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Original poster

If you had a big, expensive wedding...?

127 replies

LeanishMachine · 10/10/2020 10:36

When?

Are you still together?

Would you do it again? Or differently?

I had what my parents considered "proper". White dress, church, car, flowers, sit down meal for 100 people. TBH I wasn't particularly interested in the wedding and they organised and paid for most of it, in 1992 (I did choose the dress!). It was different times and whilst mine might have been extreme, I think parents did have far more involvement in weddings as the norm.

Which was fine at the time, I don't feel I missed out on anything and we're still together, getting married was always more important to me than the wedding day.

If I did it again (I hope I never need to!), it would be a handful of people and a picnic, not because I regret it but I just don't see what's gained by spending the money and expensive weddings seem to cause so much angst.

OP posts:
Kseniya · 12/10/2020 19:49

@ShinyGreenElephant

We had a tiny wedding nearly 3 years ago, just us, the kids and 4-5 guests each, which was perfect for us. We came close to splitting recently and are living apart but on the right track to fixing things. My best friend had an unbelievable wedding - 55k between them, her parents and credit cards. They split up 8 months later. I already thought it was a shocking waste of money (as maid of honour I kept that opinion to myself!) but the fact they didn't even last a year makes it even worse.
oh. this is terribly insulting in every sense
weeweddingwoman · 12/10/2020 19:55

@IndiaMay it’s not either or though. We’re having a small wedding and it’s arrive at 11am, get ready with bridesmaids and MOB, ceremony at 2, canapés after then dinner, and three different types of entertainment, sleep over and breakfast the next day. It’s going to be an amazing day and night and not just ceremony then meal then home. There are in betweens is what I’m trying to say.

If you want loads of people you need to have that though. I personally didn’t and the people still going ahead with their weddings now with smaller number are probably the ones who have just got sick of postponing and on hindsight they loved it. If you’re not feeling that way don’t do it xx

CeeceeBloomingdale · 12/10/2020 19:58

2005, about £10k including honeymoon, 50 guests. We paid ourselves and therefore didn't need to indulge parent demands. If I was doing it again I'd actually change very little.

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Weddings
JanewaysBun · 12/10/2020 20:00

@Indiamay that's so shit for you. Imo I would go ahead with a smaller group, realistically we don't know when this corona crap will end and you could end up waiting a really long time.Flowers

remainin · 12/10/2020 20:02

I did. Or we did, but it ended after 12 years. Horrible person, v abusive but I do have two wonderful DC to show for all of the pain and trouble.

We were given a beautiful wedding in Switzerland. CoE church wedding ceremony, elegant sit down dinner/dance with live music and champagne flowing in a luxury hotel overlooking Lake Geneva. I loved my wedding day and treasure the memory of it.

Pollaidh · 12/10/2020 20:05

Big, expensive wedding. 150 guests in a historic city centre venue. 3 days of events. Wasn't my choice, I'd have been happier with something much smaller and simpler, but DH's family were keen for cultural reasons and happy to pay a large part of the bill.

It was a lovely day. Really enjoyed it. And we're happily married 11 years later. I absolutely wouldn't have gone for it if the ILs weren't generously throwing money at it and easily able to afford it though, 1 day isn't worth clearing out your savings, or going into debt.

Pollaidh · 12/10/2020 20:07

I'd like to add that I've been to many big society weddings, but some of my favourites have actually been small, low key ones, usually quite original.

MrsBobDylan · 12/10/2020 20:14

We had the wedding day my parents wanted us to have. I had an abusive childhood so I just did what I was told.

However, I did a fucking awesome job of choosing the groom and the 14 years of marriage have been the best of my life.

If I did it again I'd just get hitched at a registry office with no guests.

weegiemum · 12/10/2020 20:15

1994, my dad paid for almost all of it, it was 100 day guests and around 50 more for the ceilidh in the evening. I don't know how much it cost - I paid for my own and bridesmaids dresses, and we bought our own rings.

Still together, 25 years later. I'd do it differently now, but that's partly cos I'm so tired all the time!

MrsBobDylan · 12/10/2020 20:17

I would also strongly urge my dc to ditch the idea of the big white wedding. They have all told me in no uncertain terms that they are not marrying or giving me grandchildren though so it may not be an issue 😂

Echobelly · 12/10/2020 20:25

2007, cost about £25k, 180 guests.

Our parents paid for the biggests costs (my parents for venue and catering, ILs for flowers, music, groom's suit and transport) and we for the rest including my outfit and my first night in the hotel - I'll admit I had no idea until I joined wedding forums that most people pay for their own weddings these days. I hadn't thought much about it but I think maybe it's just something I expected as I'm Jewish and it's still mostly paid for by parents.

Still together, no regrets, but then we didn't pay for most of it! Glad to share with wider friends and family and, yes, our parents' friends because again, that's something we grew up expecting at a wedding. The main cost was catering for that many people - there was nothing extra-fancy about it; it was at a barn in Gloucestershire.

