I am clearly doing money very wrong in comparison to 90 per cent of my friends.

[ComplexPTSDmaybe]

My new (as of July) monthly take home income is £2580. A rise of £480 (new job that I worked very hard for) Income used to be £2100.

My household bills are £1261.98. Which means I now have £1349.02 for food, petrol and general expenses. I have 3DC's. I am £800 overdrawn. I have slowly got this down from £2600 debit this time last year (thank you lockdown). I do an internet shop weekly that costs about £60. Top ups from farm shop and local coop - prob around £40 per week. Petrol is max £20 per week. My car is 8 years old. My mortgage is reasonable (£460) for a small 3 bed new build. I pay £260 in student loans - my only debt (I have 3 degrees). Only eldest DC and myself have a phone (£50 per month for both).

This summer hols I have taken my DC's to the seaside once, eaten out three times in a pub and two cafes (twice for a birthday, once on day out). We are going on holiday for a week in Ireland, ferry and cheap Air BnB (all paid for). Looking on FB I am do very little in comparison to many - others seem to do lots of eating out, days out, house renovations, garden renovations, new cars, holidays in the UK. Know a fair few of these are on furlough so they will have more opportunity to go out so will seem busier and that is fair.

I think I should be able to afford that level of activity/house/garden improvements with my income but can't seem to stretch it. It seems that stuff always comes up e.g. My dc's birthdays are clustered around this time of year so that is x3 £100 outlay, MOT comes up in summer too £250 ish generally, TV broke so that sets me back. School uniforms in August £250. Then Christmas comes up. I feel like I am always chasing my tail. What am I handling badly? My exH took and handled all the money including my wage so I do feel like I have never really got a grip on it. I really want to start managing my money better - first I want to get rid of the overdraft and feel like the money I earn in a month is mine. Then I would like mine and DC's lifestyle to be a bit better - do more things. My marriage to my ex was awful (broken bones and lots of financial, sexual and psychological abuse). I would like a bit of joy now I am past just surviving. Any ideas?

[LightgreenBanana]

The only I saw were your mobiles. Change to Giffgaff

[LightgreenBanana]

Saying that, we’re not going on holiday, that’s a big expense.

[Yamashita40]

Our mortgage is 600 a month because we are currently on a crap deal, but in a couple of months it will go down to 380pm. Are you definitely on the best deal?

I echo pots to help you budget. I have a Halifax account with loads of linked saving pots and at the beginning of every month, transfer enough for food, enough for petrol, some for my personal savings (we also have joint savings). Then throughout the month I can look at my pots and think there's only so much in the food pot so I'll go to Aldi instead of Tesco. We've also started having a no shop week where we use what we have in the house. Yeah it may lead to some odd combinations and my eldest son isn't keen on it but it reduces food waste and keeps our food bills low.

[ComplexPTSDmaybe]

Sorry, I was trying not to drip feed in my post and detailing my mortgage cost as seperate made it look like that wasn't included but it is. My bills, inc mortgage are £1261.98. I live in Yorkshire, very rural but cheap! I got to buy a keyworker house near to my workplace as I work for NHS

I do not get maintenance (long story short, I was too scared and he bullied me in the divorce so financially screwed over there). I get child benefit for two dc's, he made me sign over the youngest DC'S to him.

I have just switched all my bills using money supermarket. Phones are new contracts. I think by using the pots method I might get there. I am all over the shop at the moment, it comes in and I have no idea where it goes tbh. I have definitely over compensated for the DC and since leaving ExH I went to uni to do an MSc so just did P/T jobs there and built up my overdraft, then was on a band 4, then band 5 etc so since 2017 I have been on a low income BUT now I need to get my head out of my arse and be a grown up about my finances instead of just stressing out. You have all been so helpful. I am doing well emotionally and practically but I do need a kick up the arse with my finances. I think my student loans should be paid off in next 5 years. As pp said, that will make a massive difference.

