I am clearly doing money very wrong in comparison to 90 per cent of my friends.

[ComplexPTSDmaybe]

My new (as of July) monthly take home income is £2580. A rise of £480 (new job that I worked very hard for) Income used to be £2100.

My household bills are £1261.98. Which means I now have £1349.02 for food, petrol and general expenses. I have 3DC's. I am £800 overdrawn. I have slowly got this down from £2600 debit this time last year (thank you lockdown). I do an internet shop weekly that costs about £60. Top ups from farm shop and local coop - prob around £40 per week. Petrol is max £20 per week. My car is 8 years old. My mortgage is reasonable (£460) for a small 3 bed new build. I pay £260 in student loans - my only debt (I have 3 degrees). Only eldest DC and myself have a phone (£50 per month for both).

This summer hols I have taken my DC's to the seaside once, eaten out three times in a pub and two cafes (twice for a birthday, once on day out). We are going on holiday for a week in Ireland, ferry and cheap Air BnB (all paid for). Looking on FB I am do very little in comparison to many - others seem to do lots of eating out, days out, house renovations, garden renovations, new cars, holidays in the UK. Know a fair few of these are on furlough so they will have more opportunity to go out so will seem busier and that is fair.

I think I should be able to afford that level of activity/house/garden improvements with my income but can't seem to stretch it. It seems that stuff always comes up e.g. My dc's birthdays are clustered around this time of year so that is x3 £100 outlay, MOT comes up in summer too £250 ish generally, TV broke so that sets me back. School uniforms in August £250. Then Christmas comes up. I feel like I am always chasing my tail. What am I handling badly? My exH took and handled all the money including my wage so I do feel like I have never really got a grip on it. I really want to start managing my money better - first I want to get rid of the overdraft and feel like the money I earn in a month is mine. Then I would like mine and DC's lifestyle to be a bit better - do more things. My marriage to my ex was awful (broken bones and lots of financial, sexual and psychological abuse). I would like a bit of joy now I am past just surviving. Any ideas?

[sansou]

Btw, I love travel and eating out so it is a sacrifice for us not to do so, I’ve always viewed them as luxuries though and would not choose to go or remain in debt to service those.

[Swelteringmeltering]

Yes, the only way is to put small amounts each month for the larger expenses.

Start now for next year. 20 a month for bdays. Even if its not enough, you'll have some ££ to ease the burden next year.

Same with car. Have a car fund. Add up mot, tax and insurance, ÷ 12 and put that away each month. Again, the relief when you can pluck saved up £100s at the time you need it.
Xmas. Put a££ each month for Xmas.
Rather than saying... We want to spend 40 a week on fun.

Work out what you can afford to spend on fun.
Your shopping budget is the same as mine.
Shopping food is our biggest outlay.

Kids clothes. Again... Have a separate fund each Month.

We have two funds for the dc. One I pay tutors, lessons from. The other is for school meals, clothes.
We have bday funds. Xmas funds. Holiday funds.
Petrol!
Weekend money.
It's all divided right down.

Holidays..
Obviously hard at the moment but each year, usually in January and then July ish, youth hostel associations do 25% off.
You can get private family rooms..
En suite bathroom.

Some places are so gorgeous. Look at Hartington Hall Derbyshire. It's beautiful. People do get married there!
There's also great hostel in Stratford upon Avon and swanage, Brighton. Some are nicer than others of course but it's a very cheap easy holiday. Food is cheap there and you can self cater.

Anyway, each month, our wages fly out into different funds in all directions!
They build up over time and it's a great comfort to have, when £400 car bill hits us... At least £200 in our car fund to break that bill. Good luck op.
It took us a year to get going with our funds.

[Twillow]

YANBU - I have a similar income and have to be utterly on top of things to afford any extras. Rarely eat out, buy clothes for myself, holidays are staying with friends or cheap Air BNB, even haircuts are occasional.
Menu planning definitely helps me not buy random food and top ups.
I do manage to save £250 a month as a back up, so I know it's there for car insurance, appliance breakdowns etc. It's tough but like you I am now free of abuse and the thrill of independence outweighs my previously better financial situation!

