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Original poster

Partners ex wife has died

112 replies

Pandoracharm · 07/08/2020 03:30

My partner (of 7 years) ex wife has died they had been split up 9 years & divorced. Have 2 kids 22 & 26. I was being nosey (know I shouldn't) read texts from his daughter saying Mum was sorry she cheated on you & wished you could of got back together. My partner replied we were together 15 years she was the love of my life. What do I do?

OP posts:
KaptainKaveman · 07/08/2020 07:14

@GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat

Well she was the mother of his children too. That will have been relevant. His children have lost their mother, how can you be turning this into about you??
+1.
UseItUp · 07/08/2020 07:15

This is the trouble with reading things you shouldn’t – what do you then do with the information if it’s not what you wanted to read?

Of course it’s understandable why reading this has upset you, however now is not the time to be bringing up relationship insecurities with him, and besides which you really shouldn’t have read it at all.

You have to let it go for now.

hammie46i · 07/08/2020 07:16

@Lulooo

I can imagine you being a bit upset by it. I think I would too in your situation. But it's possible that he said that at this time due to grief. When a person dies people tend to have very rosy memories of them and forget the negatives. It's possible that's how your DH is feeling too at this time and it's a true reflection of his heart.
^^

This.

OllyBJolly · 07/08/2020 07:19

As soon as a man tells me his ex wife is a psycho, never loved her, useless mother etc etc etc then he sinks in my estimation. It shows either very poor judgement in getting into a bad relationship, or more likely he's trying to justify shitting on her.

When a man says he loved the mother of his children despite them no longer being together, I think "good person".

When DSis died, exBIL was a rock for his children, as he was during her long illness despite being in another relationship. As far as I know, he always spoke very respectfully of her. Good person.

You have a good man there, OP. Cherish that.

Prokupatuscrakedatus · 07/08/2020 07:24

You simply do not read texts, letters, postcards - anything not adressed to you.

If you feel you have to do this - have an open talk before you do and end the relationship if necessary.

Nobody has to tailor their private messages to prop up sb elses ego.

whiteroseredrose · 07/08/2020 07:26

I wouldn't read too much into it.

She may well have been the 'love of his life' in a way. They had children together and had all the family stuff.

But she smashed it, remember. At the moment, because she's died, he's remembering the good bits.

My DF died when I was about the same age as his DDs , I was 25. My DM was distraught, even though they'd been divorced for years. Apparently it was like losing an old college friend. She remembered the fun they'd had and was very upset that he'd gone. Didn't mean that she'd ever regretted splitting up.

Azerothi · 07/08/2020 07:29

If you're reading your boyfriends texts there is something else going on here. She was his wife and had his children and it sounds like she was the love of his life until she cheated.

You want your ego stroked and it has backfired. Are you very young and insecure? Did you not know your boyfriend had been married before he met you?

FightMilkTM · 07/08/2020 07:31

Bloody hell, I thought this was going to be a thread asking about how YOU could support HIM Shock

You know, given the fact that his ex-wife and the mother of his children just died Confused. If they have a 26 yr old and they’ve been split up 9 years then they must have been together at least 17 years. Regardless of how it ended this must been such a difficult time for him. Have some compassion.

MaybeDoctor · 07/08/2020 07:39

A woman has died and two very young people have lost their mother. Do you know the pain and sorrow they will be feeling?

Get some perspective.

pictish · 07/08/2020 07:41

When my mum died, she and my father had been separated for over 20 years. My dad had long since remarried and his second wife was a much better fit for him than my mother ever was. The two of them had a genuinely happy marriage where there was a lot of tolerance, tenderness, regard and care between them. His marriage to my mother was fraught, miserable and painful.
He still pedalled out the ‘love of my life’ schtick when my mum died. He was devastated.
I think what ‘love of my life’ meant was, ‘20 years, two children, built a life together, tore each other apart.’
My mum was the person he had children with, went to work to support, built a home around and planned a long future with. When she died, history dictated that a little part of him died too. All the memories came back and he was overwhelmed by them in the moment.

His second wife understood completely. She’s a star and without a doubt was the true love of his life. They were a great match and had many happy years together before he died.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/08/2020 07:43

What do you want to do OP? Has what he said to his DD jarred with how he spoke about her in the past? If so which version do you believe is true?

They may have had children together but she had an affair and that probably destroyed his life for a while. Just because she’s died doesn’t wipe away the hurt she caused him and their children so I can see why you’re shocked by what he said.

Given the usual response to anyone who’s cheated on here it’s interesting that the ex is being spoken of like some sort of saint. OP snooped on his phone, the ex cheated on her husband and blew her family’s life apart - they’re hardly of equal malice. I’m only surprised no one has yet suggested he made her cheat.

