Honestly, is this how adults run friendships now?! Feeling quite stressed. 😬

[BarrenFieldofFucks]

This is so pretty that I don't quite believe it myself.

Long version.

Daughter (10) has a friend at school. Very nice girl, very confident and self assured. Over the years we have always invited said child, Jane for ease, to birthday parties etc. I don't think she has ever turned up (sometimes with no notice) bar maybe once. Fine, we have always downplayed it to DD. This year obviously we didn't have a party per se, a couple of her closest friends came to public park with us for cake and a play.

Dd posted on a chat group that they have on my phone about seeing some of them later (on her birthday morn) and Jane replied saying he assumed she wasn't invited. I saw this, and not wanting DD to get upset on her birthday ( we have had a shitty time of late) I replied and apologised, said it was my mistake and I thought she had been, should have spoken to her mum etc. Jane replied again, disagreeing with a couple of things I said, copying other posts off the group etc. Again, I replied apologising etc. Again, more rebuttals. So I said nicely, that I wasn't going to argue with her, that we would love to see her etc and I had messaged her mum. I then deleted the comments from my WhatsApp so DD wouldn't see them.

Cue messages all day from.mother, about how dare I tell her that, delete messages etc, make her child look bad to others etc etc. It went on for an age. Including remaining me about Jane's party last year (only one DD has been invited to), which DD went to and was very unsettled, had an accident in the night etc, and how she and Jane could have told lots of people but they didn't etc.

Next day j messaged an olive branch, saying we all get protective, I'd meant no harm, let's move on. Fine.

Until today. Apparently dh unfriended her on Facebook the other day, as she had made a few PA comments to me about him amongst other things. No song and dance.

I have had a lot of messages all day about this, about him, how they were nice to DD when she was unsettled, they could have handled it differently etc etc but they didn't. Again, I was polite I think and thought we had sorted it.

I have now had another message saying her husband wants my husband to unlike his business page as he doesn't want him to like it any more because he unfriended his wife.

I mean, wtaf?? I am genuinely jaw on the floor.

P.S Haven't read the whole thread...but Kids are best left to solve their own dramas.

@GetThatHelmetOn

Jesus, I really don’t know why people are having a go at you,

You apologised to a girl you know and invited her over. Send a message to the mum to invite. No big deal

Girl gets mouthy and it is your fault? Honestly, that girl needs better manera, her mother is deranged and yes, all of them need to be blocked in your social media pronto.

Because OP works at the school the DC attend and has had an argument with a 10yo student over WhatsApp. Totally inappropriate behaviour.

Tbh it's quite rude to talk about a gathering that not everyone on the chat is invited to

Oh so parents aren't actually in the group itself?

I really hope you read your schools policies before you emailed the HT.
There was a chance that by September it would have blown over.

When back to work as soon as you saw the HT heading your way before they got a chance to speak - oh great is there any chance we can have a chat about something that happened over the holidays when you get a chance?

During the holidays there is nothing the school could have done about it. You could have easily covered your own ass in this, taken the lesson from it and moved on.

@Friendsoftheearth

Are you for real?!

The whole group chat thing is a nightmare and will get worse when they get their own phones so be prepared. The main thing is to guide and teach your DD how to navigate this and this situation was the perfect opportunity. It would have been better to have pointed outright your DD not to post stuff on the chat about arrangements when not all of the group is included. Someone will always be offended by being left out and it will result in huge dramas.

Cheeky little madam. I'd prefer mine not to be playing with a child like that, anyway.
But the husband ... I'm gob-smacked. (Please don't unlike him if only to annoy the twat!)
But you were silly to get involved in the first place.

As far as I can see there are too many blurred boundaries here. You have emailed the head, who is also a friend and you are expecting her to be understanding of this because she has had 'encounters' with Jane's parents before? This sounds worse and worse, no wonder you feel like shit. It is pretty grim.

You do know that even once this has blown over if it does, and it is unlikely - the dynamics of the friendships will be damaged between dd and Jane, this could go on for a very long time and play out in lots of ways you had not intended. Not to mention what the other parents must now be thinking.

I would be forgiving of a gobby ten year old finding her feet on SM and less so of a fully grown teacher in my school sinking to this level.

I bet head must be thinking wtf.

OP you did nothing wrong. You’ve bumped into a family that feels entitled to be invited everywhere and is teaching their daughter to be a special snowflake. They support her arguing with adults, etc. They want biscuits for not treating a child having an accident poorly.

You could never have guessed this. Now you know. It’s a good time to teach your daughter how to handle herself with difficult people and how to choose friends wisely.

Not inviting 5/9 people on a chat to something isn’t rude or cruel. Your daughter shouldn’t have posted pictures on a group chat where not everyone was included but let it be a learning experience.

You are doing the right thing by monitoring the conversations and a well mannered child would have responded to you politely.

