How to handle a convo with DH

WizenedFilly · 2020-07-31T10:41:31+00:00

Hey guys and girls, Have posted recently about things between DH and I. Not to drip feed, we have 4 DC, live in a semi (with a small mortgage) and can just about afford to live. Neither of us have a pension. DH is in his 40's and I am in my 30's We are heavily reliant on WTC, and both are low earners. DH has his own Limited Company and I work for a supermarket. DH was offered a job which would pay 4 times his salary. He doesn't want to take it, as he likes being his own boss. I can't go full time as I look after the children before and after my work. I really want more out of life. I would like to move to a bigger house and not have to worry about what we buy for food etc etc. How do I have this conversation with him, without causing an argument? I know he is happy with our life and home, he doesn't want a bigger mortgage etc. But I feel like we are at a stalemate. He is happy with life, but I am not. If I start a convo he will argue that this is the only thing he knows, and that he is content. Then I thought maybe I should write a letter [confused] and explain how I feel and that I would like more out of life. But I am an adult and should be able to have an adult convo with him. Just feel so stuck with it all x

TSSDNCOP · 31/07/2020 12:41

Can he try the new job whilst suspending his own business for say a year?

Otherwise what's his business plan to grow his business?

Finally, what's stopping you looking for a higher paid job?

Chickenwing · 31/07/2020 12:43

It isnt fair to put this on your husband. He is happy with what he earns and the way he lives. If it is you that wants a better standard of life you should persue a better paying job yourself.

CatherinedeBourgh · 31/07/2020 12:48

I agree with chickenwing. Going from being your own boss to an employee when you don’t have to is not something I would be willing to do.

Original poster

WizenedFilly · 31/07/2020 12:53

Completely agree that it is my ambition and not his. I can't go full time, as have our dc before and after school/childcare. He works 40+ hours a week, whereas I only work 20 hours. His business cant afford to pay him more and it has basically been failing for twenty years, i earn more than him on half the amount of hours he does. x

OP posts:

Original poster

WizenedFilly · 31/07/2020 12:56

Sorry tss, if he put his business on hold for a year, the business would go under within a month.
There are no business plans for the future.
I have the children before and after school, so cant increase my hours x

OP posts:

pawpawpawpaw · 31/07/2020 12:59

Would dh reduce his hours and do childcare to free you up to get better-paying ft work? If he just wants everything to stay the same which means you do childcare + work + the endless minutiae of keeping to budget while he pootles along playing at his failing business it isn't really a compromise is it? Or if it is it's just you doing the compromising.

BarbaraofSeville · 31/07/2020 13:02

Is being moved to universal credit an issue for you - I know that they're supposed to be moving everyone over, but not sure of the timescale.

They're also supposed to be cracking down on unprofitable businesses, whether intentionally set up to exploit WTC credit entitlements or where that wasn't the intention, but you're in that position anyway. Could he do his business part time and look after DC, do drop offs etc and you work full time?

What's your DHs hourly rate? Do they assume that he earns NMW or does this requirement not affect you? Is his business one that could be described as a 'hobby business' ie it's not really commercial and wouldn't be viable without the WTC. How old are your DC? A lot of people in your position have come unstuck when DC have got older and benefit entitlement has dropped. When you're a couple with no DC at home, chances are that you'll be entitled to no benefits whatsoever, even if you're on very low wages, you're expected to support yourself by working full time and earning at least NMW. Would telling him that you're worried about ending up in this position help you?

minmooch · 31/07/2020 13:05

40 hours a week for 20 years in a failing business. Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Why oh why is your dh doing this? He has a family to co-parent and has joint responsibility for. Which means he steps up. Stop messing with a failing business get a proper paying job. If he earnt more in the same 40 hours you could at least pay for childcare to allow you to increase your hours/earning ability.

His failing business sounds like a sunken cost fallacy. It's time he faced up to reality.

Tappering · 31/07/2020 13:12

But if you are the main earner even though being on PT hours, then you are effectively subsidising your DH's choice to run a FT hobby business - because that's what it is. And it's completely dependent on you only working PT, so that you can do the childcare to enable him to spend 40 hours a week on something that pays less than your PT job.

What will be the impact of you being moved onto UC? What would happen if you were not able to work? Or conversely, if you said to your H that you were going to go back to work FT?

DioneTheDiabolist · 31/07/2020 13:15

Why did he apply for a job that he has no intention of doing?

tenlittlecygnets · 31/07/2020 13:17

Your h's business must be doing v badly if you earn more than him working part time in a supermarket! Essentially it's a hobby business, not a family-supporting business.

Your dh could either take this job
Or he could start looking after the dc to allow you to increase your hours or look for a different job.

Original poster

WizenedFilly · 31/07/2020 13:33

Would dh reduce his hours and do childcare to free you up to get better-paying ft work? If he just wants everything to stay the same which means you do childcare + work + the endless minutiae of keeping to budget while he pootles along playing at his failing business it isn't really a compromise is it? Or if it is it's just you doing the compromising.

If DH lowered his hours, the business would go completely bust, as the overheads would still be the same.

*Is being moved to universal credit an issue for you - I know that they're supposed to be moving everyone over, but not sure of the timescale.

They're also supposed to be cracking down on unprofitable businesses, whether intentionally set up to exploit WTC credit entitlements or where that wasn't the intention, but you're in that position anyway. Could he do his business part time and look after DC, do drop offs etc and you work full time?

What's your DHs hourly rate? Do they assume that he earns NMW or does this requirement not affect you? Is his business one that could be described as a 'hobby business' ie it's not really commercial and wouldn't be viable without the WTC. How old are your DC? A lot of people in your position have come unstuck when DC have got older and benefit entitlement has dropped. When you're a couple with no DC at home, chances are that you'll be entitled to no benefits whatsoever, even if you're on very low wages, you're expected to support yourself by working full time and earning at least NMW. Would telling him that you're worried about ending up in this position help you?*

Business won't be viable part time as he will still have all his overheads. When it was just him and not us (and the kids) it worked for him. The business was making losses (it is LTD company so he was classed as employed iyswim) but he still paid himself a wage. Whereas now he has had to halve his wage two years ago as the business can't afford it. Hourly rate works out at £4 ! His "labour" rate is £60 an hour
Do you know when they are meant to be cracked big down on businesses? Part of me wishes they would just shut his down and then I wouldn't need to have this convo. His accountant asks him every year why he carries on.
1 DC is pre school, 2 are primary and 1 secondary.
It may help if I mention the lack of benefits when they are older. I also worry that neither of us have a pension x

OP posts:

Original poster

WizenedFilly · 31/07/2020 13:38

*But if you are the main earner even though being on PT hours, then you are effectively subsidising your DH's choice to run a FT hobby business - because that's what it is. And it's completely dependent on you only working PT, so that you can do the childcare to enable him to spend 40 hours a week on something that pays less than your PT job.

What will be the impact of you being moved onto UC? What would happen if you were not able to work? Or conversely, if you said to your H that you were going to go back to work FT?*

Moving over to UC actually wouldn't make a difference for us, maybe a small one, but if he took on the job then we wouldn't need to worry about WTC and UC as much.
If I didn't work we would be completely reliant on WTC and probably not be able to afford anything luxury (presents for xmas, school clothes etc!)
If I told DH I was going to work FT he would argue it is pointless as I will have to find childcare for the children x

OP posts:

Original poster

WizenedFilly · 31/07/2020 13:40

@DioneTheDiabolist

Why did he apply for a job that he has no intention of doing?

He hasn't applied for a job, a friend/acquaintance who works (and owns a business) in the same profession as him, has asked him twice to come and work for him. Both times upping the salary. Excluding the financial side of things, DH is bloody good at what he does x

OP posts:

Mmsnet101 · 31/07/2020 13:41

I would suggest to him that you are worried about changes to benefits, lack of pension etc as other PP have mentioned and ask whether you should see a financial advisor together.