[Thneedville]

Sorry to add something not relevant to your question - when are you going to Ireland (or do you mean you usually do?) - you might want to check if they still require arrivals from U.K. (NI exempt) to quarantine on arrival in Ireland. Last time I looked that was the case.

[Holothane]

Any luxuries 9m now using a pot to save it in, this silk underwear things that love so I save and can enjoy Christmas is this as well. We’ve had a lot of knockbacks this year but we’re starting again.

[FannieMae84]

It sounds like you’re doing brilliantly.

i really don't think that's helpful. OP is spending a LOT of her income on food for the people in her house, not bugeting at all for known non-monthly costs (isn't that a basic part of financial management, i mean, we all have to learn it, but it's real basics 101 stuff), has quite high (albeit unknown details about) her "household bills" and is consistently 800+ in debt every month despite earning a v good single income and having low housing costs, no savings buffer for emergencies.

That is not doing brilliantly. OP needs to read some of the real, real basic financial management advice that's been offered here and start to action it.

Telling her she's doing brilliantly is not helpful, especially when the OP herself knows she needs to do better.

Fortunately, a lot of the practical steps should be straightforward e.g. YNAB, the idea of sorting £s into "pots", reassessing utilities, other deals like broadband/mobile packages, stopping those £40/week "top up shops" that are akin to someone in a similar position's "main" shop, etc etc etc

[Sunnyhopefulness]

I think you just need to set up a savings account that you can sweep a sum of money over to every month to cover birthdays Christmas holidays and a safety net

[ThistledownAndCobweb]

Also (completely illogical, and doesn't make me extra money but it's a mental lift for me) I have a few unnecessary/frivolous savings pots - for example I've been putting £15 a month into a new coat fund.
I don't need a coat, but I'd like one - there is £150 in there now and I find it comforting to know that if I needed to I could take that money out for a more important thing.

As previous posters have said, it takes time to build up savings pots but it is very motivating and once you start to see them accumulating it is a great feeling

[PickAChew]

I think the fact that you are paying down a big overdraft means that you have less flexibility than you might for discretionary spends. Assuming you're reducing it by an average of £150 per month, then that will make a big difference to your day to day finances, once you are no longer paying it off. Whatever you can tweak, now, to make cash flow easier, you should put most of that into some rainy day savings, once you have it available.

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

OP, you're not handling it badly, you're doing brilliantly - you are singlehandedly providing your children with everything they need, as well as succeeding in slowly reducing your debts. You need to give yourself more credit! I will never be in a position to earn the salary that you do, so bloody well done for that achievement! You just need a few tweaks and that's easily done.

Your bills seem excessive but it's not really clear what you're including as bills. To me, it's anything absolutely essential to do with keeping a roof over your head that goes out each month. So, mortgage & insurances, council tax, water, gas, electricity, landline/broadband. Always shop around for all utilities and if you're on a mortgage deal then when the deal ends don't just go on the default rate that it goes to, have a look at what could save you money. Shop around for all insurances as they will all royally rip you off if you just autorenew. It's a pain having to swap and change. I don't know why it has become this silly system, years ago your customer loyalty counted for something.

Supermarkets have behaved disgracefully IMO during lockdown and used the excuse of panic buying to get rid of their BOGOF offers. My food bill has gone up a LOT and the difference is more than just extra food for lunches for the DC. So, if you can I would switch to Aldi or Lidl and you should save about a third. Farm shops are bloody expensive, although nice, and sometimes the easier option if you're very rural. I'm not sure if you meal plan but that saves a LOT of money.

A few years back I wasn't working for a couple of years and we had a lot less money coming into the house than you have now (similar mortgage but one less DC than you). We never went on many trips out at all unless they were free. If we went to an aquarium or something it was always with tesco vouchers, we used that as the DC's birthday treat and we always took a picnic rather than eating the overpriced and yucky food in those places.

Social media is not good, look at it less and take things with a pinch of salt as you don't know what their financial situation is really like. I've seen some individuals thinking they have to plan something reasonably exciting for every day of the school holidays. Posting photos of what they've been doing and then complaining "well, we've done X Y and Z, how the hell am I going to keep them entertained for the last 2 days of the week." Funny how this never happened in previous generations yet we all seemed to grow up ok.

