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Original poster

WWYD - DH reluctant to change sports plans for DS birthday.

145 replies

Fizbosshoes · 03/10/2020 11:17

For background DH is self employed, and usually plays sport twice a week after work, but if not playing sport is otherwise quite late home, so he doesnt see much of DC once he gets home (sometimes DS has already gone to bed)
DH sometimes says he feels sad about this but since he is able to finish early for sports, I think he sometimes prioritises that over spending time with DC. (Hes never able to come home early for parents evenings etc)

Next week is DS 10th birthday. DH said he had doubled booked himself and agreed to his regular sports match on that day. I asked if he was playing 2 matches (sometimes he offers to be a reserve for a different team) and he said no his normal group had changed what day they play and he hadnt noted it was DS birthday. (Fair enough)

Today I asked if he had cancelled and he said "I'm only playing 7-8.30" ....but he had apparently cancelled an earlier session.
He asked DS if he was ok to have his birthday dinner at 8.30pm. Except it wouldnt be 8.30 because that's the time he finishes playing.
I dont want DS to wait til nearly 9pm to eat dinner, and he will have school the next day. DS is really easy going and undemanding but I think it's not on to ask him to wait to eat that late, or to not spend time as a family because DH chose to be out.
I've asked DH to cancel but hes pretty reluctant.i think it's selfish to prioritise his hobby over DS birthday. (We once went to a school event on DS birthday which I felt really shit about, but it was a one evening only secondary school open eve which we had no control over)

OP posts:
IvyRose77886 · 03/10/2020 23:09

@Fizbosshoes

I've already told DH hes prioritising his sports mates over DS. I whatsapped the organiser because I hoped they might have some reserves but they said he's got to find a replacement. DH said he will try. I'm not convinced. I know he hasn't text anyone.
I would of replied to the organiser saying unfortunately even if a replacement cannot be found that DH won’t be attending as it’s his sons birthday. Fuck him.
converseandjeans · 03/10/2020 23:18

He's being a knob & DS should not have to wait til 9pm for a birthday tea. Do you have anyone else who could join in?

He needs to cancel his plans or lose any hope of a relationship ongoing with his children.

combatbarbie · 03/10/2020 23:23

Wow, so he can and does finish early for these matches but on non sports days rarely gets back before kids are in bed!!!

Fuck that, your poor kids having a selfish prick of a father.

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KatherineJaneway · 03/10/2020 23:25

Wow, he doesn't really want to be a dad, does he.

Shizzlestix · 03/10/2020 23:30

You shouldn’t have messaged the mate, that’s overstepping big time. You need to talk to your dh, not his mates. Making your ds wait til 9pm to eat is shocking and if he can’t see that, then you need to seriously have words.

Gustavo1 · 03/10/2020 23:32

Is it possible to go out for a birthday tea where you are?
I’m not sure your husband really cares whether he is part of it or not so why not leave him to it.
Take the kids for curry or a pizza or whatever they enjoy. Let DH come home to an empty house.
Then, once this birthday is over, you perhaps need to think about whether this is an unfortunate one off or whether DH is actually a crap partner, crap father and all round shitty bloke!

doctorhamster · 03/10/2020 23:38

How can you stay married to a man who won't prioritise his own children?

Wearywithteens · 04/10/2020 00:16

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Leeds2 · 04/10/2020 00:46

I don't think you are being at all unreasonable in expecting your DS's father to be at home at a reasonable hour for his birthday tea.
However, if you had contacted the event organiser to try and rearrange my schedule, I would be livid. And nothing more certain to make me miss the event you had organised.

Wearywithteens · 04/10/2020 00:52

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Thesuzle · 04/10/2020 00:59

Jeez is he Boris ? How many kids does he have that he cant remember his sons birthday

nitsandwormsdodger · 04/10/2020 01:20

Telll him you are going to a Zumba class on next child's birthday and won't get there till it's over

lyralalala · 04/10/2020 01:29

So, not only does your DS now know that his Dad had forgotten when his birthday was, but he also knows his Dad views him as less important than his sport.

Your DS won't forget this. Your DH is a knob and I'd seriously consider my marriage because he clearly doesn't view your children as important.

If you can leave work for sport you can leave work for your kids. If you regularly put said sport before your kids then you are a shit parent.

Susannahmoody · 04/10/2020 01:38

A 9 year olds birthday tea at 9pm? Huh? Did he actually suggest this?

Somethingkindaoooo · 04/10/2020 01:40

@Fizbosshoes

i've whatsapped the group organiser. I think I'm going to get the silent treatment when he finds out....Sad
Jesus

Are you his mum?

