When to start taking a step back. Teenagers.

[Paranoidmarvin]

Those of you with older teenagers. When did you start to take a step back. Letting them deal with their own lives etc.

My husband and I have very different opinions on this. He babies him still. Makes him food and chases him up for stuff. Where I’m more of the opinion that he should be having his own life at the age of nearly 17.

When he goes out. I know where he is going. But I kind of let him make all the arrangements and I am of the opinion that he would let me know if he needs a lift etc. And I just say have a nice time.
My husband will be checking what he is doing the whole who what where.

Please bare in mind he is very sensible and I mean very sensible.

I don’t remember my parents being involved much in my day to day life when I started college. They definitely didn’t chase me up in college work or if I was coming home straight from college. And I don’t plan on doing that when he starts in September. But my husband says we should stay on top of his work. In my eyes he is 17 he needs to be doing this himself. If he wants to go out after college that’s fine .... have a nice time and let me know if u need picking up ( we live in the middle of nowhere. )

Sorry. I’m rambling now. But wanted to know what approach you take with your older teens. How much do you get involved with their Lives loves and goings on.

I think we’re in the halfway camp. DS is recently turned 18.

Regarding schoolwork, I would probably say something along the lines of ‘have you much schoolwork today?’, but it would be up to him to do it etc.

I’ll cook the evening meal for everyone, and used to make pack lunch for school. However, during weekends/holidays/lockdown, DS does his own lunch etc.

Regarding trips out, I would probably like a rough idea of what was happening, times of lifts expected etc, but don’t need every minute detail.

There’s not many jobs around at the moment or teenagers. My 18 year has just got one after trying for the last few months. All his friends have had several rejections from the usual teenage job recruiters.

I wanted my dcs to make their own way to school. My kids walk - I could drive them, many do but I wanted them to feel responsible for getting themselves up and out to school everyday, to not be able to shift the blame onto anyone else when they were late. There are other benefits of course but they are not relevant if you are driving yourself.

Standrewsschool congratulations to your ds on finally getting a job!! Even the searching is good, they develop a resilience to the process which is really impressive and will serve them well. Rather than feeling defeated he battled on and was rewarded - but even if he hadn't got a job, understanding that there are some things you can control and other things (like the current situation) that you can't and being able to deal with that.

OP - I hope you have found this thread helpful. I have teenagers and some of the posts have given me some useful ideas. However there has been a great deal of snobbery (and lack of real understanding around the value if work - all types of work. To think that working at Tesco is 'pretty meaningless' - is really poor advice.

@wentawaycameback

OP - I hope you have found this thread helpful. I have teenagers and some of the posts have given me some useful ideas. However there has been a great deal of snobbery (and lack of real understanding around the value if work - all types of work. To think that working at Tesco is 'pretty meaningless' - is really poor advice.

I agree with the snobbery - and if detected as a trait, it's definitely not what we'll be looking for in a candidate...not the right cultural fit!

It’s not remotely snobby to say that young people need to tailor their cvs. Do you honestly think all young people get a job in Tesco? Or get a job at all? It is not good advice to do something that doesn’t really help you in the future. I’ve consistently said there’s nothing wrong with working but for many dc exam grades and appropriate work or volunteering is way more important.

My local small town has a school of 1300 pupils. The larger town, 4 miles away, has 6 secondary schools with over 7000 pupils in them. Do you honestly think the 6th form pupils in these schools will all get jobs? Absolutely no chance. So everyone has to be more creative and look at transferable skills. More meaningful work can be done in holiday vacations from university but young people getting work is now a dream for many and recruiters are going to have to be less snobby about demanding it.

@wentawaycameback

OP - I hope you have found this thread helpful. I have teenagers and some of the posts have given me some useful ideas. However there has been a great deal of snobbery (and lack of real understanding around the value if work - all types of work. To think that working at Tesco is 'pretty meaningless' - is really poor advice.

Suspect that’s aimed at me. Is it snobbish to want more for your children than a life sitting on a supermarket checkout? I don’t believe so, it’s surely sensible, sound parenting to want your children to have a free choice about their future and potential to be very comfortable.

That comes by a requirement to achieve and support to realise their ambitions. A fourteen year old is not sufficiently experienced to make decisions that will negatively affect the rest of their lives. I believe we push our children towards adulthood and full independence too quickly. They fare better with support and parenting.

But I would be more impressed with a candidate who kept trying to get a job in challenging times than one who gave up and didn't bother.

My DS is the same age and about to start college, strangely I was going to start a thread like this the other day

I started to leave him to it, with regards to school work, a couple of years ago. He was always very frustrating - a clever but lazy lad. So in the run up to his GCSE's ( that obv didn't happen!), I offered to help him with revision if he wanted it, but otherwise I'd leave him be. It was up to him, he knew what he needed to do.

Socially he goes where he wants to go. We live a distance from most of his friends as he went to school in a diff town, so he often needs a lift to the station but that's it. I don't expect him home for tea etc, but I do expect him to tell me if he won't be back so I know not to cook. I don't expect to know where he's going, but he usually tells me anyway

He gets pocket money - a decent amount to acknowledge it costs a bit to see friends on trains etc- but I am hoping he manages to find a part time job soon but there isn't much around. He really wants to learn to drive ASAP after he turns 17 and he knows we expect him to pretty much fund this as much as possible himself. We've already got a car for him as he's having mine, so we now it's safe etc

@Bakedtreat

But I would be more impressed with a candidate who kept trying to get a job in challenging times than one who gave up and didn't bother.

Indeed. Although not as impressed as the person who worked out what they needed for the job they wanted and worked towards putting them self at the top of the selection tree by gaining the right qualifications, skills and experience to do what they wanted.

Any job is better than no job but the career they want is better.

I think your view is the right one @Paranoidmarvin.

Getting a part time job was the making of my 28 year old, although I’ve always been quite keen on them being independent, e.g. able to manage day to day household tasks, get public transport, do the shopping, cook, etc.

We do eat together as a family. And I usually cook. But if my 12 year old fancied something for lunch he could cook it himself (not cordon bleu 😂) and sometimes for me too. I wouldn’t feel I needed to make everything for him, as I believe it’s really important for DCs to develop life skills.

@CherryPavlova I agree but getting the right skills and experience before you apply for your "career" post is the tricky bit.

Mine was just a general observation - not aimed at anyone in particular. However this idea that some part-time jobs are worthless because they are not directly linked to a career is unpleasant to say the least. Had the OP asked..My DS is an A* candidate and wants to be a vet then the responses would have been different - as we all know (even us parents with young people not aspiring to such specialist careers) you need voluntary work with animals in order to get a place at university and may not have time for a part-time job. However if you do have time and are successful in your application the job (no matter how lowly) can teach you a range of skills which all contribute to developing independence and (amazingly) enhance a CV (mother of an A level student working in a supermarket here).

@Bakedtreat It is indeed - which is why I believe parental support and a focus on doing CV building stuff confers an advantage over letting them sort themselves out and three shifts a week as a waitress (unless they want to go into hospitality).

@CherryPavlova If it was revealed that they had parental help on building their CV, again I would not be impressed - but that's the stuff that gets hidden but it is maybe revealed when they show up to work and don't have their parents around to help them make decisions.

Recall an Admissions Tutor in Cambridge say they were particularly aware of advantage gained by parents who were "in the know" and could make connections for their kids. Might have been just talk but there you go - some people are more impressed when the kid can figure stuff out for themselves.

@ Support doesn’t mean doing it for them - it might mean driving them further than their weekend job, it might be paying for additional activities to gain qualifications, it might mean discussing ideas.
P

Clearly the armed forces didn’t have me turn up making his decisions when our son accepted his commission. Did I drive him to do things that would support his application and encourage activities where he could demonstrate leadership? Absolutely.
Clearly medical schools don’t allow parental decision making, but they do usually need parental support to get their. Did we help sort work experience and encourage activities that supported her application? Absolutely.

@CherryPavlova

@ Support doesn’t mean doing it for them - it might mean driving them further than their weekend job, it might be paying for additional activities to gain qualifications, it might mean discussing ideas. P

And it might mean - insisting on choosing the "right" A levels for your dc. Choosing a career for your dc. Choosing the sport that your dc play. Using your contacts to find a job for your dc. Writing a CV for your dc, writing your dc's dissertation, doing exam assessed project work for your dc. Some have even admitted to doing their dc's job for them. Just some of the "support" I know that people have given their kids around here.

As always, fascinated by the polarisation on MN where success is measured by getting every member of your family into a well-paid career because anything that is not well-paid is clearly a dead end job which will never afford any satisfaction or sense of self-worth.

@corythatwas

As always, fascinated by the polarisation on MN where success is measured by getting every member of your family into a well-paid career because anything that is not well-paid is clearly a dead end job which will never afford any satisfaction or sense of self-worth.

Agree. God save the poor 16-year-old 'CV-builders'

@corythatwas

As always, fascinated by the polarisation on MN where success is measured by getting every member of your family into a well-paid career because anything that is not well-paid is clearly a dead end job which will never afford any satisfaction or sense of self-worth.

Except of course that those 16 year old cv builders (ours started earlier) are likely to be happier, healthier, richer, more likely to maintain a long term relationship and more interested in their jobs.

God save children from low aspiration !

Oh PLEASE.

Show me the evidence that says getting a Saturday job in Tesco's affects your chances of a happy relationship. Seriously. I've never heard so much utter bullshit in my life.

I really hope your kids never have cause to disappoint you.

I can come at this from a personal and professional point of view. My DD achieved high A level grades and an excellent degree whilst having part time paid jobs. She also volunteered throughout her 6th form as a youth leader. Now aged 26 she is in a well paid role in the area she wanted to be in.

Professionally I interview grads and agree with the previous poster it tends to be the people who found themselves jobs and worked part time who do better at the interview. I much prefer to see paid part time work than some obscure volunteering role. Especially when you dig during the interview and often find that the volunteer role was arranged by parents or friends of parents. This is my experience over the last 5 years.

BoxandKnife, ridiculous extrapolation - nobody said that a Saturday job stopped people having good lifetime relationships, did they? Settling for a low paid, dead end job is likely to mean families growing up in poverty and that has a serious detrimental impact on relationships. Focusing on attainment and building good career prospects is an established way to break the cycle of poverty. Low aspirations works against this.
www.jrf.org.uk/data/impact-poverty-relationships

www.sec-ed.co.uk/blog/the-links-between-poverty-and-relationships/

borgenproject.org/the-relationship-between-education-and-poverty/

That bit about future health and attainment -
assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/370686/HT_briefing_layoutvFINALvii.pdf

Nothing sadder than bright children ending up without decent careers because parents failed to parent them into adulthood and let them do their own thing before they were truly able to make informed choices.

Its not about my children disappointing me - they haven't as yet - its about them not disappointing themselves and struggling though life rather than enjoying life.

I told my teen wwhen she gets a job I would reinstate her pocket money. Probably sounds a bit controlling, I might be told, but she has a part time job which she gets herself to and from, does her own laundry, is applying for further Ed, is usually pleasant. And she's currently lying under her duvet watching tik toks. In this ten million degree heat.

I try not to be bossy but I imagine I sometimes am but I'm a bloody sight nicer than both of my parents.

Which has turned into a semi rant. But independence is good, which is what I suppose I could have said?!?