TableFlowerss · 07/08/2020 07:47

@ReefTeeth

Accept that he is grieving and it's possible that she was the love of his life, but that he can still love you.

And stop reading his texts, especially at this time Hmm

That’s not fair. I wouldn’t want to be with someone where the love of their life was an ex.

Stepping outside of this situation which is particularly sad- the OP shouldn’t have read it, I agree, but if it was true. I would leave him. I wouldn’t be someone second best.

An ex is an ex for a reason. The only way that could be acceptable is if the wife died when they were together. A couple that loses a partner through loss like passing away, didn’t chose that. They would still be together had the partner not died. So I can understand them seeing their deceased partner as the love of their life.

When they’ve split up did 9 years then I don’t think the OP should accept it.

TableFlowerss · 07/08/2020 07:49

Or should I say- she shouldn’t have to accept it just because if the sad circumstances

crankysaurus · 07/08/2020 07:49

Step away from the texts.

Best thing you can do now is to support him in his grief and that will include him and his children reflecting on the good times as well as negative emotions. If they were together for a long time he will be revisiting a lot of emotions that he had when they split, and it's okay for him to say he loved her.

This doesn't have a bearing on him and you, supporting him through this will strengthen your relationship, dwelling on your insecurities and taking this as a slight to you won't. I'd suggest though you get help elsewhere for now for issues round your self esteem (including your relationship in normal times if needed).

BrimFullOfAsher · 07/08/2020 07:49

They were married, and together for 15 years. I'd hope she was the love of his life, at least for a while

Tappering · 07/08/2020 07:51

It's very easy to look back on a relationship with rose tinted spectacles on - especially if you are doing it through an additional lens of shock and grief.

If she truly was the love of his life, then they would have been together, wouldn't they? Other people recover from affairs, so it is possible. It's telling that they didn't.

I know it must be hurtful to read that, but I suspect it's an off the cuff comment which was intended to comfort his daughter.

FinnyStory · 07/08/2020 07:53

I'd hope she was the love of his life at the time, as she was mother to is children. If guess that changed when she cheated on him though.

You never learn anything that will make you happy from snooping though. He sounds lovely, supporting his daughter. Make this about you now and it won't matter what was behind the text.

DailyKegelReminder · 07/08/2020 07:53

I would ignore it. He was comforting his daughter, himself too. He wouldn't exactly reply "aww that's nice" to his child grieving for her DM.

I can imagine it stung a bit to read but by mentioning it you risk putting yourself in to a strange competition, that you will not win. Plus like a PP said, they have children together so naturally he will be looking back at just the fond memories.

MacduffsMuff · 07/08/2020 07:57

Reading your partner's private texts to his child was a horrible, inexcusable thing to do. You have betrayed them both massively, and instead of allow them to grieve privately, in your mind you have now made this all about you and your fragile ego.

This x 100.

minnieok · 07/08/2020 07:57

It's possible to love more than once. I'm split from the father of my kids but would be heartbroken if he died young, not because I don't love my dp deeply but because I will always share a bond with exh having been together over half my life. It's possible to split romantically but still care as a friend and those text were to comfort a grieving child.

FinnyStory · 07/08/2020 08:00

A colleague has just taken early retirement after not coping at all with the death of her ex, her daughter's father, she's completely broken by it. He was a horrible man, she knows she was far better off without him but he was her daughter's father, daughter is far too young to lose her dad, it leaves sole parenting responsibility with her (that never goes away, no matter how old the children are) and there's a lot of guilt that DD was deprived of time with her father because she couldn't make the relationship work. And yes, she did love him a lot when DD was born. It's a time of very complex feelings.

Coffeeandbeans · 07/08/2020 08:03

Do you know what it is like to lose a mother or a partner? His children are young. They need supporting. She probably was the love of his life at that time. He said the right thing to his children - that is what they would want to hear. As children we want our parents to have loved each other.

Please don’t make this all about you. If you do you will lose his children and possibly your partner. Grief for a parent or an ex partner can be over welming.

ineedaholidaynow · 07/08/2020 08:04

I am sure my MIL will be upset if FIL dies, and not just for DH and BIL’s sake. He most definitely was the love of her life. But he cheated on her and left her for the OW, so a bit like a bereavement she had no choice. They have been divorced for years and both remarried since.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 07/08/2020 08:08

Don’t feel shamed by all these comments, OP. It’s very likely he was just saying that to comfort his daughter. But I can understand why it hurt you.

BeaUnder · 07/08/2020 08:10

If my ex died I'd tell my DC the same.

I hate him.