Parent due cancer surgery at the same time as my c section - WWYD?

[Wankpuffin]

First off, my relationship with my dad has always been very difficult. We have no other family at all - my mum died when I was a child (he never remarried or had a serious relationship as he enjoyed being on his own after being married for so long), I’m an only child, there are no other extended family members.

He is 86. I’ve always been expected to make him the centre of my world, I’ve had no career because of him and his guilt trips about having to see us (I had Dd when I was young), I’ve had to turn down so many opportunities with work/relocations as it was always “what about me?” and having to care for his various problems over the years. I lost my first marriage over his behaviour. I’m exhausted. I’m 40 and I’ve had no life.

He pretends he’s a lonely old man with no friends but that’s not the case - when he’s here he’s always slipping up. His phone is constantly ringing, a saved name/photo comes up and he quickly presses reject and does a whole long act about “I don’t know who that was, no one knows my number or bothers with me”. It’s not true. He obviously has people who call him and the charade that goes on and on of pretending to check his phone and saying there must be a fault with it is embarrassing.

Last year he was diagnosed with cancer. He had an operation, stayed with me for four weeks afterwards where I took care of him - I had to leave job when he was diagnosed as they wouldn’t let me take time off for his many hospital appointments and he needed full time care after the op. I ended up taking a shitty Part time night shift job so I’d be there for him during the days and take him to appointments.

Again when he was with me all I could hear was him on the phone constantly whispering to people that they couldn’t come and visit him until he was home, not to call when he was at my house. Then I’d get the lonely act again, how no one bothers with him, guilt trips all the time.

Anyway, he had a review and the cancer is back. He will need an operation.

They are talking the last week in August, that’s also the week where I am due to have my section. My section is high risk. I might die basically because of a complication (That couldn’t have been seen before another pregnancy), and my baby will probably need NICU help. With covid and two other children at home, it’s going to be a stressful time all round.

November last year we had to move 120 miles from my dad due to money issues. The first few months he made my life a living hell wanting to come and stay here at least three/four days a week. He’s a very difficult person, very negative and draining to have around and lockdown has been a blessing because we Haven’t seen him.

Now he’s assuming he will come and live here after his operation for weeks on end and I will take care of him. How I’m supposed to do that, even during the week of a straight forward section is beyond me. Dh will have enough going on with the other two children and if the worst happens, If I end up in ICU or the baby does, he will be run off his feet. He can’t take on looking after my dad as well - like I said my dad is very difficult and even during the best of times he’s hard work to have around.

My dad would never pay for care. He owns his own home but it’s not worth much at all and he wants his money to go to his grandchildren.

I just don’t know what to do and it’s giving me untold stress that I don’t need right now. He’s saying he might as well
Kill himself because I’ve abandoned him (he’s been threatening to kill himself for the past 30 years as part of his guilt trips, it’s an empty threat and he only says it to me and denies/laughs it off if I try to tell anyone else).

He’s even had the cancer nurse call me to tell me that I’m being unreasonable and that I’m all he has (although she obviously apologised when I told her I was due to give birth the same week).

I’m sorry for the long post, I’m just so worked up over it. I’m the terrible daughter who doesn’t care about him, even though I’ve spent my whole bloody life pandering to him.

I know I sound cold towards him but honestly, 30 odd years of this shit and never having my own life because of his guilt trips.

I would seriously consider cutting off contract completely even if only for a few months

Wow, he sounds obsessive in addition to u grateful.

I think you need to disengage. Tell him he needs to source social care to assist him following the operation as you will not be able to visit & certainly not provide assistance.

@LittleDonk he’s blocked from SM now, since the last time Dh went to pick him up. He walked into his living room and there were photos of Dh from a works night out stuck up -
Dh hadn’t even been tagged in them on Facebook (he doesn’t post to his anymore), my dad had been looking through all his friends again - these photos were on a the Facebook of one of the women Dh works with. It really freaked Dh out that my dad would stalk him like that. He asked why they were there and my dad said “they are nice photos of you”. My dad also has photos of me from years ago from other people’s Facebook accounts. It’s quite disturbing.

His age and his health do not excuse his behaviour. You have needs, your immediate family have needs and these MUST be weighed against your father’s... I hesitate to say needs, in his case. His choices and desires about what he wants?

His behaviour isn’t reasonable or even rational and your reactions must take that into account, alongside all the scripty belief about “I’m a bad daughter” that’s sunk in over the years.

HoppingPavlova yes I know I need to disengage. But it feels so unfair to be slagged off when people have no idea of what my life has been like.

