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Original poster

How to handle a convo with DH

111 replies

WizenedFilly · 31/07/2020 11:41

Hey guys and girls,
Have posted recently about things between DH and I.
Not to drip feed, we have 4 DC, live in a semi (with a small mortgage) and can just about afford to live. Neither of us have a pension. DH is in his 40's and I am in my 30's
We are heavily reliant on WTC, and both are low earners. DH has his own Limited Company and I work for a supermarket.
DH was offered a job which would pay 4 times his salary. He doesn't want to take it, as he likes being his own boss. I can't go full time as I look after the children before and after my work.
I really want more out of life. I would like to move to a bigger house and not have to worry about what we buy for food etc etc.
How do I have this conversation with him, without causing an argument? I know he is happy with our life and home, he doesn't want a bigger mortgage etc. But I feel like we are at a stalemate. He is happy with life, but I am not.
If I start a convo he will argue that this is the only thing he knows, and that he is content.
Then I thought maybe I should write a letter Confused and explain how I feel and that I would like more out of life. But I am an adult and should be able to have an adult convo with him. Just feel so stuck with it all x

OP posts:
FrancoBranco · 01/08/2020 11:50

Your husband seems to think that 'hours worked' is the metric that shows how much he's bringing in to the family, so if he's working 60 hours a week then he's doing his utmost; but money needs to be the metric and he's not earning enough. Plus you're doing all the childcare, all his admin and your own part time job too so will definitely be doing more hours than him.

His identity and ego are tied up in being his own boss and he's not going to give it up. He's been offered FOUR TIMES more money and he's turning it down. Shock That's not the actions of a reasonable man. He's trying to delay you for a year, and then he'll try to delay you again because "things are just starting to improve!" That's what all gamblers say, it's not based in truth.

And also I would take legal advice now as to whether if you up your hours and earning potential and pension payments etc, but then end up divorcing, you might be required to support him financially, because as they see it, you always have. Now that arrangement is fine if both parties are happy or if there is illness etc, but it feels very unfair on you if it happens just because he is stubborn and selfish.

Please consider this ^ If you start to earn more by working full time, then divorce him, you could end up paying him^ financial support.

BoggledBudgie · 01/08/2020 12:03

You’re the one that wanted your parents to buy you a 7 bedroom house and admitted to being miserable in your marriage. You had advice on your last thread, maybe follow that?

MrsJemimaDuck · 01/08/2020 12:11

Your husband will never change, and this is what the rest of your life will look like, only becoming more and more stressful. I would seek advice about divorce, untangling yourself from this mess. You will be better off without him.

Soubriquet · 01/08/2020 12:12

Do not leave your job

He can continue on losing money, but if you leave your job, you’re both screwed regarding any money. Especially if the business goes under.

Original poster
WizenedFilly · 01/08/2020 12:18

@BoggledBudgie

You’re the one that wanted your parents to buy you a 7 bedroom house and admitted to being miserable in your marriage. You had advice on your last thread, maybe follow that?
I apologised for said thread, it was not appropriate. I didn't ask my parents to buy us a house, I asked them if they would help us. I was feeling very sorry for myself and was drunk. Highly inappropriate to start a thread off. I am following some of the advice in trying to better our options, but it is hard to speak to someone like my DH and therefore I have asked for help
OP posts:
RandomMess · 01/08/2020 12:25

I don't think your DH is going to change tbh.

He is incredibly selfish and refuses to have open and honest conversations instead he turned it back on you.

Look up DARVO - he is an expert.

WinterAndRoughWeather · 01/08/2020 13:25

I don’t understand how the business could afford to have you working for it but not an apprentice (who could also answer the phones), unless he’s expecting you to quit your paying job and work his front desk for nothing?

pawpawpawpaw · 01/08/2020 14:07

@WizenedFilly

He also said that I have sprung this on him. Like a slap in the face after the amount of hours he has put in. I explained this wasn't the case and that I wanted us to be safe and secure in the next five years. I think he wants me to give my job up and work for him front of house. I enjoy my job and like the fact that I am bringing a wage home, so not sure how we would get around that. I also don't thing it is the wisest thing to work together and be married. I love him of course but I do enjoy my time away from him and the children x
I wouldn't want to put my well-being and earning potential in the hands of someone who I already know I find it difficult to talk to, who is domineering and will minimise my concerns, who does not listen and has a failing business. Also if you think he doesn't want to listen now, how will it be when you have no leverage at all because you're an employee? Or will this be another of your voluntary duties? OP do you find it hard to say no to him? Do you worry what would happen if you did?
Tappering · 01/08/2020 14:30

I think he wants me to give my job up and work for him front of house. I enjoy my job and like the fact that I am bringing a wage home, so not sure how we would get around that

Easy. You tell him there's no way on earth you are giving up a job that you enjoy and which pays a decent wage, to work for him doing something you don't want to do and earning fuck all. If it's so important to him that he gets to do what he wants to do work wise, then why should it be different for you?

