Parent due cancer surgery at the same time as my c section - WWYD?

[Wankpuffin]

First off, my relationship with my dad has always been very difficult. We have no other family at all - my mum died when I was a child (he never remarried or had a serious relationship as he enjoyed being on his own after being married for so long), I’m an only child, there are no other extended family members.

He is 86. I’ve always been expected to make him the centre of my world, I’ve had no career because of him and his guilt trips about having to see us (I had Dd when I was young), I’ve had to turn down so many opportunities with work/relocations as it was always “what about me?” and having to care for his various problems over the years. I lost my first marriage over his behaviour. I’m exhausted. I’m 40 and I’ve had no life.

He pretends he’s a lonely old man with no friends but that’s not the case - when he’s here he’s always slipping up. His phone is constantly ringing, a saved name/photo comes up and he quickly presses reject and does a whole long act about “I don’t know who that was, no one knows my number or bothers with me”. It’s not true. He obviously has people who call him and the charade that goes on and on of pretending to check his phone and saying there must be a fault with it is embarrassing.

Last year he was diagnosed with cancer. He had an operation, stayed with me for four weeks afterwards where I took care of him - I had to leave job when he was diagnosed as they wouldn’t let me take time off for his many hospital appointments and he needed full time care after the op. I ended up taking a shitty Part time night shift job so I’d be there for him during the days and take him to appointments.

Again when he was with me all I could hear was him on the phone constantly whispering to people that they couldn’t come and visit him until he was home, not to call when he was at my house. Then I’d get the lonely act again, how no one bothers with him, guilt trips all the time.

Anyway, he had a review and the cancer is back. He will need an operation.

They are talking the last week in August, that’s also the week where I am due to have my section. My section is high risk. I might die basically because of a complication (That couldn’t have been seen before another pregnancy), and my baby will probably need NICU help. With covid and two other children at home, it’s going to be a stressful time all round.

November last year we had to move 120 miles from my dad due to money issues. The first few months he made my life a living hell wanting to come and stay here at least three/four days a week. He’s a very difficult person, very negative and draining to have around and lockdown has been a blessing because we Haven’t seen him.

Now he’s assuming he will come and live here after his operation for weeks on end and I will take care of him. How I’m supposed to do that, even during the week of a straight forward section is beyond me. Dh will have enough going on with the other two children and if the worst happens, If I end up in ICU or the baby does, he will be run off his feet. He can’t take on looking after my dad as well - like I said my dad is very difficult and even during the best of times he’s hard work to have around.

My dad would never pay for care. He owns his own home but it’s not worth much at all and he wants his money to go to his grandchildren.

I just don’t know what to do and it’s giving me untold stress that I don’t need right now. He’s saying he might as well
Kill himself because I’ve abandoned him (he’s been threatening to kill himself for the past 30 years as part of his guilt trips, it’s an empty threat and he only says it to me and denies/laughs it off if I try to tell anyone else).

He’s even had the cancer nurse call me to tell me that I’m being unreasonable and that I’m all he has (although she obviously apologised when I told her I was due to give birth the same week).

I’m sorry for the long post, I’m just so worked up over it. I’m the terrible daughter who doesn’t care about him, even though I’ve spent my whole bloody life pandering to him.

I know I sound cold towards him but honestly, 30 odd years of this shit and never having my own life because of his guilt trips.

There is absolutely no way you will be able to take care of anyone but yourself and your baby after your section. Forgive me if you had one before so know how it feels (on mobile so tricky to reread your post while typing) - I had one and although recovery was easier than I expected you still need to take it very easy and you will need a lot of physical support for at least the first two weeks with getting up etc. You will also need to prioritise bonding with your baby and their relationship with your older children and husband. Your father will have to pay for care or stay in hospital - please do not give in and have him to stay because it will not work. Ignore guilt trips and please take care of yourself and your baby - what he’s expecting is impossible.

Yes I’ve had two previous sections. So I know there is no way on earth I’d be able to be up and down the stairs taking care of someone else.

And I know that Dh will be stressed enough with the other two kids, doing everything for the house alone and looking after me and the baby.

And that’s if everything is straightforward.

You aren't responsible for him. You already lost one marriage due to your FOG. Don't lose another.
It is absolutely ok to walk away. Or reduce contact. Or say no. Put your husband, children and yourself first.

It's OK to say "No". He has manipulated you all his life but it is OK to make a stand, you cannot be there for him this time and that is not your fault. You don't sound 'cold' you sound exhausted and drained by his constant demands, it is OK to put your new baby and your family first.

Oh honey that's awful. And it's really, really time to say no to him, he's obviously manipulative and isn't thinking about your welfare at all. Can you and DH present a united front and call him out on his manipulation and not give in to his emotional blackmail and explain to him FIRMLY that your medical needs are going to have to trump his this time and he's going to have to find support elsewhere? Honestly he sounds so selfish.

He sounds like a nightmare. Hes manipulated you for years and its not fair ordering to take over your life this way.
As a parent he should want you to want to visit him, not feel forced to.
He clearly has friends. He will most likely be fine. You're gonna have to tell him no

The way you have written about the father and his impact on your life, you have said that he made certain things happen and that you "had to" do xyz. But the fact is that you have a choice here. It might not feel like it, because of the FOG, but you do. You don't have to do anything and you have choice. You have a responsibility for the choices you have made so far, and you can make different choices.

Please choose yourself and your family (I mean your children and husband, not your toxic father!)

If you haven't yet done so, I urge you to read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward and maybe check out the Stately Homes thread. Counselling would probably be very helpful if you have the time and money for it.

Best of luck with everything.

