I am 90% sure my friend's DD is not her DH's

[SpaceOP]

I have a good friend who I've known for a long time. I love her and consider her a very close friend, but she's also someone who seems all super open on the surface but there's all kinds of stuff going on below.

I have long had my suspicions about her DD. Since she was really very small, I kept being struck by how much she looks like a friend of ours. My friend and her DH are very close to this man, and have been for as long as I've known them. Recently, the man posted a picture of HIS DD who is about 5 years older than my friend's DD and I almost dropped my phone in shock. I showed DH and when looking at the picture, after a few seconds he said, "is that friend's DD from a few years ago?"

I think it's entirely possible she had an affair. I think it's possible her DH knows and has forgiven her EXCEPT that he is still very close with this man which seems odd. So my new theory is that for whatever reason, they asked him to donate sperm.

Obviously, if she wanted me to know, she'd have told me and I'm certainly not going to ask her. Ditto, I would never ever say anything to any mutual friends or even just anyone in real life in case they ever met her/her DH. So I came on here!

Any other ideas on how this might have happened? Affair (known or not) and sperm donation are my main ones. I guess it's possible they used to do threesomes back in the day too (the other man was single until a few years ago but is very attractive).

@CleverCatty

what you could do, if you wanted to know and be sneaky about it - is to get drunk with your 'friend' one night without her DH and DD about and ask a few probing questions.

I actually know someone who did this wanting to find some juicy swinging gossip but it turned out her DH had a very low sperm count, they'd tried IVF etc and their friend had decided to sleep (not use a turkey baster) with the woman a couple of times to father their child. As far as I know everyone was fine with it and the DD was none the wiser. But my friend who wanted to know was curious like you and one day she decided to get her drunk and dig. What she didn't bargain for is the friend was really guilty, embarrassed and cried for ages, she had wondered if anyone knew and was petrified people were talking about her - so it turned her 'friend' who asked ended up feeling sorry for her and had to let her cry on her shoulder for a bit.

Yes, I'd never do this. I know a secret about this friend that really, IMO isn't a big deal. But for her it is. So I have never breathed a word to anyone. It's also why I know that if she was going to tell someone, she'd probably tell me. But she doesn't need to get drunk if she wants to unburden herself and I'm certainly not going to attempt to force the issue. Blimey.

TO a PP who asked if she's a good mum to the little one - she is. Although the little one is now 9! They also have a younger DS and the whole family are fab. Her DH is also a wonderful father and has an amazing relationship with both DC - he's spent a lot of time with them as they both work in quite hardcore jobs but have always shared taking time off/covering when one is travelling/ school pick ups etc.

Lots of people look similar.

There is a little boy at rugby tots who is the spitting image of five year old me, the only vagina my penis has been near is my mothers when she gave birth to me.

As an aside, I did see paternity tests for £4.99 in homebargains!

I reckon they swing.
Exciting!!

I can’t imagine having a close friend who I love dearly but coming on a public forum to gossip about her relationships and more to the point an innocent child’s paternity!

Many parents don't admit to their child being theirs/not being theirs

I was adopted when I was 10 and somehow looked like a young, female version of my adopted Dad. Whenever people met us together they'd comment on how alike we are (I think we're both from Scandinavian heritage - long limbs, very blonde hair and very tall) and my Dad would smile and go "mmm, yes" rather than announce "well she's not mine, I don't know whose she is". I always quite liked it despite us sharing no DNA.

My kids have blue eyes and we have brown. I have red hair. Partner's is black. Both kids have mousy brown. I am pale with freckles and don't tan. My partner is abit healthier coloured but doesn't go that brown. Our son is sporting an amazing tan. My daughter also has a good healthy skin tone. Not what you would expect to come out of my pot lol.

People forget how deeply unpleasant it is be the subject of a nasty, unfounded bitchfest, so I will always take the chance to point out the little malicious glow people get from some spicy speculation could actually really hurt other people.

Yep.

I don’t judge you OP for being curious, I wouldn’t judge you for speculating at home with your partner, I get that you’re not planning to interfere by asking or anything, but I still think starting a thread on mumsnet about it isn’t really being a good friend.

I’d be curious too but I wouldn’t say anything. Yes it’s not your concern but some posters are being ott. Genetics work in weird ways, it could be pure coincidence they look similar or one of the men could be the dad of both children through an arrangement or otherwise. I have a friend whose daughter looks so much like her friends daughter, you wouldn’t believe they aren’t related.
If you’re really dying to know you could always point out ‘X has similar eyes/hair etc to X it’s so pretty’ then wait for her reaction and let us know the outcome

Agreed.

Quote fail earlier.
*Hormonecrazyhell

Everyone saying op being out of order gossiping, i would wonder. If I thought that about my friend I’d want to know too, not about agreed sperm donations etc, but I personally would not be friends with someone who had an affair and then went on to lie to their child about their paternity. It’s a low thing to do. I would not associated with someone with morals like that.

And I’d not associate with someone who made unfounded assumptions and maliciously gossiped like this*

I agree.

How would you even know?

My neighbour's son looks nothing like him. Black man with a blond haired, blue eyed son. I have no doubts about the mother's faithfulness because it's none of my business.

Yes, why are you gossiping about a friend?

Do you not know that gossip is a form of passive aggression?

Sometimes it’s just a coincidence. My dc1 looks identical to my ex boyfriend’s dc to the point several different people have commented on it and they also have the same middle name but we weren’t even in the same country at the time which has put paid to any potential theories there.

There was a child at my youngest's school, who was so alike with my daughter, that both her parents and we, got the pair muddled up. I assure you, no-one had been doing any nefarious wick-dipping. .

It’s aliens. Obviously.

@frankie001

It’s aliens. Obviously.

Aye. The Lizard People have form for this.

Obviously, if she wanted me to know, she'd have told me

That's where you should have left it

@SpaceOP

Maybe it is the friend's, but your friend doesn't know either? As in, she had a casual encounter with the friend shorty before getting serious with her DH, and from that point was convinced that the child could only be DH's? Or had she been married to her DH long enough for that kind of thing to have been an affair?

I'm so grateful that other people have made it clear that it's none of your business. Phew. Absolutely nothing you said in your OP suggested that you already knew that at all.

Who cares?

You said she also has a younger DS. Does that child look like his sibling or does he look like his dad?

@Kettlingur their DS is the spitting image of my friend. It's kind of weird to see his sweet little baby boy face and hers next to each other! .

I do think children's looks can be a weird and random mix from the much wider family.

Neither of my children look at all like me and I don't look like my parents. But I can pick specific features and and see they come from this or that person.

Some people are friends with people who look very similar to each other too and marry people who look similar so I wouldn't put too much store by looks.

Tbh it's more unusual to see a child who looks very very similar to their parents.

I knew a white couple who had one white child and one black. The mother was from Cornwall and the doctors suggested a distant Moorish ancestor. The child was definitely the husbands.

The male friend and the DH are related, and don't know it. I can't believe it took me so long to suggest that, but I currently have exactly the same suspicion about two grown male in-laws. They're both fathers to DPs nieces and nephews, with two of his sisters. The grandmother (on dad's side) to one set of nieces is very welcoming and loving to the other set, when she technically has no reason to be. They all go over to hers for food and drinks and parties. DPs nephew showed me a picture of his dad and other nephew's dad. They look like brothers, and have known each other since childhood.