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Original poster

Partners ex wife has died

112 replies

Pandoracharm · 07/08/2020 03:30

My partner (of 7 years) ex wife has died they had been split up 9 years & divorced. Have 2 kids 22 & 26. I was being nosey (know I shouldn't) read texts from his daughter saying Mum was sorry she cheated on you & wished you could of got back together. My partner replied we were together 15 years she was the love of my life. What do I do?

OP posts:
areyoubeingserviced · 07/08/2020 08:12

My father left my mother when I was a very young child. However, when he died, she went on about how he was the ‘love of her life’ I know for a fact that he wasn’t the love of her life, but a little bit of me wanted to believe it.
Op, I think you are totally out of order reading his texts ( particularly between himself and his daughter)
You really need to work in your self esteem

Standrewsschool · 07/08/2020 08:12

I can understand why that hurt.

However, try to read it as a father comforting his daughter, and it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you.

crankysaurus · 07/08/2020 08:14

Can I ask why you read his texts on the first place?

MoreListeningLessChatting · 07/08/2020 08:14

@Pandoracharm

Be nice to yourself.

He was comforting his daughter in time of grief. Daughter was basically saying that mum had felt sorry for what she did and passed her sorrow on and your partner responded.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 07/08/2020 08:15

Don’t feel shamed by all these comments, OP. It’s very likely he was just saying that to comfort his daughter. But I can understand why it hurt you. My DH knows I mourn my previous DP — we had split up but remained friends and he later died. He was my first love and DH is my last love. I hope in normal times you and your DP show each other your love.

Extraction20 · 07/08/2020 08:18

Just add "at the time" to it in your head, file it away and move on.

saraclara · 07/08/2020 08:19

Reading your partner's private texts to his child was a horrible, inexcusable thing to do. You have betrayed them both massively, and instead of allow them to grieve privately, in your mind you have now made this all about you and your fragile ego.

Yes. This OP wins the most self centred OP of the month.
The woman is no threat to you. She's dead.
Why the hell is your focus not on your husband and his DC?

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 07/08/2020 08:24

Going against the grain but I think it was wholly inappropriate to say that to his DD when he is in another long term relationship. There are ways of comforting his child, without disrespecting his current partner. He could have said that she meant a lot to him too, that he regretted the way things ended, without using 'love of my life'.

I wouldn't want to be with a man who saw me as his second choice or who gave that impression about our relationship to other people (even his own DC).

Yes, snooping is wrong, but I would want to discuss this with him before committing even more of my life.
Call me cold, but I'd not be expecting to give emotional support to my partner because his ex wife died. I'd expect him to be a bit sad because of shared history, but full on grief? No, I'd expect him to not be feeling that level of emotion if he'd been divorced 9 years and in a relationship with me for 7!
I would expect my support to him to be focused on how best to help the children.

crimsonlake · 07/08/2020 08:26

You should indeed feel very ashamed by reading private texts between father and daughter at this very emotionally distressing time. You have crossed a line here.

KarenKarendson · 07/08/2020 08:30

Don't make this about you at a time like this. That would be unforgivable. Undoubtedly she was the love of his life back then. Now he's with you. And stop reading his private texts to his daughter 🙄

Teddybelle · 07/08/2020 08:30

Some really superior, holier than thou comments on here! No, we shouldn’t read other people’s messages or mail but it happens. Insecurity can make us do things like that even when we know it’s not right or a good idea. I can understand why you’re upset OP, I would be too. But as some have already said, It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you and it’s so easy to look back with rose-tinted glasses. When someone you once loved dies, it will bring up really complicated feelings. You’ll think about the good times and maybe forget the bad bits. Try to support him and his kids, and give him space, and he’ll love you for it.

Aneley · 07/08/2020 08:31

100% out of order reading his texts.

'Love of my life' is not necessarily measured in happiness but rather strength of feelings and life-changing events shared together. Having children together would do that. When we're young, we tend to be less rational and feel more strongly or at least our feelings are less balanced with our rational thinking about a relationship thus people we have feelings for when we're very young tend to get the title 'love of my life'.

It doesn't mean what comes next is any less 'love', any less deep, any less real or any less good. It can make one way happier and be more complete than the previous one.

oakleaffy · 07/08/2020 08:32

Reading texts and snooping is never good.....
I know a divorced couple and the ex husband said to his first wife
''leaving was my biggest mistake'' {many years had passed by this time}
It is probably common..the first love and all that..
I'd be really upset if my ex husband died, too.

Don't snoop...ever. No good ever comes from it. {Speaking from experience here, when I snooped at some letters years ago.}

KarenKarendson · 07/08/2020 08:36

Some really superior, holier than thou comments on here! No, we shouldn’t read other people’s messages or mail but it happens.

Not to me it doesn't. Confused I don't feel the need to poke through my partner's letters or text. It's not something that just happens. You make an active choice to do it. Holier than thou for managing to have some restraint and respect other people's privacy? Think that says more about you than anyone else.