This will hopefully help him see the bigger picture and it means someone else potentially spelling it out to him rather than you, if you think he's more likely to listen that way? It also helps get you both a plan going forward with proper advice re pensions etc.

Soubriquet · 31/07/2020 13:41

At first I thought you was wrong as it’s your passion to get more money not his, even though it would benefit the entire family

But working full time for a tiny wage which actually works out less than your part time job is ridiculous.

You really do need to sit him down and talk. What would actually happen when the company goes bust? What is his plans for after that?

Aquicknamechange2019 · 31/07/2020 13:42

So the friend is in the same line of work but actually has a successful business? What's he doing that your DH isn't?

Original poster

WizenedFilly · 31/07/2020 13:47

@Mmsnet101

I would suggest to him that you are worried about changes to benefits, lack of pension etc as other PP have mentioned and ask whether you should see a financial advisor together.

This will hopefully help him see the bigger picture and it means someone else potentially spelling it out to him rather than you, if you think he's more likely to listen that way? It also helps get you both a plan going forward with proper advice re pensions etc.

Actually I think speaking to a financial advisor may be the way forward. Will have a google xx

OP posts:

Original poster

WizenedFilly · 31/07/2020 13:48

@Soubriquet

At first I thought you was wrong as it’s your passion to get more money not his, even though it would benefit the entire family

But working full time for a tiny wage which actually works out less than your part time job is ridiculous.

You really do need to sit him down and talk. What would actually happen when the company goes bust? What is his plans for after that?

There is no plan. I think he just hopes that eventually it will start making a profit. Even if it did make a profit the overall deficit on the accounts is so big, it would never be worth anything x

OP posts:

BarbaraofSeville · 31/07/2020 13:48

Does he have enough clients and does he charge an appropriate fee for his service?

I'm guessing that he makes or fixes something, but undercharges compared to what he should because he feels bad about charging a fair rate. Eg it takes him 3 hours to build/mend the things that he does but charges for 1 hour?

Could he go into partnership with the friend and share premises, tools or whatever to cut the overheads if he doesn't want to be employed by him?

Vodkacranberryplease · 31/07/2020 13:49

Ok so he's good at what he does but a shit businessman. Can he join forces with anyone else? Or will his ego simply not allow for any outside input?

It's always the worst business men that are the ones that will never listen or take advice sadly. He's either incredibly stubborn, or depressed. It's not fair on you yo have no say in this - it's your life too.

Time for A Big Chat.

Original poster

WizenedFilly · 31/07/2020 13:51

@Aquicknamechange2019

So the friend is in the same line of work but actually has a successful business? What's he doing that your DH isn't?

Lol honestly haven't a clue. DH was "given" the business 20 years ago as then business owner was retiring. It was already in deficit then, so in reality I think all he has been doing is treading wate. And although company is Limited, he is the only Employee/Employer which means when he takes time off (holiday - we haven't had one in three years!) there is no one to cover him. x

OP posts:

gassylady · 31/07/2020 13:53

If he won’t hear it from you an independent voice might be able to get through. A financial planner might be better than advisor as they look at where you are now and what your financial goals are eg home ownership, bigger home, supporting kids in higher university. Could also have a look at money saving expert website and state pension forecast on .gov website. Is he even paying enough NI to count towards state pension entitlement

Original poster

WizenedFilly · 31/07/2020 13:56

He has a huge client base and is also always booked up 3 weeks in advance ( even during lockdown)

I believe he charges a fair price on his labour rate, but as he is a one man band, he also does all the running around, speaking to customers in the office as well as answering the phone. So this stops him from having every hour charged at £60 if that makes sense?
I may suggest the joining forces, but so doubt the other person would want to take on his businesses debt x

OP posts:

RandomMess · 31/07/2020 13:58

How can your DH not see that you are supporting him getting into an ever increasing awful financial circumstances.

It sounds like he has no clue how to run the business. He would be better off closing it and restarting as a new company without the debts...