How ridiculous. You’re having a baby, you can’t just keep it conveniently inside you whilst you care for your dad! The baby is coming on x date whether he likes it or not.
Is your dad Seriously expecting you to care for his post surgery or does he anticipate your husband doing all the work? What sort of op is he having and what is he likely to need help with?

You cannot provide care for him. This should be made clear to the nurse and his care team (you can call and speak to them, even if they can't give you any information about him). If he has no one to look after him, he will be taken care of in hospital or by a carer. They won't just chuck him out on the street in front of the hospital. Any emotional blackmail isn't about you, it's about him. He's very old and not healthy. It's time to start living your own life before it passes you by.

I’m scared that it’s putting a strain on my marriage as well. We had to move as a direct consequence of me giving up my full time job and taking any night work I could to take care of my dad last year (I was working in a school, so I had no holiday entitlement outside the school holidays so it wasn’t as easy as taking annual leave).

My Dh took it on the chin, we had to move our lives as we couldn’t afford to live in the area we were anymore, he renegotiated his own work contract to wfh, moved his entire life too.

I doubt I would have been that accommodating if I were him and he’s never shown any resentment towards me. So I’m not going to push him over the edge when he’s already worried about me/the baby/the future with putting pressure
On him to take care of my dad too.

I'm actually quite angry about what his nurse said to you. Unless you've had a toxic parent it must be really hard to understand this but professionals need to try to understand that not all families have good relationships.
Even if they do, it doesn't mean that you are in a position to provide care for relatives.

You need to focus on your children and your relationship. You can't be there for your dad when he has his surgery and his medical team will have to look at other options. He might need a social care assessment, longer stay in hospital or caters coming to him but that's for them to work out.

Your dad would ideally try to understand this too but if he doesn't, you can't control that and can't be responsible for his reaction.
Just try not to punish yourself, you have not chosen this and you can't change it.

I know I sound cold towards him but honestly, 30 odd years of this shit and never having my own life because of his guilt trips.

You don’t sound cold at all. You sound like the child of a manipulative parent that still wants their approval and to do what they are telling is right. But what they’re saying isn’t right. Even if you were able to take care of yourself, your family and your dad, you would still be doing something wrong in his eyes. It’s ok to step away and to focus on you and your baby, get yourself well and then go home and focus on your husband and other children. You’ll never get his approval, so you don’t need to sacrifice your health even trying.

@Antipodeancousin it’s stomach and bowel. So help with everything, toileting/washing, caring for the wounds, medication and injections. He may need a stoma this time.

I’m a nurse which actually doesn’t help - the hospital couldn’t wait to turf him out into my care once they found that out. I wish I’d kept my mouth shut about that one.

Just say no.
Once you do it once it'll be easier.
You've lost a marriage, a job, a career because of him.
He sounds abusive, and awful.
Put you, your kids and your DH first.

I'd become very very busy and unable tinge to the phone.

The care he needed and would need is basically something that my Dh couldn’t (and wouldn’t to be fair) do. So the practical stuff would be on me. I can’t bed bath, change and clean a 6 foot 4 man after having a section as well as keep on top of his medication schedules, manage infection control etc. It would be impossible.

You need to block his number, stop taking calls, stop letting him unannounced into the house when he comes. It’s the only way he will stop controlling you. If he threatens suicide then just call his bluff - say he’s had a decent run of a life and if that’s his decision you support it and then hang up.

The trouble is everyone thinks he’s lovely.

The few friends he admits he has absolutely hate me. They think I’m selfish and evil. I’ve had vile letters from one over the years telling me how terrible I am, that he’s a lonely old man, that I owe him everything and I should be looking after him, that they would never treat their parents they way I treat him.

When you’ve heard that enough times, you wonder if it could be you after all.

The fact that you're even considering it is a fact of how deep in the FOG you are.

I can't quite get over the fact that you gave up a good job and relocated for him

My heart goes out to you. But as you've said yourself, it will be impossible to provide the care he needs after a section. So it's not an option.

All you have to work out is how to manage the guilt. He's let friends of his think your a nasty person - well what a horrible man he is. Now's your chance to break the cycle. Good luck

You have the perfect excuse!

@AnotherEmma and yet he blames me for moving 120 miles away saying we abandoned him.

We couldn’t afford to live there anymore after I had to leave my job and had to move from the SE to a much cheaper area. So that’s another struggle we are having with him. When he visits, it’s not just for a day it’s a week as Dh has to pick him up one weekend and drop him back the next because of work, or take half a days annual leave to drop him home after 4 days.

He wanted to be here every week for three days, or every other week for the whole week. It’s too much. Our house is small anyway and he’s draining to have around. It was causing me and Dh to argue. Lockdown has meant we’ve had a break since March, the downside is the guilt trips on the phone.

Oh god, any decent father wouldn't expect you to take care of him like that anyway. Put yourself and your children first - he could live for years and you simply can't look after him when you have three children. He will have to go into a nursing home if he can't get at-home help.

You are under an awful lot of pressure and are in no way obligated to look after your dad. I am involved in discharges from hospital and if family refuse to help just because they don't want to that is perfectly acceptable and you should not be guilt tripped into it.

Also after the operation he should be seen by the therapy team and be assessed on self care and mobility. If he is not able to manage there is the option of community hospital and reablement as either an impatient or at home. There is no charge for these services. Each locality offers different levels of support but if he is so bad he needs to have a bed bath he should not be at home. Trying to give someone a bed bath in a normal bed is very bad for your back and absolutely should never be done.

I hope it works out for you

If your dad was a reasonable person he would not want you to do this. Could you see yourself putting one of your children through this when they were facing their own health challenges?

@SnuggyBuggy never. Absolutely not. I want my children to have their own lives and I will never hold them back for a second. And I would never, ever expect my Dd to look after me, especially if she was a giving birth the same week - it would be ludicrous to even imagine it.