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Original poster

Honestly, is this how adults run friendships now?! Feeling quite stressed. 😬

158 replies

BarrenFieldofFucks · 15/08/2020 14:15

This is so pretty that I don't quite believe it myself.

Long version.

Daughter (10) has a friend at school. Very nice girl, very confident and self assured. Over the years we have always invited said child, Jane for ease, to birthday parties etc. I don't think she has ever turned up (sometimes with no notice) bar maybe once. Fine, we have always downplayed it to DD. This year obviously we didn't have a party per se, a couple of her closest friends came to public park with us for cake and a play.

Dd posted on a chat group that they have on my phone about seeing some of them later (on her birthday morn) and Jane replied saying he assumed she wasn't invited. I saw this, and not wanting DD to get upset on her birthday ( we have had a shitty time of late) I replied and apologised, said it was my mistake and I thought she had been, should have spoken to her mum etc. Jane replied again, disagreeing with a couple of things I said, copying other posts off the group etc. Again, I replied apologising etc. Again, more rebuttals. So I said nicely, that I wasn't going to argue with her, that we would love to see her etc and I had messaged her mum. I then deleted the comments from my WhatsApp so DD wouldn't see them.

Cue messages all day from.mother, about how dare I tell her that, delete messages etc, make her child look bad to others etc etc. It went on for an age. Including remaining me about Jane's party last year (only one DD has been invited to), which DD went to and was very unsettled, had an accident in the night etc, and how she and Jane could have told lots of people but they didn't etc.

Next day j messaged an olive branch, saying we all get protective, I'd meant no harm, let's move on. Fine.

Until today. Apparently dh unfriended her on Facebook the other day, as she had made a few PA comments to me about him amongst other things. No song and dance.

I have had a lot of messages all day about this, about him, how they were nice to DD when she was unsettled, they could have handled it differently etc etc but they didn't. Again, I was polite I think and thought we had sorted it.

I have now had another message saying her husband wants my husband to unlike his business page as he doesn't want him to like it any more because he unfriended his wife.

I mean, wtaf?? I am genuinely jaw on the floor.

OP posts:
ErinBrockovich · 15/08/2020 14:50

Also I think deleting the messages was a mistake given you’re a member of staff at the school, surely it leaves you wide open to all sorts of accusations that you won’t be able to defend if the messages have been deleted.

Original poster
BarrenFieldofFucks · 15/08/2020 14:51

I messaged mum before replying to her, as soon as I realised what had happened. The dynamic of the group chat very much involved the parents, we all know each other well.

But yes, going forward I think staying mute is way safer.

OP posts:
TimeTruthandHearts · 15/08/2020 14:53

Bloody hell take a step back here and disengage.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
canigooutyet · 15/08/2020 14:57

No I wouldn't have apologised. The mate could have been engaged with the group chat which she wasn't really. Seems now there's fun she thinks she's missing out on, she wants in. Live doesn't work like that.

Have you spoken to your dd about not feeling pressured to go along with others so they don't get their feelings hurt?

Had she been left to deal with it, what would she have told the friends? Didn't think you was interested as not really heard from you?
Fallen over herself to apologise and invite her over?
Does she even want the girl invited over as you did?

She's 10 and once in secondary school it becomes harder to police these things.

Friendsoftheearth · 15/08/2020 14:57

It there any apologies to be made it should have come from your child to her friend, and not involved the parents. The whole thing has been escalated because you were involved.

Can I ask why you didn't invite Jane to the birthday party in the park given she is one your dd's closest friends? Because being left out of a party when everyone else is going is a) unkind and b) bound to cause an arguement

Even when she pointed out that she was not invited, why did you not invite her at that point if it was indeed an 'oversight'?

You then proceeded to argue with a ten year old child about it.

The mother is upset because you are deliberately leaving out her dd, arguing with her child on line, additionally your husband has also waded in on facebook and blocked her.

Unless I have misunderstood this is atrocious behaviour on the part of you and your husband, really atrocious.

LucilleBluth · 15/08/2020 14:58

Why are you telling a ten year old that you’re not going to argue with her on WhatsApp, it’s actually mental.

Delete the group and tell your ten year old that she’s too young for social media, phones, texting etc.

Friendsoftheearth · 15/08/2020 14:59

I don't know why you felt the need to tell us Jane was 'very confident and self assured' it makes you sound judgemental and jealous.