[inthebleakmidwinteriwouldsing]

A hell of a lot of people are in debt.

That said, I'm not and I'm able to afford nice things most of the time. I recommend checking out YNAB (You Need a Budget). It's honestly changed my life when it comes to money. I always thought I was 'good' with money but this is next level.

[inthebleakmidwinteriwouldsing]

This is YNAB that a few of us have raved about: www.youneedabudget.com/

They are incredibly nice, too. I've emailed with them a few times and you always get a friendly, helpful and personal reply.

There's a YouTube channel too if you want to get more of a feel for it.

I don't own shares, it's just brought me so much financial peace of mind!

[Graphista]

Firstly - Don't compare yourself to others based on likely incorrect assumptions about their salary/income. They could have an inheritance or prize win that you don't know about, family might be helping them out, most people don't advertise such things, they could also be up to their ears in debt!!

As a newlywed I became very envious of our new next door neighbours who even though she only worked part time, and he was on same salary as my then husband (both army so we knew) seemed to be living a much better lifestyle than us. All new furnishings for their house, out every weekend, 2 holidays a year and I couldn't understand how they were doing so well when even with me working full time we were just about managing, had 2nd hand and army furniture, went out once a month, only managed a long weekend city break for our 1st anniversary to a city not very far away. Then one evening she came around to mine in pieces! Her husband had been hauled over the coals at work because they'd incurred a ccj and he'd ended up disciplined and his promotion prospects damaged because of the debt they were in!! I ended up helping her work out a budget! She started asking me where I shopped to get nice but not expensive clothes etc - you just don't know.

[SwordBilledHummingbird]

Are you willing to share a breakdown of your bills? It still sounds high even including mortgage.

[Graphista]

You're not budgeting for the non-monthly things

essentially this, I used to make the same mistake myself.

Just me and dd most of my adult life but single mum on a tight budget for all of that.

Dds birthday is a few weeks after Christmas and her first few years I let it catch me out.

I've now learned:

Budget for EVERY predictable expense throughout the year on a monthly basis. BUT first of all you need to acknowledge/accept that you can only spend what you HAVE not what you wish you had so...

First list ALL essential outgoings I do this in order of priority as I think it helps form the right mindset. So:

Rent/mortgage
Council tax
Water (I'm in Scotland so this is part of council tax here as not privatised)
Gas/electricity
House/contents Insurance
Groceries
Transport
Clothes & shoes
Phone/broadband
Tv licence
Mobile phone
Debts
Haircuts (I cut my own for a number of reasons, money is just a small one)
Streaming services
Subscriptions
Hobbies & interests/socialising

Then create a spreadsheet to plan ahead and to track spending. My parents always kept a “cash book” using double entry bookkeeping a spreadsheet is much easier. There are loads of apps for budgeting too but you DO have to be very good at entering the right info and keeping them up to date. They’re only as good as your use of them.

I do the “pots” thing too but mentally rather than physically with the exception that I have a separate savings account for certain items. Dds birthday being just after Christmas I quickly learned it was best to set aside monthly for those then as she got older realised I needed for other things too. Eventually I got in the habit of setting a sum aside into that account each month.

What I saved jan-jun was for school summer holidays expenses (dd was fsm most of her school life so extra was needed for food, plus little luxuries like ice cream from Van, swimming trips, cinema trips...) and back to school costs (again we got some help for this but it didn’t cover all costs). Then I’d start again and what I saved jul-Dec was for Christmas and dds birthday - made life SO much easier doing it this way.

[Graphista]

Then you’re into the nitty gritty of being money savvy, money saving expert is great for this.

But just off top of my head as it were:

Shop around and HAGGLE with your suppliers. They’ll charge you as much as you’re fool enough to pay to be honest.

Rent/mortgage, council tax and tvlicence are fixed - EVERYTHING else is up for negotiation and adjustment.

