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Original poster

WWYD - DH reluctant to change sports plans for DS birthday.

145 replies

Fizbosshoes · 03/10/2020 11:17

For background DH is self employed, and usually plays sport twice a week after work, but if not playing sport is otherwise quite late home, so he doesnt see much of DC once he gets home (sometimes DS has already gone to bed)
DH sometimes says he feels sad about this but since he is able to finish early for sports, I think he sometimes prioritises that over spending time with DC. (Hes never able to come home early for parents evenings etc)

Next week is DS 10th birthday. DH said he had doubled booked himself and agreed to his regular sports match on that day. I asked if he was playing 2 matches (sometimes he offers to be a reserve for a different team) and he said no his normal group had changed what day they play and he hadnt noted it was DS birthday. (Fair enough)

Today I asked if he had cancelled and he said "I'm only playing 7-8.30" ....but he had apparently cancelled an earlier session.
He asked DS if he was ok to have his birthday dinner at 8.30pm. Except it wouldnt be 8.30 because that's the time he finishes playing.
I dont want DS to wait til nearly 9pm to eat dinner, and he will have school the next day. DS is really easy going and undemanding but I think it's not on to ask him to wait to eat that late, or to not spend time as a family because DH chose to be out.
I've asked DH to cancel but hes pretty reluctant.i think it's selfish to prioritise his hobby over DS birthday. (We once went to a school event on DS birthday which I felt really shit about, but it was a one evening only secondary school open eve which we had no control over)

OP posts:
ssd · 04/10/2020 23:10

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Reddog1 · 04/10/2020 23:12

Some people don’t deserve to be parents. That poor child.

FourPlasticRings · 04/10/2020 23:23

Do or do not, there is no try. Tell DH he will succeed or he may find himself looking down the business end of a decree absolute.

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OhCaptain · 04/10/2020 23:28

He’s a prick but your whole set up is weird.

Wtf are you doing what’s apping his friends??

balloonsintrees · 04/10/2020 23:36

30 years later my dad still feels guilty for having to miss my 13th birthday; it was a high level court case that his firm was involved in and dad had to travel every week for it. I never had a problem with this because of the sacrifices both my parents made for me.
Your husband is being a selfish dickhead, should grow the fuck up and be there for his son. If he is a pro sports player then needs must, as it is just a hobby, he is being a grade a twat.

MrsWhites · 05/10/2020 08:48

FFS it’s not about the fact that he didn’t realise that a Thursday three weeks from that point would be his sons birthday, you are right, anyone could make that mistake BUT when they realised any decent parent would have changed their plans immediately! Your DH doesn’t want to - that’s the whole top and bottom of it, he’d rather play sports than see his child on his birthday and you are justifying his behaviour!!

VenusClapTrap · 05/10/2020 09:46

I couldn’t love someone who did this. And I couldn’t stay with someone I didn’t love.

LarryUnderwood · 05/10/2020 15:27

@VenusClapTrap

I couldn’t love someone who did this. And I couldn’t stay with someone I didn’t love.
This with bells on.
Albgo · 05/10/2020 15:50

I love that he'll "try" not to let his child and family down.
It's a sad thing that he'd rather let down a young child on his birthday than a few adult men.
Says it all really.

UserABCDE12345 · 05/10/2020 16:24

You need to get firmer with him and tell him he's a poor excuse for a father and crack on with his precious sport because one day it's all he'll have. He needs a massive wake up call here.

Veterinari · 05/10/2020 16:31

The problem is not the sports match.
The problem is that fundamentally your DH has no interest in spending time with his family and doesn't give a shit about making his wife or children happy, and you're bending over backwards to cover for him.

You aren't important to him, and when you point that out he gets pissed off.

Are you really happy to consistently expose your children to a father that doesn't give a shit about how they feel and won't ever prioritise them.
Aren't you all worth more than that @Fizbosshoes ?

Embracelife · 05/10/2020 16:42

Stop trying to fix it.
Your ds knows his dad doesnt care about being there.
Up to ds dad to male it up to ds another day or not.
Stop fixing things.
Do what you and ds wamts to do on his birthday.
Say the truth. We cannot wait for dad he is at his match.
You can talk to dad about it.

thevassal · 05/10/2020 17:23

So he's never been to a parent's evening either and frequently misses both of his children's birthdays. Presumably if he is home so late every single day he doesn't get involved in feeding them, listening to their day, bathing them when they were little or helping them with their homework either.

