When to start taking a step back. Teenagers.

[Paranoidmarvin]

Those of you with older teenagers. When did you start to take a step back. Letting them deal with their own lives etc.

My husband and I have very different opinions on this. He babies him still. Makes him food and chases him up for stuff. Where I’m more of the opinion that he should be having his own life at the age of nearly 17.

When he goes out. I know where he is going. But I kind of let him make all the arrangements and I am of the opinion that he would let me know if he needs a lift etc. And I just say have a nice time.
My husband will be checking what he is doing the whole who what where.

Please bare in mind he is very sensible and I mean very sensible.

I don’t remember my parents being involved much in my day to day life when I started college. They definitely didn’t chase me up in college work or if I was coming home straight from college. And I don’t plan on doing that when he starts in September. But my husband says we should stay on top of his work. In my eyes he is 17 he needs to be doing this himself. If he wants to go out after college that’s fine .... have a nice time and let me know if u need picking up ( we live in the middle of nowhere. )

Sorry. I’m rambling now. But wanted to know what approach you take with your older teens. How much do you get involved with their Lives loves and goings on.

But the majority of teens do not have jobs and cannot get them. That does ot mean they are successful adults, however you define that, later in life. It just means they used their time for paid work instead of singing in a choir, volunteering in something that they needed (eg for medicine), that they played less sport etc etc. Most dc need to do something outside school but choice is important.

I agree @My0My - my own 17-year-old ds is struggling to find a job right now. I was simply responding to the posts that suggest a part-time job can be actively detrimental to attainment, that's not my experience or my understanding.

It is very difficult for teens to get part time work. We live in a seaside town so it is maybe easier to get work washing - up in a cafe etc. I understand that some parents are keen for their DC's to have volunteering, choir, swimming..on their CV. However I really believe that there is nothing like a part-time (often boring) part time job as one of the tools to help you grow up.

I don’t actually agree it’s necessary at 16-18. In fact at various interviews post degree DD has been asked about her volunteering. If she had been a washer upper in a cafe it would have been utterly irrelevant. So just any job for some careers isn’t of much use. It’s is wholly better than doing nothing though.

Most young people end up doing things for pleasure and to build up a cv! They are not mutually exclusive. Employers like some evidence of paid employment but they certainly don’t rule out relevant volunteering. Very many rule out dc without the right grades at A level and degrees too. I do think what career they want drives what dc should do and of course parental views too. But I don’t think paid work between 16-18 necessarily means much for lots of dc when there are several years ahead of them at university where the degree and volunteering or work can mean more.

A part time job is not about cv building it's about personal development - soft skills, it's about confidence building, responsibility, feeling of pride in first salary.. It's about learning to deal with difficult customers/boss etc. It's learning about learning what you like and don't like. Working and getting along with adults. Volunteering can give some of that I'm sure but for many kids it's often not the choice of church choir vs part time job - it's more likely the choice between screens and a part-time job.
I believe it's a very valuable experience but if you don't - that's ok too.😁

And one more thing a part time job gives them is a total appreciation of how hard people in low wage jobs work and hopefully they have learned not to dismiss their jobs as fairly worthless and that is pretty important in itself!

Well mine volunteered at the cab in a pretty difficult area. More value than a little job fir her career and it certainly ticked all your boxes and some including threats and violence. No salary though!

Singing is well known to aid with a sense of well-being. It’s important to do what you need for your own sense of worth. As I said, something is always better than nothing!

I agree that's it's not about the CV - it's about personal growth and independence (point of thread). A part time job in low paid work can do much for a young persons personal development. Often dismissed on MN because DS/DS needs to be doing more 'worthy persuits' to enhance their future careers.

My parents were not that involved in my teenage years and I would have liked a bit more support tbh. I don't mean looking after, I did my own washing, worked and cooked meals ect. But I didn't feel like they were there to talk stuff through and help with life choices. After all as you are older you and your husband will have a bit of life experience to share. If dc are prepared to listen!

I was alwsy hard working at school /collage/uni I hope if things were going really wrong they would have stepped in. As I think when you are younger you maybe have less understanding of consequences of things. For example if dropping out of uni and getting a dead end job. So don't baby him but be there for him.

I'm sure working in the CAB is great - my friend worked as a hospital cleaner while doing her A levels and that's what she put on her application for medical school, she's a damn fine consultant now, not one bit afraid to get stuck in and get her hands dirty!

Also regarding living in the middle of nowhere. My parents did this when I was 16 and tbh were pretty ratty about giving lifts. So I do think if you've made the choice to live very rurally then if you can afford it buying a cheap car is pretty fair.

On the job front I had a job just after turning 16 and my sister at 15. But I do wonder with the economy as it is how easy even low skilled minimum wage jobs are to come by. So expect him to get a job, but don't be too harsh if he can't.

And for the record - we are about to start the process of recruiting someone - in all the discussions - volunteering, a job at 16 or choiring has never come up.
We've discussed - technical & intellectual ability, a good attitude to hard work - sleeves up, hands dirty, no complaining; the ability to adapt and learn quickly; seek and act on feedback, to demonstrate open-mindedness, the ability to build and maintain relationships outside your normal comfort zone and a commitment to always learn and be pro-active in industry relevant self development, self direct, be brave - showing integrity, calling out poor practice and encouraging the best in others. All that and a good cultural fit - which basically means we don't want to work with an arrogant twat regardless or how clever or accomplished they are. 😂

@Bakedtreat

A part time job is not about cv building it's about personal development - soft skills, it's about confidence building, responsibility, feeling of pride in first salary.. It's about learning to deal with difficult customers/boss etc. It's learning about learning what you like and don't like. Working and getting along with adults. Volunteering can give some of that I'm sure but for many kids it's often not the choice of church choir vs part time job - it's more likely the choice between screens and a part-time job. I believe it's a very valuable experience but if you don't - that's ok too.😁

@Bakedtreat Really agree with your comments. Both my DDs got part time jobs at school- the life experience you gain is invaluable. It is a shame it is so difficult now for teenagers to find Saturday jobs.

I think a part-time job is about CV building! I work for a big company and interview grads for our grad scheme. The academic is a given; they have to have that. I'm more interested in their inter-personal skills, dealing with difficult people, thinking different ways round a problem, team work, influencing, etc all of which can be developed in waitressing or in a supermarket or whatever. I ask for examples of where they've encountered this situation and how they've dealt with it. I'm much more interested in them as people rather than the academic. Those that had part-time jobs are much more eloquent on this generally.

@sunsalutations

I think a part-time job is about CV building! I work for a big company and interview grads for our grad scheme. The academic is a given; they have to have that. I'm more interested in their inter-personal skills, dealing with difficult people, thinking different ways round a problem, team work, influencing, etc all of which can be developed in waitressing or in a supermarket or whatever. I ask for examples of where they've encountered this situation and how they've dealt with it. I'm much more interested in them as people rather than the academic. Those that had part-time jobs are much more eloquent on this generally.

I have seen kids finish school who are almost too scared to come out of their own bedroom, finally get a part time minimum wage job and really flourish - it doesn't have to be all about looking impressive on a CV. It really helped them grow up. When I talk to them now they tell me they really wished they'd been encouraged to work whilst doing their A levels - it has made such a difference to them when nothing else would.

Bit of a mix in our house. Since turning 18 they are responsible for their own washing and cleaning their bedrooms, changing their own bedding etc. They cook their own food at lunchtimes and are expected to wash up after themselves. But I do fuss about where they are and who they are with when they go out. Partly because we live rurally and many of their friends live a long way away off bus routes and neither DTeen drives yet. If we lived in a town and their friends were streets away I'd probably be a lot less concerned about this.

I guess it depends where they intend to head after school and what level of attainment they want/need. Most children wanting 3 or 4 As/A*s at A level or above 41 IB points are going to have to focus hard on their studies. That’s hugely important to some children and any extra capacity may well have to be about showing relevant work experience and volunteering.
The checkout at Tesco Express isn’t going to help as much as volunteering at a donkey sanctuary if you want to be a vet.
Training and working as a Samaritan or as a sailing instructor may stand you in better stead than working on the popcorn counter at a cinema if you need to show leadership potential.

One of mine was no natural academic. There is no way she would have left high school with a good amount of Highers if she had the pressure of a job as well. She had to work her arse off to achieve what she did.

My DD is 20yo now, i started stepping back around 14/15 BUT i am always there for her, ultimately you have let them make their own mistakes or they will be feckless 30 somethings!

As for jobs, at 18 my DD got a job with a social care agency on ZHC, she still does it, in between Uni terms.
Dead easy to get work IF you can drive and it has done her the world of good, when she first told me, i encouraged her but thought "You won't last 5mins" i was very wrong!

What I was told when I was in sixth form (in the 90s so maybe slightly out of date!) is that for those who had a part time job of up to 6 or 8 hours a week, the impact on their A level results was pretty negligible or maybe slightly positive. But once it went over 8 hours a week then the impact went negative very very quickly.

I’ve yet to really see how sitting at a supermarket to really solves problems or fully engages with people. They press a buzzer and someone else does that! Again that job is great for some but for some careers it is pretty meaningless.

When you look at desirable attributes for a job (I’m CIPD by the way) you never would specify you wanted someone who was in a choir (unless you were recruiting for a choir) but you might well expect that applicant to: evidence working as a team, regular attendance and reliability, a high level of competence in something that’s taken years to achieve in addition to academic qualifications, taking instruction from a leader and actually someone who has a bit of fun.

Any employer who doesn’t recognise someone who is volunteering as having virtually the same skills as someone who is working (if not more in some cases) is blinkered. In the future, with the lack of jobs, it will look very biased if only dc with a job history get employed and only those who are culturally suitable (that’s a very questionable and dubious statement with BLM high on most people’s agendas).

Hmmmm now u have me worrying that a job will be too much with college work. Does anyone’s child here drive but share their car with them.
That is maybe an idea. There is little parking at the college anyway so my husband is taking him everyday as no buses come near us at a time needed and he works near by. So maybe he could use mine for the evenings and weekends.

Could ds drive dh to college and then dh drive on to work? Even if you need to swap cars because dh's is too precious for ds to drive. It doesn't make much sense to send two cars in the same direction. This though doesn't preclude your ds getting a job.

We have similar battles here. Dh thinks I we should be doing more for them because his DM did everything for him. I think they need to be developing their independence more because his DM did everything for him . He does though get them more involved if it is his turn to cook or clean. I tend to instead encourage them to cook for themselves- so during lockdown I would cook the main meal but they would be responsible for organising their own lunch. Socialising they tend to organise but I still give lifts (too young to drive).

It is tricky because if they do fail it is harder to justify not intervening, just as when they were 4 and on the climbing frame which 19/20 times they negotiated independently perfectly well. On the 1/20 times that they fell I 'should have been there' but ignoring that if I had persisted helicoptering around them then they wouldn't have achieved it independently at all. I think it helps that now as teenagers the older two are fairly independent and they hate the mollycodling and appreciate the independence. They find it quite controlling. It also saves me time as they prepare their own lunches etc.

@TW2013. I think that maybe the way they do it. We both don’t need our cars at the weekend. So he can have mine then. I also only work till 2. So he can use it then if he wants. It’s a minefield at the moment. It was easier when he was four.