I am 90% sure my friend's DD is not her DH's

[SpaceOP]

I have a good friend who I've known for a long time. I love her and consider her a very close friend, but she's also someone who seems all super open on the surface but there's all kinds of stuff going on below.

I have long had my suspicions about her DD. Since she was really very small, I kept being struck by how much she looks like a friend of ours. My friend and her DH are very close to this man, and have been for as long as I've known them. Recently, the man posted a picture of HIS DD who is about 5 years older than my friend's DD and I almost dropped my phone in shock. I showed DH and when looking at the picture, after a few seconds he said, "is that friend's DD from a few years ago?"

I think it's entirely possible she had an affair. I think it's possible her DH knows and has forgiven her EXCEPT that he is still very close with this man which seems odd. So my new theory is that for whatever reason, they asked him to donate sperm.

Obviously, if she wanted me to know, she'd have told me and I'm certainly not going to ask her. Ditto, I would never ever say anything to any mutual friends or even just anyone in real life in case they ever met her/her DH. So I came on here!

Any other ideas on how this might have happened? Affair (known or not) and sperm donation are my main ones. I guess it's possible they used to do threesomes back in the day too (the other man was single until a few years ago but is very attractive).

[Youcunnyfunt]

I bet you're not the only one who wonders, if they are as similar as that!

A cousin of mine has a few kids, most of them look like the parents, but one of them is black. No one ever says a word and I don't think her husband cares a jot, but she obviously slept with someone else when they lived in a commune together!

[Anonincase]

This post makes me very sad @SpaceOP people go through tough things, infertility is only one example, but affairs and health problems that prevent conception etc. Honestly, it is not only none of your business but incredibly cruel to speculate and gossip. Work on yourself, leave your friend's private lives alone.

[Lweji]

Apparently he had very distinctive red hair which was obviously a strong gene ...

It's caused by a recessive gene (or rather, alleles).
Both parents need to have one copy, but it may show on neither.

[ivfbeenbusy]

Maybe they stole the baby
Maybe they are in an open marriage
Maybe it was an affair
Maybe their parents had an affair and they are siblings hence the family resemblance

Honestly the list is endless 🤷‍♀️

Obviously makes for a good gossipy mystery - to be honest if she was a close friend id be inclined to show her the photos and say ooh doesn't she look like x daughter they could be sisters! And see what her reaction is?!

[SpaceOP]

@ivfbeenbusy

Maybe they stole the baby
Maybe they are in an open marriage
Maybe it was an affair
Maybe their parents had an affair and they are siblings hence the family resemblance

Honestly the list is endless 🤷‍♀️

Obviously makes for a good gossipy mystery - to be honest if she was a close friend id be inclined to show her the photos and say ooh doesn't she look like x daughter they could be sisters! And see what her reaction is?!

I would never do that because my friend is the type who absolutely would tell me if she had any even vague desire to do so. I know many of her secrets (and her mine) so I am 100% sure that if she isn't saying anything it's either just a crazy coincidence or something that, at most, her, her dh and the friend know. So there's no way I'd say or do anything to try and get her to "spontaneously" tell me.

[Choppedupapple]

I’m in a similar position, have a friend whoms DD looks nothing like the DH, they go to great lengths describing similarities to relatives I’ve not met... I smile and nod but I’m worried that I might blurt something out one day

[CaptainMyCaptain]

It's none of your business.

[Lweji]

My DS had two boys in his class that I always confused. But I'm sure it was just a coincidence.

[DontGoIntoTheLongGrass]

Could be her dh has issues with his sperm so they use their friends sperm instead.

[InDeoEstMeaFiducia]

Get a life.

[Cheeseybites]

My daughter looks nothing like me...absolutely not one bit of her looks like me, not colouring, not facial feature nor body shape,I've been asked if I'm her nanny on more than one occasion...pretty sure she's mine though as I saw her being pulled out of me.

[Hormonecrazyhell]

Everyone saying op being out of order gossiping, i would wonder. If I thought that about my friend I’d want to know too, not about agreed sperm donations etc, but I personally would not be friends with someone who had an affair and then went on to lie to their child about their paternity. It’s a low thing to do. I would not associated with someone with morals like that.

[Bluntness100]

Christ. If this is how you treat your friends how do you treat your enemies op? Openly gossiping about the paternity of her child like this. Encouraging strangers to join in.

Honestly that’s just vile.

[Bluntness100]

@Hormonecrazyhell

Everyone saying op being out of order gossiping, i would wonder. If I thought that about my friend I’d want to know too, not about agreed sperm donations etc, but I personally would not be friends with someone who had an affair and then went on to lie to their child about their paternity. It’s a low thing to do. I would not associated with someone with morals like that.

And I’d not associate with someone who made unfounded assumptions and maliciously gossiped like this

[Quaagars]

And I’d not associate with someone who made unfounded assumptions

Exactly, it's completely unfounded apart from "looks like my mate" I mean WTF!

[SpaceOP]

@Bluntness100

Christ. If this is how you treat your friends how do you treat your enemies op? Openly gossiping about the paternity of her child like this. Encouraging strangers to join in.

Honestly that’s just vile.

Honestly, none of you know me. Or her. Or her DH. Or the friend. Or the DD. And if actually it turns out I'm talking about someone you do know, there's no way to know that I am referring to this family (unless you, yourself, have wondered at some point too).

I'm curious. Can't help it. But don't want to gossip. Hence the joy of an anonymous internet forum.

To be clear, it's not that the DD doesn't look like her parents. It's that she DOES look like the friend. DH swears our DD looks like us but honestly, he's the only person on the planet who does. She looks exactly like all the women in his family. When out with his sister/s or cousins the assumption is that she is theirs. But that's different to if she looked like the sister of my best (male) friend.

[Inaseagull]

This is chat, not AIBU! The OP wouldn't talk about this IRL, so she is here to have a conversation.

[M0mmzee]

Absolutely none of your business. Have you got nothing better to do?

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1]

SpaceOP I hope you don't find me asking but are you employed at the moment?

[BiBabbles]

When I was young, there were a few people who remarked how much I looked like another little girl my age who had won an award & had been in the local paper. This started a rumour about my father which I only overheard a couple times, but it really fucked with my little head.

Never managed to find that paper to see how accurate it was, but I've since seen spitting image dopplegangers who aren't related for at least a few generations & other situations where people seem convinced two people look alike, but others say it's just a few similar patterns but overall not there.

It could be sperm donation, open relationship, affair, they're related generations back, and so on, or it could be complete coincidence or just human pattern recognition.

[SpaceOP]

@NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1

SpaceOP I hope you don't find me asking but are you employed at the moment?

I assume this is because you are thinking that I'm bored and have nothing to do?

But sure, I am in fact. And have been busy. But I'm a grown up so can also spend a few minutes between tasks on MN.

[CJsGoldfish]

All it would take would be one person to recognise you, them or this situation OP and comment to the wrong person. It has the potential to cause a lot of damage to real people and you are so dismissive of that. That's the part that is reprehensible here.

At least you got to amuse yourself and anyone else who wanted to play along.

[Clymene]

What is there to talk about?

[Clymene]

Other than nasty speculation of course

[Cockadoodledooo]

I'd be curious too if I'm honest. Wouldn't do anything about it though.

Although I do think you (one) can see something that isn't there/isn't quite true, but the more you think about it the more you convince yourself it is, and then you can never see it any other way.