Water - as well as shopping around adjust your usage. Reuse water around the house eg water used for cooking can be used to water plants, there are ways to reduce how much water you use for flushing, bathing etc

Gas/electricity - again as well as shopping around (money saving expert site has an energy club to help you keep on top of switching at the right time) reduce usage, efficient use of appliances, and I bet your dc are buggers for not turning off lights and switches?

Groceries - shop and cook more efficiently and frugally, use up leftovers, cook to make best use of stocks, learn how to extend the life of foods. In terms of non foods supermarkets are generally the MOST expensive shops for cleaning products and toiletries. You’re usually better off getting these products in places like wilko, home bargains, b&m, bargain chemists etc Are you top up shopping because you’re running low on perishable essentials like bread and milk? If so

1 plan to buy more of these if you have the storage - perhaps Declutter so you can manage this? I am also a little bit of a prepper (was SO glad when the panic buying hit!) and I have crates in the bedroom where I store ambient, non food items like cleaning products and toiletries.

2 get long life milk and store a loaf in the freezer? So you’re not tempted to “pop in” just to get a pint and then end up spending on stuff you didn’t really need! Remember supermarkets and even corner shop franchise heads spend £100,000’s on experts whose sole job is to make people “just popping in” to buy things they weren’t intending to.

Are the kids being locusts? Perhaps they’re eating more than you’re anticipating and you need to revise shopping habits to provide filling but cheap and healthy items? Teens are bottomless pits!! My Dd is extremely slim, not a big eater in comparison to her peers and yet since she left home I’m spending 2/3 less on food!

As pp said - another MSE tip - experiment with dropping brand levels too, if you use Hellman’s mayo drop to supermarket own, if you use supermarket own drop to budget. If you really don’t like it then go back up a brand. Personally I can’t abide budget cereal but I’m fine with supermarket own, I only use fairy original liquid but I never pay full price but buy the biggest pack when on offer only, but I’m fine with budget beans, tinned fruit and veg, Passata etc

Cook from scratch inc sauces they’re dead easy most of them and healthier too.

Transport - as you drive, learn to drive efficiently, most people don’t! Again loads of tips on money saving expert and also AA and RAC and other motoring sites teaching you how to drive to reduce fuel consumption, also car maintenance is essential to maximise fuel economy and reduce mot costs. Don’t go to commercial garages to get mot there’s council mot centres and they’re less likely to find stuff “wrong” because they won’t profit from unnecessary repairs. Have a good rough idea of what your mot and any likely repairs are going to be and set aside a sum EVERY month ready for it. Shop around and haggle hard for insurance, be well informed and you’re less likely to get shafted! Which frankly it sounds like you currently are being unless car is an old banger - and there comes a point with every car where it’s no longer worth holding on to if it’s costing too much in repairs/maintenance/inefficient fuel use.

Clothes and shoes - make the most of sales and special offers. I am now in a habit of having a running list on my phone (this came about because I was forever buying tops but running short on bottom half items, plus when i was shopping for dd I kept a note of her current size and what she was needing so if I spotted something in a sale I knew it was genuinely a bargain) of what I need. The style & beauty people would probably be horrified but I now know and stick to the styles and colours I know

A suit my shape and colouring

B will easily go with most of the rest of my wardrobe in terms of style and colour

BE HONEST about what you will wear and get use out of. Eg I love shoes and especially heels but I’m a 5’2” dumpy 48 year old. 6 inch sling backs are NOT something I will wear more than once!

