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Original poster

How to handle a convo with DH

111 replies

WizenedFilly · 31/07/2020 11:41

Hey guys and girls,
Have posted recently about things between DH and I.
Not to drip feed, we have 4 DC, live in a semi (with a small mortgage) and can just about afford to live. Neither of us have a pension. DH is in his 40's and I am in my 30's
We are heavily reliant on WTC, and both are low earners. DH has his own Limited Company and I work for a supermarket.
DH was offered a job which would pay 4 times his salary. He doesn't want to take it, as he likes being his own boss. I can't go full time as I look after the children before and after my work.
I really want more out of life. I would like to move to a bigger house and not have to worry about what we buy for food etc etc.
How do I have this conversation with him, without causing an argument? I know he is happy with our life and home, he doesn't want a bigger mortgage etc. But I feel like we are at a stalemate. He is happy with life, but I am not.
If I start a convo he will argue that this is the only thing he knows, and that he is content.
Then I thought maybe I should write a letter and explain how I feel and that I would like more out of life. But I am an adult and should be able to have an adult convo with him. Just feel so stuck with it all x

OP posts:

Seracursoren · 31/07/2020 13:59

I think if you both sat down with a financial advisor it should open his eyes. This is technically a hobby business.

Are there benefits to being an employee? Such as holiday, pension, sick pay etc? You could try to sell it on that front.

It does seem ridiculous that he won't consider it. It surely isn't any more hours than he already works. Is there anything he wants that you could talk to him about getting with the increase in wages?

RandomMess · 31/07/2020 13:59

What are the massive overheads his business has? Premises, rents, rates, equipment?? Debt?

Original poster

WizenedFilly · 31/07/2020 14:03

@gassylady

If he won’t hear it from you an independent voice might be able to get through. A financial planner might be better than advisor as they look at where you are now and what your financial goals are eg home ownership, bigger home, supporting kids in higher university. Could also have a look at money saving expert website and state pension forecast on .gov website. Is he even paying enough NI to count towards state pension entitlement

No not enough for NI. x

OP posts:

Original poster

WizenedFilly · 31/07/2020 14:04

@Seracursoren

I think if you both sat down with a financial advisor it should open his eyes. This is technically a hobby business.

Are there benefits to being an employee? Such as holiday, pension, sick pay etc? You could try to sell it on that front.

That is the thing, he would get everything he doesn't have now. Holidays, pension, hours that are fixed and not working til god knows when in the evening, and some weekends off ! X

OP posts:

Original poster

WizenedFilly · 31/07/2020 14:05

@RandomMess

What are the massive overheads his business has? Premises, rents, rates, equipment?? Debt?

Premises rent Premises insurance Business insurance Gas / Electricity Subscriptions Etc

OP posts:

3rdNamechange · 31/07/2020 14:10

I think he's being selfish , you could all (including him) have a better quality of life if he took the job.
Just sit him down and lay it out.
Kids will cost more as the my get older , eat more, shoes ,clothes , hobbies etc maybe university.
It's ok having your own business that does not make money when it's just you (I suppose ) but not when you've got a family. Not fair

IseeIsee · 31/07/2020 14:12

If he is a trades person then every minute should be spent on the trade. If he is booked up 3 weeks in advance then he has plenty of work. He should do a business course, assign admin costs etc. If he wants to stay in the business he has to make an effort to make it viable.

RandomMess · 31/07/2020 14:12

Does he need those premises, could he move somewhere cheaper?

It's hard to help without any clue about what it is.

How much £ is servicing debt.

RandomMess · 31/07/2020 14:13

He could take on an apprentice to do the business side...

Berthatydfil · 31/07/2020 14:17

If the business is a limited co and has debts that aren’t secured on your home or other property or assets then what is stopping him from winding it up.
Dodgy double glazing companies do it all the time .

RB68 · 31/07/2020 14:18

He needs to delegate the admin stuff - sounds like he is not efficient at it and also not good at it - so pay someone else to do it in less time more effectively and spend his time earning instead of costing his business. He is not understanding basic economics - its cheaper to pay someone 20 phr to do what he does in 2hrs in 1 hr, freeing up 2 hrs for him to bill so cost is 20 quid, gain is 120 and net gain 100 no brainer

RandomMess · 31/07/2020 14:22

@Berthatydfil exactly he could then be self employed just doing the actual trade for this other bloke he know???

He would earn so much more and still not have a boss as such...

LemonBreeland · 31/07/2020 14:23

I had a similar situation a few years ago. DH was working 6 days a week running his own business and I worked 18 hours a week. I was like you and brought in more money from my part time job. I also did everything around the house. DH was just creating more debt with his business. I think next year we will have finally paid it off.

DH eventually realised he needed to close the business. I never forced him as he would have resented me. Friends commented that they didn't know how I'd put up with it so long.

