When to start taking a step back. Teenagers.

[Paranoidmarvin]

Those of you with older teenagers. When did you start to take a step back. Letting them deal with their own lives etc.

My husband and I have very different opinions on this. He babies him still. Makes him food and chases him up for stuff. Where I’m more of the opinion that he should be having his own life at the age of nearly 17.

When he goes out. I know where he is going. But I kind of let him make all the arrangements and I am of the opinion that he would let me know if he needs a lift etc. And I just say have a nice time.
My husband will be checking what he is doing the whole who what where.

Please bare in mind he is very sensible and I mean very sensible.

I don’t remember my parents being involved much in my day to day life when I started college. They definitely didn’t chase me up in college work or if I was coming home straight from college. And I don’t plan on doing that when he starts in September. But my husband says we should stay on top of his work. In my eyes he is 17 he needs to be doing this himself. If he wants to go out after college that’s fine .... have a nice time and let me know if u need picking up ( we live in the middle of nowhere. )

Sorry. I’m rambling now. But wanted to know what approach you take with your older teens. How much do you get involved with their Lives loves and goings on.

My 18 year old makes her own decisions and goes where she likes. Eg she organises holidays and pays for them herself (though has very little money). She's very aware that she's legally an adult and will soon be starting university. She sorted out her student loan herself. She's not a party animal - no late night issues.
I haven't kept on top of my children's schoolwork since - well, ever. They're responsible for knowing what they're supposed to do and for doing it, and pretty much always have been. I occasionally mutter or even shout about needing to work hard, but I don't know what they're actually supposed to be doing.
I'm also happy to leave them to sort out their own food - not all the time, but a lot. At 15 and 18. They're just as capable of doing that as an adult, and if they're not, they need the practice.

At 17 you need to let him get on with it himself!
My 15 year old sounds more independent! He is very sensible too and he has the same views as us so I feel I can trust him. If and when that doesn't work out we'll deal with it then and that's part of life. Before Covid he was going out and didn't need to tell me when he was getting back etc but that was all just part of normal communication anyway.

Thank you. I knew I was right. Honestly I have given up on telling my husband he is babying him.

He is old enough to be having his own life. He is more than old enough to have less input from us.

My 17 year old has been fairly independent, made some mistakes (mostly with money) and didn't learn from them immediately - had to make them a few more times - hard to watch him screw up and not intervene.

Has fallen behind on his A level studies as a result of Covid, have not needed to ask him about school work since Year 5, I thought he was studying in his room as he has always done - school didn't get in touch to say he hadn't handed in a lot of work till a number of weeks had passed and have blamed me for not checking his ShowMyHomework every week and ticking off work done - you really can't win!

A bit of both tbh. In terms of his social life, ds (just turned 17) more or less gets on with it himself although I do offer lifts etc if I'm around and I do ask if he's likely to be home for dinner or not.

College work - he's always had a tendency to be a lazy toad coast so I do spend more time than I really want to in chivvying him along with A-level stuff, although I am increasingly of the opinion that really I should just let him get on with it and if he fails, he fails. It's not as if he doesn't understand the expectations.

I am happy for him to do his own thing really. He knows where we are if he needs us, he's fairly sensible and I'd say we have a good relationship so no major communication issues. But sometimes it's hard to not 'check up'

Food-wise, if he's home I expect him to eat an evening meal with us, otherwise he can eat what he wants when he wants (so we get through a lot of bacon, eggs, pizza and, weirdly, grapes...)

Mine are 19 (working full time) & 17 (about to do final year at school).

We've never got over-involved with school work. When the eldest was struggling big-time, she was doing ok academically but not coping emotionally. Being on her case about school work & results was counter-productive. We did, of course, have lots of dealings with school over it, but not in a "you must get these results" way. Eldest found herself a job on leaving school & it's really helped. Youngest is getting on with it. We decided before we had children that the career paths they chose should be what was right for them, not what other people wanted.

It's taken a lot to step back & let go, especially because of her difficulties. But it's paying off. It's good to let them make mistakes & deal with the consequences eg them getting up late & missing the bus, & getting told off by school or work has had a more positive effect on their time management than us micromanaging & worrying that if they screw up it'll be awful. It usually isn't.

They can make some basic meals, they get bits of shopping, they sort out their own transport & social plans. The eldest is learning to manage her finances in a surprisingly mature way & will ask for advice when she wants to.

There are still things we do for convenience eg me sticking a load of laundry in for everyone, but they are expected to help out with bits too.

Yes they drive me mad & their teenage brains don't always see risk like we do. But we're trying to not sweat the small stuff. It keeps us all calmer.

Depends.

Girls absolutely fine, sort themselves out socially, know to let me know if they are late/not home for tea etc

DS struggles and needs a nudge to let us know where he is/when he’ll be back etc
Same with school work! But he’s dyslexic and this isn’t his strong point.

they thrive with independence

Completely agree. Some of ds's friends weren't allowed to travel on the tube alone even at the age of 16. Baffling. Why would you restrict your child's independence and self-reliance like that?

