Your most ridiculous mum shaming moment/advice

[anotherpostanothernamechange]

I'm a mum of 2 (dd3 and ds 6 months) so it's safe to say in the past 4 years I've had some bat shit crazy advice & judgements both from well meaning people and absolute nutters.

At the weekend DSil, who is early twenties with no kids decided to take the absolute biscuit. She tried to start a 'discussion' (she's one of them who thinks she knows everything and will not be told otherwise) about my baby wearing nappies.
Not trying to shame me for using disposables or for using reusable but for just using nappies in general.
WTF.
Telling me how uncomfortable it must be for the baby and that obviously thousands of years ago people got by without them. No wonder he has nappy rash (well yeah, that sometimes happens but you know, better than being covered in his own piss and poop)

At the time I was busy and only half paying attention but it's just popped back in to my head and I can't stop laughing. So go on, cheer me up with your most ridiculous pieces of judgement and advice

@Bemorechicken

Oh good grief.

I was sitting in a cafe and formula feeding DC1 as I had no milk after c section and had been in hospital and ICU for 2 weeks after birth and then been in hospital for a further two weeks (had a blood transfusion etc) and a man lent over me and was ranting at me that I failing my own child and how she wouldn't bond with me as it was "crappy formula crap".and I was poisoning her and a "crappy mother". I will forever be grateful to the manager (male) who came and removed him from shouting in my face. He stood in between us and slowly moved forward forcing the man away from me and made him leave but assertively and firmly. I was just unable to speak only cry. I was still recovering from an awful c section and recovery. He then made me a coffee (the manager), gave me a free lunch and chocolate cake and insisted, I phoned a friend for a "complimentary lunch" -my friend arrived and he explained I had been shouted out and insisted on giving her a free lunch. It was one of the worse experiences and best in the same day. I will never ever forget him and his kindness.

I went in there weekly after that for a lunch once a week. I still think it stands as one of the nicest things anyone did for me. The man -that shouted at me- I never saw again.

3 months later at a wedding I felt really beautiful in a beautiful flowing gown chosen so it didn't dig into any scars or anything. I felt totally beautiful -and I was holding DC1 -4 months old and I felt wonderful and recovered and I had lost 2 stone. Then some random woman said to me "Good god dear you look ready to pop, you're huge, you must be due any day now! when it the baby due". I steeled her with a look and said I'm holding her and kept my face together and walked off and cried later. My day was ruined in that one comment. I never ever ask now ever and never mention anyone's weight etc.

What a lovely manager. I love this part of the story

PIL booked a last minute holiday deal to fly off the day before my due date. OH told his dm that he was a bit upset by that as it was our first child. She replied, "oh babies never arrive on their due date. I had 4 of you and you were all late."
...baby arrived on EDD.

@ConcentricCircles I'm so sorry for your loss

This is my thinking when people say I spoil my two by letting them sleep in my bed or always playing with them. You never know what life has in store, best to give all your love, all of the time. I hope your okay ❤️

An elderly stranger told me my (very) newborn was crying in his pram because he was bored and wanted to see other people. Apparently he would stop crying if he was sitting up

@anotherpostanothernamechange That's very kind of you, thank you.

and a friend of a friend at a dinner party who, when someone asked me what hospital I’d given birth in (I’d had a CS) said ‘I’m going to have to correct you there — you didn’t “give birth”’

If that was said to me at a dinner party I fear I may leap across the table and attempt to beat them to death with their plate

My HD's aunt told me I should leave ds1 (three weeks old at this point) home whenever I needed to do errands. 'He will cry but get used to it' she said. She had twins less than two years after dc1 and said this is how she coped. One of her twin boys got involved with Islamic extremists and ended up in some de-radicalisation programme. I wonder if he was psychologically damaged from being left alone so often.

