How to stop someone buying the house next door

[Anonandonandonandon]

Entirely tongue in cheek, I intend to be neighbourly and lovely but...

Our neighbours are selling their house. It’s on a really quiet road, tucked away so that you’d never come down it if you weren’t a resident or visiting a resident. It’s a big reason we bought here.

On Tuesday I heard an almighty roaring noise that even my colleagues on zoom suggested I should investigate. I looked out of the window to see a very expensive car turning outside our house and driving off. Turns out the driver had been looking around next door.

Today I came home to find said very expensive car parked partially across my driveway, which was a bit annoying in itself. Must be a second viewing. Now I have visions of being woken up by an ostentatiously loud car every morning or late at night and living next door to someone who feels the need for such an expensive and ostentatiously loud car

Any (also tongue in cheek) suggestions as to how I put them off?

@999LetsbyAvenue

Apply for planning permission to use your house for something. A nursery, a doggie day care and kennels, a car re-spraying business in the front garden, a rehabilitation centre for substance dependency or young offenders, a manure processing plant... the choice is yours.

You obviously don't have to carry out any of these, but they will be in the planning permission pipeline for ages and the solicitor's search will alert potential buyers.

Ooo I like this one!

@Shaniac

Take up LARPING and noisily re enact war scenes outside.

I’ve got some LARPer friends. Might be time to catch up with 5 of them in the front garden.

Who would you rather have next to you? A herd of mutton extras from the Jeremy Kyle show?

Talk to him but be weird "Oooh if you move in you can share our hot tub. We were going to stick a gate in the fence, and we can pop into each others gardens all the time! We're nudists, by the way. Don't you just love to mow the lawn naked? It feels so free! Oh, by the way did you hear about those wankers that used to live in this house? They were awful. They tried to get us arrested us for theft. Their garage was open, and we needed to borrow some sugar. Apparently they wanted us to actually ask the before coming in and helping ourselves from the kitchen, can you imagine?" etc etc.
And yes to the weird music suggestion. Sometime like whale song?

Borrow eight children, dress them in rags and get them to lurk suspiciously near the car. As soon as the potential neighbours step out of the house yell, "leave that car alone now and come in for tea...."

I wondered why my Mum had her Pampas Grass removed...

@Alwaysinpain

I wondered why my Mum had her Pampas Grass removed...

Hang a massive St George’s flag out of an upper window.

Dress up as edward and tubbs from league of gentlemen and tell them this is a local house for local people.

Your kids have all decided to learn to play musical instruments... badly
Bag pipes and the violin are my personal choices for such situations

@Branleuse

Put a sofa in your front garden and a fridge

LOOOOOLLLLL.

Our neighbours have both of these things in the back garden and more, plus multiple broken windows. One window is totally out and just has cardboard to keep the wind out. Grim :/

Put a sofa in your front garden and a fridge

^^ THIS! Please do it....then update us!

Or better still, I can lend you my rifle (perfectly legal). Pretend to fire, give 3 year old an energy drink so they run around crazy, I'll collapse somewhere near and pretend to be on spice.

You talk in tongues. That'll scare 'em off.

Not only do we have what I mentioned above, but I also have this -

Now I have visions of being woken up by an ostentatiously loud car every morning or late at night

One of our close neighbours has the most obnoxious, I-am-a-man-with-a-small-penis car EVER. It fucking ROARS like a giant pre-historic animal in the morning and must wake everyone up close-by, including us. It a massive vehicle for a small house area, totally inappropriate (along with the multiple dogs has stuffed in his small house, two of them large ones which bark at the rain given half the chance).

Honestly, you can't imagine how loud and embarrassingly juvenile it is. Tacky and inconsiderate to all around him.

The oxo cube comment has killed me

Borrow the lady neighbour from the dog training thread... Have her shouting "FIND MONKEY" "BANG' & "BANG, COME ALIVE!" in the garden! Should do the trick!! 😉 😉 😉 😁 😁 😁 😁

get a karaoke machine and practise your German to Rammstein

I’m taking notes. My neighbours house is up for sale, they’re lovely. Quiet, friendly and helpful - I’ll really miss them. Man in a very noisy BMW had a 2nd viewing today. I’ll be WFH for the foreseeable future and am enjoying the leisurely starts to the day, so I’m hoping that if he does buy the house he’s not on the 7.25 to Waterloo every day!

Get a rusted old trampoline second hand off Facebook marketplace. Put it right up against the fence so anyone on it can see into the neighbour's house. Invite five or six children round and fill them with Fruit Shoots and let them go mental on said trampoline while screaming their lungs out.

If you have a spare kid, get them to kick a football against the fence constantly and yell at them like a fishwife. Oh and play a looping tape of barking dogs and burn some cannabis scented insense.

This was basically the experience of living next to my old neighbours.

Become an ardent Jehovah's Witness and start to chat to him. Kill off any front garden you may have and bring in some tumble weed.

To go a bit Monty python, get hold of a dead parrot.

Bang it against the fence saying "have you met my parrot? Utterly astonishing, isn't it? Say hello to it"

Maintaining eye contact all the while.

Get a disposable white zip up overall suit.

Stencil PEST FUMIGATION SERVICES across the back and, wearing a mask, busy yourself in and out of the front door with buckets and full black bin liners and any metal contraptions you can find, and occasionally bellow "Don't worry Mrs Anonandonandon...it's affected the whole area, not just you.." "won't be long now, another couple of visits and we will hope to have it all under control, til the weather warms up again next summer" "I know our service is expensive, but you can't be too careful and in the end no-one wants to live with that, so they?"

Find an odd looking kid who can play the banjo and stick him in the front garden. If you’ve got a horse knocking about stick that out there too

Get a group of ravers to dance shit up on the front drive. They've got to wear their neon legwarmers and oversized sunglasses.
The kicker is, it's got to be done in complete silence.

Outing if anyone knows me....

I dealt with problem neighbours as follows:

A CD of Gregorian Chanting. Played as loud as the stereo would play it.
When they objected, I paused it and in a DEADLY serious voice

"I do hope you are not trying to impede the practice of my religion"