So is there any aspect of parenting his own children he does actually go or his he basically a sperm doner who happens to live in the same house as them?

Sharpandshineyteeth · 05/10/2020 17:28

WTF!!! Why wouldn’t he WANT to spend time with DS on his birthday!!!

Can you imagine just going out and leaving DS? Of course you wouldn’t because he’s your son and it’s his birthday. Why doesn’t his Dad feel like this?

rorosemary · 05/10/2020 18:00

He is so checked out of family life I fail to see what is left of your marriage here.

Albgo · 08/10/2020 16:26

I hope (whatever happened with your husband) that your son had a happy birthday with you this week.

Scweltish · 08/10/2020 20:00

So what happened op?

Original poster
Fizbosshoes · 10/10/2020 19:21

I told DH (again) on Sunday that he was prioritising his hobby over DS birthday and got told I was making a big deal of it. He did nothing about "trying" to find a replacement. When he went out I messaged him (so I could say everything I wanted without being interrupted) He did make some calls and messaged other players the next day but no one could stand in for him.....so he went. He came home early from work and we had cake and sang happy birthday. Then he went out for his match.
Me and DC had DS choice of birthday meal (at a suitable time) and played a game, DH came in and had to make his own dinner.
DS forgot he wasnt there on his birthday, it transpired during a conversation earlier.
We went out for the day for DS birthday today, and DS really enjoyed it.
I feel like there has been an atmosphere between me and DH all week, and i want to discuss why he thinks sport comes first but I am too passive and hate confrontation, and havent found the guts a time to do it. I feel I put my DC first but have taken on board the comments that I am being a crap parent as well by allowing DH to behave like this.

the next parents eve is zoom one so I've told DH he wont have to miss out.

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 10/10/2020 20:47

I think you did well to help your ds have a good birthday. You aren't responsible for your dh's behaviour.

converseandjeans · 12/10/2020 06:31

Just saw update & your DH is pretty selfish. He's prioritising a mid week sports game over DS birthday. It's also evident he can be home on time/early when it suits him I.e. to get to sports match on time. He managed to come home before the match this time - he just chooses not to usually.

I don't know if it's worth leaving him if otherwise he supports you and is generally a nice bloke. DS obviously adores him. It's just a selfish trait which he has likely always had but is more evident now DS is aware.

LittleBearPad · 12/10/2020 07:38

I don't know if it's worth leaving him if otherwise he supports you and is generally a nice bloke. DS obviously adores him.

DS has learnt to make the most of the tiny bit of attention he gets. He’ll grow out if it and then he’ll give his father the same amount of attention he gets ie minimal.

There are some pretty low expectations above.

EvilPea · 12/10/2020 10:03

i feel I put my DC first
Which is lucky really, imagine if you behaved as your DH did?
You can’t do that though, because he always does and someone needs to step up.

Scweltish · 12/10/2020 11:04

@LittleBearPad

I don't know if it's worth leaving him if otherwise he supports you and is generally a nice bloke. DS obviously adores him.

DS has learnt to make the most of the tiny bit of attention he gets. He’ll grow out if it and then he’ll give his father the same amount of attention he gets ie minimal.

There are some pretty low expectations above.

Agreed. And there’s nothing more to be said really, is there? The poor child’s father let him down again, and the op is creeping round refusing to even mention it. Nothings changed. Let’s hope the boy doesn’t need too much therapy when he’s older
Albgo · 13/10/2020 06:51

I'm glad your son had a good birthday.

Original poster
Fizbosshoes · 18/10/2020 10:31

Update : I did speak to DH about this again and he still thinks I'm making a big deal out of it and apparently has spoken to a few people who agree it was not a big deal for him to be out for "just"1.5 hours on DS birthday. I said in a years time DS will remember his birthday , in a few weeks time no one will remember your match, who won, what the score was etc and he agreed Confused.
Then he said he thought that its my depression and anxiety that's making me overreact....Angry

OP posts: