In tears, my 3 year old has been attacking other kids at preschool

[Motherofmonsters]

I just don't know what to do. I've always had trouble with him hitting and pulling hair and I thought we had cracked it. He had pretty much stopped this behaviour.

I've just had a call from preschool to say he's bit another child, keeps pushing over another one and snatching toys.

They're going to keep logging it but I'm so worried that they'll kick him out.

I've said I'll work with them and if there's anything they suggest I do at home I'll do.

I just feel sick about it

@HauntedPencil

How can the parent supervise when they are at school?

If this was my child and it continued daily I'd pull them from Pre school to try and address the behaviour myself?

Take him to some toddler groups locally where I could watch his interactions and intervene myself and provide the needed discipline?

OP has he been around children much before - was he at a nursery or childminders before the age of 3? Is this is first week at pre school?

This always happens when it's about biting. I don't get why so many parents get so furious about what a toddler does - obviously it's not nice for the child that's bitten and it's upsetting if your child is upset but how can you not see that they're a very young child, not a monster? And DS (2) has, to date, never ever hurt another child and has been hurt by other children - I get the initial feeling of primal 'how dare they hurt my baby' rage, but then I've always had a moment of 'they're just a baby themselves'. Toddlers don't have the self-control, reasoning or empathy of adults or even of older children.

And you would be in prison. Because, unlike the OP's son, you're not 3 years old.

Quite. Also I'm intrigued how a child's head was bitten off by another three year old. The mind boggles.

All DC (or most) have some skills they are slower than others to learn.

For some DC the skill they are slow at is talking, or separating confidently from their adult, or sleeping through the night, or eating a wide range of foods.

For some DC it is controlling their reactions and reacting appropriately when they feel angry.

DC who are slow to learn other skills don’t get judged. DC who are slow to learn self control should not be judged either. They are not evil. They just need extra help to learn that particular skill.

This is why it feels like it’s “always him” OP, this is his particular weak spot. Other parents are probably worried about some problem behaviour your DC doesn’t have like fussy eating or clinginess.

I suppose nursery might sound angry because as you say ‘it’s always him’, first he was hitting, then pulling hair and now biting. They may feel your not addressing his behaviour at home hence it continuing and developing.

They’re doing the right thing logging it and if he can’t learn to control his behaviour he needs to be removed from the setting, it’s not fair on the other children.

OP I think you've had some hood advice on this thread.... and also some batshit crazy advice too.

Your son doesn't need a psychologist, he needs close observation to see what's going on. Is it frustration? Is it sensory when other children are in his space etc? The keyworker needs to be watching him and seeing what's triggering this. He's 3 and he can't explain verbally what is happening.

So it needs close observation both to help your son by identifying the cause of the behaviour and protect other children too.

My son is autistic (not saying your son is at all) and we experienced both sides of this. He was bitten a couple of times but he also bit others once or twice. If its any comfort he is 17 now and the calmest, most placid and gentle person. He rapidly grew out of the biting (personal space issues) and moved to head banging when upset 🙄.

By the time he started school it was all history.

It's totally normal, he won't be the only biter at pre school, just you won't be informed about the others. If he doesn't bite at home then it's obviously something triggering it at the pre school - they should be keeping a close eye on him, working out the triggers and trying to avoid them. There's not a lot you can do at home apart from reiterating that we don't bite people.

It dosent necessarily follow that a child would hit in school as of isn't being dealt with at home at all.

Of course you'd pull your kid out and spend the days trailing them around playgroups. Aye. Definitely.

It's his third day so they haven't seen his previous behaviour

I do think he is behind emotionally/friendships from what I've seen but he's also very confident which isn't a good mix.

I asked him today if he hurt a little girl, he said yes but couldn't tell me why, just told me he was sorry a

@Motherofmonsters I echo what greengreengrass14 says about martial arts. I belong to a school (maybe the same one) that has centres over the NW (Manchester, Chester, Bury, Oldham and many other locations). They can join there from 3.

I’d maybe try and do some role play at home that involves not biting when frustrated. So maybe being worked up but you go and show a teacher a thumbs down or something.

My child used to constantly come home from being bitten by one particular child it actually made her stop wanting to go in because she was scared X would bite her again.

@AlwaysCheddar Sorry but most children do not do this! Have you considered seeing your doctor? Get a psychologist to see your child?

Sorry, but most adults do not say such silly, ignorant things! Have you considered seeing your doctor about this? Or a psychologist?

@minipie

All DC (or most) have some skills they are slower than others to learn.

For some DC the skill they are slow at is talking, or separating confidently from their adult, or sleeping through the night, or eating a wide range of foods.

For some DC it is controlling their reactions and reacting appropriately when they feel angry.

DC who are slow to learn other skills don’t get judged. DC who are slow to learn self control should not be judged either. They are not evil. They just need extra help to learn that particular skill.

This is why it feels like it’s “always him” OP, this is his particular weak spot. Other parents are probably worried about some problem behaviour your DC doesn’t have like fussy eating or clinginess.

This is a great post.

I would ask to see the nursery and then ask them how they are helping prevent it, and how they are dealing with it when it happens. I would want to see that they had clear goals and policy with both.

