WWYD - DH reluctant to change sports plans for DS birthday.

[Fizbosshoes]

For background DH is self employed, and usually plays sport twice a week after work, but if not playing sport is otherwise quite late home, so he doesnt see much of DC once he gets home (sometimes DS has already gone to bed)
DH sometimes says he feels sad about this but since he is able to finish early for sports, I think he sometimes prioritises that over spending time with DC. (Hes never able to come home early for parents evenings etc)

Next week is DS 10th birthday. DH said he had doubled booked himself and agreed to his regular sports match on that day. I asked if he was playing 2 matches (sometimes he offers to be a reserve for a different team) and he said no his normal group had changed what day they play and he hadnt noted it was DS birthday. (Fair enough)

Today I asked if he had cancelled and he said "I'm only playing 7-8.30" ....but he had apparently cancelled an earlier session.
He asked DS if he was ok to have his birthday dinner at 8.30pm. Except it wouldnt be 8.30 because that's the time he finishes playing.
I dont want DS to wait til nearly 9pm to eat dinner, and he will have school the next day. DS is really easy going and undemanding but I think it's not on to ask him to wait to eat that late, or to not spend time as a family because DH chose to be out.
I've asked DH to cancel but hes pretty reluctant.i think it's selfish to prioritise his hobby over DS birthday. (We once went to a school event on DS birthday which I felt really shit about, but it was a one evening only secondary school open eve which we had no control over)

The end result of this selfishness is that the kids won't want to know him when they are older.

He's selfish

Your passivity is striking, OP. Are you able to change how you respond even if your husband won't?

You need to be firm with your husband.

"Family first. Go to that match and don't bother coming home"

He is awful and you seem to be avoiding making it clear to him that missing his sons birthday dinner is unacceptable.

Have you actually said to him that he should prioritise your son not his sport?

I'm beginning to wonder if he hadn't already "prepped" the team once he saw the date - if Fizzbosshoes asks, you really need me for this match. What an utter arse your DH is. I would be re-evaluating the marriage if he thought so little of DC

He likes being a 'father' - gives him masculine kudos, but he doesn't like being a 'dad'.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

You need to be firm with your husband.

"Family first. Go to that match and don't bother coming home"

This would be me, except a nicer version. I have higher standards for my children though, I wouldn’t tolerate their father treating them like shit, and I’d be willing to finish the relationship for this. For me it would be ‘his birthday dinner is at 6pm, we hope to see you there’. If he wasn’t there by 6.30 he’d have a bag packed on the doorstep. If I was feeling generous then he may gat a warning that he’d be out on his arse if he went to play a game instead of attending his sons birthday

For me it would be non negotiable and dh would have to cancel the match, whether there is a replacement or not. He sounds awful, prioritising the hobby over the DC, they will notice, they will start to resent him for it in due course and it will affect his relationship with them as they get older. He needs to get a grip.

Bloody hell. I'm assuming your husband isn't playing for the premier league after work so he can miss the bloody game for his son's birthday.

I agree he's selfish

@Fizbosshoes
You say he's done this before?

The question has to be why are you still with him????

@MrsWhites

Exactly I agree

As for the OP's husband finding a "replacement" I think OP needs a replacement husband - someone who actually gives a shit!!

He'd be my ex husband after this! Op you need to put your big girl pants on and get rid!!!!

Bloody he’ll OP - he’ll try and what if I cant!

I’d be laying on the line exactly what would happen ‘if he can’t’.

You seem to be missing the point, the issue isn’t that your husband didn’t know what day of the week your sons birthday was weeks in advance or even that he didn’t twig when the actually date was announced. It’s that he didn’t immediately say ‘sorry lads, won’t be able to make that game, it’s my sons birthday’ (not to mention him just generally not being there for your children)!

Sorry but your husband is an arsehole, and that's from someone who's husband lives and breathes a certain team.

And your son has 2 parents who don't put him first, which is even sadder

You’ve missed a trick OP. When the team said your DH will have to find a replacement you should have said “good idea, I’ll get on Tinder right now...”

This is really sad. You seem so resigned to the fact he doesn't give a shit and you are wasting your time trying g to get him to care. Your son is easy going etc because he has picked up on this over the years. So sad.

Of course it makes it more special when dads there.

Because he never makes them a priority

I’d firmly be making plans on his birthday.
Although honestly I’d be going postal at this. It’s not on, it’s selfish. He is choosing his mates over his family. It’s not work, it’s not keeping the roof over your heads, it’s dicking about absolving himself of responsibility.

Why would he not want to be with his son on his birthday?

While I agree with the sentiment about ending things if he can't put his son first, I would say not to do it on your son's birthday - you don't want him associating his birthday with his dad's bags packed and on the doorstep!

There’s still time to message him ‘if you can’t come home early one night a year per child for their birthday I don’t know why you bother to be in this family. I take on just about all the parenting for you but I can’t actually be their dad, if you care that little I really think they might be better with a different parenting arrangement. One where they live with me, see you every other weekend and I don’t have to pretend to myself you care for or appreciate me or your amazing children.

he hadnt noted it was DS birthday. (Fair enough)

And just tell us, OP, what is the likelihood that you would have forgotten your ds' birthday?

And just tell us, OP, what is the likelihood thatyouwould have forgotten your ds' birthday?

If someone had said to me a few weeks ago, shall we change from Thursdays to tuesdays, for example, in 3 weeks time, I might not have immediately realised.but the week before, or when they sent a dated spreadsheet, I'd have said something straight away.

As a matter of interest, OP, I presume your DH looks after the DC twice a week so you can go out and do your hobby/sport?

He'll struggle to keep up this sporting commitment when he has 24/7 sole care of the DC his half of the week if you split because of his passivity. Won't he?

This behaviour won't change. So you can put up with it or do something about it I suppose. Repercussions either way, very sad for you and your DS that you are both so used to being put last. The only unreasonable one in this scenario is your husband, but you know that already.

This makes me so sad. It's my DC birthday soon and we have been talking about it for weeks. My DH has had to stop buying little things he thinks DC will like because he's bought too much already. We've opened a present early because it's so exciting. And I think that's normal. As in, my DH is not showing exemplary behaviour- it's baseline what I want for my kid. Your situation is really sad .