If your parents are well off...

[Mamabeemer]

Do you get an allowance? Or holidays/car type things paid for?

Following a discussion with a friend who thinks this is what everyone who’s ‘from money’ does.

My PIL are well-off. They’ve never given us anything. Twice when we were in truly dire circumstances we borrowed money from them. But DH had to beg first and they imposed all sorts of conditions (Iike making up with a NC sibling) before they gave it to us.

i think i would find it weird accepting money from my parents as an adult yet i would to be financially well off enough to help out my children

It's because we're instilled with certain attitudes towards money and the notion of pride in "hard work". Most people waste the majority of their life working because they need money to survive, and the bourgeoisie need us workers to keep doing this to earn them their capital, so we're told that if we don't do it, we're lazy and entitled and won't know how to live as adults, and other such nonsense. It's deeply entrenched in our capitalist culture, so most people have an innate guilt about things like accepting money from others.

Like you said, if you had plenty of money to spare and your kid/s were struggling to scrape together a deposit for something so simple as a roof over their heads, why wouldn't you help them out? Except that culturally you're told that this will make them lazy and won't teach them "the value of money" or the importance of working hard, etc. And they're taught that they should feel guilty about accepting financial help and the real pride is in the struggle.

It all functions to keep us in our place.

As pp’s have mentioned It’s good to give an ‘allowance’ if you can and if you want to to help reduce inheritance tax. The info is here GOV.UK. inheritance tax manual.
Not sure of the proper way to explain it but if you regularly give money out of your income then that expenditure is except from inheritance tax. The money you give has to not impact on your own standard of life.

@creamorwhite

I don't know if my parents would be classed as wealthy but they are well off I suppose. They paid all my university tuition fees, gave me an £80k deposit for my first property, paid £50k for my wedding (their choosing) and sporadically give cash gifts to help at times, but more in the region of £1000. That's rare now though, maybe once a year, so although they helped out with the "big" stuff there's no ongoing allowance or anything like that.

Yeah that is wealthy, fgs.

If your parents are well off and elderly it makes financial sense to move money outwards.

Ice creamsummer..I agree .My children have all lived in a very MC area went to brilliant grammar schools and surprise surprise went to great Universities !! They all get the fact that they are very lucky and are appreciative but as far as I am concerned they were given great advantages and it is now up to them to make their own dreams come true!!

Most of my cousins have enjoyed (and still do,, and they do the same for their children) that kind of life. Sadly my mum married 'down' so my siblings and I didn't; dd isn't either, dh and I are flat broke with the COVID business. We've had less than 700 quid a month to live on for ages now.

Luckily, she's an incredibly resourceful girl so she''s managing Uni just fine without us.

@BackforGood

I totally get the wanting to help adult dc as and when they need it, rather than hoarding your money until you die, if you are a wealthier parent, but I am curious as to how the (adult) dcs' tax works if all these people are being 'gifted' several thousand as deposits for their first homes. Is it all done by used notes in a brown paper bag, or is there an amount that you are allowed to receive from your parents if it is for a deposit, or something of an 'advance' on a future inheritance ?

You can give as much money as you like to anyone. The recipient does not pay tax on it. But depending on the amounts, if the donor lives less than 7 years after the gift, it will be counted back into the estate and liable for Inheritance Tax.

My DF was frugal but had inherited a large amount from his parents. My siblings and me had to delicately refer to the possibility of mitigating Inheritance Tax by giving some of it away.

We didn't find out how much he had till we were in our late thirties. One sibling got him to invest in a business, which eventually folded. Meanwhile me and DH had fallen on hard times. It was hard to see my sibling take a fairly large salary from my DF's investment, while the business was being unsuccessful from the start.

I know of one family who has a trust that seems to pay a lump sum annually and they have also had other large sums of money given to them at different points in their lives. They openly admit they dont have savings or a pension as they know they can rely on the wealthy family of the man. I find it a bit pathetic of them to be honest that they rely so much one someone else as adults. Its also not a secure position for the woman in the relationship as the money is all from her DPs family and they are not married.

And those of you saying you dont have am allowance but parents paid for uni fees, despite for property etc. That is in effect an allowance as you will be better off as a result long after it was given to you.

Just to say, the business thing happened shortly after we found out (roughly) how much money DF had. It was a decade or so before I looked into how IH Tax worked, and we mentioned IH Tax planning to him.

We get help, not buy a house help and not an allowance but regular bank account boosts.

Oh and should have said we earn well independently

No allowance, but holidays are paid for, 15k car given to me and deposit for a house was gifted.

But I've never asked them for money and never would,

my parents are well off. they didnt pay for much for me after the age of 16. certainly not an allowance. £30 at birthdays and christmas. no help when i got married or bought a house. no money towards uni (i worked in a shop). retired yet have never offered childcare and dont really come over unless they want something. however if a situation will benefit them (like a holiday or if they want to do a day out to tell their friends about) they will pay to ensure they are invited. But they make sure they get their money back in other ways and hold things over us a lot, so we aim not to accept things very often.

however DHs parents, who still work full time in their 60s (low paid jobs) are extremely generous, bought my dress for our wedding (MIL just went in and paid or it without me knowing) are constantly treating DC (& us) to things they see when theyre shopping. also they work their shifts so they can collect DC from school and make them their dinner one night a week (their request).

My parents are well off. They have helped us with a part of our house deposit and also have taken us on holiday a couple of times and paid for our new driveway. We are also pretty comfortably off now though so pay our own way but when we had less money we did accept gifts gratefully but never asked. My siblings are much more supported by them (houses/flats bought for them etc).

