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Original poster

Partners ex wife has died

112 replies

Pandoracharm · 07/08/2020 03:30

My partner (of 7 years) ex wife has died they had been split up 9 years & divorced. Have 2 kids 22 & 26. I was being nosey (know I shouldn't) read texts from his daughter saying Mum was sorry she cheated on you & wished you could of got back together. My partner replied we were together 15 years she was the love of my life. What do I do?

OP posts:
WeAllHaveWings · 07/08/2020 09:00

@Prokupatuscrakedatus

I am one of those tagged as 'holier than ...' - I have never in all my 34 years of partneship read a message that was not adressed to me. You simply do not do this. (+ where I live it is a criminal offence if you have to open sth to get at the content)
Ditto. Add me to the holier than now list.

I respect other people privacy, I'm in my 50's and would never open/read someone else's snail mail, now I would never read someone elses private/text messages. I just wouldn't even consider it.

Anyone that would read texts without permission, would you open someone elses mail? Probably not because it means you would get caught!

If you are insecure that is an even bigger reason not to read messages it just fuels your insecurity.

ravenmum · 07/08/2020 09:02

He was telling the truth, in private, to his daughter, who he knows is not going to go running to OP with that. He wasn't to know that OP would snoop.

ErickBroch · 07/08/2020 09:06

YABVU for reading those texts - he is grieving and comforting his children who have just lost their mother! Look at yourself.

Vodkacranberryplease · 07/08/2020 09:12

Well we don't have the background. Things could have been difficult- people usually snoop if there's a particular thing they are worried about. I don't but if the situation was bad enough and I wanted to find the truth out I might.

So, OP, do you feel second best? Like the consolation prize after he couldn't be with her because she cheated? If so maybe this is a good time to suddenly discover a work project or something you need to be busy with. Obviously you have to support him in his grief but she's his ex and he's been with you 7 years so he shouldn't be flinging himself on the ground tearing his hair out with grief.

And are his children lovely to you and accepting? Or have they always treated you like the interloper? If so then their grief could make them worse to you so I would be inclined to treat all of this as a private family matter and keep away. Find something to occupy yourself with and be generally supportive but not so much that anyone can use it against you. It may be that right now you can do no right, and adding some distance without making it a big deal is a wise move.

Runmybathforme · 07/08/2020 09:18

Well, obviously you shouldn’t have been reading his texts, but I would be really hurt by this. Not sure I could get past it.

formerbabe · 07/08/2020 09:20

Seriously? What do you think he's going to do? Leave you for her?

She's dead, she was the mother of his children. Pretend you never saw it.

WarmSausageTea · 07/08/2020 09:23

how can you be turning this into about you??

My partner has form for sometimes making things about others about him, and I can tell you it’s poisonous.

Take this on the chin (while remembering it might not be true), support him and his children, appreciate what you’ve got, and get some help for your low self-esteem.

And leave his damned phone alone.

starfishmummy · 07/08/2020 09:23

You do nothing. You help him to support his children who have lost a parent, and you support him, because even though they were no longer together he has still lost someone who was a significant part of his life.

And younstart that support by keeping quiet about what you have read. And by stopping spying on him

PalTheGent · 07/08/2020 09:44

Death makes angels of us all and gives us wings where we had shoulders smooth as ravens claws...

Coffeeandbeans · 07/08/2020 09:46

I lost my mum at 24. I was heart broken. My father was too wrapped up in his own grief and guilt to support me. Your partner sounds like a lovely man who has a good relationship with his children. His response was the right response to his daughter. It doesn’t mean he loves you any-less. At that time she was the love of his life. Now you are the love of his life.

You need to sort out your insecurities. More and more times on these threads I’m reading about people’s insecurities as an excuse for poor behaviour. It’s not fair. Get some help and try and sort your anxieties out. Otherwise you will be unhappy for ever. As your partner and step daughter know life is short.

FeelLiedTo · 07/08/2020 09:47

He probably just said to make his daughter feel better

julybaby32 · 07/08/2020 09:54

Please don't take it out on your partner's adult children. They are a human beings too. Other people also suffer low self esteem. You aren't the only one. Look on the bright side, their mother wished they could have got back together and they evidently didn't - because you partner was with you.

AllsortsofAwkward · 07/08/2020 09:56

How dare you invade his privacy and read personal messages from his daughter about her deceased mother thats a new low, you had no right.

