I don't know where to put this but DH is sick and we are in bits. *MNHQ edit to ask posters to read update before posting*

[PandaBearBear]

It has been such a shit year. DH has been so sick, numerous times I've been told he probably wouldn't make it then he seemed to make magic happen and got so much better. Now things have gone downhill really quickly and he is back in ICU on a ventilator and I am having to have the same conversations with doctors that I didn't think I would have to have again.

We have 2 DC, who are 8 and 2. I am a mess but trying to put a brave face on for them. 2yo obviously doesn't grasp exactly what is happening - just that daddy is in hospital again. 8yo is anxious and sad, much clingier but trying to be brave.

I just want to stay in bed until this is over.

How do I help my children through this? And how do I get through this?

He may well recover, I have seen him make bigger miracles happen than this. He also may not. Either way all 4 of us are still so traumatised by this year that this is a huge blow.

Just looking for some advice or even just for someone to tell me a nice thing thats happening in the world.

Sending so much love and good thoughts to your little family, @PandaBearBear. Keep right on swearing shouting - you have every reason to. This is a safe place, so let it all out here.

Big, broad shoulder offered if you need a good lean. Also a cuddle. Nothing make me feel better than a cuddle - even a virtual one.

So sorry your DP is so ill.
Must be incredibly hard for you all.
Life can really throw curveballs.

God, you poor things. Is there not a family liaison or a specialist nurse, or a Macmillan centre at the hospital who can help you find some kind of support group? Several friends and relatives have had excellent help from Macmillan over the years.

You might also find some useful, practical books at the following links:

www.mariecurie.org.uk/help/support/bereaved-family-friends/supporting-grieving-child/books-about-death

and

www.allinahealth.org/health-conditions-and-treatments/grief-resources/suggested-books/books-for-grieving-children#funerals

There's also an American site which has some suggestions on how to talk to and help children of different ages when someone in the family is seriously ill - healthblog.uofmhealth.org/childrens-health/what-kids-of-different-ages-understand-about-cancer

And I know it's a cliche, but just try to take one day at a time, an hour at a time even. People have suggested some lovely things to help the children (and you) get through the day - art, cookery [okay, maybe the two year old can help "weigh flour" or something?!], walks, nice music to listen to and sing along with, nice stories. Wishing you all the strength you need to get through this.

@PandaBearBear
A lovely person I knew was ''in extremis'' {MND}..His family kindly allowed me to say a quiet 'goodbye' to him.

Next week, he was sitting up in bed. Miraculously he had somehow rallied.

Goodness knows how. There were no interventions.

It can be astounding what people can endure and 'bounce back' from.

{ok, he was still severely ill, but rallied} ...

Sending you love and prayers for your DH and you all.

That sounds so, so hard. I’m so sorry. It is brutally, horribly unfair. You are right to vent.
Sending love.

Bless you. . Sending love and well wishes for your dp. On a more practical side, surestart have volunteers, who will families with young children a couple hours every week. But that isn’t possible right now. Maybe they have something else?

Just to clarify that those weblinks I shared have resources about illness and coping mechanisms on there not only bereavement. [Flowers]

Sending my thoughts and good wishes to you all. You are doing amazing - make sure you ask for all the help you need so you can be as strong as want to be at this incredibly challenging time. You are showing your DH what incredible love you have for him for every brave face you put on. Make sure though you allow it to break into a supportive shoulder whenever you needed. Praying for the very best for you all x

@PandaBearBear so sorry to hear what you’re going through, I think a cancer support group would be really good for you you will be surrounded by people going through exactly what you are and it will help you cope xx

so sorry to read this, life is not fair

Praying for you all xx

I am so sorry OP to hear how tough things are for you right now.
Off load to anybody and everybody , share it. Use us here , friends, family or the Samaritans. No judgement here.
I can not possible imagine what you are going through 😟.

Gosh, you're both so young to be going through this. But hopefully his youth is in his favour.

My best to you all. When I was going through similar, I used to get irritated when people told me to "stay strong". I was torn between thinking a) it's easy for you to say and b) of course, I don't have any **ing choice!
Though what I actually did was accept that they meant well and the best most of us can come up with us something trite in these situations. But I'm sure you'll hang in there as we all do, and find little bits of joy in your children.

I’m so, so sorry OP. The Samaritans are great, another resource you may not have thought of is the hospital chaplaincy. You don’t need to be religious at all to access them (my Dad is a retired hospital chaplain and he quite often worked with atheists/agnostics/everyone) but they’re very experienced in supporting extremely ill people and their families. I’ve no idea how Covid has affected how they work but there will be an on-call chaplain at any given time if you or your DH want to talk to someone.

Fingers crossed he rallies , it is a terrible thing whenever , but covid has made this so much harder for you xx

I'm so terribly sorry to read your story Panda. Life is very cruel and I wish your DH all the luck in the world to pull through this. I can't add anything to the advice already here but wanted you to know that I will be thinking of you

@saraclara

Gosh, you're both so young to be going through this. But hopefully his youth is in his favour.

My best to you all. When I was going through similar, I used to get irritated when people told me to "stay strong". I was torn between thinking a) it's easy for you to say and b) of course, I don't have any **ing choice!
Though what I actually did was accept that they meant well and the best most of us can come up with us something trite in these situations. But I'm sure you'll hang in there as we all do, and find little bits of joy in your children.

You are so right. I am trying very hard to not be angry with the wrong people (although there isn't a right person to be angry with - I'm just angry). I know people mean well and there isn't really anything anyone can say to make this better.

The first time he was sick I hated everyone in the hospital who was getting better or visiting people who were getting better. It sounds horrendous now and I wouldn't admit it in real life, but the doctors had told us he was their sickest patient and it felt so unfair that all these other people were getting to go home.

This time I think I'm more numb than anything.

It sounds like a relentlessly awful year, and I'm sorry you are going through this. Everything we can say will sound trite, but things will eventually get easier again. You are strong but you have no other option. Do you ever get the chance to not be the strong one? Even for a few hours? Can someone have the children so you can have a duvet day?

The hospital chaplain sounds like a good idea for support. We are all thinking of you here too and hoping things improve.
For something nice, it’s family chocolate night in my house tonight. Every Friday, everyone takes turns in choosing a family block of Cadbury’s and we share it out. Maybe something simple you could try?

Hope the kids live the pizza making

Oops love not live

A hand hold from me too. I understand the anger. My DP has been unwell through lockdown and his care has been poorly managed and I am angry at everyone from the GP to the hospitals treating him, I am also angry at COVID. My DP has pancreatic cancer and the future for him looks bleak and I am raging at all the wrong things and people. It is incredibly human to feel that anger though and I know that many people in our shoes feel that way at sometime (I used to work in a children's hospice and had the same conversations with many parents). I will be willing your DH to have some good luck and to recover swiftly.

Sorry to come back to such an old post but I havent been able to face mumsnet recently.

DH passed away on 11/11

I am still in bits and my children are coping but also broken.

I'm so grateful that I had these kind messages through the time he was sick.

I’m so sorry OP

I'm so very sorry for your loss.