I didn't realise you were the new house poster. TBH your husband sounds like a selfish prick who is hellbent on his own wants, regardless of what would benefit the family.

ivfdreaming · 01/08/2020 14:48

I'd say no to 12 months - he has 6 months no more. He's had 20 years to get himself sorted and he hasn't. I have to say I don't know ANY mechanics who are booked full of customers who DONT earn a decent wage so not sure where he is going wrong?

As you only work 20 hours I'd offer to to do extra hours front of house for him for the 6 months and that way you can also keep a closer "eye" on what he's doing 🤣

Problem he's been become too comfortable to tootle along at his own pace taking maybe 3x as long to do the work as what he'd be expected to do working for someone else and I suspect this is why he doesn't want to take his friend up on his job offer

With 4 kids, no pension and barely scraping by he needs to grow up a bit and you both need to get a handle on this

DoIneed1 · 01/08/2020 15:20

Oh, it's you, Op!

pawpawpawpaw · 01/08/2020 15:54

Wiz have you thought about doing the Freedom Programme? You're scared of expressing yourself to your controlling husband who is trying to find more ways of controlling you. Loads of women here have been in the same boat, there's no shame in it and it's not your fault he's like this. But there's no advice you will get here that will change him or improve his business.

"How do I have this conversation with him, without causing an argument?" Apparently you can't express your own desire to improve your own life without him arguing, that's him not you.

Oly4 · 01/08/2020 15:58

This is ridiculous. You earn more than him on part time hours? He needs to take the new job.. because that’s what you do when you have a family/kids and don’t want them to live on the breadline

Original poster
WizenedFilly · 01/08/2020 17:13

If I say no, he will just carry on regardless tho surely? i need to persuade him to take this job. He is stuck in his ways and I need him to see what is being handed to him on a plate! If i broach it again today he will pribably just dig his herls in Confused
I am wondering if ai should get him to talk to his friend, as well as a couple of family members and see what they say. A previous poster suggested a bloke who he looks up to and maybe that is the way forward.
The problem with me being front of house but also working, is I don't have time to do both, as I also have the children x

OP posts:
gassylady · 01/08/2020 18:34

He really seems to be a bit of a fantasist. Sit down together and do a budget that doesn’t include your wage and assumes his income increases by a realistic amount maybe 10% and work out if you have enough to feed and clothe you all and pay your bills. I suspect the answer is a big NO. Are there any local organisations advisors for small businesses that could advise?

ivfdreaming · 01/08/2020 18:41

You've both got yourself to blame - you've enabled him for 20 years - if I had 4 kids and a mortgage he would have had 20 months not 20 years to get is arse and his business in order. It's all a bit too late now he is so stuck in his ways. There is no persuading you can do that will
Make him take this job. You TELL him he Is taking it.

RandomMess · 01/08/2020 19:30

I guess you need to tell him if he doesn't take the job you will lose what little respect you still have for him and you can't see your marriage surviving another year of self inflicted hardship.

00100001 · 01/08/2020 19:35

Aren’t you the poster that wanted your in-laws to be guarantors for a mortgage because you wanted a 7 bed house, instead of the 4 bed you have?

00100001 · 01/08/2020 19:38

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3979729-just-sad-and-drunk

BEcause if you’re not @drunkmomandsad. Then that’s spooky

CheshireSplat · 01/08/2020 19:48

00100001 RTFT

Original poster
WizenedFilly · 02/08/2020 12:52

I can't fucking win Sad
Just messaged him as am at work to say he should talk to said friend and see what he is actually going to offer pay wise, hours etc.
And also to speak to a close friend who he speaks to a lot.
I have been told to Leave it and that he has never made me do something I didn't want to do!

OP posts:
gassylady · 02/08/2020 13:03

Well yes he has he’s made you stay feeling anxious about current finances and retirement by not maximising his earnings now and preventing you from increasing yours by working FT hours himself for very little reward.

RandomMess · 02/08/2020 13:20

Then you need to decide whether you want to stay with him as things as they are or end the marriage. He is never going to accept that family finances, his job should be discussed and that he should be prepared to compromise...

Soubriquet · 02/08/2020 13:40

Yes you need to decide

Do you continue to pour money into a sailing business and support your dh whilst you do this?

Or do you leave the marriage and have a more successful life because you have the money to do it and you don’t have to worry about propping up a business that is failing

Soubriquet · 02/08/2020 13:42

Personally I’d be giving an ultimatum

Take the job or the marriage is over

Dirty I know but if he wants to play it his way you got to it yours

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