When to start taking a step back. Teenagers.

[Paranoidmarvin]

Those of you with older teenagers. When did you start to take a step back. Letting them deal with their own lives etc.

My husband and I have very different opinions on this. He babies him still. Makes him food and chases him up for stuff. Where I’m more of the opinion that he should be having his own life at the age of nearly 17.

When he goes out. I know where he is going. But I kind of let him make all the arrangements and I am of the opinion that he would let me know if he needs a lift etc. And I just say have a nice time.
My husband will be checking what he is doing the whole who what where.

Please bare in mind he is very sensible and I mean very sensible.

I don’t remember my parents being involved much in my day to day life when I started college. They definitely didn’t chase me up in college work or if I was coming home straight from college. And I don’t plan on doing that when he starts in September. But my husband says we should stay on top of his work. In my eyes he is 17 he needs to be doing this himself. If he wants to go out after college that’s fine .... have a nice time and let me know if u need picking up ( we live in the middle of nowhere. )

Sorry. I’m rambling now. But wanted to know what approach you take with your older teens. How much do you get involved with their Lives loves and goings on.

This is an interesting read around expectations and attainment
www.jrf.org.uk/report/poorer-children%E2%80%99s-educational-attainment-how-important-are-attitudes-and-behaviour

This is around children's jobs and the impact on education
www.iser.essex.ac.uk/research/publications/working-papers/iser/2014-42.pdf

Interestingly Sunday trading law changes saw a drop in attainment too, as children had other activiites beside studying to fill their time.

Except of course that those 16 year old cv builders (ours started earlier) are likely to be happier, healthier, richer, more likely to maintain a long term relationship and more interested in their jobs.

God save children from low aspiration !

That is precisely what I meant. There is quite a wide spectrum between no aspirations at all and the kind of well paid job that you seem to be referencing.

It is possible to not be rich but still be comfortable, still be interested in your job, still be healthy and still be in a loving relationship. You can be a carpenter (nephew), an able seaman (my db in younger days), a gardener (SIL), a teacher (both my parents), an archaeologist (dh), a plumber, a midwife, a nurse, a shopkeeper without sinking into some kind of abject Dickensian-slum-induced apathy.

And if God saves all children from aspiring to any but the highest paid jobs, society is going to struggle a bit, isn't it? How many CEOs does a company need in proportion to the workers to be managed?

I'm not extrapolating anything @CherryPavlova. The studies you've posted are not related to the issue at hand. The thread is about teens and independence. Several posters have suggested the completely uncontroversial idea that getting a part-time job can, in many cases, help foster independence.

You're the one who's derailed the OP's thread by taking that perfectly reasonable statement and turning it into a ridiculously over-competitive rant about parental low aspiration and insulting shit about 'dead-end jobs'.

By all means take steps to ensure your children have nothing but study to fill their time. I want a little more richness, variety and reality for mine.

I think it's a case of setting them up for success looking forward.
So if he's going to university he needs to know how to budget, shop for food, cook, freeze food, wash, dry and iron clothes etc.

He'll need to be able to get himself up and ready for a certain time, looking respectable for a job etc.

I did drive mine about because I couldn't afford to buy them a car.

Basically you're looking to make him a functioning, successful member of society and a decent boyfriend/husband.

*We had a few teenage foster children too and had to take them back towards dependency before they could have another try at a more successful version of independence. They’d all been cast adrift before they were ready with pretty disastrous consequences.
Our own were probably supported/controlled/pampered a bit longer than some, but are all very competent, well adjusted adults earning well, in long term relationships and running their own homes *

I find this really interesting and reassuring. We do pamper our two a bit. But I came from a home where I was quite neglected. It didn't make me independent. It made me incompetent. It took me far far longer than most of my peers to work out how to do basic things because I'd never been taught, shown or led by example.

@CherryPavlova - the research papers you have posted are not related to the thread. Also have you actually read this research - to be absolutely confident in the findings or simply 'googled' a bunch of papers in the hope this proves your point? As @BoxAndKnife says this thread is about independence not low-parental aspiration. I am sure your DC are fabulous, well rounded individuals who have benefitted greatly from your input. However I am not really sure how your input on the thread has actually been supportive of others. Hope you have brought up your children to be a little more considered and thoughtful.

Trying to think back!
At 17 I was living away at agricultural college. Had a car and paid for petrol but parents paid insurance. Worked PT in a local pub waitressing
No curfew, food was supplied at college but I could cook. Went home at the end of term but stayed at college at weekends. Fairly self sufficient

[quote wentawaycameback]**@CherryPavlova* - the research papers you have posted are not related to the thread. Also have you actually read this research - to be absolutely confident in the findings or simply 'googled' a bunch of papers in the hope this proves your point? As @BoxAndKnife* says this thread is about independence not low-parental aspiration. I am sure your DC are fabulous, well rounded individuals who have benefitted greatly from your input. However I am not really sure how your input on the thread has actually been supportive of others. Hope you have brought up your children to be a little more considered and thoughtful.[/quote]
I disagree, the thread was about whether to leave them to it or to support more fully into early adulthood.
Parenting is key. Educational under achievement and stepping back too far are linked. Low aspiration hidden as teaching independence can be detrimental.
I was asked for evidence, I provide it. Simply that.
I retain the view that leaving youngsters to do their own thing too soon is not in their best interests.

I think - know your child, know what they need to make them feel more in control and happy with their own liveS and their decisions, encourage them to think for themselves. Some kids need spoon feeding, some don’t. Some parents are too controlling, some are too lax - the studies give general trends, they do not provide Individual evidence for what is going to suit your kid and you’d be daft to follow advice blindly - what works for my kids may not work for yours - it doesn’t make me right and you wrong or vice versa.

We have taken the stance that if he can do it himself or needs to learn how ... he will be doing it.
Have decided on not buying him his own car and he will share ours for now. Not sure if u can take care to uni. But I know of people that have been to uni and couldn’t take their car with them. So not spending money on a car just for two years. And I gulped at the insurance price.

Had good talks with my husband about how we need to let him spread his wings etc. Ha. And I showed him this thread as well.

@CherryPavlova - always read research papers before you post them as evidence to prove a point. OP I hope you found the thread helpful - it was certainly entertaining.