Why do you care though? Lots of things in life are unfair, thus would be small on that scale. Even if he is a good bullshitter and people but it, you know the situation. Is that not enough?

When he’s here he will literally sit with his diary open staring at DH and trying to get a date sorted for the next week to come down.
And? Your DH should just stare back and say it’s not convenient to make plans at the moment and he will let him know when that changes. Just have this reworded in three different forms and keep recycling/repeating.

@Wankpuffin

yes I know I need to disengage. But it feels so unfair to be slagged off when people have no idea of what my life has been like.
OP you need to tune this out. You cannot control what other people say about you. All you can control is your reaction and the effects upon yourself and your husband and children.

Take the initiative and tell his medical team/ social workers that you cannot help and why and block everyone involved so you cannot be got at before or after the birth. You need a period of calm in the approach to your procedure and your recuperation afterwards including the care of your newborn. You have NOTHING to feel guilty for.

Also you and DH should speak to your in-laws so they are aware of the situation and can be careful online/tighten up their own SM settings. I'm assuming your parent doesn't have their contact details. If he does they should block him or he'll start on them next.

I think also, OP, you should seriously consider some professional counselling for yourself to help you deal with this overwhelming guilt your vampire of a parent piles on you and which could ruin your life.

You cannot live the rest of your life like this: it's not good for your mental health nor, that of your children.

If he turns up, uninvited, to your home, turn him away or get your DH to do it. Take control - or nothing will change. 🌹

I'm sorry but it is rather frustrating to read your posts as I get the impression the comments and advice you've had so far aren't really sinking in. But of course you have to get there in your own time, and if you want/need to use this thread to vent, that's absolutely fine too. But the situation won't change until you manage to change your attitude to it.

You absolutely must focus on yourself now and your own mental health in the run up to the birth. Talk you your midwife about your stress and anxiety, consider counselling, maybe look into online pregnancy yoga and/or hypnobirthing (the Positive Birth Company has an online course).

As a side note, just continue to ignore and block on social media. Your DH could ask his parents to do the same. (We had to ask my family to delete/block DH's family on Facebook, sadly.)

@Happynow001 it’s not so much what they think, it’s the way my dad goes on and on about what they think. It makes me angry.

Oh he already stalks my father in laws Facebook. Dh hardly uses Facebook so my dad is always telling him what my FIL has posted or what he’s been up to. Dh is always and doesn’t really engage. I don’t think FIL would know how to block and he doesn’t really post anything spectacular, just reposts jokes/memes that SIL has posted or the odd holiday photo.

He wouldn’t turn up here uninvited. It’s a long drive for a start and if he did it, he would have to admit that he can drive himself to the hospital two miles from his house without making a huge deal of having to pay for a taxi because I’m not there to take him. He’s perfectly capable of driving and often accidentally lets it slip that he’s visited friends 40 miles away, but it suits the poor old man rhetoric if he says he can’t drive a couple of miles down the road.

As for the diary thing, we’ve tried that. It just makes it worse he’ll just phone as soon as he’s home and ask why I’m so angry at him, that he only tries his best, he only want to help. He’s very good at this.

Just block him OP. He's not worth losing your marriage, health and sanity over.

@AnotherEmma I will be harder with him. I wish I could cut him out completely but he’s one of those people who wouldn’t accept it. It would make my life harder in the process. He’s very manipulative. He’s turned to using my ex husband against me in the past too and created lots of problems for me that way (even though my ex ultimately left because Something my dad stopped us doing, he hated me for it, it’s very complicated).

I do know what I have to do. But when you have a parent calling you crying or sending letters it’s so hard. You do start to believe it’s you who is the problem, not them.

I do get it, that's why I've given the advice I have.

Best of luck.

I don’t pander to him like I used to. I hardly speak to him now. He FaceTimes the children once a week. I’ll maybe have a call for a couple of minutes where he will moan and I won’t engage at all with it. It’s made him much worse but I just give one word answers and say goodbye. Then I get the “what have I done, why are you so angry with me texts” which I ignore.

Without missing a beat he will then call to say something else is wrong - he’s going deaf, he can’t walk, he’s going mad, he’s starting to see and hear things (all bullshit). I just give one word answers or “oh dear”, or “maybe you should call the doctor”. Nothing More.

So I have been getting better over the past few months - having the break from seeing him really has helped.

Please be firm to everyone including your dad that you cannot provide care in the time around your c-section. Absolute grey rock on the matter. And by 'you' I mean neither you nor DH can assist.

Your dad sounds very similar to my fil, including the interfering friend.

We had him for 4 months after a heart attack and 8 weeks after a hip replacement, both times with babies/toddlers, along with coming round pissed every week for days on end.