My second DS never latched (jaundice, shocked, sleepy, difficult birth etc. etc.) after a very easy and successful breastfeeding eldest DS. The nurse who placed him on to feed (after doing every procedure known to man because she didn't believe in the golden hour) wouldn't let me sit up and wanted me to feed him side lying. She put him so his ear was touching my armpit, mouth just beside my collar bone. Having fed a baby previously and having not the perkiest of boobs I wriggled him down to within an inch of my nipple which was a good 5 inches south of where she had him and she snapped at me "where are you putting him, don't you even know how to feed a baby?" To which I ever so politely told her to eff off. Sadly it took my confidence and we are now 6 month down the exclusively expressing route.

Does it count if I hadn’t had the kiddo yet?

Two comments from strangers stand out, in the last weeks of pregnancy. I was quite startlingly huge.

First was queuing in the supermarket, a 60ish yo woman struck up the usual conversation, sympathising about how horrid pregnancy sickness was. ‘Actually’ I said, ‘I’ve been lucky. No nausea at all’. She got a smug look on her face and said ‘Well you know what they say- “Easy pregnancy, Horrible labour”.

A man in the queue got really cross with her, I had to calm him down!

Then I went to friend’s summer wedding (feeling very glowy and beautiful in a new moomoo!). Her elderly aunt enquired whether my mahoosive bump was my first? I said cheerily ‘First and last’, knowing that fertility issues made even this one quite unlikely. She rounded on me and snapped ‘Well that’s stupid. What happens if this one gets ill or dies, you’ll be back to square one, won’t you!?’

A big group of her family heard her say it, and all gasped in unison. She was hustled off.

I actually didn’t get upset about these daft comments- probably overshadowed by the many crazy parenting comments after DD arrived. But I do shake my head at the lack of filter on some people. Not only for saying it, but hearing themselves say it and sticking by their comments when others point out how insensitive it was!

My FIL- don’t try to put the baby to sleep, even if she’s crying and clearly tired, just let her get more tired and she will eventually just pretty much pass out and sleep all the way through!

My MIL- started to play vigorously with baby after feeding, rolling her on the bed etc. Baby obviously threw up! MIL found it so funny and for few days after she kept telling everyone hahaha i played with baby so much until she threw up!

I was told, by a friend,bthat I shouldn't be picking up toddler DD now that I was pregnant again. The problem was that my 13 month couldn't walk yet...

I picked her up with no issues until the day DD2 was born... After which I still picked her up. In fact, I only recently failed to pick up... She's now 9 and nearly as tall as me!

@ConcentricCircles I'm so sorry... but glad you ignored that shit advice...

Mine was a well-meaning but cloddish duo (a not v close friend and a nursery worker) joining forces to urge me to get on and have another baby so that DS (product of IVF #4) didn't grow up spoilt and lonely. I was actually miscarrying the baby from IVF #6 at the time, but thought mentioning that would be awkward.

@MissEliza

My HD's aunt told me I should leave ds1 (three weeks old at this point) home whenever I needed to do errands. 'He will cry but get used to it' she said. She had twins less than two years after dc1 and said this is how she coped. One of her twin boys got involved with Islamic extremists and ended up in some de-radicalisation programme. I wonder if he was psychologically damaged from being left alone so often.

I read a very interesting academic article recently that talks about attachment disorder and risk of radicalization/cult involvement. There is a link between them.

Iirc, if you have cold/distant/dismissive parents, you are more at risk of being sucked into highly structured, potentially abusive radical cult situations, especially if the parents in question are from a group with a contrasting belief system (e.g. an Islamic radical group might be more alluring to someone whose cold parents were very christian, or atheists/agnostic/very secular)

I had just had DS2 and was knackered. DS1 was only 18 months old. I wore a new outfit and did my makeup ready to go 4 a meal. Got there and the lady at the bar said 2 me “u look awful! Is motherhood not agreeing with u?” I had experienced PND and was just recovering and feeling good about myself. She set me back months in recovering :(

First, some context: DD1 had reflux she was being medicated for (it was so severe that one time our GP saw her projectile vomiting in the surgery and sent us straight to hospital). Even with medication she was a very fussy baby. I'd walk her around the house or outside for 5 hours a day just to get 4 30-minute naps out of her. Unsurprisingly, I found new motherhood very difficult but was determined to make the best of it so I joined up to a local baby group hoping to make some mum friends.