It is frustration, so working out what the frustration point(s) is is very helpful.

You always get someone on these threads who says that the parent should just pull the child out of nursery/childcare/preschool if they bite. Presumably these comments come from people who don't work. 'So why are you applying for universal credit?' 'Well, my three year old bit another child so naturally I immediately gave up work'

Quite!

The child also does not learn how to deal with whatever it is that's causing them to behave in that way. There's a chance they might outgrow it, but there's also a chance you'd be kicking the issue down the road until they start school - then there is no 'piling them out' and you've got a bigger problem on your hands. Some people don't seem to grasp that children behave differently in different environments. They could very well be an angel at home or toddler sessions with their parents supervising because it's a completely different setting!

You need a meeting sooner rather than later. Tell them you want the senco to look at him. Even if there is no SEN that will force them to really look at what the triggers are. I'd be asking that for each incident they tell you: what the trigger was, what happened just before, what they said/did as a result, what his reaction to it was. She shouldn't sound annoyed. She needs an action plan. If they can't produce one they're a crap setting and I'd pull him. It's not fair on him or the other kids.

I'd be buying every single social story on amazon about dealing with big feelings of anger etc and how we use our words, walk away etc. They can really help even with 3 year olds. I'd be reminding him before drop off we use our words not our hands, ask the teacher for help etc. Every single time there's an incident I'd be role playing at home how he could have done it better using dolls.

And watch him like a hawk with other kids. Any time he's gentle or shows the tiniest bit of restraint like not snatching when he wants a toy or whatever swoop in with huge amounts of praise. People often forget just how hard restraint is for little kids . Celebrate every little step forward.

How is his language and communication with others outside the family/other children? Has he had his hearing checked too?

Speech with adults is fine, he's not great at talking to other children though which may be part of it.

I have no issues with hearing, he can hear me if I whisper to him, responds etc.

If he gets upset with children on a playdate he will usually come and tell me his frustrations, hopefully if he builds a relationship with them he will do it with them

If he is doing this persistently the nursery need to be observing and keeping records of what is happening around the time of the incident. How is he before it. What exactly happened. What is the environment like. Has something unexpected happened. Is it in a particular space, with particular children or adults nearby or particular toys and activities. How did they deal with it and what happened afterward. Just recording the behaviour isn't enough. If they do need further support they will have been expected to have done all this and without properly looking at the situation they won't be able to sort it out.

It sounds like he is frustrated with the other children - could be communication issues maybe? At that age small children can still be playing alongside other children as opposed to playing with them so he could find the other children a bit of an irritation or not be able to communicate how he feels/what he wants to he used his hands/teeth.

FWIW - one of my nieces was constantly biting other children at kindergarten and my poor sister used to get a stack of slips each day to sign (she was the manager) - and most seemed to be for her kid! The ‘kid’ is now the sweetest, mildest adult going. She thinks it was a communication issue and frustration (plus her older siblings were ruthless with her).

Hi OP!

I'm following your thread as my son starts preschool on Friday and I'm worried about exactly this. he is almost 3 (in about a month) and he is a gorgeous boy but has a short fuse and his first reaction is often to hit, push or on occasion bite. I have a 5 year old daughter who was NOTHING like this. She went to the same preschool and I think they are expecting DS to be an easy kid like she was and they have no idea what's coming to them!!!

I am worried. Like you, we have worked tirelessly to stamp out the behaviour, spoken to the HV, tried a number of different approaches and yet things don't seem to be improving.

I was absolutely mortified when he bit my friends little girl the other day. In his defence, he rarely starts trouble and is actually quite happy to play with other children. But if they annoy him he will retaliate with a response that is disproportionate. So for example, my friends little girl wanted the toy he had so tried taking it from his hand, then grabbed him round the neck. Obviously at this point I'm legging it across the room and before I get there he's bitten down on her arm.

So like previous posters said I think it is important to look at the triggers for the behaviour so they can teach him to respond appropriately. I was really cross/ upset with DS about the bite and he was removed from the room and all toys immediately while we heaped attention on the bitten friend (this was advice from HV). But really... Sometimes I feel for him because he just loses his shit basically and I genuinely don't think he is setting out to be unkind.

I would see if you can meet with his keyworker and set out a plan. Do talk to your HV too - even if not helpful it shows preschool you are being proactive. Let us know how you get on!

So for example, my friends little girl wanted the toy he had so tried taking it from his hand, then grabbed him round the neck. Obviously at this point I'm legging it across the room and before I get there he's bitten down on her arm.

You think that's disproportionate?
The problem there was the girl. While I wouldn't condone the biting, she should learn better behaviour and his was more like self defense.

Which toddler groups are these then? Round by me they aren't open

If he gets upset with children on a playdate he will usually come and tell me his frustrations, hopefully if he builds a relationship with them he will do it with them

this could be the key. Does he know who he goes to to tell his frustrations? Doe she feel like he is in a room full of random people and doens't know where the lines of authority are?
So, encourage him with the name of his key worker. When something is wrong, or you are upset, or someone annoys you, what do you do? Who do you tell? make sure he knows 2 or 3 adults to say it to.