Sign of the times, all this idiocy going on.

Within the whole group individuals often talk about meeting up with others etc, so I can see why it wouldn't have occurred to her. She was just excited about her b-day and sent a pic of her cake in the fridge and said she you later Amy and Amelia or whatever.

I would like to reiterate that I didn't argue with a 10 yr old, that's exactly what I wasn't doing if you see what I mean! I apologised for not having invited her, and then told her I wasn't going to argue with her when she then replied to my apology being argumentative.

I can totally see all arguments for not having replied at all, but I really thought I was being polite. Other parents often reply on the chat and say 'sorry xyz, I'm at work at the moment, ABC will talk to you later. Hope you're enjoying the park' or whatever.

I'm not sure what you've done wrong you've already said you didn't invite because Jane never turns up and it was a last minute thing with her close friends.
Why is Jane and her mother bothered if she never turns up ?
You apologised which was nice but unnecessary why are you sorry ? You've got nothing to be sorry for you should of just explained to her mother not Jane.
As for the Facebook thing what childish nonsense.
The whole family sound like cf rude idiots block and advise your daughter the same ,

Jane's mum seems to have made a right song and dance about this.

Yes, your DD shouldn't have messaged the group chat like she did, but you've had a word and HOPEFULLY she won't do it again (I wouldn't bank on it, in all honesty)

Jane has some nerve herself to question you - assuming it actually was her - but I don't think you did wrong to answer her, or to contact her mother.

What happened next is the batshit bit!

As for you working at the school - I can only assume it's NOT as a teacher, but some other capacity, but even so it's probably not the best plan to have other parents of other kids on a group chat like this. Again, I understand why you've done it (kids want to chat, don't have their own phones, use yours, all parents on there too) but it does put you in an invidious position when things like this go down.

Good job you've given the Head the outline - hopefully that will be the end of it but you should probably remove yourself from the group chat now. If that means your DD is gone too, then so be it - I don't think it would be wise for you to stay in there.

As for the FB nonsense, well that just shows up how very petty Jane's mum (and dad?) are.

But t answer your question - yes, this IS how some adults conduct their friendships and fall-outs now.

Separate chats needed perhaps for parents and DCs. The whole thing sounds terribly confusing and rife for misunderstandings.

Where did I say I was expecting the head to feel sympathetic? You seem to have taken quite hard against me tbh Friends, I'm not sure how I am coming across as ambiguously. I asked the head whether I had left myself open by having this group chat on my phone, and explained the brief premise.

I have left it with Jane's mum that I hadn't intended to fall out with her, and would pass on her message to DH.

I feel like shit

Most of the mum's I know have had a similar instance of over-involvement, when their DD's were a similar age to yours (inc a primary Head teacher friend, with her DD). They only do it once tho, and learn to not get involved in future. I've been through this three times with three DC.

Baptism of fire.

You did wrong, you learnt, don't get involved again. No need to feel shit long term tho.

In future use the mantra: How can I support my DC to deal with this?. Rather than "I'll sort this out for DC".

That's a very good mantra, thank you. I'm quite conflict avoidant by nature believe it or not, so any form of confrontation has me other thinking for days.

Also I would find it very irritating to have messages pinging between DCs and parents on the chat that have nothing to do with me.

Yes, it is annoying. I find her chats more active than mine tbh, I just didn't want her to be left out.

Out of curiosity as I've never met people like this in real life - but what are they like in person? I'm envisaging Essex-type mum (sorry, Essex), all fake nails and Mrs Hinch, flash with the cash, but a bit thick, thinks she's the bees' knees but a bit common - husband very proud of his 'princesses'. Friendships fuelled by prosecco and bickering. Am I getting warm?

THose messages are completely different to what you sent though!!

I really hope for your own sake that is what you said. Because you have now made it official and sent an email, the HT will now have to see those messages for herself. She now has to contact another person to get these messages because you deleted them for some bizarre daft reason. Now she will have to investigate properly and this on your record. I think the chair of governors and the dedicated safeguarding lead. (I am foggy on the full procedure it has been a while!)

For future - not everything within the school should be sent as an email. Like many other workplaces, there are moments you have a quiet word with the boss. It's not in a cover up way, just different things get handled differently. The informal chat would in all chances just meant her calling you a daft sod, delete the group etc. and a reminder to read the policies, plus the same across the school especially staff about a reminder of who to not have on SM. Good ones are reassuring etc and will still make a written record of it, but nothing major, just like they would do if a pupil mentioned something safeguarding related.

She was just excited about her b-day and sent a pic of her cake in the fridge and said she you later Amy and Amelia or whatever

That’s a very thoughtless thing for your daughter to post and for you to have allowed her to post. The resulting drama is bonkers - no ones comes out of it well. The most childish was probably your DH ‘unfriending’ Janes Mum. That’s so childish.

@katy1213
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

What messages are different?