Nixen · 15/08/2020 14:59

They sound ridiculous but you haven’t covered yourself in glory either. If I was one of the other parents in the group chat I’d be backing away from both of you!

dayswithaY · 15/08/2020 15:00

You got it wrong the moment you started a conversation with this child. I would have either ignored completely (most people would) or messaged the Mum privately to say it was a very casual meet up at the park with small numbers due to current social distancing rules and not a party. You have now fallen over yourself to appease them, pretended she was invited when she wasn't and basically, poured petrol all over the drama bonfire.

Tell your daughter to be careful what she talks about on group chats as someone will always take offence at being left out, even if they're wrong.

SavoyCabbage · 15/08/2020 15:01

Your dd should not have said something about seeing some of them later’ on a group chat where other children weren’t invited. This sort of thing is the exact reason why children shouldn’t have access to phones. It’s too much for them to manage.

You shouldn’t have said anything at all on the children’s group chat, never, mind argued with a child.

It’s your phone, you could have taken it away for the day if you didn’t want her to see the message on her birthday.

canigooutyet · 15/08/2020 15:01

And to wade into a chat that the other kids and their parents can see!!
Oh and deleting them only deletes them for you once the other person has read them.So anyone can show your dd exactly what you said.

Original poster
BarrenFieldofFucks · 15/08/2020 15:03

I think we didn't invite her because it was a last minute thing, only arranged a few days before. The three girls who were invited are kids that she has spoken to and seen regularly over the summer, and whose mums I see and talk to regularly. There are about 8 or 9 girls on the chat.

As soon as I realised that DD had mentioned it on the chat and Jane had noticed, I apologised to her very genuinely and invited her along, and contacted her mum to explain. That's what I would hope someone would do if the roles were reversed, I was genuinely sad that we may have hurt her feelings.

OP posts:
canigooutyet · 15/08/2020 15:03

Although I assume because of the see you later comments, details of the party would have been discussed on the group chat before then.

That's one of the purposes for a group chat!

Spied · 15/08/2020 15:04

You work at the school?
I don't think it's in your best interests to be involved in any parent group chat really. You and DH sound far too involved in the playground politics.
Let's hope they don't try and cause you trouble.

canigooutyet · 15/08/2020 15:05

Nope I still wouldn't have got involved or invited her.

She invited the friends she wanted to. It's up to her who she plays with. She invited the ones she deems herself to be close to, the girls she is in contact regular with. Jane isn't one of those.

Spied · 15/08/2020 15:05

Or be messaging young girls

Original poster
BarrenFieldofFucks · 15/08/2020 15:05

I didn't intend to delete any messages from anyone else's chat, only mine.

OP posts:
canigooutyet · 15/08/2020 15:07

Oh and check your schools IT and Social media policy.

Gross misconduct in many schools to have the kids on your personal SM etc. Their parents if you are genuine mates fine, do whatever.

TimeTruthandHearts · 15/08/2020 15:07

Aren't you embarrassed that this is going on in front of other parents?

canigooutyet · 15/08/2020 15:07

So why delete them?

FortunesFave · 15/08/2020 15:07

To be frank it's VERY weird to have a group chat for parents AND children.

That should be kept separate for exactly this reason.

It is inappropriate to have got into an argument with Jane...the moment she got argumentative and began copying messages into the chat, you needed to back off.

Why are kids on the chat?

My DDs both have chat groups with their friendship groups...we parents message one another to arrange lifts etc when the kids have arranged a meet up.

By 10 they are or should be moving towards organising their own friendships.

carlywurly · 15/08/2020 15:08

Christ, I wouldn't do this with adults I work with, let alone kids. Disengage and take the heat out of it ASAP.

Original poster
BarrenFieldofFucks · 15/08/2020 15:08

I so genuinely thought I was doing the right thing, the kind thing. We all know each other well, kids know each others parents etc. I felt like shit for not having thought to invite her, we've just had so much going on the only people I was organised enough to invite were the ones under my nose, if you see what I mean

OP posts:
carlywurly · 15/08/2020 15:10

I don't think that's the main issue though, it's the subsequent handling. I do appreciate you wanted to do the right thing but it's a bit of an error of judgement to get involved in an exchange.

dayswithaY · 15/08/2020 15:10

Genuinely sad that you hurt her feelings? Then why didn't you stop your daughter talking about it on a group chat for Jane to see? Why did you get into a discussion with Jane and swiftly invite her when she clearly wasn't invited in the first place, which her and her parents have obviously worked out. It just makes you look shady, you should have just been honest with them. Stop giving your phone to a child and this won't happen.