DH had a very strong desire for a country wedding, but nothing 'fancy' like a castle or country house, so I suggested a barn. I might rather had had a London wedding (where we live) but I decided that seeing as he had much stronger feelings about a country wedding than I did about a London one it seemed churlish not to go along with his idea and though this all meant it was a faff to organise, it was worth it in the end.

caringcarer · 12/10/2020 20:43

I got married in a castle 120 guest to a sit down carvery meal in a medieval bankquetting hall. Expensive dress, veil and giarra and a horse drawn carriage to the castle. 3 bridesmaids and a page boy. Married in 2005 and still happily married
I would do it again in a heartbeat.

sensiblesometimes · 12/10/2020 21:04

white dress marquee in parents garden , live band , expensive caterers, my parents controlled it , guests said it was a great and they really enjoyed .
we hated it , we found it stressful , very disappointing tough start to our marriage, one week honeymoon only as we were skint :-( after the wedding ( we are still married 17 yrs )
wouldn't do it again ( but I would marry him)
only advice I would give is that however you decide to marry, ensure you and your partner stay in the driving seat, from beginning ( planning) to end of the day.
dont let it be controlled by others desires and wishes. These events can snowball out of control

Joooks · 12/10/2020 21:48

Married in 2015. Church ceremony, pub reception with beige buffet. No free bar, but LOTS of prosecco (and sherry for the olds) provided. £350 dress of dreams. Vintage double decker to take guests to said pub. Best day ever for less than 3000. Wouldn't have wanted it any other way Smile

Redyoyo · 12/10/2020 22:12

We got married 2008 still together. We had a big wedding 120 day time guests another 250 at night, spent £30k including 3 weeks in the Maldives was a fantastic day but i regret spending all that money, it would have been a deposit on a much bigger house.

thirstythirsty · 12/10/2020 22:24

Interesting to read all these! We get married next year will either be 30 or 15 people depending on what Boris says! We won't be spending any more than 5k but really don't want to go over 3.

Delatron · 12/10/2020 22:27

We spent about £35k in 2014. Still together. 100ish people. Wasn’t particularly fancy but it was in London. A ‘shell’ of a venue which meant we had to hire everything in. We spent lots on food and had a free bar. Also paid for family to stay at hotels. Had band and DJ it all added up. But I would do exactly the same again (I wouldn’t invite kids though, that was a headache!). We just wanted to have a massive party with our friends and family and for everyone to have a great time. Rather that it be big and flashy (which it wasn’t). We didn’t get in to debt and had the most fabulous day.

IndiaMay · 13/10/2020 07:44

@weeweddingwoman how are you managing to do that though if you dont mind me asking? I wouldnt be able to have my bridesmaids there. 13 people would be our parents and siblings and thats it.

Are you allowed a sleepover etc.? What about the rule of 6? It specifically says I guidance you're allowed a ceremony with 15 in attendance including bride and groom and then a socially distanced meal after in a covid secure menu. No dancing except the bride and grooms first dance. We certainly wouldnt be allowed to all go back to ours for a sleepover with more than 6.

weeweddingwoman · 13/10/2020 07:50

Our numbers are under 13.
We are all sleeping over yes. Whether or not it’s breaking the rules I don’t know but I don’t see the venue breaking them tbh they’ve been quite hot on it.

Pumpertrumper · 13/10/2020 07:50

We did. Early 2019. Still together and on to our second pregnancy.

It’s wasn’t huge, stately home, fancy flowers 70 people, white dress, sit down meal. Honestly we loved it and would do the same again. It was well within our budget and our family never get excuses for big parties so everyone had a fabulous time (or so we are told).

We didn’t go crazy planning, just chose good vendors and trusted them. Came together well on the day.

Came out with no debt, a marriage certificate and amazing memories.

BikeRunSki · 13/10/2020 07:56

My sister did. They were together for 22 years, but have now separated with a view to divorce. We were much more low key, still together after 20 years.

IndiaMay · 13/10/2020 07:57

@janewaysBun do you think? I'm just worried everytime we attend a wedding in future we will regret ours having been so shit. Plus everything has been paid for as it was cancelled just weeks before. I'm not sure we would be able to get that money back. We probably wouldn't use the stuff we have paid for as 15 people having a party in a village hall is pretty sad. And music isn't allowed etc. So the DJ would have to be cancelled. Theres a minimum spend at the bar we hired wouldnt ever meet

IndiaMay · 13/10/2020 08:00

@weeweddingwoman oh I see. We wouldn't be able to have anyone other than parents and siblings with our large family. We dont have a venue with hotel rooms or anything so would have to leave by 10 after the meal. I dont really know what else we can do after the meal as dancing is banned. We did have a photo booth booked but that might be a bit sad for 13 people. I'd really like my dad to walk me down the aisle too but that's banned Sad

CherryPavlova · 13/10/2020 08:02

Big but not expensive. We did most of the work and cut corners. Lovely day, huge fun. Still together and next year will be our pearl anniversary.

Planning a big wedding for our daughter but who knows what will happen by next year. It’s already been deferred once.

ilovebagpuss · 13/10/2020 08:02

Yes had a big wedding not massive prob 80 guests but we made sure it was lovely day. Partly what our parents wanted partly what we wanted a good compromise.
I hate being the centre of attention so it was quite stressful plus I couldn’t really relax from wedding planner mode.
If I hade total free reign it would be similar but half the people just nearest and dearest not friends of MIL etc.
Still together still have great memories of the day and honeymoon. 17 years ago.