Honestly, is this how adults run friendships now?! Feeling quite stressed. 😬

[BarrenFieldofFucks]

This is so pretty that I don't quite believe it myself.

Long version.

Daughter (10) has a friend at school. Very nice girl, very confident and self assured. Over the years we have always invited said child, Jane for ease, to birthday parties etc. I don't think she has ever turned up (sometimes with no notice) bar maybe once. Fine, we have always downplayed it to DD. This year obviously we didn't have a party per se, a couple of her closest friends came to public park with us for cake and a play.

Dd posted on a chat group that they have on my phone about seeing some of them later (on her birthday morn) and Jane replied saying he assumed she wasn't invited. I saw this, and not wanting DD to get upset on her birthday ( we have had a shitty time of late) I replied and apologised, said it was my mistake and I thought she had been, should have spoken to her mum etc. Jane replied again, disagreeing with a couple of things I said, copying other posts off the group etc. Again, I replied apologising etc. Again, more rebuttals. So I said nicely, that I wasn't going to argue with her, that we would love to see her etc and I had messaged her mum. I then deleted the comments from my WhatsApp so DD wouldn't see them.

Cue messages all day from.mother, about how dare I tell her that, delete messages etc, make her child look bad to others etc etc. It went on for an age. Including remaining me about Jane's party last year (only one DD has been invited to), which DD went to and was very unsettled, had an accident in the night etc, and how she and Jane could have told lots of people but they didn't etc.

Next day j messaged an olive branch, saying we all get protective, I'd meant no harm, let's move on. Fine.

Until today. Apparently dh unfriended her on Facebook the other day, as she had made a few PA comments to me about him amongst other things. No song and dance.

I have had a lot of messages all day about this, about him, how they were nice to DD when she was unsettled, they could have handled it differently etc etc but they didn't. Again, I was polite I think and thought we had sorted it.

I have now had another message saying her husband wants my husband to unlike his business page as he doesn't want him to like it any more because he unfriended his wife.

I mean, wtaf?? I am genuinely jaw on the floor.

going forward I think staying mute is way safer

It is.

And it's not unusual for parents (those I know) to go through something like this, to realise their own mistake and realise that staying mute is best in future. You did make a mistake in how you handles it though.

• your minimising your DDs blame. This type of leaving out and gloating with those included is rife at this age. She may not be able to verbalize what she's doing, but it's still us and them.
• you shouldn't fight your daughters battles. She needed to realise the mistake she made (talking about the party on group chat when some weren't invited) and deal with the friendship consequences herself, apologising and explaining. You've done that for her. How will your DD learn?
• you should not engage in conflict of opinion with a child.
• you definately should not do that if you work at the school said child us at. If your Head knew, you would be called on for a chat as a minimum. It's unprofessional in every sence.
• deleting the messages after the event was really bad form in your part. I suspect you know that. You could have just not given your DD access yo your phone until after the party. It's a case of you not fully owning your mistake.

Your child was invited and attended Jane's last birthday celebration. In your post you say you have always invited Jane to dd's birthdays, so it was not unreasonable of Jane to expect to be invited to this birthday party was it?

Jane has clearly been a big part of your child's life for a very long time, and yet this year you deemed fit to drop her from the birthday list without a word. Your dd then proceeded to highlight her birthday plans that did not include Jane on a group chat knowing Jane would be left out and hurt by this, and yet you think this is okay?

It is not okay.

I agree with telling the truth. You weren't invited becsuse you usually don't come and thst you will be equally delighted not to associate with them again in any way. Idiots.

Depending on what you said to her dd, she can easily forward those chats to your boss. Same with the other parents who saw this.

Arguing online with a child is professionally bad and you have put yourself in a very vulnerable position.

What the other parents do with their kids and sm is entirely up to them and the school would just advice them about E-Safety.

The group sounds like the active members are the kids, and parents say something when they are tagged but not active members. Just because your dd uses your phone doesn't mean the others do. It also doesn't mean they don't mute the chat.

