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Original poster

Partners ex wife has died

112 replies

Pandoracharm · 07/08/2020 03:30

My partner (of 7 years) ex wife has died they had been split up 9 years & divorced. Have 2 kids 22 & 26. I was being nosey (know I shouldn't) read texts from his daughter saying Mum was sorry she cheated on you & wished you could of got back together. My partner replied we were together 15 years she was the love of my life. What do I do?

OP posts:

BitOfFun · 07/08/2020 03:36

I'd ignore that- you weren't meant to read it, and he was comforting his daughter.

What you should do is try to be supportive- he is bound to have some complicated feelings in his grief. Making it all about you and your insecurities is the very last thing this situation requires.

ReefTeeth · 07/08/2020 03:36

Accept that he is grieving and it's possible that she was the love of his life, but that he can still love you.

And stop reading his texts, especially at this time

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 07/08/2020 03:44

He was comforting his DD and you shouldn’t have read it. He probably did love her deeply at one time, but he wouldn’t have chosen to spend the last 7 years with you if he didn’t love you now.

Let him comfort his DC and just be supportive at this difficult time.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 07/08/2020 03:44

Let it go , those were very very private texts you read particularly at a time like this. I have not been in love with exdh for a long time and as it happens he wasn't the love of my life but a ) I would never tell my DC that and b) he does hold a special place as he is my DC father and there is nothing wrong with that. It does not have any relevance to my love for DP

Seriously though , very much over a lime to read texts between them where she is discussing her mother and her death , step away this is not about you.

Original poster

Pandoracharm · 07/08/2020 03:53

Thank you for the replies much appreciated at this time of morning! I know I shouldn't of read texts. Just shocked me to read she was love of his life. Have low self esteem so not helping

OP posts:

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 07/08/2020 03:56

Well she was the mother of his children too. That will have been relevant. His children have lost their mother, how can you be turning this into about you??

Porridgeoat · 07/08/2020 04:00

He was with her for years and had children. But yes these are private texts of comfort. It’s going to be really difficult time for his children and rather then overthinking the comments you should concentrate on supporting the kids.

Porridgeoat · 07/08/2020 04:01

Yes please stop making this about you

Porridgeoat · 07/08/2020 04:02

Perfect time for you to support DH and kids

Frownette · 07/08/2020 04:16

@Porridgeoat

Perfect time for you to support DH and kids

What do mean perfect? No it's not perfect.

It's the right time to support them. I'm sorry this has happened but allow them this grief.

Iloveyoutothefridgeandback · 07/08/2020 04:24

My mum has always told me that my real dad was the love of her life, despite the fact that she had an affair, divorced him when he wanted to try and make a go of it, and has since married someone else and been very happy with them for 25 years.

I think she lied to make me feel better. It's possible that your partner is doing the same thing here.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/08/2020 04:29

Reading your partner's private texts to his child was a horrible, inexcusable thing to do. You have betrayed them both massively, and instead of allow them to grieve privately, in your mind you have now made this all about you and your fragile ego.

daisychain01 · 07/08/2020 04:38

@Pandoracharm

Thank you for the replies much appreciated at this time of morning! I know I shouldn't of read texts. Just shocked me to read she was love of his life. Have low self esteem so not helping

Be comforted that your DH has the capacity for love, and that he loved the mother of his children and is willing to say those words to them. It will be a huge comfort to them - losing a parent is so painful.

Sorry to say it like this, but this isn't about you, at a time like this.

Can you get some support to help you build your self esteem if it is low?

whywhywhy6 · 07/08/2020 04:48

This really isn’t about you. He is comforting his daughter and I’m sure he did love her at that time. He can also love you now.

Be supportive. Don’t read into this.

snitzelvoncrumb · 07/08/2020 04:54

This is why you shouldn't read other people's texts. She wasn't the love of his life, she gave him his children and they share a history so its understandable that he will look back on his time with her with Rose coloured glasses for a while. Help him through his grief and remember he loves you but will need some time to get over this. You might feel a bit pushed away at times, he may need to comfort his children and have some with them and not you, and that's ok, he may need to resolve past guilt that the relationship didn't work out. Him looking back on his time with her is no reflection on you or your time together, it will be something he needs to go through before he gets to the other side. Follow his lead and support them all the best you can. While its difficult try to remember its not about you, its just them processing their feelings. All the best xx

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/08/2020 05:21

He’s grieving and comforting his dd. I imagine he has very conflicted feelings right now. Your role atm is to care and support him. As others have said, the texts were never meant for your to read. Had he truly wanted to be with her, he wouldn’t be with you.

SteelyPanther · 07/08/2020 06:14

Maybe she was the love of his life. I assume they were young and had the advantage of youthful lust on their side. Engaged, married, first child together, lots of firsts together.
I suppose it depends upon what you would do with that information if it was true ?

I find that, when someone dies like this, they become blameless and almost perfect. All the reasons it didn’t work disappear, the what if’s creep in.
Your hubby and his children are always going to share this part of their lives and you will always be excluded.
I’m sorry that this has come into your life to upset what you have 💐
I have no words of advice other than to get through this grieving period and this damn Covid, and see how it is on the other side.

weathervane1 · 07/08/2020 06:14

At the time when they were happily together, she was the love of his life (he hadn't met you then and he was at a different stage in his life). She was also the mother of his two children and they are grieving. You are now the love of his life. Support him, support his children if the circumstances allow, and then move on together.

Lulooo · 07/08/2020 06:33

I can imagine you being a bit upset by it. I think I would too in your situation. But it's possible that he said that at this time due to grief. When a person dies people tend to have very rosy memories of them and forget the negatives. It's possible that's how your DH is feeling too at this time and it's a true reflection of his heart.

Frannibananni · 07/08/2020 06:33

She was the love of his life AT THE TIME. doesn’t mean he was still in love with her. It shows he is a good person, not a bitter nasty man. His children need to hear positive things about their mother right now.

TW2013 · 07/08/2020 06:52

Do you have your own dc? After the first dc I was worried about whether I would be able to love a second dc or whether I would love the first one less or if I would be constantly comparing how much I loved each one. Turns out that we are capable of loving more than one child equally fiercely. I love different things about them and different things annoy me. I couldn't though choose between them they are all equally loved.

I know that romantic love is different but I think that there are similarities as well so yes he probably does feel bereft at the moment too and at the time she was the love of his life. I think that is a positive. He married her because he loved her, he didn't just marry her because she was there, or a sense of duty due to pregnancy or because she nagged him. Should he have waited 20 odd years for you to come along?

It might be worth looking into counselling to work on your own self esteem, don't let your low self esteem sabotage your life as then those people and circumstances which have led to you feeling like this will have won. Unless your partner contributes to your low self esteem I would cut him a lot of slack at the moment.

Kittykat93 · 07/08/2020 06:55

Why are you reading his messages to his children? That's out of order and if be absolutely furious with you if I was him.

MadameMeursault · 07/08/2020 07:00

Are you worried about losing him? You’re going the right way about making that happen. Stop making this about you. Forget you ever read those messages and try to support him and his DC.

justanotherneighinparadise · 07/08/2020 07:08

That’s what his daughter needed to hear. Let it go.

PineconeOfDoom · 07/08/2020 07:11

Forget you read them and leave his phone alone

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