It was the first session and DD1 had been fussing and crying for most of the time and finally fell asleep on my shoulder. At which point we were asked to go around in a circle and explain how we were finding everything. One of the mums said, "Well, I just think it all really depends on how relaxed you are. So, look at me: I am really laidback and so my baby is too." Then she did a head tilt and caught my eye, giving me this beatific, Mother Teresa smile. I let out an involuntary snort (loudly ) and never went back. As it turned out, DD is autistic; presumably all I had to be was a bit more laidback and my daughter wouldn't have been on the spectrum

My health visitor had a weekly clinic at the village hall where all the mums went to see her and have tea and biscuits and a nice chat together. My DD was only 2 weeks old and had been 3 weeks early, she had a clef lip that later needed several plastic surgery operations. Two elderly ladies were in charge of 'booking us in' and making the tea. On hearing that she was early, and seeing her lip, one of the ladies told me 'Well, you didn't finish her off properly then did you' and laughed. I know she was only making a stupid joke or following an old wives tale but it really upset me at the time.

My step-MIL told me that if I exercised while breastfeeding that my milk would go bad and the baby would STARVE. Implication being that I was being vain and awful for wanting to get back into shape.

I told my consultant and she almost did herself an injury she laughed so hard.

Some of these are bloody awful people need to be ashamed of themselves

@hadtojoin

My health visitor had a weekly clinic at the village hall where all the mums went to see her and have tea and biscuits and a nice chat together. My DD was only 2 weeks old and had been 3 weeks early, she had a clef lip that later needed several plastic surgery operations. Two elderly ladies were in charge of 'booking us in' and making the tea. On hearing that she was early, and seeing her lip, one of the ladies told me 'Well, you didn't finish her off properly then did you' and laughed. I know she was only making a stupid joke or following an old wives tale but it really upset me at the time.

What a total bth. I'm so sorry -it's such an awful thing to say. My cousin's baby had CP -and she was so worried although she has had a number of surgeries over the years -there is absolute no scar now and you would not know at all that she was born with CP. I always remember swooping her up as a newborn and giving her massive kisses as she was the most gorgeous baby and my cousin cried -when I asked why she said she had been turned away from a mother and baby group as it "wasn't suitable and might scare the other babies" - she was just a gorgeous Clara to me then as a newborn, and she is stunning now as well. Some people really are ignorant to the moon and back.

I was stopped in the supermarket by a woman who told me it was such a shame I'd dressed my baby in bright colours, and asked why on earth I was trying to make her seem more grown up than she was instead of letting her be a baby (she was about 4 months at the time). She said babies should only wear white for the first 6 months.

I had the nappy thing too. From a much older woman. "Just hold him over the potty every twenty minutes. He'll learn eventually." My baby was a newborn at the time...

My delightful now xmol told me my ds would go blind because I'd got lots of bright colours in his nursery.

[quote anotherpostanothernamechange]@Witchofzog that one always baffles me! Do these people actually believe in a god that will send innocent children to hell because their parents didn't let them get dunked in some holy water?! I come from a very strong catholic family and I just remove myself from these conversations these days. Although tbf, I do think that if DD walked on to holy ground, she'd probably go up in flames [/quote]
No, no church teaches that. It's too ridiculous to even think about.

Sorry. Exmil. Thankfully.

My mother was very upset about the fact I didn't get DS christened, so she did it in the bath the first chance she got.

She has been a catholic for over 75 years, so I have no idea why she thinks that would work, but she stopped mentioning it afterwards. {

On the other side of the coin, when I was pregnant I asked a friend about childbirth and her reply was its all different for everyone, have a simple plan (mine was give birth, any difficult no needles or surgery unless its necessary) she has had four kids with no pain relief the last one was the only one were she had to. Her plan was, give me what works