I am clearly doing money very wrong in comparison to 90 per cent of my friends.

[ComplexPTSDmaybe]

My new (as of July) monthly take home income is £2580. A rise of £480 (new job that I worked very hard for) Income used to be £2100.

My household bills are £1261.98. Which means I now have £1349.02 for food, petrol and general expenses. I have 3DC's. I am £800 overdrawn. I have slowly got this down from £2600 debit this time last year (thank you lockdown). I do an internet shop weekly that costs about £60. Top ups from farm shop and local coop - prob around £40 per week. Petrol is max £20 per week. My car is 8 years old. My mortgage is reasonable (£460) for a small 3 bed new build. I pay £260 in student loans - my only debt (I have 3 degrees). Only eldest DC and myself have a phone (£50 per month for both).

This summer hols I have taken my DC's to the seaside once, eaten out three times in a pub and two cafes (twice for a birthday, once on day out). We are going on holiday for a week in Ireland, ferry and cheap Air BnB (all paid for). Looking on FB I am do very little in comparison to many - others seem to do lots of eating out, days out, house renovations, garden renovations, new cars, holidays in the UK. Know a fair few of these are on furlough so they will have more opportunity to go out so will seem busier and that is fair.

I think I should be able to afford that level of activity/house/garden improvements with my income but can't seem to stretch it. It seems that stuff always comes up e.g. My dc's birthdays are clustered around this time of year so that is x3 £100 outlay, MOT comes up in summer too £250 ish generally, TV broke so that sets me back. School uniforms in August £250. Then Christmas comes up. I feel like I am always chasing my tail. What am I handling badly? My exH took and handled all the money including my wage so I do feel like I have never really got a grip on it. I really want to start managing my money better - first I want to get rid of the overdraft and feel like the money I earn in a month is mine. Then I would like mine and DC's lifestyle to be a bit better - do more things. My marriage to my ex was awful (broken bones and lots of financial, sexual and psychological abuse). I would like a bit of joy now I am past just surviving. Any ideas?

Ds1 is 17, DS2 13 and DD is 9. They do eat loads!

I think your outgoings are reasonable.
My only one I would suggest looking at is contact lenses. I use vision direct and save a fair amount in comparison to the opticians.

Ah I see! When you say household bills you were covering a lot more than what I mean when I say household bills! There is a lot more than basic bills in there and already some discretionary funding which doesn't therefore all need to come out of the remaining £1300. The £1261 is covering 3 clubs for the kids as well as some costs towards a cat and additional phone costs and leisure activity (netflix). I'm baffled as to why you are giving DVLA cash every month but I'm sure there's a good reason and it's not discretionary. £1300 after all that is paid is pretty good. If it feels tight, perhaps look at where your spending is going in detail and see whether you're really prioritising it in the way that suits you best. Perhaps you can have a more expensive hol if you cut back in other areas?

As someone else said, perhaps also change your perspective to something like

I am able to afford more expensive phones, clubs, contact lenses, a pet, meals out (5 in a few weeks - that is actually quite a lot), fun holidays, repayment mortgage and I'm a single parent who is still paying off student debt and still managing to reduce my overdraft. I'm doing really well!!

BTW you can get tax back on union costs I think - have you applied for that? Every little does help!

Zoo... You're buying things that I can't afford as part of your basic household bills, and I work full-time and don't have debt.

£66 / month on mobile phones? Get rid, go PAYG. Make interned free calls on Skype or WhatsApp.

£50 /months on contact lenses? Get glasses.

£33 / months on BT seems a lot, I realize you may need it for schoolwork but ours is £19/month unlimited, yes it's not amazing speed but it's enough to watch TV, make internet calls etc.

You are paying about £50 a month more than I'd budget for re kids discretionary spending, guitar sub, football, club, even the iPads, we can't afford these, a cheap laptop is good enough, why are you spending £240 /year on ipads?

I know this is all subjective but MN is a bit if a bubble sometimes and not everyone in a full-time working household can afford some of the things on your "basic bill" list. We only just reenabled Netflix and why are you on the highest fee, why not go down to the basic plan?!

a lot of your basic bills are luxurious!

I have to say I think some of your stuff is "luxury" rather than basic.

Basic phones £7.50 per month, basic Netflix, cheaper contact lenses as already said.

If they have iPads why are they having expensive phones??

I'm a single parent and totally get this. I have about the same income but am always on pennies at the end of the month. My bills are HUGE. School uniform this year has cost £500 so far and we still need to get shoes. My two boys are taller than me, size 10 feet so no children's shoes! and everything HAS to be badges. The blazers were £70 alone... my kids are whoppers and I cannot keep up with the rate at which they are growing. They are also different shapes and sizes. Hand me down me simply do not work in our house.

The ipads are through the school scheme. £10 a month covers the device and insurance.

Contact lenses, I will def look into. I just got their contacts through opticians. Netflix is a necessity, I am on the cheapest plan?? 8.99 a month? We don't have an aerial (I can't spend £200 on getting it fitted) so don't have freeview/TV channels. I NEED to watch The Fall

School uniform - DD can have (and does have) generic morrisons uniform. The boys I was heing quiet about as they go to the grammar school so get a kitlist but DS2 does have DS1's hand me downs. It is their shoes, they cost ££££. Their feet are huge and they need black brogue types so I can't really get them cheap supermarket ones. Ebay second hand maybe?

The DS1 will go to football. It is all he has got. The guitar is a monthly payment on the actual instument.

DS2 will go to football I mean.

My phone is expensive (26 quid a month) DS1 has one, 24 quid. Bith contracts. To be fair he was paying for that himself but his part time cleaning job went due to covid. The other DC do not have phones.

