In tears, my 3 year old has been attacking other kids at preschool

[Motherofmonsters]

I just don't know what to do. I've always had trouble with him hitting and pulling hair and I thought we had cracked it. He had pretty much stopped this behaviour.

I've just had a call from preschool to say he's bit another child, keeps pushing over another one and snatching toys.

They're going to keep logging it but I'm so worried that they'll kick him out.

I've said I'll work with them and if there's anything they suggest I do at home I'll do.

I just feel sick about it

He’s 3

He’s not the next Ronnie Kray

No, obviously not, Family Martial Arts is a non contact sport and teaches mainly balance, stamina, team spirit, honesty etc and they start them at four ish

Greengreen just had a look and theres a couple places near me but they don't start until 4. Definitely something to look into when he's older though

All of my kids went through this phase. DS bit the top of another toddlers head once

They are all lovely, confident, normal kids and teens. Not a bully or psychopath amongst them

He’s 3 and has realised he gets a reaction if he does x/y/x. Surely the nursery are used to this kind of behaviour.

Look totally bored, pick him up, say “no, we don’t hit/bite/push” very firmly, place child elsewhere, give hurt child lots of affection and attention. Make bitty child apologise. Rinse and repeat.

Sorry but most children do not do this! Have you considered seeing your doctor? Get a psychologist to see your child?

While they should be helping him with behaviour this is too much? He does not sound ready to be in this setting.

I can never understand why parents continue to send them in while they are relentlessly biting / hitting / pinching other children. It's not fair on the others to be subjected to this. It's not other children's responsibility to be getting bitten and hit so another kid can learn. 'All kids go through this' is definitely not true.

This happens.

DD used to get bitten a lot at nursery and I remember thinking that at least she wasn't biting so it could have been worse.

Then one day a few years later nursery called to tell me DS had been bitten and I thought the same... until a week later they called to say he'd bitten another child.. it was a horrible horrible feeling. He did it 2 or 3 more times before he stopped and I was so upset each time and was so grateful when it stopped.

He's 8 now and never hurt anyone since except by accident when he fell and knocked someone down with him.

I doubt the nursery will chuck him out - it would be such a failure on their part if they can't control a 3 year old - which is part of they're whole reason of being. Please don't cry OP.

A psychologist? For a biting 3 year old. Fuck me mumsnet has eaten itself

@IslaBas
*
DS bit the top of another toddlers head once*

That's awful? If it had of been my toddlers head yours had bitten off you would be looking for your teeth on the pavement!

Sorry but most children do not do this! Have you considered seeing your doctor? Get a psychologist to see your child?

LOOOOL

Bloody hell

Anyway OP, the way I see it, he’s three. He’s basically a baby. He isn’t bad or badly parented. What’s the point of them calling you to relay these incidents, and to make you feel like shit, when they could put just as much effort into monitoring him and intervening before he gets the chance to lash out?

Behaviour is communication. Do you think there’s something about preschool that’s making him unusually stressed and on edge?

So abnormal there are pages and pages of articles devoted to this perfectly NORMAL behaviour.

But let’s worry her even more and tell her her kid needs to see a psychologist

OP just do a search on here, you will find hundreds of posts re the same thing. Don’t cry. Be firm. Be consistent. Be BORED. No reaction, firm NO, apology from child and move on.

In 2 months he’ll be doing something else. Robbing banks maybe?

@FindingNeverland1, clearly you were never taught that hitting isn’t ok. Now go sit on the step 😘

[quote FindingNeverland1]@IslaBas
_
DS bit the top of another toddlers head once_

That's awful? If it had of been my toddlers head yours had bitten off you would be looking for your teeth on the pavement!
[/quote]
I'm pretty sure that @IslaBas's toddler bit the child on the top of their head, not that they bit the other child's head off... Biting is normal if unpleasant, decapitation is not

Have you considered seeing your doctor? Get a psychologist to see your child?

Oh fgs. The child is 3.

Op my child has displayed similar behaviour at times, but I’m still not sure what caused it. Small children do weird things sometimes. So long as his behaviour is consistently corrected at home and in preschool then he will stop it. It’s hard when you feel helpless though, I get that.

I can never understand why parents continue to send them in while they are relentlessly biting / hitting / pinching other children.

You always get someone on these threads who says that the parent should just pull the child out of nursery/childcare/preschool if they bite. Presumably these comments come from people who don't work. 'So why are you applying for universal credit?' 'Well, my three year old bit another child so naturally I immediately gave up work'

During lockdown they may not be able to run classes. But one or two individual tuition when instructor says they are ready might really help.

If you get a good vibe you might even have a chat beforehand with the instructor about your parenting goals. They are shit hot on that sort of support. I loved it. We moved away, otherwise I would be a black belt by now.

Instructor used to say

'black belts don't stay and fight they run'.

very sensible I thought

unless they absolutely have to, of course...

My son was never a biter till he went to school then the spoke to me saying we had a sad day we bit our friend on the shoulder fir not playing i apologised and moved on later I took his shirt off he had teeth marks on him turns out he retaliated

That's awful? If it had of been my toddlers head yours had bitten off you would be looking for your teeth on the pavement!

And you would be in prison. Because, unlike the OP's son, you're not 3 years old.

My DS used to bite and hit a lot, very stressful. It started petering out at 3 and to nothing in reception.

Lolling at an adult judging a THREE year old for hitting but threatening herself!

How do you deal with his behaviour at home?

You say "it's always him" so there must be a pattern of bad behaviour even if he isn't biting at home he must be doing something else??

As a parent I'd be mortified - if i was the parent of the bitten child I'd be raging.

I'm 50/50 whether it's the pre schools job to manage this behaviour - I imagine they have at least other 20 children or more who also need their time/attention - it's the parents job to parent and discipline their child?

@Borderstotheleftofme

Without wanting to sound like an unsympathetic bitch, being the parent of children who have been victims of this sort of thing, if nursery cannot stop your DS hurting other children he should be pulled out, it isn’t fair on the other children.

When my youngest started preschool there was a child there who attacked him, and only him, he went from loving pre school to screaming and crying hysterically every morning trying to run and hide upstairs.
He was non verbal at that point so there was no way of knowing what on earth had happened.
It was only when I started noticing bite marks on his arms that I realised what was happening.

It isn't exactly a bed of roses being the parent of a biter either!

You have no idea why the child is doing it, cannot do anything about it and "pulling them out" isn't really a solution when people have jobs dependant on childcare. A child being targetted consistently, is not the same as a child that bites through frustration.

It is a pretty hopeless feeling being the parent of the child that bites. Mine did it 4 times. She was bitten once herself and hit many times. I have always tried to explain to my daughter why she shouldn't, read books on kind hands etc. But she is a year behind developmentally due to trauma and has a speech delay.

Ivfbeenbusy - when he was younger he would pull hair and hit but we got past it and the behaviour had eased.

It's now started all over again so yes it does feel like it's always him. Out of his friends outside of nursery he was the hitter.

Trust me I don't shrug my shoulders when he does this behaviour

How can the parent supervise when they are at school?

Look what's the point in posting in here if you've no advice or experience and you just want to put the boot in by wanging on about how you'd be "raging" & "knocking out teeth"

Such dickish comments!