Be practical and if you aren’t already skilled in these areas seriously consider learning and/or adapting - eg make do and mend - before chucking an item of clothing can it be salvaged? Learn how to deal with stains. A lost button, loose hem etc is really no reason to Chuck these are easily fixed, even if it means wundaweb and asking someone else to sew a button on (but ask nicely and return the favour!) I’m pretty adept at most things but struggle replacing zips on jeans due to the fabric - find out your best local alterations place and become their best customer! As I said also a short arse so I’ve also used such places to shorten some skirts and trousers (depending on style and fabric it can be more complicated than simply taking up the hem), dd has also learned over the years to customise and adapt things. She has amazed friends at times with stained tops dyed black, and particularly the time she “cannibalised” 2 wrecked jackets to create one good one. Get insoles for shoes to prolong their life, not wearing the same ones every day also does this. Look after them - polishing doesn’t just keep them clean it keeps them intact! Watch where you’re stepping! But IF there’s an issue before discarding take to a repair place - you’ll be AMAZED what they can salvage! When I used to wear heels regularly I’d get every new pair reinforce with metal protectors. These places are also able to repair bags, belts, jewellery...

Buy out of season! Even for dc on basics. I didn’t pay full price for a winter coat for Dd until she was into teens. Get swimsuits and sandals in jan sales, get winter coats, tights and boots in the Easter sales WAY cheaper and as an adult your size rarely changes much if at all, certainly shoe size rarely changes.

A few years ago I gave up buying “fancy” socks and mine are all black now so interchangeable so if lost or holes appear you’re not “losing” both - dd preferred white so all hers were white. Nobody notices anyway!

Phone/broadband - always shocks me how much people pay for this! I’m under £20 a month and have perfectly good service (I’m online almost all the time inc when asleep as I stream tv or have radio on to sleep to) this and good customer service too - plusnet. You may need a more expensive supply than me with 3 Dc but I’ll bet you can get it cheaper than you are currently

Mobile phone - I really think having the latest model is a waste of money. I’m an iPhone fan but when I “upgrade” I still only get the oldest model still being sold as new. BUT I also believe in PROTECTING my phone - I look after it! I ALWAYS have a case and protector on it, never have it near water or steam, don’t place it anywhere precarious etc I also believe in good quality insurance which IS worth paying for. I use Tesco, when I was also covering dd (who isn’t anywhere near as careful!) they were always so quick and no quibble with claims.

Because I look after my phones they last well beyond the contract for the unit so I switch to a sim only as soon as I can - this can be as cheap as £7.50 a month. Frankly if it weren’t for “planned obsolescence” (seriously look it up it’ll piss you off) I would still be using an iPhone 4!!

Debts - an overdraft is usually (especially now the rules have changed!) the most expensive and hardest debt to climb out of! Horrible things! Again - money saving expert! You may well be better off switching the debt to a 0% credit card or other loan - definitely look into this in more depth. I never allow myself to have an overdraft facility on my account and set alerts so my bank notifies me if funds are low and regularly monitor my account through the app- it’s so easy nowadays.

Haircuts - as I say I cut my own and cut dds when she was still home too. We’ve both had horrible experiences with hairdressers though so we prefer that. Dd now has her hair done by a friend who is a hairdresser but knows her and what her issues are (we both have curly hair which most hairdressers are crap with, Dd also has a disability so the chairs/sinks are uncomfortable for her and she can’t sit for long periods so needs to “stretch her legs” at points so when her friend does it they basically make an afternoon of it and dd takes a break after each “section” and they’ll just hang out, chat, have a cuppa etc). On the rare occasions I have bothered with a hairdresser quite honestly I’ve found the “old lady” ones are cheapest and better at listening!

Streaming services, hobbies etc - depending on what you use shop around, track down vouchers/loyalty offers, haggle where you can, learn where hobby items are sold on 2nd hand etc most clubs/societies like to help members out and be environmentally conscious now by passing on old clothes and equipment.

Be a savings hound - try and avoid paying full price for ANYTHING but especially luxuries like eating out.

Get loyalty cards for EVERY shop you buy from and keep an eye on the offers and use the ones that are suitable for you, banks often have similar schemes. I’m with hbos and they do an everyday offers scheme where you sign up and get cashback from collaborating companies - the current companies I have available are with: simply cook, sky, amazon kindle, Harvey nicks, lakeland, five guys...

When I used to take dd to places like pizza hut for a treat I never went unless we had a voucher of some kind, these places almost always have some kind of offer or voucher available.