@Wearywithteens sorry to jump on your post, but it really caught my eye. That's what I'd like to aim for, but I'm not sure where the balance is struck. When you say building on independence, what did that look like? What were they able to do in, wqy, the first year of secondary? I've been thinking about this a lot recently as eldest is approaching teen years, and many of the teens we know seem so molly coddled

I agree. It’s a balance. But there has to be a line. Had a massive talk to my husband when he got home. I said we should not be doing anything for him that he can do himself or that he needs to learn himself. I won’t tell u what sort of things my husband does for him as it will just make me angry all over again and will make u angry as well.

New regime as if today. We have also talked about his driving at Christmas as well. My answer to that was he needs a job as we can’t afford to run the car for him. My husband was not convinced. It’s a toss up between him being too lazy to learn and me not wanting to drive him everywhere as we live far away from stuff.

But then I also think we bought him to live in the middle of nowhere. Then I go back to if he wants a car he should damn well help pay for it. Money doesn’t grow on trees. And I don’t think handing everything to him in a plate like my husband wants to us helping him any.

He also has a problem with his legs. Which he should be doing exercises for. He is not. And I am not paying out to go back to the physio or to the special physio that he has seen unless he starts making some effort in doing what they told him to do. Or I am just paying for a massage every week to try and help him while he sits around and does nothing that they tell him to in between. Then what they do are pointless and I’m down £35 a week for something that is not helping.

You will know when it’s right for you, back of slowly though. Probably 15 to 16 depending on child.

I've always treated mine with respect and have them an opinion. I've actually never told them what to do, I'll give my opinion if they ask but I've always left decisions up to them.

If he can get a job he should but presumably that will buy an old banger. What about insuring it? You are asking for problems going down that route. Probably will cost loads to insure and loads in maintenance. Never mind poor safety!

I think you have to take responsibility for living where you do if it’s not teenage friendly. You should have thought about this. I’m rural and we had to! Whatever you do it’s either going to cost money or your time.

My DDs went on trains and did a lot for themselves at 14. They were both confident and sensible and by 13 both were travelling alone abroad and even went to boarding school in South Africa for a term at 13. Definitely visited friends in London and used public transport at 14. My feeling was you have to give them confidence but you also have to instil some basic “keeping safe” nous. Things like keeping away from trouble, keeping purses and phones safe etc. When you know they are sensible, let them go.

Teach a bit of cooking and joe to use washing machine etc.

@My0My. I’m planning on buying the car and insuring it as that will cost to much. Again. We did move out here for the school and I knew that would mean we would have to drive him around. But I think he should get a job at the age of 17 to pay for the petrol that he uses. Don’t think that is unreasonable.

My 16 year old, sorts his own bedroom out, organised his social life, gets on with his homework, I check in occasionally to make sure he's on top of it (dyslexic & dyspraxic)

Hmm, mine are younger but I’d say it depends on the child. Ds15 I cook his meals, check his homework and keep a close eye on where he is (recent potential grooming issues on SM means I have to). He wouldn’t do schoolwork without prompting: we’re working on that. He will fix his own lunch/ breakfast.
Dd13 will make herself meals, does homework as soon as it’s set and makes her own plans with friends (pre covid), letting me know where she is and if she’ll be late back. She also does her own laundry etc.
I’d love to give ds more freedom, but he’d abuse it. I’d love for him to take more responsibility but right now he just isn’t emotionally mature enough.

Sorry posted to soon.

He sorts out his gear if he's going away on about trips, confidently uses public transport, helps out with any housework, bakes for the family and enjoys cooking. Surely it's all stuff they need to know for when they become fully independent.

I ask for him to let me know if he is going to be late home for any reason, but that is a common courtesy.

Molly coddling does them no favors at all.

What jobs are actually available? With high unemployment it’s not easy. If you have ££££ to buy a car and insure it, (have you costed this out?) petrol is not so much of a concern because you are saving petrol by not driving him. It’s the least of your worries I would have thought.

I think it depends on the teenager. My parents had very little to do with my life past secondary school. They were always there if I needed to ask for advice but otherwise stepped back. I didn’t need anymore guidance than that-I did very well academically.

DH’s parents were the same with him but he would have benefited massively from some interference! He flunked his A-levels, spend way too much time in the pub and got himself into debt. I met him when he was 22 and it was my influence that straightened him out.

[quote Paranoidmarvin]@My0My. I’m planning on buying the car and insuring it as that will cost to much. Again. We did move out here for the school and I knew that would mean we would have to drive him around. But I think he should get a job at the age of 17 to pay for the petrol that he uses. Don’t think that is unreasonable.[/quote]
A job has been the making of my dd - she really notices the difference in herself. My nephews have said the same thing - a job is what really makes kids grow up. And we will probably allow usage of our car for them to access work.

My DDs didn’t get always get holiday jobs but both volunteered regularly. It cost us for them to do this but they learnt loads. More than doing some jobs. If he cannot get paid work, volunteer. They grow up doing they too.

It’s gradual into their twenties. Some things they should be competent at but they don’t need suddenly casting adrift at eighteen. It depends on them, their life, their needs.
At university we’d still go and collect them and bring them home if they were unwell. We’d still expect some budgeting hiccups.
We still discussed and steered them through purchasing their first homes.
We still expect courtesy and consideration under our roof. We still set rules around work expectations until they left school.