OP
You can't force your DH to be a present father. Are you trying to ignore that he would rather have a kick around with mates?

Be honest, is your husband going to resent being there?

Allington · 04/10/2020 02:23

I am slightly stunned that you consider it understandable that your DH forgot his child's birthday.

Let alone that you even are questioning whether it is reasonable for DH to expect his son to fit around the time left over from a hobby.

Your DH does not value his children, sadly. What you do with that knowledge is the crucial question

differentnameforthis · 04/10/2020 04:04

your dh is the type of man who can't make time for his family, and then moans when his adult children can't make time for him.

I'd celebrate with ds, and let your husband explain why.

differentnameforthis · 04/10/2020 04:34

@Fizbosshoes

I've already told DH hes prioritising his sports mates over DS. I whatsapped the organiser because I hoped they might have some reserves but they said he's got to find a replacement. DH said he will try. I'm not convinced. I know he hasn't text anyone.
Op, you have to stop facilitating your children's relationship with their father. It's not your job to do this, and they need to see who he is by experiencing who he is. I know it hurts that your children get let down time after time, but you have to let him mess up. Anything else is just faking it, and the only one who benefits is him.

Then you have to decide how to help them cope/deal with it, because you will never be able to fix it, only he can do that!

@wavecatcher - You continue to let him get away with selfish behaviour and treat your son badly.

The op isn't 'letting' him get away with anything. He is grown arse adult who needs to be making better choices regarding his kids, and shouldn't need his wife to facilitate it. Do not blame the op because her H is a selfish git.

@Allington - I am slightly stunned that you consider it understandable that your DH forgot his child's birthday.

I'm not. Op has been conditioned to expect her H to do this. That's why she contacted the organiser, she is used to clearing up his mess and he is used to her doing it, and he is complacent in that she will continue to facilitate his life and relationships with the kids.

As to why she stays with him (to whoever asked) again, it's because she been conditioned to accept that she and the children are lesser in his life. His priorities are work & sport.

He even moaned about missing sport for a school event. His family are status symbols, they just need to get on with it, and leave him to pick and choose his "commitments" regarding family life.

MrsWhites · 04/10/2020 09:06

Your DH is clearly a selfish bastard on the whole - can’t finish work before 8.30 to see his kids but can twice a week to play sports, that’s just not on, I wouldn’t be putting up with it. Missing his sons birthday is a whole other level of selfishness.

Sounds a very weird set up to, why would your DH need to find a replacement? But I agree you shouldn’t have messaged for him, it’s just taking more responsibility out of his hands!

MidnightCitrus · 04/10/2020 09:12

@CommunistLegoBloc

Your children will remember that their father never put them first. It will shape them. They will also remember that their mother didn't take steps to protect them directly, but rather ran around clearing up their father's mess. That will shape them too.
This, I have one parent who clearly has other things more important than me, and always has. We don't talk and haven't for 30? years, the other parent, they think we are closer than we are
LittleBearPad · 04/10/2020 09:18

Your husband is beneath contempt. One day he’s going to want his children to be there for him and they’ll be gone. All because he prioritises kicking/hitting a ball.

Pathetic.

Original poster
Fizbosshoes · 04/10/2020 09:32

I don't think its ok that he forgot DS birthday, but I can understand that if they agreed several weeks ago to change the day of the week they played (but didn't give a starting date) he might not have twigged.
However I would have hoped (but not entirely surprised) that when he saw the dated spreadsheet with when they were playing he would have changed it or said he can't play.

I contacted the other player, for my DS benefit, more than for DH, because I know he wants Dad to be there.

DH said he will try but I've been here before and that means leaving it til last minute and saying no one is available. I asked him again this morning to sort it out, and he said "what if I can't?" which I assume is trying to prepare me that he is still going.

And (maybe, probably wrongly)I thought if his team mates know its his DS birthday, if they say anything their comments might have more impact on him than mine.

OP posts:
combatbarbie · 04/10/2020 09:35

Just make it perfectly clear that you will be re-evaluating the marriage if he doesn't buck up his ideas and put his children first.

DrDavidBanner · 04/10/2020 09:37

DH Said he will try

Hes got you trained OP, but you know that.

Time will come when he doesn't have to worry about wasting his valuable time with the kids because they won't want to know.

I'll never understand people like him. Why have kids if you don't want them?

VettiyaIruken · 04/10/2020 09:41

How nice for your children growing up knowing how little they mean to their father.
He's an absolute twat.