My parents started off married life with a house (the deposit for which was gifted by a rich aunt) but with no furniture or carpets at all. They lived off baked beans and egg on toast and had zero social life apart from mixing with similarly broke couples.
They benefited from the property boom eventually and when they died, their wish was to make things easier for their 6 grandchildren, so half their (substantial) estate went to them, in order for each to be able to buy a house (in the expensive south of England).
But I remember shopping with my mum years ago, as a broke student and my mum was buying a "spare" bedding set for the spare room. Duvet/covers/pillows/coverlets/ valances/cushions... the works. It came to hundred of pounds. I shoved a pair of (much-needed) tights in the trolley basket and my mum asked me for the money for them.
But now, here we are, with a massive financial legacy from them and I feel so darn guilty having a spend.

My parents are well off - family money & work - they paid for our wedding (20 years ago) and pay for a UK holiday (up to £1000 I guess) for Christmas each year. I think that’s very generous - no allowance/deposit/cars/school fees/uni costs etc.

I have friends whose parents pay their children’s school fees, that’s pretty mind boggling to me & even one whose dad gives her his state pension while he lives comfortably off his private income. Different worlds!

Though I have a comfort of knowing that if everything went horribly wrong they’d be willing/able to help us I can’t imagine actually asking them. My brother is independently quite wealthy - he’s taken a completely different approach & pays for everything for his adult children. In his case that’s more about control than generosity.

@BackforGood

Don't think she was well off, but dh's Grandma continued to put aside 50p a week for each of her Grandchildren until she died, when he was 30

Love this!

My Dad has a direct debit set up for me every month, given me a house deposit and bought me a ££ RR car. DH is also sent money every month and we get a holiday from his family. If we're out with family we aren't allowed to pay. My mum still pays my phone contract.

DH has a good job but we're very grateful of the help and support.

No, never. Mine have three houses plus multiple pensions and inheritances etc but constantly plead poverty. They were always incredibly tight when I was growing up so I knew not to expect any help when I left home at 18.

It is almost pathological with DM - for example, I had to pay her tube fare on the one occasion in 20 years that she provided me with a few hours of emergency childcare, and she will spend hours working out elaborate ways of using her over-60s bus pass to crisscross the country for free in order to get to her second or third home. DGM was the same - too tight to put the heating on, but hundreds of thousands squirrelled away in the bank.

So no surprises re: how they acquired the cash, but none of it has ever come my way!

Yes- I know I'm very lucky.

Uni paid for and allowance to live on (only if I worked during the holidays). Car bought for me (third hand fiesta). Contribution to our wedding although we had budgeted to pay for it ourselves. Generally they pay if we go out for coffee but if it's a meal we split it or take turns to pay. They'll pay for building work on our house.

They are also very generous with their time and very involved with their DGC which means more than money to me. Some friends get financial help and their parents have no interest in their DGC.

I wouldn't say my in laws are well off, they have just always been very good with money, as were their parents before them so they have been able to pay it forward to use (dh is only child)
House deposit came from them, money is always available to borrow if needed as long as we make an effort to pay most back and they are currently subbing us £150 a month to help towards our childcare costs. They have also sporadically appeared with generous gifts at Christmas, and once they gave us their old car, but 'gifts' are always dependent on how much they'd helped us throughout the year. Our childcare is finished in January so we will then pay them £100 a month back for quite a few year I imagine, as a gesture of goodwill. So no, we don't get an allowance but a bloody good bit of help that is always very appreciated and takes the edge off. They pay generously into the children's savings accounts as well.

I do think it should be dependent on circumstances though, My friend has very wealthy parents and was lucky enough to marry into another wealthy family. She lives in a big house, doesn't have to work, goes on holiday three or four times a year etc yet begrudges every penny that her parents give to her sister who struggles as she is a single parent, living in a small flat with two teenagers. They have paid for nice things like the odd caravan holiday and towards a reliable car, paid some towards her childcare, and now top up her account with maybe a couple of hundred pounds every now and then, but she refuses their offers of help towards buying a house or anything more as she knows the fallout it will cause with her sister (my friend). Grandparents are desperate to see their grandchildren living in a nice area with better options for schooling etc.
There's absolutely no talking to her about it and making her see sense - if she doesn't get the same amount penny for penny then it causes massive problems. It's sad really and I can see her parents just giving in to her so that they can provide a better life for her sister without all the drama.

We had help from both sets of parents with our house deposit and through university etc.

PILs pay for an extended family holiday every couple of years and always pay if we go out to eat or anything (we always offer, but they only very rarely accept). Their attitude stems partly from the fact that DSIL's family is on a tighter budget than ours (in a middle-class, no holidays kind of way, rather than a worrying about feeding the kids kind of way) and they want to treat her and DH equally.

My parents will treat us to an occasional meal etc, but generally we pay for ourselves. My dad has given us huge amounts of practical help (e.g. designing and fitting kitchens and bathrooms), which has obviously saved us a lot of money.

Both sets would help us if we asked and could afford to do so. I know that makes us very lucky. We are basically financially secure because of our family backgrounds and that is a huge privilege.

On a more general note, I never understand why trying to avoid inheritance tax (e.g. by giving allowances etc) is seen as so totally socially acceptable, even by people who would not, say, pay a tradesman cash in hand, or the very many of us who moan about corporate tax avoidance. It basically is tax avoidance, and tax is there to support society. It's an obvious way of redistributing things a bit so the glaring inequalities between people are reduced. Isn't it?

Not an allowance, no, but they help pay for my private therapy these days? We've also had other specific help with things like a house deposit, and I never had to take student loans etc.

I had a pretty crap childhood, and in some ways would like to have as few ties to my parents as possible, but DH and I are decidedly not well off (and my childhood abuse is part of the reason why my MH has been bad enough that I haven't worked in ages), so I don't feel I can afford to turn away all the help.