“it comes in and I have no idea where it goes” there are apps for tracking spending - you have to be conscientious with it the way I found easiest was to get a receipt for EVERYTHING I bought even if it was just a can of soda, put straight in my purse then each evening go through the receipts and transfer info to app.

We’ve ALL made mistakes at times with finances but you can get to grips with this.

[AutumnLeavesSeptember]

Yes to the mobile banking thing. I have Monzo and it's been transformational. First time we've managed to stay in budget ever. It gives you such a fine-grained overview of your spending and makes the little frittery things so easy to avoid.

Good luck with the rest of your overdraft.

[RandomMess]

Stuff your Ex unless you share the DC 50:50 overnights still go to the CMS, if they are with you most of the time claim the CB for your youngest and let him try and contest it!

[DistinguishedCarrot]

I had thought that £800 for household bills sounded a lot until I added up mine and they came to £735 for just two of us!!

I think the Monzo thing would work great for you OP - concentrate on saving "pots" for things that you know are coming up/rainy day money and try not to compare yourselves with others. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors. I had one friend that looked like they were doing well for themselves until they nearly lost their house because of unpaid bills.

Get yourself over to MoneySavingExpert too and have a read of some of their pages. There's loads of information out there.

The important thing in all this is that you've recognised that you need to do more and don't want to get in to any more debt. You'll be providing your DC with an excellent lesson in money management in the process too, so don't feel bad about it.

[category12]

You need to put a bit aside each month for presents, Xmas and replacing appliances/emergencies/car repairs. Then when these things come up you're not caught on the hop every time and have at something towards the costs.

[VioletCharlotte]

Are all your friend married or with a partner? Having two salaries makes a huge difference. You earn a good amount and enough to live comfortably, but not enough for the extra, high-spend things like garden renovations, etc.

Also, as others have said, some will be living off credit, some will have received inheritances, everyone's situation is different.

Try not to compare yourself with others, you're doing great!

[bustybetty]

We are the same as you. Hubby has a good job (50K) I HAD a good job (25K) and we have 4 teens - eldest now working full time. We are the same as you. Mortgage is £500 a month (we over pay a little) and we literally have nothing left. I coupon everywhere, we only eat out if we have a cheap deal and we are always out of money at the end of the month. My car is a 54 plate (old) and hubbys is a 14 plate bought and paid for 2nd hand last year. We only have the mortgage to pay other than normal expenses.

I have friends who live on credit. My only explanation is that they always get bank of mum and dad to come to the rescue. Both sets of parents are wealthy but don't pass anything our way. I'm not saying that in a negative way as I think it makes you much more responsible with money but I wish I knew where mine goes!

[HerNameWasEliza]

Well done on your new job! Sounds like you have worked really hard for it and very much deserve the new salary.

In terms of your money, I so know where you're coming from. I am always amazed at how much we seem to get through!

You seem to be saying that you spend £800 on household bills, excluding mortgage, car payments and food bill. Is that right? Cos that's massive and your house is not big enough for that to make any sense. We have a bigger house and spend about £400 a month on the household bills (insurance, council tax, gas, water, elec, phone, broadband, tv license). I'd focus on that as surely you must be able to reduce that? Can you break down for us how it is costing that much?

It's a picky point and I know school uniform is pricey but still £250 is a lot? Are you buying new when you don't have to (i.e. can you get second hand or buy stuff with more growing room?). My DD is in the 3rd year of the same clothes at school and my DS has a wadge of hand me downs to see him through a few years. I wonder if lots of small economies would add up for you?

[PollyPelargonium52]

Couples dont seem to struggle like sole income households do.

[BackforGood]

@FannieMae84 If you read my whole post, I was talking in the context of the whole situation.
Never having been used to managing the budget. Escaping an abusive relationship, have the courage / inner strength to do this and to start from scratch, on her own, with her dc, to then not only to hold down a job, but to buy a house and to rise through the ranks and be promoted at work, to have paid down a load of debt, to be able to take the dc away, and for odd treats like a meal out or a trip to the sea, and now to be willing to ask for help with that last push.

