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Original poster

Honestly, is this how adults run friendships now?! Feeling quite stressed. 😬

158 replies

BarrenFieldofFucks · 15/08/2020 14:15

This is so pretty that I don't quite believe it myself.

Long version.

Daughter (10) has a friend at school. Very nice girl, very confident and self assured. Over the years we have always invited said child, Jane for ease, to birthday parties etc. I don't think she has ever turned up (sometimes with no notice) bar maybe once. Fine, we have always downplayed it to DD. This year obviously we didn't have a party per se, a couple of her closest friends came to public park with us for cake and a play.

Dd posted on a chat group that they have on my phone about seeing some of them later (on her birthday morn) and Jane replied saying he assumed she wasn't invited. I saw this, and not wanting DD to get upset on her birthday ( we have had a shitty time of late) I replied and apologised, said it was my mistake and I thought she had been, should have spoken to her mum etc. Jane replied again, disagreeing with a couple of things I said, copying other posts off the group etc. Again, I replied apologising etc. Again, more rebuttals. So I said nicely, that I wasn't going to argue with her, that we would love to see her etc and I had messaged her mum. I then deleted the comments from my WhatsApp so DD wouldn't see them.

Cue messages all day from.mother, about how dare I tell her that, delete messages etc, make her child look bad to others etc etc. It went on for an age. Including remaining me about Jane's party last year (only one DD has been invited to), which DD went to and was very unsettled, had an accident in the night etc, and how she and Jane could have told lots of people but they didn't etc.

Next day j messaged an olive branch, saying we all get protective, I'd meant no harm, let's move on. Fine.

Until today. Apparently dh unfriended her on Facebook the other day, as she had made a few PA comments to me about him amongst other things. No song and dance.

I have had a lot of messages all day about this, about him, how they were nice to DD when she was unsettled, they could have handled it differently etc etc but they didn't. Again, I was polite I think and thought we had sorted it.

I have now had another message saying her husband wants my husband to unlike his business page as he doesn't want him to like it any more because he unfriended his wife.

I mean, wtaf?? I am genuinely jaw on the floor.

OP posts:
Friendsoftheearth · 15/08/2020 16:13

It depends on how far you are willing to go to patch this up op, but I would be calling Jane's mother if she is a friend of yours as well, and if you would have genuinely invited Jane if you had remembered, you have nothing to lose.

I would call and say you have dropped a ball with covid and the lockdown, and somehow there has been crossed wires about dd's birthday and that the gathering in the park was not the birthday celebration, you were waiting until you could have a larger gathering when restrictions were eased, and fully intended to invite Jane as normal.
Hopefully Jane's mother will be gracious, you can organise something for the girls, and this will blow over. If you can pull this off, then the dc can continue as before, and no harm done.

None of us are perfect, we all make mistakes and it is a steep learning curve for sure. The party scene particularly is a minefield, it always has been even before SM.

Original poster
BarrenFieldofFucks · 15/08/2020 16:14

To defend dh, Jane's mum had made all sort of snide comments about him, his Facebook account, our daughter etc and he just thought he didn't want to see her/be seen any more. They barely know each other anyway.

OP posts:
canigooutyet · 15/08/2020 16:15

Aww I'm missing working in a school. (not enough to rejoin though) childish shit like the FB bit was a common thing. Used to sit in the staff room and wonder who the kids were at times 🤣🤣

Could have watched a lot first hand but I denied I had any SM.

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Families
Quaagars · 15/08/2020 16:15

I've messaged the Head
Friends I'm not sure how to explain further that I didn't intentionally leave Jane out

Oh, jeez..... just why?
Why would you message the head?!
I bet it'd have been forgotten about between the kids in approx 5 minutes if it wasn't for the parents meddling!

Original poster
BarrenFieldofFucks · 15/08/2020 16:17

Thank you Friends, that's exactly what I have done, a couple of times now. I feel like it has blown over and then it bounces back at me. I have left it that I have no ill will, and that it'll be good for the girls to get back to seeing each other on real life as they get on

OP posts:
canigooutyet · 15/08/2020 16:18

So who are the mates then?

Dads barely know each other
The girls hardly in touch
The mums?

Did she bother to ask what your dd was doing for her birthday, I mean isn't that what friends do? Not whinge because of a lack of invite.

Original poster
BarrenFieldofFucks · 15/08/2020 16:19

Stupid isn't it. This has taken up so much headspace.

OP posts:
Whym · 15/08/2020 16:22

FFS! I’m pleased my three are grown. The whole thing sounds ridiculous imo!

canigooutyet · 15/08/2020 16:31

One school I just started with had some online bullying, but the details were all kept hush hush. Every time those training days some reference was made about it.

