In tears, my 3 year old has been attacking other kids at preschool

[Motherofmonsters]

I just don't know what to do. I've always had trouble with him hitting and pulling hair and I thought we had cracked it. He had pretty much stopped this behaviour.

I've just had a call from preschool to say he's bit another child, keeps pushing over another one and snatching toys.

They're going to keep logging it but I'm so worried that they'll kick him out.

I've said I'll work with them and if there's anything they suggest I do at home I'll do.

I just feel sick about it

They need to do more than log it. What good will that do? They need to be observing him closely and intervening to teach good behaviour every time it looks like he is squaring up to pull hair etc. If they can't provide that level of supervision, maybe move him to a childminder who can.

They are going through their procedures so removing him etc. They're keeping a record of incidents though I guess to show how bad it is.

I just don't know what to do, he never bites at home

Try not to stress about it. Lots of children go through phases like this, the important thing is to work together to come up with a consistent, effective strategy, and you are doing that. I would hope that when they say they are 'logging' the behaviour, they mean they are gathering information about what triggers him so that can start to understand the patterns of behaviour and put appropriate measures in place. A decent preschool would only 'kick out' a child as a very last resort. Keep on being positive and working with them - you all want the same thing for your DS ultimately.

Most children go through this stage, try not to worry. They should be saying no and giving him a time out.
They won’t throw him out, at least I’ve never heard of it.
It is awful and embarrassing I know, but it’s probably just a phase.

Thanks everyone. She just sounded really annoyed which I can see why as everyone is trying to settle in.

It always seems to be him that's all. I've really really tried and we just seem to be going nowhere

Without wanting to sound like an unsympathetic bitch, being the parent of children who have been victims of this sort of thing, if nursery cannot stop your DS hurting other children he should be pulled out, it isn’t fair on the other children.

When my youngest started preschool there was a child there who attacked him, and only him, he went from loving pre school to screaming and crying hysterically every morning trying to run and hide upstairs.
He was non verbal at that point so there was no way of knowing what on earth had happened.
It was only when I started noticing bite marks on his arms that I realised what was happening.

I'd have a proper conversation with the nursery and share information about your experience at home.

He's 3, so there's no point in complaining to you, as you can't sort his behaviour there, hours after it happened.

I'd be telling him that he can't bite, etc in the nursery like he can't at home.

But they need to devise a strategy (even if they need your permission or help) to sort his behaviour while in their care and under their supervision.

I wouldn't be too pleased with a nursery that didn't seem to be able to adress such behaviour in children other than by complaining to parents.

"Most children go through this stage, try not to worry. They should be saying no and giving him a time out.
They won’t throw him out"

This is not true at all. Most children do not go through this stage, lots of them are the ones on the biting end.

I know of 2 children that weren't allowed to return to nursery due to this.

I don't know what you can do OP other than work with the nursery to make sure you're being consistent

@Motherofmonsters we have a very feisty four year old who will fly into a rage with little provocation. When angered he will hit, kick, throw, head butt, used to bite but grew out of that. Lucky for us never at preschool, but particularly bad over lockdown.

Recently we’ve set up a very simple marble jar reward chart for both kids. Our interpretation
Is all the marbles start in the ‘good jar’ at the beginning of the week and are moved to the ‘bad jar’ for poor behaviour. There is zero tolerance for hitting, throwing etc. So I will continue to move marbles if he has a huge tantrum and continues to hit me. I think the most we’ve moved so far is nine in a couple of minutes. They earn the marbles back when exhibiting good behaviour. This can be simple politeness or kindness, but also for good concentration, great work at school, crafting etc.

At the end of the week if they have all their marbles in the hood jar they get a reward. This week it was a magazine each. It’s honestly working really well. It means that actions have visual consequences but the unexpectedly great aspect of this is that I now sprinkle praise much more liberally and vocally and the kids are thriving off the back of it. They are definitely kinder to each other as a result.

Why are nursery making out this is your fault? . Nothing you can do from a distance, they need to address this behaviour effectively while he is in their care (and supervise properly to minimise the effect on other children). All you can do is talk to them to make sure you both have a consistent disciplinary approach so your DS knows he can't get away with this behaviour wherever it takes place. Yes, it's not fair on the other children, but he won't be the first toddler to bite and hit and any decent nursery ought to be able to deal with this as long as you are reinforcing the message at home.

If they have concerns about his behaviour then the senco at preschool should be involved in observations and putting in support and reward systems for him. I would ask for a meeting to discuss what extra support they are going to put into place for him. And ask to speak to the senco. They can't just kick him out

Ok so DD1 was a bit like this.

There were two things that really helped:

1. the nursery really watched her closely for a week and found out that it was happening at particular times, especially right before pick up when she was tired. So they were able to keep an extra close eye on her at those times and also make her have some quiet time so she wasn’t getting so tired.

Your nursery needs to watch your DC, so they can see it coming, not just react once it’s happened. This is both to protect other DC and also to help figure out how to teach him.