I say again - the OP is doing brilliantly.

Yes, it looks like there are now things she can do to improve her knowledge of where he money goes, and her budgeting, and that is what she has come here to get help with. Great that she has recognised, that, despite the massive journey she has already traveled, it can potentially get even better in terms of making some of the suggested changes suggested by other posters on here.

[MrsWombat]

I bet they've got a lot more debt than you have or just have head start on being debt free by not having an abusive ex husband.

I would recommend Dave Ramsey especially zero budgeting and sinking funds. There are UK facebook groups aimed at his method. There is also a long running thread on the Money Matters board about earning extra money from home. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/3983595-august-10-a-day-thread?pg=1

Good luck.

[addictedtotheflats]

Sounds like my situation apart from I have one DS. I do manage to save a little bit a month though around £200 and my set outgoings are about £980 (small mortgage) Im not very good with money but I have no debt apart from a £250 overdraft. I certainly dont feel like I am missing out and can curb the unnecessary spending if I want a treat.
Tbh it looks as if you are doing ok, i'd stop comparing yourself to your friends as long as you and DC are happy.

[monkeyonthetable]

Life is transformed once you get out of debt. I felt like you, constantly chasing my tail until I got out of debt. As soon as I was clear, I knew that all money coming in was MINE and I had control over how it was spent. I used a percentage budget. Take out non-negotiable essential bills, snd then divide the rest. Include a big chunk of savings for rainy days (eg broke freezer, bathroom leak repair etc) and then split the rest.Have an absolute budget for food. That makes you meal plan and waste nothing. If you run out, you use store cupboard items. And always have a % for fun. Use it differently every week. Think of ingenious ways to use it, or find ways to spend only a fraction of it and put the rest towards the following week when you want a big blow out.

One thing that springs to my mind is that you are saying to yourself 'I only...' a lot. I only managed to pay for X dinners out and holidays etc. I think the opposite. Focus on how lovely the meals out were and what a pleasure it was to celebrate the DC's birthdays with things they really enjoyed or wanted etc. Focus harder on what you are providing and the fun you already bring to the family through your income, and you start to feel richer.

[Allergictoironing]

What a friend of mine found useful was writing down every single spend, even down to a coffee or chocolate bar, and review this monthly. She realised she was spending a fortune on shopping channels (this was a few years back, would be on line now) but as each purchase was quite small she hadn't noticed it.

Split your accounting on groceries as well, into basic and luxury. I worked out that by changing the biscuits I eat I was saving £50-60 a year - not much in the grand scheme of things, but multiply that by a few items & the savings mount up.

Have a look at the BBC "Eat Well for Less" pages. Though the series isn't available on iPlayer at the mo (boo!) there's loads of tips from that series on there.

[ComplexPTSDmaybe]

My household expenses are: (rounded up)

Mortgage £460
Car Tax £13
Car Ins £26 (just reduced this from 38)
Student Loans x3 £260
School ipads x2 £20
Phones £50
Contact lenses x2 £50
Gas & Electric £49 (just changed to pure planet, down from £90)
Water £50
Buildings and contents ins £38
Council tax £125
DVLA £14
Life ins £21
Union £22
Cat ins £6
Phone insurance £16
BT £33
Guitar payment for DS1 - 32.50
Football subs £12
Netflix £9
Chemistry Club £5

[ComplexPTSDmaybe]

I shop at Morrisons (because they deliver and I can not do in store shopping with youngest DC) and buy a decent meal planned 5/6 days. I have to avoid carbs and have an anti inflammatory diet as I have endo and rheumatoid arthritis. But we run out of milk, eggs and juice at phenomenal rates. I like to buy veg from the farm shop as its local but I guess this is a luxury I can't afford.