues mainly manifesting in eating disorders when younger and a lifelong huge fear of change.
Outwardly I showed no signs of any of this and to this day my mother regularly prides herself on how well my dad ( now dead ) did for himself and comments that she dragged her children up and down the country and it never did them any harm as they had such a stable home life . She has the ability to convince herself that our childhoods were idyllic and they were perfect parents.( To be fair they were good parents in many ways but they made some fundamental errors looking back.)

But what would be gained by me telling her the truth ? It would only cause hurt and achieve nothing so I have kept it all inside my whole life.
It is sad really because if you can't be real to your own parents what is the point?

iwishididntknow · 14/10/2020 03:29

@flapjackfairy. Please don't compare your hurt with others on this thread. I hope that I don't offend others here when I say that Hurt is hurt in my opinion.

It's not a contest. You were hurt in a way that had implications into your adult life. And that sucks.

I'm sorry that you can't be honest with your mother.

flapjackfairy · 14/10/2020 03:32

@iwishididntknow
Thank you. X

Girlzroolz · 14/10/2020 03:48

Too many to mention. My family has so many skeletons in closets, I’m surprised they can hang a solitary coat in there.

My mother recently went through all the family photos from the late 60’s-90’s and curated a box for each sibling. She was very offended when two of us didn’t gush and thank her. My brother handed it straight back, wrapping intact.

Much as she’d like to believe all the secrets and lies were to protect us and give us a smoother path to societal success, it just makes us look back in horror.

Charlieeee76 · 14/10/2020 05:17

@flapjackfairy

Mine is tame in comparison to some of these heart breaking stories but my family moved around as a lot as a child due to my father getting promoted. I hated building a life for myself only to have it destroyed every couple of years by moving to goodness knows where . Each move involved me losing all my friends , my school and home and obviously anything familiar to me. It had a devastating effect on me and resulted in life long issues mainly manifesting in eating disorders when younger and a lifelong huge fear of change. Outwardly I showed no signs of any of this and to this day my mother regularly prides herself on how well my dad ( now dead ) did for himself and comments that she dragged her children up and down the country and it never did them any harm as they had such a stable home life . She has the ability to convince herself that our childhoods were idyllic and they were perfect parents.( To be fair they were good parents in many ways but they made some fundamental errors looking back.) But what would be gained by me telling her the truth ? It would only cause hurt and achieve nothing so I have kept it all inside my whole life. It is sad really because if you can't be real to your own parents what is the point?

That’s sad. Next time your mum mentions it perhaps say to her that actually you would of like to of maintained the friendships you made as a child.

trappedsincesundaymorn · 14/10/2020 05:19

That the man I call dad isn't my father. I found out by accident 30 years ago and neither my mum (who is now dead), and my "dad" don't / didn't know I know. I have no idead who my father is, although I have a suspicion it's my dad's cousin, and I have no desire to find out.

itsovernowthen · 14/10/2020 05:39

That I was bullied horrifically for a year when I was 8 years old.

We had moved house from London to Liverpool for my parents to try out a business venture, so they kept our old house on just in case.

They put all of us in private schools, which they couldn't afford, and I was bullied every single day I was there, and had no friends, while my brother was the most popular boy in school.

I wept tears of joy when they said we were moving back to London, which they interpreted as sadness. Over 30 years later, I remember that year as the worst of my life.

maddiemookins16mum · 14/10/2020 05:46

My brother abused me from 8-13 in a cupboard under the stairs and tied me up with his dressing gown belt. I am two years younger than him, he was 10 when it started.

GabsAlot · 14/10/2020 12:49

@flapjackfairy

Mine is tame in comparison to some of these heart breaking stories but my family moved around as a lot as a child due to my father getting promoted. I hated building a life for myself only to have it destroyed every couple of years by moving to goodness knows where . Each move involved me losing all my friends , my school and home and obviously anything familiar to me. It had a devastating effect on me and resulted in life long issues mainly manifesting in eating disorders when younger and a lifelong huge fear of change. Outwardly I showed no signs of any of this and to this day my mother regularly prides herself on how well my dad ( now dead ) did for himself and comments that she dragged her children up and down the country and it never did them any harm as they had such a stable home life . She has the ability to convince herself that our childhoods were idyllic and they were perfect parents.( To be fair they were good parents in many ways but they made some fundamental errors looking back.) But what would be gained by me telling her the truth ? It would only cause hurt and achieve nothing so I have kept it all inside my whole life. It is sad really because if you can't be real to your own parents what is the point?

im in a smiliar situation or was except they know about my life long anxiety

doesnt think it had anything to do with uprooting all the time apprently i wa spoilt so thats ok

flapjackfairy · 14/10/2020 17:08

@GabsAlot
It's rubbish isn't it ? Sorry you have been scarred as well.
I actually tried to voice my feelings a few times as a teenager but even so much as a hint of how I felt and my mum would go into attack mode saying I was selfish and ungrateful because my dad had worked so hard to give us such a great life and the reason we had such a nice house was down to his sacrifices etc etc so then I would feel guilty and shut up.
The thing is I didn't want a bigger house in a better area. I just wanted stability and to keep the same friends .
I really think they have no clue how it affected me and my siblings tbh and I have no doubt that they thought they were doing the best for us but if I am honest I feel we were sacrificed in some ways for my father's career which was v important to him ( nothing wrong with that of course ) and my mother basked in the middle class respect that afforded the family.
I made peace with this a long time ago now and have no anger or bitterness left but I have never spoken of it to my parents in any real sense and as they got older there seemed no point in hurting them over it .

cinnamongirl1 · 14/10/2020 18:13

Rape. Several occasions. Termination. being passed around groups of men for sex. I don't know for sure but think money may have changed hands (none came to me). Ridiculous though it sounds, I was just looking for someone to like or love me after being raped and my friends all turning on me.

cinnamongirl1 · 14/10/2020 18:16

What I will never, never tell a soul out loud is that the most violent rape, where he beat me black and blue, the bastard sat on top of me, pinning me down, laughing and farting loudly. I feel absolutely sick about it even now.

something2say · 14/10/2020 18:44

Cinnamongirl1 my word what an unspeakable bastard!!!

And secret2020, may I urge you to find someone to talk to about it? I myself have helped people with this sort of thing for years. Lovely anonymous women who can ring up any day and book an appointment, then just come in and offload.

I get what you're saying, that you're there for everyone, but who is there for YOU??? Please, carve out a way to release the pressure. You don't deserve to have to be this alone with it. What you went through matters.

For anyone reading this who was similarly treated, there are women like us just at the end of the phone for you. Talking helps, at last being able to vocalise it. See also Purple Dragon Mother: healing from child abuse, which is a great book as a resource.

Original poster

Iwonder777 · 14/10/2020 18:45

Have read this whole thread since starting it. Thank you so much for sharing your stories. So many wounded warriors - like me then. and peace to you all. Xx

OP posts:

Hedge01 · 14/10/2020 18:59

I have relatively recently found out I'm the result of a paedophile raping my mother, and him being my uncle. It answers so many questions, but the lies.
I'm coming through a breakdown and if anyone can help with routine I have a thread in chat.
So sorry for all those going through some terrible times, with such crosses to bear