2. Every day before nursery I would repeat to DC, “what do you do if you get cross” and “what do you do if somebody takes something” etc. And the answer which she had to tell me was “tell a grown up, not hit”. I think repeating that every day gradually sank in and she stopped.

You need to focus on empathy development. There are probably plenty of books about on the subject. Of course kids are limited by age as to things like this but it's very important to talk to them about caring about other peoples feelings early on. Perhaps get a pet and work on being kind to it together. Reward him for petting it nicely ect, with praise.

To be fair, OP, it may not only be your DC who's behaving like this, but nursery aren't going to tell you about little Sammy throwing his toys at other children, or Emily who kicks everyone at snack time are they?

You're only going to hear about your child. They may be no worse than lots of others there.

Try not to stress, I'm sure the nursery have seen this behaviour before and some children do struggle to express themselves verbally and control their anger.

I'd be proactive in your approach with the nursery to make sure they know you're onside and wanting to rectify this behaviour. Ask them what their approach will be, why they're logging the incidents and what you can do to support them.

He is 3.
So there is nothing you can do after the event at home, it is too long ago.
But this is also not acceptable.
But at 3, this is down to the adults watching to head this behaviour off. My friend's ds did this becuase he had very little language for example, so when he was frustrated, eg he wanted a toy another child was playing with, he couldn't express it, so he bit.
by having an adult nearby, not only could they stop the biting, but they could step in at the point he was getting frustrated, and put his frustration inot words. eg Do you want to play with the bike? Tommy is on it now, so you can have it when Tommy is finished. Tommy first, then you. etc

If he has just gone back/into nursery after a long period at home, I would expect there to be lots of settling in issues with all the kids, who are out of practice sharing and playing with others

Mine we my through this phase at maybe 4 or 5, and I remember vividly how shitty it felt. Not biting, but pushing and hitting. In his case it was because it was a new school and he was learning a new language, and it was just all too much for him.

I made him a ladybird chart - basically a fuzzy felt staircase of around 5 steps, with a little Velcro ladybird at the bottom and a leaf at the top. Every time he had a day without incident, the ladybird moved up a step. When it got to the top, it took a bite out of the leaf and he got a small present (e.g magazine). Then the ladybird went back to the bottom again. I enlisted the teachers to help, by reminding him of the chart throughout the day. It did seem to help, and he loved it.

Ask the setting what triggers have they identified that cause the behaviours and what plans are they implementing to help him so you can follow through with similar steps at home.

I used to work in early years, we've had staff velcroed temporarily to kids to work out what the biting triggers were and to keep the other kids safe whilst we helped the "offender" with their behaviour.

@Motherofmonsters

Thanks everyone. She just sounded really annoyed which I can see why as everyone is trying to settle in.

It always seems to be him that's all. I've really really tried and we just seem to be going nowhere

You say it’s always seems to be him. I bet it’s not. It’s just the staff aren’t going to tell you about anyone else’s behaviour are they?

I had twin biters, it was very upsetting. We got a book called teeth are for smiling (or something like that) which helped a little bit, but they were both very speech delayed and I guess the biting was the only way they could express frustration. They also bit at home.

11 now and have grown out of it (!) nursery would separate them and let us know but tbh there’s not much you can do except model good behaviour and ride it out.

They need to intervene effectively at the time. Whatever others are saying it is not normal even though it is common, they can't have bullies. They should be bringing in extra resources via the council if it can't be effectively managed including assessments to see if something is going on. At home if he isn't demonstrating such behaviour there is not a lot you can do except reinforcing polite behaviour and manners

Perhaps get a pet and work on being kind to it together. Reward him for petting it nicely ect, with praise.

I don't want to be unkind but this isn't great advice - why should a vulnerable animal get to be the trial punchbag for a child who hasn't learned to regulate their responses to adversity yet? It's a horrible reason to take on an animal anyway, without the risk of the animal retaliating and inflicting injury on the child. The nursery staff watching closely for triggers and helping OP's child to regulate his emotions and manage his responses appropriately would be far more useful. It'll take a bit of time and effort on their part, but frankly, it's their job to do that.

My kid was bitten at preschool, the other child was frustrated by his refusing to join in tidy up time. We all learned and moved on. They're really little and at different developmental stages, OP's ds will get there.

Thanks everyone for commenting and pointing out they should be helping him with his behaviour alongside pointing it out to me.

This is going to sound off the wall and I have no idea what is available in lockdown (there might be the possibility of individual tuition)

is to try something like martial arts training. The really good schools have nothing to do hitting people obviously but rather teach discipline and encourage values such as respect etc. Also one spin off is doing this training makes them really tired!

i don't know what there is where you live but Family Martial Arts used to take four year olds and mine learned when she was really small.

Obviously any funny business in class and they would be sent off the mat. Our MA teacher wasnt tall, he was quite young but by golly did it help with values and discipline as no one would have messed with hi=

Can be really sociable too.

good luck
gg

depending on what your interests are, lots of parents and kids went to class together and sometimes the parents helped out with dodgeball etc.