I don't know where to put this but DH is sick and we are in bits. *MNHQ edit to ask posters to read update before posting*

[PandaBearBear]

It has been such a shit year. DH has been so sick, numerous times I've been told he probably wouldn't make it then he seemed to make magic happen and got so much better. Now things have gone downhill really quickly and he is back in ICU on a ventilator and I am having to have the same conversations with doctors that I didn't think I would have to have again.

We have 2 DC, who are 8 and 2. I am a mess but trying to put a brave face on for them. 2yo obviously doesn't grasp exactly what is happening - just that daddy is in hospital again. 8yo is anxious and sad, much clingier but trying to be brave.

I just want to stay in bed until this is over.

How do I help my children through this? And how do I get through this?

He may well recover, I have seen him make bigger miracles happen than this. He also may not. Either way all 4 of us are still so traumatised by this year that this is a huge blow.

Just looking for some advice or even just for someone to tell me a nice thing thats happening in the world.

Practical offerings OP.

Coats on, getting outside when possible.
Be aware of physical tension in your body... I found my face hurt as I was clenching my jaw so much. Try release it... singing? Facial massage?

Colouring as a family group with soothing music, possibly not music you would usually listen to.
Sometimes local hospices have good support for children.

I had completely forgotten about the samaritans. I rang them once at the start of the year and it really was great to offload to someone who didn't know me or any of us. (What a selfless thing they do with their time).

I am going to ask my mum to pick up pizza making bits tomorrow. 8yo absolutely loves cooking and 2yo has just started showing interest (mostly for mixing).

Some of these things seem so obvious now that you have recommended them I've just been so blind sided by this whole thing I can't remember how to function.

He is only 31. We have so much left to do together. I really really need him to be okay.

forgot to say thank you for every single message. It is comforting to be acknowledged.

Sending you

Praying for you all x

It’s just shit. I am so sorry you are all going through such a horrendous time. Handhold from me

I am so very sorry your DH is so very ill when you all thought he was over the worst of it. Life is so unfair sometimes. You have your Mum. She must be a huge support to you. Giving you the priceless gift of time with your DH. Make the most of your hospital visits. Try to keep strong for DH and your kids.

I know how hard it is as 2 years ago my dh was diagnosed with a brain tumour and he was loosing his sight as it was growing around optic nerve. He had brain surgery in March. He seems better but we are still working for MRI scan and eye test to show all clear.

I hope your DH gets well again.

Sending thoughts and prayers op. Take care

This is terrible. I’m just so sorry

I really hope he recovers well and is home with you all soon xxxx

This is so terrible, and no one would blame you for taking to your bed.

However, your little ones need you now and I know you will rise to the challenge.

My dear friend died a few years ago, before she died she made many happy memories with her kids with the aid of a charity. I cannot remember which one it was but I think it was related to the local hospice where my friend stayed.

In your shoes I would see if there are any charities or organisations that can help your children to cope, and any that can help you.

I'm so so sorry you're going through this. Truly hope DH is back at home with you soon. You and your family sound so lovely. xxx

Oh, OP, that sounds so traumatic. Lean on people as much as you can - they'll want you to.

This article is possibly helpful for you.

www.everettclinic.com/blog/helping-children-cope-when-parent-sick

Some of the things it mentions are:

"Help younger children verbalize their fears and anxieties."

"Ask for help. In the case of a longer or more serious illness, parents may want to ask for the help of other family members and friends. Children depend on their parents and may find it frightening when their parents are unable to be there for them. Relatives and friends can help to pick up some of the slack, which is useful for both parents and children."

"Be honest. This, in extreme circumstances, can take a great deal of courage. While children may not always be able to process the information they are given, they will appreciate that they have been told the truth."

Because your situation is changing and it may be hard to know what the future holds so your older child may be very confused, as are you too perhaps. Everything is very difficult.

Totally second this comment, "Maybe it would help to plan some simple activities to give all of you something to focus on? Nothing major but for example making pizzas or planning a film night, whatever simple things they might enjoy."

When someone is very ill, it may feel like nothing is fun or can be fun. I do think it is important to find some simple pleasures and make some memories if you can. For example looking at some photos and writing Daddy a poem or a letter or if he is well enough to eat, some chocolates made at home. Then you take the letter/poem/chocolates with you to the hospital.

If you can get in touch with a charity that works with bereaved kids they may have some advice for worst case scenario. But I do hope and pray that all will work out well.

If any of my suggestions are not good, please, please ignore them.

My DH has advanced cancer and currently in and out of hospital. Our local hospice are organising support for DS and me. ((Hugs)) x

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/life_limiting_illness/3942076-Still-the-storm

There's this ongoing thread op, you may find it helpful. Lots of support and helpful advice over there.

There's a hand to hold here 🤝

Know that I am thinking of you and your family and hoping for the best with you.

I'm so sorry to hear this OP. Sending you big hugs. Take care of yourself and please accept any offers of help which come your way. Thinking of you all.

Oh darling, I’m sorry you are dealing with this. It’s rubbish, but doing arty stuff with my kids has always worked to distract us from life! I have an 8yo DD a 2yo DD, they LOVE those magic marker colouring in books (half price in Sainsbury’s now) it can buy me some down time watching them colour. Also the wee tea sets that they can paint, you can buy in Tesco - £6 and honestly hours of mindless play. They’ll love it and you might feel some catharsis from it too. Thinking of you.

wishing you and your family all the best.
Thinking if you.

I'm so sorry. I have no idea how you're feeling but didn't want to not say anything.
Take care as best you can. Make sure you have support as caring for two children through such an emotional time must be so hard.

life can be so unfair and cruel sometimes.

Sometimes when your stressed I freeze up. Like I'm just frozen doing nothing. If you can set time aside to go for a really brisk walk, even just 15 minutes down the road and back and get the fresh and air and all your senses firing up. Then you can swear with each step and stomp the anger out.

It can feel like too much effort, until you get going. I find it helps clear my head and I'm more able to function after. But it's also ok to feel however you need to feel. Dont bottle anything up. No feelings are wrong or bad

Do you have a local hospice? My DBIL has MND and although he is not at end of life yet they have been a fanastic support to my DSIL and DN who was only 7 when her dad was diagnosed. My DSIL says she doesnt know where she would be without them. Your GP should be able to refer you. Big un mumsnetty hugs to you all.

Love and solidarity panda. Keeping you and yours close to my heart xx