After so many years causing so much drama and attention seeking made up health issues when I had my dts in NICU that it really just became a simple flat out fuck no from us when he ever wants us to nurse/pander to him.

He had cancer a couple of years ago and was told in no uncertain terms he had to seek nurses/carers to help in HIS home.

His friend constantly messages us about utter trivial shite, we don't even respond to her anymore. Apparently he needs his ears syringes, not sure wtf she wants me to do about that?!

Look after yourself first, there's NOTHING you can do for him. There will always be something else.

You cannot be his primary carer in this situation. You’ll be in no fit state and your dh will have more than enough going on. This might come across as cold, but hospitals must be used to dealing with elderly patients who have no family to help. They’ll have to sort something out.

How does he actually expect you to do all that for him with a newborn and post section?

@Antipodeancousin he hadn’t thought about it. He’s very selfish and he’s only getting worse as he gets older. His world revolves around him. His cancer is back, he needs an operation, he will be coming to stay with us afterwards because I am his daughter. That’s how his brain works.

I spoke to him last night and told him again that I was having surgery at the same time. That I wouldn’t be able to do anything for him and that he wouldn’t be able to stay here. That Dh will be busy looking after me and the children.

The response? “What am I supposed to do? I’ve got no one to look after me”, “I’ll just cancel it and die then”, “what am I supposed to do if I can’t stay with you?” I told him to talk it over with the cancer nurses.

He’s been the same with his knee - he should have a knee replacement but he’s been putting it off. But whenever he talks about it, he assumes recovery will be here. His current reason for putting it off is that he has to sleep in the lounge here as we’ve no spare room and out only loo is up a steep flight of stairs. Again. Assumes that he will stay here. There is no other option in his thoughts.

The call ended quite quickly. I’ve got a consultant appointment and scan today that I’m quite worried about so I wasn’t in the mood last night.

Good for you OP.

You are doing so well - focus on you, as you need the recovery. It is very selfish of him to force you to compromise your health.

I hope today goes OK for you OP.

I would do as someone else upthread suggested and contact social services. Also call Macmillan.

Then, I would tell your dad that you have contacted other services to help, and that you consultant has told you to stop doing anything other than rest and grow the baby. Tell him you will call him once the baby is safely here, as you need to avoid all stress for the health of the pregnancy.

Then block his number.

I'm adding my voice to everyone else's. He is being outrageously unreasonable.
Furthermore you physically can't help so that's the end of it.
If he comes to stay with you

1. you will be endangering your own physical health
2. you will be endangering your own mental health
3. you will be endangering the physical health of your husband
4. you will be endangering the mental health of your husband
5. your marriage will probably end
6. you will be focusing on your father when you should be bonding with your baby. This will affect your child for their WHOLE LIFE
7. your other child/ren who will be feeling strange at the arrival of a new baby will not be given the reassurance that you and DH would normally be able to give them
8. you will be endangering your father's health as he will not get the care he needs

The whole situation is an absolute disaster waiting to happen. You will basically be throwing a live bomb into your family.

It's a hard no. You actually can't do it. Who cares what your father's friend thinks? Seriously, you have 3 kids to think of.

If your father asked you to operate on him and remove the cancer you'd say no. If everyone thought you were a terrible person you'd shrug. You are not equipped to perform surgery. Same thing here. You are not equipped to perform after surgery care.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz it was the Macmillan nurse who called me and told me I should be looking after him! They were the only who lumped everything on me last time and told him to rely on me, they were the ones assuming I’d look after him and do everything.

They said there was no other option unless he paid for care, which he can’t afford to do. He owns a house, it’s not worth much and he lives off the basic pension. It would be shit for him to sell his house and go into a care home - he doesn’t need care usually.

I don’t know how true that is but everyone was telling me last time I was the only option for care unless he paid for carers. I did ask. Because he’s independent and only needs care after an op, when I contacted adult social care the last time they said there wasn’t much they could do.

I’ll contact them again but the resounding answer last time was use family or pay for post op help.

I saw it with my mum too, there was no help. I was ten when she was having cancer operations and dying and I had to care for her while my dad worked. There was no help then either.

He’ll have to speak to the hospital. I’ve told him now that it’s impossible for him to stay here afterwards.

Well done OP.
Stand your ground. It is impossible for him to stay with you. So they'll have to find another option . He is surely not the first person in the history of the NHS to have family unable to accommodate.

@SnuggyBuggy thank you. I’m 33 weeks now and I’ve been told to take a packed bag with me to the weekly appointments from now on as it could be that they would have to deliver right away.

So more reasons why I can’t take his bullshit.