[Tumbleweed101]

I’m a single parent and your income is far higher than mine so you should be able to make it work.

Work out all your housing costs such as rent/mortgage and council tax etc. Then essential utilities. Check if you can get those cheaper. Then all car related costs - I work out a monthly budget to cover MOT, tax, insurance and put it aside. Any other essential household costs like insurances. After that essentials such as food - this is an area that can be more flexible. Then debts and other outgoings. Once everything you need to pay a month is taken out that’s what you have left. Take out some a month for bdays and Xmas and put aside. Most importantly, from the figure you get left put some into savings. The rest is free to spend.

[OhTheRoses]

I think the op is doing brilliantly. She just needs a bit more help. £100pw on food for 4 is pretty good imo. It's absolutely brilliant to work full-time, 3 DC, get promoted and be a survivor from a very abusive relationship. I think the op is awesome.

I use the Monzo philosophy in my own way. Sainsbury's gift card with a monthly payment on it for Xmas, account for Xmas, birthday presents, account for my clothes, account for cat and car, account for the standing orders so what's left in my bank account is mine to spend.

At first I thought £250 per year was a lot but thought it through: shoes, trainers easily £90 each child, coat easily £50, add in tights, socks, trousers, etc, and it isn't far off.

I think you are doing brilliantly op. I also think the fakery on FBook reeks. I know two people in v unhappy marriages - their FB posts do not represent their reality.

[Thecobwebsarewinning]

You seem to be managing well if you can afford the occasional holiday or treat but I agree that budgeting for everything is very reassuring. Include obvious things like fuel, utilities and clothes but also things like opticians, car costs, dentists, Christmas, haircuts, holidays, birthday presents and cards for your own DC as well relatives and schoolmates parties etc etc. Tot up how much everything will cost over a year, divide it by 12, round it up a bit and then set those amounts aside every month. What’s left is what you have for food and fun. After 3/4 months the amount in each pot starts to add up and the feeling of reassurance that you have everything covered is immense. If you can squeeze out a few quid a month for a savings pot that would be even better.

[Rhubarb4Custard]

I’m sorry I don’t have any advice OP - I’m struggling too.

But wondering where you live that your mortgage is only £460 per month for a 3-bed new build? Think I need to move to where you are (and figure out how to make a living there)

[Blackcurrant66]

Monzo is great for seeing exactly where your money is going and putting cash into savings pots.

Do you have to pay the student loans in full? It seems like a lot. You’re usually only liable for 6 or 9% of any income over £1600 a month

[sitckmansladylove]

Firstly I think you are doing fantastic. 3 kids and a holiday in Ireland. You've saved over 2 grand !!! Don't beat yourself up.
I earn a decent income but only shop and Lidl or aldi. I wouldn't top up st the same shop or local shops if I could get away with it. 100 is a lot for birthdays (but understandable)
I tend to go out with dc to free or cheap places and like you occasional coffee shop etc.
I think you are on the way to getting rid of the 800 overdraft. I have prepay phone and only ever stick a tenner in. I buy shoes in the sale (not dc I get them good shoes but uniforms from also and tesco)
We have pasta and pesto once a week and I don't have the magic chicken trick 50 dinners drink one chicken- no can do!!! But I try and buy the saver fruit and veg.

[CantSleepClownsWillEatMe]

@FannieMae84 Surely you can see that the comments about OP doing brilliantly are in the context of all she’s outlined in her opening post?

She’s come out of an abusive relationship where she didn’t have any control of finances so yes, she has to learn the “basic 101” stuff as you put it. She’s slowly clearing an overdraft but other than her mortgage and student loan doesn’t mention any other debt so she’s not exactly made a balls of providing for herself and her dc. Really no need for such a high handed, lecturing tone.

Oh and £100 a week grocery shopping for a family of four doesn’t represent a LOT of her income. I know on MN people are obsessed with spending as little as possible on food but in RL £100 isn’t excessive.

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

Oh, and you definitely need different bank accounts to operate as different things. Set up an account that's just for monthly direct debits to come out of, and get all your bills paid from there. Transfer enough into it each month as soon as you get paid. We also had a separate current account which we called "Car" and we put enough in there each month to cover insurance, annual service/MOT, petrol and a bit extra each month to cover unexpected things like if you need a tyre repair cos of a nail or something. You could also have a "Children" account to cover their yearly expenses like birthdays, Christmas, school shoes, uniform etc. Just transfer some money into it as soon as you get paid.

