In tears, my 3 year old has been attacking other kids at preschool

[Motherofmonsters]

I just don't know what to do. I've always had trouble with him hitting and pulling hair and I thought we had cracked it. He had pretty much stopped this behaviour.

I've just had a call from preschool to say he's bit another child, keeps pushing over another one and snatching toys.

They're going to keep logging it but I'm so worried that they'll kick him out.

I've said I'll work with them and if there's anything they suggest I do at home I'll do.

I just feel sick about it

@lweji I'm not sure really. It is probably relevant that he is very big/ tall for his age and a month or two older so he is able to physically overpower her very easily. They get on really well generally but it seems she often starts things that he finishes! Maybe I'm being harsh on him but it's really tricky when the other mother is there and her small child has bite marks on her arm?! Doesn't help that this little girl isn't a biter and is an only child so I often feel judged in the situation and like she is of the opinion that whether or not a child bites is down to parenting (which I don't think it is!) I feel like biting is over the line in the sand of acceptable behaviour really, for most parents.

He's only 3, OP, and you said it's only his third day at nursery. Sounds like he's just having some teething troubles (sorry!) settling in. Has he been to nursery before? Also, what has his lockdown been like? Is this the first time he's been consistently around other children for a few months, especially without you? You said he used to do this but had mainly stopped - maybe nursery has just come as a bit of a shock to him and he's regressed into his "younger" behaviour?

@upthewolves
I'd point out to the other mother than her child should behave better. The child needs to learn to ask and accept a no.
I wouldn't accept bitting, but make it very clear that if my child is pushed in the first place then the other child has to accept there are consequences.
She should be parenting better herself.

@lweji thanks for that perspective, it's reassuring actually.

OP sorry for hijacking your thread there!

So I spent the day yesterday talking about not biting children and had bought teeth aren't for bitting which I read several times.

In the car to preschool he just said bite the children mummy... Think I made to big of a deal about it. Told him no don't bite them hopefully it's just him processing it not his intent

From what I know, telling children not to do something actually keeps the idea in their mind, not the opposite.

If we want our children not to do something, it's more effective to present what they should be doing.
Some role playing might help.

So, instead of bitting, practice what they'll do if another child annoys them, doesn't want to give a toy, is violent, etc.
If they practice better behaviour, it will take the focus out of the bad one and their first reaction is more likely to be the good behaviour.
It can be to say stop, or say no, or, like in martial arts, do a blocking action.

Biting makes people sad. Bites hurt the other children. Someone but me and I cried. Biting isn’t nice... repeat repeat repeat.....

He will get there. Maybe mention it to the dentist for the next check up - ‘oh I can see your teeth are nice and strong, very good - no biting I see... that’s very good because people teeth aren’t made to bite other people...’

Lweji - I think that's what I've done, basically spent the day telling him to bite everyone. Will not do that next time and focus on what he should be doing.

I did tell him to talk to the adults if he feels sad or angry but I don't think he understands.

Parenting is hard, I'ld take newborns over toddlers anyday

I would want to know how they are tackling the situation. There is very little you can do at home that will influence how a 3 year old will behave throughout the day.

Are they putting a plan in place or are they just compiling a list of his behaviour to make you feel crappy?

Lunar - at the minute it feels like they're compiling a list to make me feel crappy but it's only day 4 so I'm hoping they're doing some observing before a plan of action.

If they give the same feedback be ready with a list of questions about what they are doing to help him.

It shouldn’t be a flipping list of crimes and misdemeanours.

They need to be considering the safety and welfare if all the children and outlining how they are going to work with your child to endure that the behaviour is extinguished, and also what measures they are putting in place to make sure the other children don’t get hurt.

They are supposed to be the professionals here and this isn’t exactly unusual or extreme behaviour is it?

He did it again, they've said if he does it once more he has to go home because of his saliva and covid. Not sure if that means just today or forever.