Took about 2 years to find out and boy was I disappointed in a way, a mild bit of potential bullying on FB. Someone said something about someone, nothing bad but it was shown to that person who took offence because people were talking about them and posted one of those twee friendship things in response which was seen as PA by someone else from the school 🤣

Friendsoftheearth · 15/08/2020 16:31

Well that is all you can do op. What is done is done, you can't go back in time. All you can do is highlight to dd the importance of being extra careful on SM, so that she understands and can learn from it. Also not to post pictures/talking about meet ups if not everyone on the chat is included (some will still do this, but she will be the better person for not joining them)

No child will be invited to everything, and all children learn this on SM, and have to practice rising about it, even when it stings, and now my dc are older and they are now teens they are indifferent to it all, and they take it with a pinch of salt, and distance themselves emotionally, but younger children find it harder to do. They take it all to heart, and it can be painful for a parent to witness, but it is part and parcel of growing up.

I hope Jane's mother is reasonable and it blows over quickly.

Shizzlestix · 15/08/2020 16:41

Jame’s mother is not nice to twice mention your dd’s accident and how good she was keeping it quiet. Hmm. However, if you’re a teacher/TA, I would keep well off all other parental social media, it’s professional suicide if somebody wants to cause drama.

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 15/08/2020 16:53

Do you even see that you created the whole problem by lying to a 10 year old in the first place.

She hadn't been invited. And that was fine under the circumstances (hadn't seen her, hadn't thought to) but instead you did and entire song and dance about how she was.

I'm not sure your Head will be very impressed, frankly. Mine certainly wouldn't be.

Original poster
BarrenFieldofFucks · 15/08/2020 16:56

But I haven't lied? I apologised and said I'd forgotten.

OP posts:
simitra · 15/08/2020 17:00

Threads like this remind me why I do not bother with social media like farcebook and twatter. Leave the kids to sort out their own social lives as we had to do - stop micro managing their lives.

EL8888 · 15/08/2020 17:23

@katy1213 l think that’s spot on Blush

Butchyrestingface · 15/08/2020 17:44

It all sounds very tedious and no-one is blameless here. But in answer to the thread title,

Honestly, is this how adults run friendships now?! Feeling quite stressed.

Better ask your husband. He's the one who kicked off the FB shenanigans.

Anyway, I hope it all comes out in the wash and your daughter has a great birthday, notwithstanding the events leading up to it. Smile

Keepitup · 15/08/2020 17:48

[quote EL8888]@katy1213 l think that’s spot on Blush[/quote]
How do you know? (Unless you're the OP with a failed name change?). I also think it rude of @katy1213 to say that about a perceived "type" of woman from Essex.

m0therofdragons · 15/08/2020 17:49

Parents messaging dc friends at age 10 is ridiculous and asking for trouble imo. At c that age you speak to the parents. Tone in messages also often doesn’t come over as intended and group messages mean risk of humiliation in front of others... so you embarrassed a 10 year old in front of her friends. Parent is clearly a twat though. I think I’d reply with a laughing emoji and a comment along the lines of “dd had a small birthday party, your dd was upset and I tried to help. Clearly I’ve missed the mark but I think we need a little perspective here.”

RandomUser3049 · 15/08/2020 17:51

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster
BarrenFieldofFucks · 15/08/2020 17:54

Luckily she had a lovely day. I have spoken with the head who was very reassuring that I hadn't done anything wrong, and that this isn't an uncommon scenario and has played out in one form or another with lots of other families, and to let her know if I hear any more.

OP posts:
m0therofdragons · 15/08/2020 17:56

Wtf have you involved the head in this? I cannot understand what school has to do with this at all. Heads are so busy organising schools to be covid safe and you’re emailing about this shit. How embarrassing Blush

Original poster
BarrenFieldofFucks · 15/08/2020 17:57

Because people above had indicated that as staff I had done wrong. 🤷

OP posts:
AbsentmindedWoman · 15/08/2020 18:15

OP I believe you when you say you just didn't think to invite Jane.

They're 10! At that age, when they're not seeing each other for so long with lockdown, it's perfectly reasonable for the friendship to drift. Perhaps it has run its course.

mrscampbellblackagain · 15/08/2020 18:18

Your DH needs a talking too. Honestly this is why I hate staff having children in the school they work at - way too many blurred boundaries.

Your DH made a difficult situation a lot worse. He could easily have 'muted' your friend but instead ramped the whole situation up.

mrscampbellblackagain · 15/08/2020 18:20

I would also end the WhatsApp group, if children can't be trusted not to post pictures of birthday cakes and celebrations that all the group members are not invited too, well they are too young to be using WhatsApp. Well they are anyway, I believe the age recommendation is 16 and that is for a reason.

I know it is on your phone but your DD is clearly using it off her own bat and is too young/naïve to realise the implications of what she is saying.

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