Set a monthly budget for food once you are happy with an amount where it doesn't feel like you're totally miserable scrimping on the cheapest rubbish all month and don't go over it or be tempted to borrow from "next month's food allowance". If you think you're going to go over budget, then have some very cheap meals eg baked potato with cheese & salad, or pasta pesto or carbonara for the last few days each month.

You're obviously going to have to factor in paying off your overdraft bit by bit when totting up your budget, but as soon as that is paid off then there is your extra money for "treats".

If it were me, I would only ever do something "treat"-like if there was still money left to do it at the end of the month just before you get paid. It is hard to deny yourself when you see other people out and about doing all sorts of nice things, but don't be tempted to think "oh, it's just this once" or "I've had a shit week, I'm going to take us all out to dinner to cheer myself up". Don't even be tempted to do this if you have money off vouchers. You're still spending money out that you wouldn't otherwise have spent, even if you have vouchers!

The sacrifices will be worth it until that overdraft is paid off and then you can use that "spare money" on treat stuff or to put aside for a household improvement.

Definitely look at ditching those expensive phone contracts. Don't upgrade, except when your phone just doesn't run the software anymore after a good few years. So many people automatically upgrade every time they're offered, I can't understand it! I pay hardly anything on giffgaff, same for DS1 and DH. I have an Iphone 6S, it's fine.

[Standrewsschool]

@swelteringmeltering - The Stratford YHA is gorgeous, like a stately home.

[sitckmansladylove]

Meant to say I save a good 50 to 100 a fortnight. Easily. Just by cutting out silly things. Using own brand and picking up Lego set on local Facebook page or whatever. I have a lot of outgoings but it's worth cutting back. Don't worry about other people. Some get help and some might have credit cards to the max. Some people struggle to put beans on toast on the table.

[SonjaMorgan]

OP I think more people than you would realise are struggling. Most of my friends have borrowed for everything they own and don't have any savings.

There will be an app or system that works for you. First you need to track a whole months expenditure. When I was in debt I was surprised to find how much I spent at the local corner shop and still don't trust myself to shop in them now. I would go in for a loaf of bread and buy a magazine, can of coke and bar of chocolate.

There is lots of information online about how to reduce your bills by cancelling or switching providers. I had sky TV with the movie package for years but haven't missed it since I cancelled.

When I come to grocery shopping I find bulk buying when deals are on saves me a lot of money. I also stock up my freezer with yellow stickered items and have used the app "too good to go" with some success.

We save all year round for birthdays and Christmas. I enjoy Christmas so much more now. We don't spend a massive amount on the DC but make it special doing free/cheap things together.

[fwwaftp]

Lots of great advice on here.
I'd just like to add that you shouldn't believe everything you see on social media. People paint the best picture of their lives. You don't know if they are also overdrawn or if the home improvements are financed on credit cards or added on to the mortgage. Try to ignore and just concentrate on yourself and what you are doing.

[Swelteringmeltering]

We didn't even use apps. Literally draw left over the money from bills out in cash and divide it all up into separate envelopes!.
Each week, pull the envelope.

Yes op... Your doing brilliantly. Tiny bit if fine tuning over a year and this time next year... You'll be looking at healthy bday money pot accumulated. Healthy Xmas pot.... Etc etc.

[PiataMaiNei]

What's your total income? I'm guessing you get child benefit too on that salary, so that takes you just below £2800. Do you get maintenance too? If not, tbh £2800 for four people isn't likely to be enough to cover new cars and household renovations even with a small mortgage. Wasn't when we were doing it a few years back, and we didn't have debt to repay.

That's not to say you can't and shouldn't manage your finances better- you absolutely should go through and make sure you're on the most suitable deals etc. But, well, the lifestyle you describe is probably going to cost more than you currently have. Probably most of your friends are two income households? That inevitably makes a difference.

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

@Swelteringmeltering, that's a bit old fashioned, using envelopes, now there's the technology available to do the same thing. And we should be using minimal cash in these covid times so not a great idea at the moment.