Illuyanka · 07/08/2020 08:36

I really don't get it. What did you expect? Their mum just died. What did you think the right responce to his daughters? Say no way, I hated your mum, glad we went separate ways?
Also it's very horibble to do thing like this at times like this. He spent years with this person, had children together.
It's not the time for you to reflect your own insecurity and cause trouble.

AnneOfQueenSables · 07/08/2020 08:43

You don't do anything. As PPs have said, he was comforting his DC, trying to help them preserve positive memories of their DM and will be grieving the life and family he built with her.
Also for some people 'love of my life' means big, tempestuous, dramatic affair. It doesn't mean sustainable, settled, secure.
Complain on here about it but don't take it to him Flowers

Prokupatuscrakedatus · 07/08/2020 08:45

I am one of those tagged as 'holier than ...' - I have never in all my 34 years of partneship read a message that was not adressed to me.
You simply do not do this.
(+ where I live it is a criminal offence if you have to open sth to get at the content)

Catapultme · 07/08/2020 08:47

She WAS the love of his life. I.e. when they got married and had kids. You're the love of his life now

MacduffsMuff · 07/08/2020 08:48

@Teddybelle sorry, I disagree that objecting to reading someone's texts between a grieving child and their father is 'holier than thou'. There's no grey area there for me (and most people I should think). While you may say 'it happens' I think the context here is completely different from a distressed partner who fears their partner is being unfaithful. The OP herself says she was just being 'nosy'.

These people are grieving.

Teddybelle · 07/08/2020 08:53

^ I don't feel the need to poke through my partner's letters or text. It's not something that just happens. You make an active choice to do it. Holier than thou for managing to have some restraint and respect other people's privacy? Think that says more about you than anyone else.^

I don’t poke through my husband’s mail or texts. But I once read a letter to an ex boyfriend through insecurity. I wanted to know if he was seeing someone else. Surely we all do things we know are wrong from time to time? No one is 100 per cent perfect. It doesn’t make us bad people, just human. (It doesn’t mean we actively do those things all the time either by the way.)

Pippioddstocking · 07/08/2020 08:53

What a difficult thing for you to read.

I can only give you my own experience. My Mother and I had an awful relationship , she was neglectful and abusive and the mental abuse continued until the day she died but do you know what, the grief was overwhelming. I grieved for a childhood I never had, a mother I never had, an imagined future I never had. I cried buckets and it was months until I got over it.

Even though they were divorced and she cheated, your partner is going to find his exW death very difficult. Just imagine him being on a strange grief roller coaster. He will say and do things for the next few weeks/ months that will be the grief talking. Help him and support him but don't for a second think he loves you less because of it.

Big hug

snowone · 07/08/2020 08:54

It is possible to love more than once and in different ways OP!

I suspect your partner is trying to comfort his child but I also would perhaps work on accepting that he did love her in a different way than he loves you.

ravenmum · 07/08/2020 08:56

What you do is, you appreciate the fact that you have a kind husband who's good with people, who does not hold a grudge, and whose ex even regretted treating him badly. Maybe he is even nice enough that he has helped you deal with your self-doubt over the years?
You shouldn't have looked. But actually, you could now even use that information to help support him at this hard time - you could say "I know you must have loved her deeply". It might help him to know that you understand that and he's allowed to talk about it. Only if you are up to that, obviously, but it could really be worth making the effort to swallow your doubts, if it helps him.

Enoughnowstop · 07/08/2020 08:58

What should you do?

Accept your partner had a full and happy life before he met you and that right now, he probably is feeling all sorts of emotions that really he can only share with his children. Recognise that he is entitled to privacy in his communications with his children. Accept that he might be a bit different for a while as he grieves and do what you can to make the process easier for him with your support and commitment. I actually feel quite sickened by your post - that there are so many people who think everything is about them. Basically you’ve taken a serious event in your partner and children’s lives and put yourself at the centre of it. You could get some counselling to work on your self esteem.

TableFlowerss · 07/08/2020 08:58

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

Going against the grain but I think it was wholly inappropriate to say that to his DD when he is in another long term relationship. There are ways of comforting his child, without disrespecting his current partner. He could have said that she meant a lot to him too, that he regretted the way things ended, without using 'love of my life'.

I wouldn't want to be with a man who saw me as his second choice or who gave that impression about our relationship to other people (even his own DC).

Yes, snooping is wrong, but I would want to discuss this with him before committing even more of my life.
Call me cold, but I'd not be expecting to give emotional support to my partner because his ex wife died. I'd expect him to be a bit sad because of shared history, but full on grief? No, I'd expect him to not be feeling that level of emotion if he'd been divorced 9 years and in a relationship with me for 7!
I would expect my support to him to be focused on how best to help the children.

Completely agree. He could have said ‘your mum was a great person, everyone loved her, she’ll be hugely missed’
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