First off, my relationship with my dad has always been very difficult. We have no other family at all - my mum died when I was a child (he never remarried or had a serious relationship as he enjoyed being on his own after being married for so long), I’m an only child, there are no other extended family members.
He is 86. I’ve always been expected to make him the centre of my world, I’ve had no career because of him and his guilt trips about having to see us (I had Dd when I was young), I’ve had to turn down so many opportunities with work/relocations as it was always “what about me?” and having to care for his various problems over the years. I lost my first marriage over his behaviour. I’m exhausted. I’m 40 and I’ve had no life.
He pretends he’s a lonely old man with no friends but that’s not the case - when he’s here he’s always slipping up. His phone is constantly ringing, a saved name/photo comes up and he quickly presses reject and does a whole long act about “I don’t know who that was, no one knows my number or bothers with me”. It’s not true. He obviously has people who call him and the charade that goes on and on of pretending to check his phone and saying there must be a fault with it is embarrassing.
Last year he was diagnosed with cancer. He had an operation, stayed with me for four weeks afterwards where I took care of him - I had to leave job when he was diagnosed as they wouldn’t let me take time off for his many hospital appointments and he needed full time care after the op. I ended up taking a shitty Part time night shift job so I’d be there for him during the days and take him to appointments.
Again when he was with me all I could hear was him on the phone constantly whispering to people that they couldn’t come and visit him until he was home, not to call when he was at my house. Then I’d get the lonely act again, how no one bothers with him, guilt trips all the time.
Anyway, he had a review and the cancer is back. He will need an operation.
They are talking the last week in August, that’s also the week where I am due to have my section. My section is high risk. I might die basically because of a complication (That couldn’t have been seen before another pregnancy), and my baby will probably need NICU help. With covid and two other children at home, it’s going to be a stressful time all round.
November last year we had to move 120 miles from my dad due to money issues. The first few months he made my life a living hell wanting to come and stay here at least three/four days a week. He’s a very difficult person, very negative and draining to have around and lockdown has been a blessing because we Haven’t seen him.
Now he’s assuming he will come and live here after his operation for weeks on end and I will take care of him. How I’m supposed to do that, even during the week of a straight forward section is beyond me. Dh will have enough going on with the other two children and if the worst happens, If I end up in ICU or the baby does, he will be run off his feet. He can’t take on looking after my dad as well - like I said my dad is very difficult and even during the best of times he’s hard work to have around.
My dad would never pay for care. He owns his own home but it’s not worth much at all and he wants his money to go to his grandchildren.
I just don’t know what to do and it’s giving me untold stress that I don’t need right now. He’s saying he might as well
Kill himself because I’ve abandoned him (he’s been threatening to kill himself for the past 30 years as part of his guilt trips, it’s an empty threat and he only says it to me and denies/laughs it off if I try to tell anyone else).
He’s even had the cancer nurse call me to tell me that I’m being unreasonable and that I’m all he has (although she obviously apologised when I told her I was due to give birth the same week).
I’m sorry for the long post, I’m just so worked up over it. I’m the terrible daughter who doesn’t care about him, even though I’ve spent my whole bloody life pandering to him.
I know I sound cold towards him but honestly, 30 odd years of this shit and never having my own life because of his guilt trips.