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WWYD - DH reluctant to change sports plans for DS birthday.

145 replies

Fizbosshoes · 03/10/2020 11:17

For background DH is self employed, and usually plays sport twice a week after work, but if not playing sport is otherwise quite late home, so he doesnt see much of DC once he gets home (sometimes DS has already gone to bed)
DH sometimes says he feels sad about this but since he is able to finish early for sports, I think he sometimes prioritises that over spending time with DC. (Hes never able to come home early for parents evenings etc)

Next week is DS 10th birthday. DH said he had doubled booked himself and agreed to his regular sports match on that day. I asked if he was playing 2 matches (sometimes he offers to be a reserve for a different team) and he said no his normal group had changed what day they play and he hadnt noted it was DS birthday. (Fair enough)

Today I asked if he had cancelled and he said "I'm only playing 7-8.30" ....but he had apparently cancelled an earlier session.
He asked DS if he was ok to have his birthday dinner at 8.30pm. Except it wouldnt be 8.30 because that's the time he finishes playing.
I dont want DS to wait til nearly 9pm to eat dinner, and he will have school the next day. DS is really easy going and undemanding but I think it's not on to ask him to wait to eat that late, or to not spend time as a family because DH chose to be out.
I've asked DH to cancel but hes pretty reluctant.i think it's selfish to prioritise his hobby over DS birthday. (We once went to a school event on DS birthday which I felt really shit about, but it was a one evening only secondary school open eve which we had no control over)

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TapingTheTop40 · 03/10/2020 11:25

Yeah I would tell my DH to stop being a knob at be there for his son on his birthday.
That’s sad that he prioritises his game over his sons special day.

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Iggly · 03/10/2020 11:27

Your DS is probably easy going because he’s used to it, not because he isn’t bothered.

Your DH is selfish! He hasn’t made the effort to prioritise.

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FinallyHere · 03/10/2020 11:44

And as for asking a ten year old if it's OK to postpone birthday dinner til 20:30 ( and not factoring in travelling time) that's really not OK.

The fact that the child expects nothing else breaks my heart. They, and you, deserve better.

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Wearywithteens · 03/10/2020 11:50

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Neighneigh · 03/10/2020 11:52

Missing one match will be forgotten. Missing your son's 10th birthday won't be. Sorry but I'd go postal at that

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AnneLovesGilbert · 03/10/2020 11:54

That’s really bad. Even if he does the right thing and cancels you and DS both know where he’d rather be and where his priorities lie. How sad to be married to someone who is so disengaged from his family.

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OldEvilOwl · 03/10/2020 11:55

He needs to cancel the sport. Poor DS

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Fizbosshoes · 03/10/2020 11:56

@Wearywithteens

What an utterly selfish prick you are married to. You have the birthday celebrations regardless - do what your ds wants - eat at a reasonable time and your selfish prick of a husband can just ‘pop in’ when it suits him 🙄.

Then after it’s over I’d have a long hard think about what kind of a future you want from this.

sadly we have done this before (me and kids went out for DDs birthday, one year without him) but it offends me in a time when everything is a bit shit and uncertain, that he can't put it off for one week. Also DS especially finds things loads more special when Dads there, as me and the kids do things together more often.
I'm going to tell him I will text the mate that arranges their group and ask to find someone else.
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AnneLovesGilbert · 03/10/2020 11:59

What? Why would you do that?

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HappyDinosaur · 03/10/2020 12:01

That's dreadful, he needs to start being a better father. I'd be having a lovely celebration without him. What's the point of being married to him if he's not really part of the family? I feel bad for your children having to be second to sports all the time.

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wavecatcher · 03/10/2020 12:02

I think he just gets away with it time and time again so doesn't feel the need to prioritise. You really should express on DS behalf it's not ok, and that he knows it's not ok for future special events.

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AintNobodyHereButUsChickens · 03/10/2020 12:02

What a selfish knobhead. My husband works nights, he leaves home at 5.30pm and if his work night lands on either mine, his or the childrens birthday he books it off so he can spend it at home instead of missing out! If mine prioritised a game over the childrens birthdays I would go nuclear at him!

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CommunistLegoBloc · 03/10/2020 12:09

Why are you fixing the problem?

I don't say this lightly, but if he's got form for this kind of selfishness I would be considering my options. I couldn't let my children's lives be shaped by that kind of selfishness. It will create huge problems for their self esteem and mental health going forward.

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Roowig2020 · 03/10/2020 12:09

When my dc's birthday has been mid week I always arrange dinner for the weekend before or after, so that we can relax more and not have to rush home for bedtime. We would then just have a nice cake etc at home on actual birthday.

However, if me and dc were set on doing it on actual birthday then my dh would've definitely cancelled the game or I would've expected him to. He wouldn't want to miss out.

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LindaEllen · 03/10/2020 12:17

Sorry but I think it's wrong that he doesn't want to spend his son's birthday with him.

I understand the thing about being in a team and not letting them down (I do something similar myself) but at the same time, family should NEVER come second to that.

He needs to phone whoever is in charge of his team, apologise, and say that he's messed his days up and won't be able to play because it's his son's birthday.

If his team have a problem with that, he needs to find a new one.

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Aquamarine1029 · 03/10/2020 12:20

Why are you married to such a selfish arsehole?

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Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 03/10/2020 12:22

10th birthday in global pandemic - ergo no birthday party
DH is selfish knobber - tell him we all said so

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Asterion · 03/10/2020 12:24

That's absolutely shitty. Your poor DS!! Sad

Your DS will reach "double figures" once in his life. Your DH can play his precious sport any fecking week.

Absolutely disgusting behaviour from him.

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ThePlantsitter · 03/10/2020 12:25

Don't text the guy. Tell your husband 'ds's birthday tea is at 6.30 and he wants you to be there.'

If your DH can't manage this you need to think about what a twat you're married to.

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FippertyGibbett · 03/10/2020 12:28

Your DH is selfish. It’s only one day.

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FippertyGibbett · 03/10/2020 12:31

So his son comes second to a sports match. How sad. And your husband is a knob.

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Scweltish · 03/10/2020 12:32

What a selfish prick! Why are you married to
this man?

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JingleCatJingle · 03/10/2020 12:32

Have a big birthday lunch, everyone wins.

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mouseistrapped · 03/10/2020 12:39

That's really sad.
Your DC is probably laid back as he's possibly lowered expectations and got used to this behaviour.
It's mind blowing to think it's nice for your son to wait until 9pm. I think you need to read the riot act to your selfish knob of a husband - sorry !

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Fizbosshoes · 03/10/2020 13:17

Thanks for the replies everyone. I'm glad that I'm not being unreasonable thinking its selfish (although i'll probably be told I'm nagging) and being upset on DS behalf.
DH did suggest a family meal at the weekend which we may do as well, but I think since he had planned to leave work early anyway, he could spend the evening with DS as well.
FWIW The sports is friendly/casual matches. They do not count for anything, and are not part of a league or competition.

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