Partners ex wife has died

[Pandoracharm]

My partner (of 7 years) ex wife has died they had been split up 9 years & divorced. Have 2 kids 22 & 26. I was being nosey (know I shouldn't) read texts from his daughter saying Mum was sorry she cheated on you & wished you could of got back together. My partner replied we were together 15 years she was the love of my life. What do I do?

This is hard for you. I completely agree when others say you shouldn’t have been reading the texts and your job is to be supportive at the moment. However it is very complicated for you. That must have been difficult to read. If you don’t have dc with him then that will always be difficult as that bond is a special one between two parents sometimes even after they have split. I once found myself in a similar position and it can hurt.
However I also agree with others when they say that he uses the past tense and she was special to him and possibly always will be for a time, and it doesn’t negate or diminish what he feels for you. Also he is talking to his dc who have lost their mother and wants to comfort them.
Look after yourself to be able to look after him and he look after them. I can see why you’re hurt but put it into perspective/context.
Me and my dh both acknowledge and talk about exes occasionally (not spouses, first time married in our forties) because they are a significant part of our lives and we met each other late so have histories. Would I rather be with mine/he with his? No way! But they do mean something to us, probably always will.
Take care x

My DDad had an unhappy first marriage and a happier second one. It still hit him hard when his first wife died. He went to her funeral even though DDad and Ex hadn’t spoken in years to support my half siblings (who were all adults). It was important for them to know that however it ended the marriage between their parents mattered.

And of course the first wives want them to be invisible The first wife is dead.

But she's not, and to me reading a message on your husband of seven years phone isn't some massive breach of trust Of course it is. I wouldn't read my DH's messages and we've been together 15 years. He wouldn't read mine.

By the time it was opened it would have been too late to realise what the content was It would obviously have been meant for the daughter. Hugely wrong thing to do.

Well, that's what you get for snooping.
Find someone you trust my love, it can't be good to feel like you need to snoop.

I get that you shouldn't have been sneaking and reading, I get that your partner was seeking to comfort his daughter, I get that he never intended for you to see the messages... but I would be heartbroken by that too. Probably unreasonably so, but it would stay with me. Why am I not the love of his life? Why is the woman who cheated on him and who he was separate from for years the love of his life? It would go round and round inside my head and eat at me.

I think some pp are being extremely unpleasant and overly condemnatory and should take a moment to realise that you, too, are a human being with real feelings. You acknowledged in your first post that you should not have done what you did: other than taking pleasure in giving you a kicking I cannot see why they feel the need to state that over and over and make nasty comments about your character.

to me reading a message on your husband of seven years phone isn't some massive breach of trust

Is that a joke? Not a massive breach of trust? FFS some people's morals are questionable, at best.

OP, you've had quite a blunt response to your post. Can I gently implore you to never confront your DP with what you've read? I think it'll end badly for you. Ex or not, he lives this woman enough to have children with her aid question his humanity if he wasn't upset. Leave him deal with his DD's grief in his own way and, if you want to support him in any way, tell him and his DD's that you are there if they ever need anything. Offer his DD's a welcoming and safe home and be as practical in your help as possible. That's the best you can do.

For yourself, try and build your self esteem and think logically about this whole situation.

I'm sorry for their loss

*he loved this woman enough

Sorry for the typos

*and I'd question his humanity if he wasn't upset.

I wish MN had edit function 😫

It was most likely a kind untruth designed to make his children feel happier at a dreadful time for them. He’s hardly going to say “aw darling it’s sad she’s died, but I couldn’t stand her and would never have got back with her”... Just back him up and help him support his grieving children. He has every right to feel sad himself and think about the times that we’re good with her all those years ago. It doesn’t alter the fact that he’s with you now, has been for years and is happy.

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

Going against the grain but I think it was wholly inappropriate to say that to his DD when he is in another long term relationship. There are ways of comforting his child, without disrespecting his current partner. He could have said that she meant a lot to him too, that he regretted the way things ended, without using 'love of my life'.

I wouldn't want to be with a man who saw me as his second choice or who gave that impression about our relationship to other people (even his own DC).

Yes, snooping is wrong, but I would want to discuss this with him before committing even more of my life.
Call me cold, but I'd not be expecting to give emotional support to my partner because his ex wife died. I'd expect him to be a bit sad because of shared history, but full on grief? No, I'd expect him to not be feeling that level of emotion if he'd been divorced 9 years and in a relationship with me for 7!
I would expect my support to him to be focused on how best to help the children.

I actually agree with this.

That phrase "love of my life" has the potential to cause a lot of problems, even if OP had never seen it.

For all of you trying to explain it away as "Well, she was the love of his life then" and all the other ways of twisting it, you're forgetting that his DD will not be taking the phrase as anything other than face value. Why would she, she trusts her dad.

And the DD may, in her grief, start seeing the OP as an interloper, who had prevented her parents getting back together, which would sour any relationship between OP and the DD. OK, that's one possibility, there are others.

There are many ways he could have comforted his DD, but that particular phrase isn't one.

If I were in OP's shoes, the worry I'd have right now is that the DP will, in his grief, put his ex on a pedestal. That would have a lot of impact on his relationship with OP. I wouldn't stay in a relationship where I became second best.

OP, I suggest you support him to support his DC, and maybe watch how your relationship progresses through his grieving. If he does start to put his ex up on a pedestal, thats something real in your relationship you can talk to him about, without mentioning the message you saw on the phone.

@Badtasteflump

I don't blame you for being upset OP and I'm sorry you're getting a pasting on this thread. MN is a funny place sometimes and I've noticed just lately that "It's not all about you" has become the 'in' phrase to dish out if you disagree with somebody. Personally I think it's inappropriate and disrespectful to your relationship for him to tell his DC that their mother was 'the love of his life'. He could have told them he had loved her; that he's also sorry the relationship didn't work out, etc.... there are a whole manner if comforting things he could have said to his DC without belittling your importance to him. Having said that, I don't know what you can do or say now as you were snooping, unfortunately. But I don't blame you for being hurt

Definitely this ^ & what @MulticolourMophead said.

No problem with him saying he's sorry things ended how they did, but he loved her too & is so happy they had her & her sibling etc.

But saying she was the love of his life undermines the relationship THEY have with the OP & it's not the right way to have gone about things.

However, OP, I'd TRY not to take it to heart. He was replying to his DD's (probably unexpected)message about her mother's feelings & was probably just trying to comfort her...I disagree with how he did it (and it may cause problems with his DD & you going forward) but it wasn't malicious & probably not even really true.

I wouldn't be surprised if a few other things are said that are unintentionally hurtful, but he's grieving not only for a woman he had children with & 'young love' but also for his children's huge loss.

Give him time, & then see how you feel in the relationship, but base it on the way he treats you, not one text where he was trying to comfort his daughter.

Tell him you understand he loved her & must be upset for himself as well as his children, support him through this because it must be hell to watch his children lose their mother