If my DH has been in the position of your DH with a great offer then he would have jumped at it, even though he loved his own business. Your DH is being incredibly selfish. I would suggest that you sit down with him and say you want to speak and for him not to interrupt until you are done, and not to just listen. Tell him that something needs to change, you don't have enough money as a family, and you need to stop relying so heavily on government money. If he doesn't want to take the job then he needs to step up with childcare, so you can earn more.

madcatladyforever · 31/07/2020 14:28

I think that's pretty selfish of him if I'm honest. When I was a single mum I did any job I could to bring in the money to provide for my family because that was my job - providing for my family.
I worked nights, days anything. Often two jobs.
I didn't want my son to go without but I was still there for him.
He is an adult male with 4 children and a wife who cannot work the hours he can. He should be doing anything and everything to provide for you.
I think his behaviour is pretty shabby.

SomethingLessBoringInstead · 31/07/2020 14:29

If you took over some of the 'running around'tasks, would that free up his time to spend closer to 40 hours a week earning?

Could any of the other tasks/admin done in the evenings or when the children are otherwise occupied?

WantToBeMum · 31/07/2020 14:36

If his business is already struggling surely it's common sense to take the job that will pay him four times the salary. You say that he says he is happy, but with a struggling business is he really happy or just in denial? Also, if you are not happy, even if he is, surely he would want to do something to make you feel a bit happier about life. It's not only down to you, as a couple you work together to make both of you happy.
If you are working part time I'm guessing you do all of the stuff like grocery shopping and sorting out the kids, in which case, I wonder whether he knows the financial pressure of that. E.g. Does he know what it's like to go around the supermarket wondering whether you can pay for everything in the trolley?
I would sit down together for an honest and non judgemental conversation about what you both enjoy about both of your lives, and what you both worry about both of your lives, what both of you want for your future and how you can achieve that.

Original poster

WizenedFilly · 31/07/2020 14:39

So completely outing myself here, but he is a mechanic.
I do all of the bookkeeping side of things in the evening. I was "employed" until last year, where the business couldn't afford to pay me so I decided to get another job to help us pay for Christmas presents and I have stayed there since as we need the money (fwiw I really enjoy my job)
He can't do the job without the workshop as cars have to be on a ramp a lot of the time.
We did think about an apprentice but again, because he is so busy he would actually have no time to train the apprentice x

OP posts:

LemonBreeland · 31/07/2020 14:43

@madcatladyforever your comment reminded me of something I've noticed, and not sure if others have seen it too. Most men I know will not work in jobs they don't like. Women however will do jobs they don't really like for years, as it suits childcare, the family and everything else.

This has certainly been the case in my marriage. DH has never stuck at a job he didn't like. I stayed in a dead end part time job that I didn't enjoy for years as it was close to the DC schools, they were flexible with hours and it made family life easier.

I've moved on now and finally have a career in my early 40's

SomethingLessBoringInstead · 31/07/2020 14:44

OP, all the mechanics I know ar busy in their garages fixing cars.

What exactly is taking up the time?

LemonBreeland · 31/07/2020 14:45

Just seen your update. Your DH is incredibly selfish as you are already doing the majority of the work in the household. You work, do his business admin, and I imagine do all of the childcare and household chores. There is way too much pressure on you, and it needs to change.

SomethingLessBoringInstead · 31/07/2020 14:45

What is he actually so busy doing that he can't take on an apprentice but isnt earning any money either??!

Original poster

WizenedFilly · 31/07/2020 14:49

So ok, how do I start this convo lol?!
Aside from the financial helper person, which we probably won't be able to see for a while ( Covid ) I need to have a "normal" conversation with him, without telling him his business is failing and with him not giving me every reason to stay as we are x

OP posts:

Soubriquet · 31/07/2020 14:58

What job has been offered to him?

Original poster

WizenedFilly · 31/07/2020 15:00

@Soubriquet

What job has been offered to him?

Mechanic, the same job he is doing now x

OP posts:

pawpawpawpaw · 31/07/2020 15:01

OP your dh is content so no matter what great business advice is given here, what's in it for him if he's quite happy with his lot? If you're not happy with yours it might be time to stop subsidising his business and doing all the voluntary work that enables him to carry on. How happy would he be if he had to worry about/do/arrange/pay for all the childcare and budgeting work you do every day? How sustainable would that be for him?

I have a friend who's an artist who worked a crappy 6-day-a-week job so his partner could leave her job, which was horrible and making her depressed. Now they've moved somewhere cheaper and she works and he can be an artist. Isn't 20+ years enough, when is your turn?

No matter how great he is at what he does, are you willing to volunteer your whole life to allow him to devote all hours to his own thing? Taking pt work, doing the childcare, all the millions of tiny budgeting decisions that enable you to make ends meet, uncertain future without a pension etc? It sounds like a slog. You're only in your 30s.

How about starting the conversation by saying you're not happy with your own income and all the extra work you do at home and for his business and you'd like to free up some of your childcare and bookkeeping (!!) time for well-paid ft work?

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