Off point maybe, but do you know even if you travel to Ireland by ferry, you are required to restrict your movements in Ireland for two weeks. No touring around. Ireland numbers are creeping up again and UK not on green list for free travel.
There are very few UK registered cars around and the one here stick out and people are not giving the usual tourist welcome.

I am going to Coleraine Thirder.

But.. you're spending £128 a month on phones/BT/Netflix/contracts/iPads...

My bill is buying the phone (£69 PAYG basic smartphone from 3, free internet calling) plus a £250 laptop that's 4 years old, then £19/month broadband, that's basic....
Yours are luxurious!
I thought I was in luxury for re enabling Netflix at 5.99!

@ComplexPTSDmaybe

Are you getting your 10% off every shop at Morrisons?

You sign up with your NHS email, to prove you are staff.

Then download the Morrisons shopping app,

The 10% comes off your online delivery shop, when you checkout - minimum spend £25.00 plus you can use your NHS card instore for your 10% discount.

You get free flowers as well as other stuff

You're not on the cheapest Netflix.

Yes stranger, it is great! We got two free hotpots tonight!

My broadband, phone & line rental is £16 a month - Plusnet.

Netflix is £5.99.

Possible option for shoes
www.marksandspencer.com/derby-shoes/p/clp60449898

DS1 is in 6th Form and needed smart shoes. I was surprised by the price of some options in M&S

Your outgoings seem fine to me. I think starting up the pots will do you the world of good. You can literally open a Monzo account right now- grab your phone, download the app and follow the instructions- mine was ready overnight.

So, I understand how you ended up not getting maintenance when this all started, your ex sounds like a nightmare. But how much does he have the kids? If it's less than half the time I would look at getting the child benefit back and claiming maintenance. Any court order or lack of it only applies for a year before it can be replaced by child maintenance claimed through the government system (I believe). It's not fair that he doesn't contribute towards his own children.

I am not organised enough to have one pot for each thing (birthdays, car repairs etc) but I added up what I expected everything to cost over the course of the year and then divided them by 12 and it all goes into a pot called "short term savings" and then comes back out again as required. I would keep any holiday pot separate as that's totally discretionary.

Chaz and Stranger thanks for the calm, practical recommendations. Exactly what I needed to hear rather than shaming me

Mortgage £460 I’m not good on this area as never owned but that seems ok

Car Tax £13

Car Ins £26 (just reduced this from 38) good you reduced this

Student Loans x3 £260 do you have to be paying them all back at the rate you are? Could you move the debt elsewhere to pay it back over a longer period or something? I’m sure there’s people on mn money boards and MSE that could advise on this

School ipads x2 £20 why on Earth are you paying this?! State school? What’s the situation here?

Phones £50 thats for 2 phones inc cost of the units? I think that’s ok if so for now but soon as the contract is up switch to sim only don’t upgrade until you absolutely have to due to phones can not be updated

Contact lenses x2 £50 i would switch to glasses this is expensive and a luxury in my opinion

Gas & Electric £49 (just changed to pure planet, down from £90) good you got this down and with 4 in the household I think that’s pretty good, but still look at reducing usage wherever you can. Are you on a smart meter?

Water £50 as I say I’m not accustomed to private pricing do others who are think this is ok?

Buildings and contents ins £38 again not a thing I have does this seem ok to others?

Council tax £125

DVLA £14 whats this for?

Life ins £21 seems good but depends what you get for what you pay

Union £22

Cat ins £6

Phone insurance £16 that seems ok to me providing it’s a good no quibble insurer

BT £33 this is high! What are you getting for that? My parents are with bloody BT they seem extortionate to me AND the customer service is shite

Guitar payment for DS1 - 32.50 wow! That’s a lot! Unless he’s a prodigy in the making I’d be rethinking this - plus quite honestly at his age I’d be expecting him to have a part time job and contribute to this if he’s pushing for it

Football subs £12 for one or both boys?

Netflix £9 i think for 4 of you that’s fair enough especially as you’re not paying out for a tv licence which costs more

Chemistry Club £5 that seems a good price to me

It’s the guitar that seems exorbitant!

The ipads are through the school scheme. £10 a month covers the device and insurance. sorry but I think that’s an unnecessary luxury. Please say they at least get to keep them?! Get them android tablets if they must have tablets.

2nd hand shoes are not good for anyone but especially growing feet.

The guitar is for the instrument. Interest free monthly payment. He signed up for it (and the phone) when he earned £260 a month cleaning after school but that job went when the school (not state) closed due to covid. He helps my dad do gardening work but isn't earning enough to cover the £56 monthly commitments...so I have to. They are contracts that I can't break.

I used to wonder how other mums could afford nice houses, expensive clothes and new cars etc. I mentioned this one day and one of the mum's blithely said, "Oh it's all on credit." They were all keeping up with each other. Made me feel much better about not having a pot to piss in! X

BT - just get internet. That is doen from 53.99 I was paying!

It’s the student loan repayment that’s making it tough. Maybe look into buying a secondhand guitar? I have a secondhand iPhone and am with giffgaff- it is £8.50 a month and is fine. Saving/paying off debt as soon as it’s payday is key.
You’ve only just had your pay rise so the benefits will take time to work through. We always used to be poor in September (summer holidays, plus birthdays, plus back to school stuff make it very expensive).

Can your DS pay anything towards his commitments or borrow it from your parents?

I think you need to be brave and tackle the child maintenance issue tbh. You are no longer together, he can't bully you anymore, plus it will stop for the older two soon enough...

Does he have them anywhere near 50:50?