Ill ask them for an action plan if that happens

Sorry OP it must be so stressful. I never had this luckily bar one or two occasions of pushing but my DS' old pre school were constantly complaining to me about him being naughty, whether it was not listening, being defiant etc. I felt the same, really hopeless and upset, as I would speak to him after and explain how important it is to listen etc but he was 3, and just turned 3 at that.

I completely agree with pp that they should be working with him there. A friend runs a pre school and she was telling me about a naughty child there and the strategy she'd agreed with the parents, a reward system and the parents had agreed the treat he would get for being good in pre school etc. That to me sounded really good and effective, but they do need to be rewarding your little one there and then for being good, and consequences for hitting etc.

I hope it passes for you soon, it's so hard when you feel like your the mum of "that child". I felt like I was made to feel it was very much just my DS who was the problem too. Ridiculous looking back as he was only just turned 3.

Is that in their risk assessment and would apply to any child because of covid, or are they making it up as they go along?

Children this age need a bit of helicoptering to see what the triggers are, stop it happening and keep all the children, including yours safe.

My youngest son was always on the receiving end of a child who did similar things. My questions to the staff never had anything to do with the child, I used to ask what they were doing to improve things.

They run a nursery, where this is a completely normal developmental stage for some children and as professionals they should be explaining to you how they are working with your son.

My brothers best friend used to bite and hit at the same age, he's now one of the scientists directly working on the Oxford covid vaccine. This is just a stage, he will get through it.

They're idiots.
And you can tell them I said it.

Biting won't transmit the virus.
Obviously they're letting the children be close enough to bite one another, so they're close enough to transmit the virus anyway.

After explaining this to them, ask them what are THEY doing to PREVENT IT.
It's their fucking job (can also quote me on this) while the child is there.
Also ask for a meeting to agree on a joint strategy, where they are at least 50% responsible.
It's a child, they're adults and the child is in their care for those hours, ffs.

I went through something similar with my son at that age and I'm afraid that in my case the nursery seemed to have washed their hands of him. They didn't suggest any behaviour management techniques, closer supervision etc, just suggested we reduce his hours. It was clear he wasn't welcome there so we changed nursery and his behaviour was much better at the new one.

ask them what are THEY doing to PREVENT IT

Totally this.

@Lweji is right. I can’t believe their attitude. They must surely be accustomed to upset and/or aggressive new children every September? It’s part and parcel of working in early years education IMO.

See how it goes OP, but if you get the impression they’re trying to push you out, I would walk away without a second thought. Consider it a prime opportunity to find a better preschool.

Oh this sounds tough. If he’s struggling to understand emotions, have you done any talking about that with him? He needs to learn what the emotions are before he can effectively tell a grown up about them. I bought a book for my sister and niece to read recently to help her get them through some tough tantrums and it seems to be helping niece label what she’s feeling.

This one: www.waterstones.com/book/the-colour-monster/anna-llenas/9781783704231

The annoying thing is, it's a school preschool and the school is one of the best so I would have thought the nursery would be to. Its the closest school to me so I do want him to go to the proper one. But maybe if they aren't looking like they're sorting it I'll move him

I’m sure it’s considered a good preschool, but if there’s a culture of intolerance of “bad” behaviour then your child’s card is marked already. Going to the school’s preschool won’t make him more likely to get a place in Reception, nor will it prepare him for school any better than any other preschool.

That sounds really tough. I actually find (from my experience) school preschools at being the worst at dealing with all of this sort of thing. They expect children to be school-ready and grown up much earlier. Anecdotally, I know of two children who have been “kicked out” of school nurseries.

Is there a private nursery nearby that you could send him to if it doesn’t work out there?

My son whos almost 5 still does. At nursery he has a one to one.

Ah it's so hard when children struggle with relationships like this.

I was hoping you were going to say that they were compiling a list, so they can see what the triggers were and then talk to you about how you can all work together on this, or maybe that they were concerned that there was something more to it. If they are not engaging with you in a positive way, it doesn't sound very helpful.

Keep trying what you are doing and reminding him about gentle behaviour. If the nursery cannot deal with a child who bites, then they will struggle in the long term.