This is all a bit strange.
If you don't invite someone, then you have to stand your ground when they call you out on it. Backtracking then deleting messages just makes a drama out of it all.
I think your DD is old enough to see the messages isn't she, so she can learn about the difficulties of friendships? I wouldn't be hiding them from her.

We all monitor the chat as they're so young, only one member has their own phone. We tend to go on it to reply when we are at work so the kids can't reply or see the messages etc. I don't think it was ok to mention it there and have spoken to DD about it.

Your mistake was apologising to Jayne. She sounds like a right little madam. Her Mum should have bolocked her for speaking to a grown up like that never mind sticking get oar in!

Argh fuck, I'm the overprotective helicopter mother I always tried not to be aren't I 😭

Hang on.

You work at the school these girls attend and you STILL think it's appropriate to be carrying out group chats like this, knowing the DC have access to them? And you argued with a 10yo child?

This is all so inappropriate and goes against pretty much all safeguarding regulations. I think you count your lucky stars that the parents didn't report your actions to the school.

So when they go back to school and it all kicks off again (which it will), what's to stop your daughter telling Jane she was never invited to her birthday in the first place therefore exposing your lie? You've dug yourself a giant hole when you didn't need to!

Havd reread your post. It's a mess. Both sides to blame. Why did you answer a child online when the message was for your DD. And then deleting messages makes you look like the guilty one.

I don't believe you intended to invite Jane, and somehow forgot about her, and nor does her mother clearly. It looks like a calculated decision for whatever reason to hurt Jane.

You then compounded the issue by arguing online with Jane, who is just a ten year child to try and justify your position, but Jane I imagine could see through it even as young as she is.

How were you doing the 'right thing' - the 'kind thing' by leaving a child out exactly?

Your behaviour has been utterly disgraceful.

I would be deeply unimpressed if you were working at my school, and I would be putting in a formal complaint to the school if I was Jane's mother. You can't bully and argue with other people's ten year children online, leave them out of parties that they would normally attend and then tell them you are being kind and they are being over protective?!

That is called gas lighting.

Seriously how on earth did you think this was going to end??

Yes you need to step back from this kind of over-involvement and unfortunately you could be risking your job if the other parent escalates things.

Did you not invite Jane because she is too confident and assured and needed taking down a peg or two?

Do what if Jayne wasn't invited. It wasn't like she was the only one left out of a class, it was one or two close friends only. It doesn't matter. She's old enough to not get all offended and should be old enough to show a little respect. Mollycolldling kids really won't end well.

Jane was a close friend red read the thread. Jane has always been a close friend.

I don’t think you should be excluding Jane as she wasn’t as involved on the group chat as some of the others. She’s ten! Perhaps she has been busy with other things.

As a teacher, I’m absolutely flabbergasted that you are texting children like this. You say that you are ‘monitoring’ the group chat but monitoring something isn’t throwing yourself into it.

Are the messages that your dd sends in your name?

You are opening yourself up to disaster here. You should put yourself forward for additional safeguarding training as you just don’t seem to understand the situation you have got yourself into.

OP didn't have to invite Jane, I agree. But you have to own it instead of hastily pretending she was invited. No one is buying that one.

We didn't leave Jane out any more than any of the other kids in the group, I genuinely really like her. She's a sweet girl, I just said she was confident as it gives context to her replying to me the way she did. Not one of dad's closest friends, no, but a nice girl that neither I or DD have anything against.

In op's own words she intended to invite Jane.

She forgot, it was an oversight according to the last post.

Maybe it was not Jane replying op, maybe it was her mother?

Wow what a rude, toxic and obnoxious family. Avoid like the plague

We didn't leave Jane out any more than any of the other kids in the group

But the girls in the group are not as close to your dd as Jane, Jane has always been invited to all of dd's parties in the past so why not this one?

What happened this year to change it?

" I told her I wasn't going to argue with her it was said very nicely, just in a 'I'm very sorry, we messed up, I'm not going to argue the finer details but it was my mistake, we'd love to see you if you'd like to come' type way."

Do 10 years old girl get the gist of what you were trying to say?
Anyway, it's too much drama for me to get involved in arguments with dc's friend and their parents.