MacduffsMuff · 07/08/2020 09:58

@Teddybelle

But I once read a letter to an ex boyfriend through insecurity. I wanted to know if he was seeing someone else.

That's hardly the same thing is it? As you quite rightly said, we all do things we shouldn't sometimes, but surely we all have a 'line' we don't cross (although I understand everyone's line is different).

Someone in a heightened state of anxiety because they think their partner is cheating on them may well make the rash decision to check an email/texts etc because they're not thinking straight. Checking the messages from a father comforting a grieving daughter when her mum has died 'because she was being 'nosy' (as the OP says), is quite a different thing.

Vodkacranberryplease · 07/08/2020 09:59

@AllsortsofAwkward her partner of seven years. Not some bloke she met three months ago. Stop projecting.

MacduffsMuff · 07/08/2020 10:01

More and more times on these threads I’m reading about people’s insecurities as an excuse for poor behaviour. It’s not fair.

I completely agree @Coffeeandbeans. We all have insecurities and I'm fed up with people using it as a 'get out' for shitty behaviour.

TheGodmother · 07/08/2020 10:04

A girl has lost her mother far too young, and her dad is saying anything to make her feel better. Of course he will say that, they made lovely children together. The daughter needs as much love and reassurance she can get during this time.

It does not mean he loves you less. He never did get back with her did he? He's with you!

Please don't make this about you during this sad time.

AllsortsofAwkward · 07/08/2020 10:06

Vodkacranberryplease regardless if shes married to him 7 years or 7 months that gaves her no right to read her husbands private messages to his child comforting her about the lost of her mother. Not sure how you consider my comment to be projecting, she shouldn't be reading any messages between his children they should be able to have private conversations 🤔

wildcherries · 07/08/2020 10:09

@Aquamarine1029

Reading your partner's private texts to his child was a horrible, inexcusable thing to do. You have betrayed them both massively, and instead of allow them to grieve privately, in your mind you have now made this all about you and your fragile ego.
I couldn't agree more.

What you should do is support your partner. This is not even a little bit about you.

Badtasteflump · 07/08/2020 10:12

I don't blame you for being upset OP and I'm sorry you're getting a pasting on this thread. MN is a funny place sometimes and I've noticed just lately that "It's not all about you" has become the 'in' phrase to dish out if you disagree with somebody.

Personally I think it's inappropriate and disrespectful to your relationship for him to tell his DC that their mother was 'the love of his life'. He could have told them he had loved her; that he's also sorry the relationship didn't work out, etc.... there are a whole manner if comforting things he could have said to his DC without belittling your importance to him.

Having said that, I don't know what you can do or say now as you were snooping, unfortunately. But I don't blame you for being hurt Flowers

Vodkacranberryplease · 07/08/2020 10:15

I'm pretty sure she's been involved with them since they were teens when her and DH met. No doubt has been to their school things, bought them presents, cooked and cleaned for them. Everyone on MN wants the stepmum to prostrate themselves in front of their DSC and give up their lives but mysteriously remain on the outside - appearing only when it's convenient.

And of course the first wives want them to be invisible. But she's not, and to me reading a message on your husband of seven years phone isn't some massive breach of trust. By the time it was opened it would have been too late to realise what the content was.

'A new low' and 'how dare you' is pretty unfair. Imho.

SunshineCake · 07/08/2020 10:22

What you should do is support your husband and step children in their grief for the loss of someone they loved and their mother. This is not about you and if you feel shit it serves you right for reading stuff you weren't entitled to read.

AllsortsofAwkward · 07/08/2020 10:32

Vodkacranberryplease that is no excuse, the children are allowed a separate relationship to their sm, are you a sm by an chance? Its the same if parents are still together I would expect to have a conversation with my mother and that be confidential and she not disclose that to my df, its the same principle. The dc are entitled to that and trumps ops insecurity.

Coffeeandbeans · 07/08/2020 11:04

It’s not inappropriate of the father to say that to his daughter. It was the right thing to say to his grieving daughter. It was inappropriate of the op to read a very private message between a father and a child. Why On earth would you do that? I would explode if you did that to me and my child of their father had died.

Coffeeandbeans · 07/08/2020 11:07

And it’s got nothing to do with bashing of step mothers. It was wrong to read his private text message. You knew what you were doing when you picked up his phone. This isn’t like a wife being worried about her H having an affair. You would have seen his daughters name and you opened that text. Just unbelievable.